I am currently under psychiatric care for Chronic depression (up until now extrememly well managed for 5 years in meds - but with the stress and strain it's been a tough go these last few weeks.) My therapist is recommending a a physical separation and limited contact with WH - only as it pertains to our three kids. He feels it is best for my growing independence and to prevent me from continiuing hurt. SO I guess you COULD say - we are going into PLAN B - only WH thinks it's the Dr's suggestion. I haven't written a letter - don't know what to say to WH tha ti ahven't already said. Anyway - he wanted to go with me to see my therapist just so he was clear on what this was all about. Just as we are getting up to go in - his cell phone rings. It's her - not only does he answer it, he tells her he can't talk right now, he has a funny look on his face, I can her the pitch of her voice, he says he'll call later. SO I asked him if it was her - he admitted it was - and apologized. Said he hadn't been expecting a call from her today. I lost it - so any hope of making it a constructive visit went out the window. I had been having a really good day up until then. But tears, then his apology just ruined it.

After my therapist explained what he thought would be best for us at this point my WH excused himself and said he would go pick our sons at daycare and meet me at the house. My DR. said he wanted to spend a few more minutes with me.

Those few minutes were the best part - I learned some valuabel things about me. Most importantly - what is happening is HIS choice. It's not my choice, I have chosen to save my marriage, but his choice right now is different. SO stop opening myself up to the hurt, and playing the blame game (mostly blaming myself!). All I can do are make my own choices. He was very good about laying out the many choices I have. He also role played with me the different ways I could talk to WH when I got home. There is one very BIG issue that we haven't been able to find resolution about in regards to Christmas. He wants the kids Christmas Eve, wanted to come over for a couple hours on Christmas morning and then take them to his parents for Christmas dinner (this is how we always do it - only I ahve always gone with him!) I told him no - the kids were having dinner with me - if he wanted to pick them up about 2:30 after we have our dinner and take them to his folks for gifts and supper that was fine. BUT - the kids were mine on Christmas morning and no he was not welcome in the morning. It is going to be tough enough for me - I do not need the extra pressure of the 5 of us here. OH and it turned into a full hour and WH called THREE times while I was there - I didn't answer his calls. But did call on the way home just to say I was a few minutes away.

OH - and tonight I called OW husband. When I talked with him 10 days ago he assured me that he expected her to stop calling and emailing WH. Well - I just filled him in on today. He was angry - said she had promised no more contact. He believes that they now have a serious problem. What ever - this may play right into WH's plans - her husband throws her out and she ends up living in disgrace (after all - she is a southern baptist church musician and composer of choral anthems - he's a psychologist and a minister). THat may just throw then togehter. WHO knows - but he had a right to know!

So WH will be mad at me again - yep - been tehre done that before - don;t really care right now - just really hurt that SHE called when I was trying to do something positive and helpful for our marriage.

If WH and I are tlkaing, in counseling etc, he will turn off his #$%^&*! phone!

I suggest you don't bring him to counseling anymore. He doesn't seem to "get it". That is completely ridiculous for her to call when you are in the middle of counseling for depression due to the affair.

I'm with your counselor, but urge you to also write a Plan B letter.

When I started putting down boundaries, I felt MUCH better.

Jancancrop - It is my observation from reading all of your threads/posts that you are using this system to vent your frustrations and to describe how you are the victim. That's fine if that's all that you want to do.

I have noticed that you really don't respond or dialog with other members and are "leaning" on your therapist for guidance. That's fine too.

So just what is it that you'd like from us?

Your husband IS in an affair. The affair WILL destabilize now that the OW's husband really believes that there IS a problem with HIS wife and HIS marriage. But what your marriage is for your husband to recognize that adultery is wrong and he should choose to end it once and for all.

YOUR problem remains twofold: 1) What changes do you need to make in yourself that would make you more "attractive" to your husband (all I've heard so far are excuses about why you must do this or do that that have negatively impacted your marriage)?, and 2) your husband needs to end, completely, as in NO Contact under any circumstances, his affair with another man's wife. IF marriage to you is so rotten, then he needs to divorce you so he will be available to some SINGLE woman.

IF the marriage is NOT "all that bad" that a divorce is NEEDED, then you both (after he chooses to end the affair) need to be in JOINT Marital Counseling and NOT with your therapist. YOUR therapist is focused on YOU and your depression, as he should be.

Your marriage needs a TRAINED counselor who is committed to saving marriages and holding you BOTH accountable for changes that you each need to make in order to benefit the marriage.

I got the same reaction, that this is not a pro marriage MC. Yes, he/she is trying to help you move on, but it seems they have put their own feelings into it and made the decision that you should sep. Maybe plan b is OK, I don't know your situation. I believe that yes, it should be your choice. I think the best thing he said was that you are not responsible for your H's actions.