I know it's hard, but I see a lot of promises for you and MP. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thanks UVA. It is hard, but I try to keep a positive outlook. MP does want to keep moving forward in rebuilding our marriage and see where it takes us, even though she doesn't have as much confidence (at this point, at least) that we will succeed as I do.

I've had a lot of growth in my walk with God, but I still have a long ways to go. It's kind of funny - today on the radio (Air1) the verse of the day was Philippians 4:6...I heard it twice. And tonight when I was reading our DD her bedtime stories, the verse was quoted (but the reference not given) in one of the stories. It seems to be a good fit for where I am right now:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (NIV)

I need to work on the anxious part, and the thanksgiving. I've got the request thing down real good though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This weekend we went camping as a family. MP and I (and the kids) enjoyed ourselves - it was the first family vacation we'd done in a very long time...too long.

The only down-side was our DD's atrocious behavior, but I managed to stay pretty calm, with some help from my wife.

Did manage to blow it once we got home though. After we got home and our stuff unloaded and put away, and the kids in bed asleep, MP wanted to take a bath. I told her she could take it alone if she wanted downtime, or I could join her after a while if she wanted me to.

I fell asleep waiting for her. Then I got up and took care of some laundry. She was out of the bath after 45 minutes, and said she'd asked me twice if I wanted to join her, but I was either asleep or didn't hear her (the door was closed to keep the heat in).

I got pissy about it (one of my patented LB's), and pretty much derailed the rest of our evening. Things were better this morning, at least.

I'm pretty bummed. I realize, on one level, that there will be bumps in the road. I also feel like (on another level) that I cannot afford to make any mistakes. Yes, I know that's an unrealistic expectation. But it's bumming none the less.

I know better than this. I even knew it while I was being pissy. I don't know why I can't stop myself, especially when I know better. We have more important fish to fry besides me getting pissy when I feel I've been slighted by her. There are days (like last night) when I just want to step outside myself, slap me real hard, and say "Grow up, you idiot!".

I have mentioned how much I hate rollercoasters, be they real or emotional?

Lighten up on yourself bird. An ocasional lapse isn't going to destroy your marriage. We all make mistakes.

Time for another infrequent update.

It's been a stressful week. MP and I had MC on Tuesday, and the counselor really pushed for me to put my consequences in place for my boundaries, and pushed MP to commit one way or the other (to work on or not work on the marriage).

We didn't get a chance to talk until last night (Wednesday). She went out to get a break from our DD, and got back about 1 AM. She had 3 things for me.

1. The NC Letter, which I have and will mail tomorrow. The OM has already told MP to never contact him again (a couple of weeks ago), and I believe there has been no contact since.

2. The stuff I asked of her to meet my boundary conditions and begin to rebuild my trust in her.

3. A letter describing her current emotions, and pointing out a couple of spots in the course of the affair where my actions, intentionally or not, led her to believe that I didn't love her (by not appearing strong and firm, or by indicating that it took someone else showing an interest in her to make me want her). Those are her feelings/perceptions on that matter, and I accept them as valid, without saying I agree with them.

She also stated that she recognizes that I am growing and changing, but she is asking for a minimum 6 month separation so she can get to know the new me without having reminders of the old me pop up all the time when she looks at me.

Any thoughts on that one? I'm generally opposed to separations, for the simple reason that you can easily fall prey to the "out of sight, out of mind" syndrome. If it's a tightly structured separation, with a clear goal and clearly defined steps to reach that goal, in conjuction with continued counseling, then I can see where it would work.

I understand how deeply she has been hurt by my past actions and inactions, and I can see how a bit of space could help us both to start healing. I can also see the other side, of no healing happening and drifting farther apart.

We're not talking a Plan B here. The intent, as I understand it from our limited discussions, would be to go back to a courtship/dating phase, to get to know each other all over again and rediscover what we've forgotten and discover the things that we never did the first time.

Any input would be appreciated. Thanks.