Im praying he doesnt come over and have sex with her in her home.

When I have "sex" with the OM, it's usually on a weekend (saturday night), after work. I work at a place that's 1 1/2 hours from home and occassionally I stay at OM's house if I work the next day (sunday). It's not a very often occurance, not that that makes it any less disgusting. The OM has NEVER been to my house and never been around my children. As stupid as this may sound, I do have some morals. I know that's hard to believe considering my stupid actions the past 4 years.

Surely, that would make even her 'sure thing' upset.

I think you are doing a huge injustice to your husband and your family by not telling your husband.

Honestly, how is waiting going to make any thing any better? If you tell him and he is a 'sure thing' he can support you in your no contact.

People don't always react like you expect. I have a really strong temper and a HUGE regard for fairplay. My FWS knew that and expected to be kicked out on his a*s into the street. That is not what happened. I don['t say it didn't cross my mind along with a few other options that would have carried jail time, but it is not how i reacted.

Buy and read surviving an affair. Tell your husband. Give him the book to read.

If you can afford it, call the Harleys.

If you have a faith in God, you need to get on your knees and so some major conversing with Him. You need to get your life right from within. That is the only thing that can fill that part of you. There is another good book you should read. It is called Captivating. I think even Walmart carries it.

Have you considered antidepressants? You sound like you could be clinically depressed. Other than that, I would suggest helping others. I think that is the best way to get out of ourselves and feel good. This can be very simple. Donate the clothes and toys your children have outgrown and give to the school nurse. She always knows of needy families. Go to a nursing home and visit with folks who don't get visitors. Volunteer at a hospital, a school, etc.

Take care. You can do this.

You can get strength here. People will support you and help you through this.

GOOMBA,
I don't know what other BS think, but I am so very proud that you finally found the courage to post.
You have been convicted in your heart by the Holy Spirit!
You seem to have a grasp as to why you became a WW, but the whole matter has not be resolved.
Yes, you are going to have to tell your H everything. He deserves nothing less. I f the sit were reversed, would you not want toknow what your H had been doing behind your back?
You are about to start a very long journey with your H, and a lot of it is not going to be pleaseant. But you can get through this , much like all of us.
You are very coragious, and I think from that alone, you will have the stamiana to get through this. I won't kid you, it's going to take years!
Welcolm to MB. I expect to see a lot lmore of you.
DO THE NEXT RIGHT THING.
All Blessing,
Jerry

Moveforward-I don't know why I want to wait. It's not that I think it'll make the shock any less when I do tell my H. I think it's that when I tell him, I want to be free and clear of OM and not be involved in an active A. I want to come to him when I've become repentent and when I am ready to heal and move forward. I have read SAA, long ago. I asked my H to read it too but he didn't seem interested. Thought it was ridiculous that something like physical appearance should have such an impact in emotional needs so he chose not to read it. He wondered why I was reading it and I just told him that I thought our marriage was headed down a bad path. That was it- he never asked anymore and just kind of forgot about it.

Thanks for the info on the other book- Captivating. I will look for it this week. I have a ton of books that I'm reading. They all help. I have Co-dependent no more (thinking maybe that was my problem) and I have another one on mid-life crisis'. I have all of Max Lucado's books and quite a few of Dr. Harley's. I wish that I could afford to counsel with him but it's just not in our budget right now because insurance doesn't help pay for it.

I know I need to ask God for forgivness first and foremost. I am catholic, so I know that I will need to go to confession. I have been putting this off until I know for sure that I'm sincere about ending this affair because I don't want to make a mockery out of my confession. I do pray for guidance and strength from God and I know I need to place my faith in him

Thank you for your help and support.

Shattered- Those are wonderful ideas that you've given me for helping others. I will definately go through the boys' clothes and toys and donate them to the local school. I know that there is a nursing home a few towns away, I will stop by there with the boys and see if there's any people who don't get visitors very often. People always love seeing little twins, so they'd probably get a kick out of that.

I have been on antidepressents in the past and I didn't do well on them. I tried a few different kinds: welbutrin, lexapro, celexa and I had the same side effects with each of them. I know that I need to figure out something to help me cope with this- because I know this will be a difficult road. Does anyone know of any natural forms of anti depressents that actually work? I read about something called Anxietol (which is herbal) but don't know of anyone that's actually tried it.

Thank you for your vote of confidence in me. It's hard to feel confident when you've been in self destruct mode for so long. Thank you. Merry Christmas

Goomba,

I would say at some point, you should be honest with your husband.

I could feel that something was not right in my marriage, I never expected that it was an A.

Now that I know, my wife still continues to deny everything, this is actually harder to deal with than the A at some level. I can't believe anything she tells me.

She says she loves me, that she is not going to divorce me, that she has choosen to stay with me but she continues to see the OM.

I very much want her to be honest with me, stop seeing the OM, and then I am very willing to move on and rebuild the marriage.

Hope your husband would feel the same. I might be a "sure" thing too but I have gotten very frustrated lately. I have known for sure since this summer, suspected last winter. And the PA has actually been going on for 2yrs.

Merry Christmas

Shine Through- Thank you for your ability to give encouragement to a WS. As I said, I do admire the strength of all the BS's here. You should all be very proud of yourselves for having such a kind, caring heart. It has honestly touched me to see so many willing people (strangers, no less) take the time to reach out and help someone. It gives you faith in the human race and shows you that there are alot of good people out there.

I will tell my H about the affair. I need to get to that point, but I know I will get there. I know this will be a long journey and I'm scared about that. If the A lasted 4 years and recovery usually takes twice as long as the A lasted, does that really mean that it'll take 8 years to be fully recovered? What the h#ll have I done to my life and the life of those I love?

Bryan- I am so sorry that you are going through something so devastating. I am sorry that your wife hasn't seen you for the wonderful person that you are and hasn't appreciated your ability to forgive her. You remind me alot of my husband and it makes me feel alot of guilt just by reading your words because they could have been written by my own H. I think the main reason I don't want to tell my H right now is because I don't want to put him through what your W is doing to you right now- by holding onto you and the OM. When I go to my H, I want to be able to come to him free and clear of the OM. I don't want there to be any competition and I want us to be able to make our decision based on us- not based on having the OM still being a part of our lives. Am I just living a pipe dream here or does this make some sense? I just want him to know that he has my heart and that I will do whatever I need to do to be a repentent wife. I don't want the OM to be able to overshadow our recovery (if that's the path my H chooses to take with me).

I hope you have a blessed and merry Christmas and I pray that God helps your wife to realize what a wonderful H she obviously has in you.

Thank you.

Another thing that may help. My W's affair has really caused me to do some soul searching.

Over the last year, and especially the last 6 months I have made some big changes in my behaviour.

Faced with the very real chance of divorce - I now wonder what was I thinking about some of things I was doing.

~who~ watches your precious children when you are out on a date with OM? ... There is a reason I am asking ....

Apologies if I'm being dense here, but I thought you were a sahm? Do you work at weekends?

TA

Pepperband- my H is usually with the children while I am with OM.

TA- I am a SAHM but I work an occassional weekend once in awhile and when I work weekends is when I would stay with the OM. The place that I work is about 1 1/2 hrs away from my house and the OM lives close to where I work so I would stay with him usually. My H thought I was staying with a friend during these occassions. Outside of this, I wouldn't see OM at all so our contact was pretty sporadic, not that that matters at all.

Prayers to you and your family. You are taking a terrible chance with the lives of your family.

The people here are fighting for their marriages after discovering infidelity. But there are just as many who file for divorce and don't look back.

I hope you will get some counseling to figure out why you are so reckless with your blessings.

Believer, your words are very powerful and very dead on. I know that I have been blessed with so many blessings. I know that I'm stupid, stupid, stupid for ever risking those blessings. That's why I'm here. I do want help. I want to turn my life around. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again, and like who I see. I want to be able to look my H in the eyes and feel good about it, instead of feeling guilty. I have tried counseling and I've read every book known to mankind. I am trying to figure out what it is about me that thought this was 'OK' at one point. I need to know the why's because then I can feel like I have control of myself again. Thank you for your prayers- I need them more than you know.

I hope you have a very Merry Christmas. I have been a lurker here for a long time and I have always valued your opinion and have always been very impressed with your ability to cut through the bull and see the situation for what it is. I feel honored to have you take the time to respond to me. God bless.

The way you quit doing this is to just quit. It is like an alcoholic - you go cold turkey. Yes, it is uncomfortable, and you will be very miserable for a time. There are lots of women who were just like you who have wonderful marriages and lives now.

Do you have any symptoms of depression?

Yes, I'm sure that I am dealing with depression- at least to a degree. I have been on AD's before and had some pretty intense side effects with them (3 different kinds: lexapro, celexa and wellbutrin). I was wondering if there were any natural, herbal AD's that actually work?

Believer is right- you have to just quit. There will be time later to examine why you did everything, but for now stopping cold turkey is what you must do. I think that it means telling your husband, and quitting the job. Writing the NC letter- you know the drill.

I am not familiar with herbal AD's, but I know that within a week of starting an exercise program-fast walking 30 minutes a day- I started feeling better and in more control of things.

Goomba, you've heard a lot of things from a lot of people. People are hurting here as you've probably noticed.

I'm the FWW in my marriage, a lot older than you when I had an A, 28 years married in fact.

It wasn't until my H found out (6 months after the A ended) that we could really move forward. I was going to tell him because I couldn't live with the guilt and secrecy but he found out anyway.

Yep, cold turkey is the way to go. It's what I did and, after some horrible, horrible grief symptoms and a lot of counselling, I know I made the right choice to stay.

A 4 year A is a long time and you have very young children. You are going to need to do an awful lot of soul searching.

Jen