WOW! That's a GREAT one Mel! Love the idea of that one!

{On the "giving good phone" thing, I am not talking about phone sex (although I am not opposed to it) } Oops, sorry for the misunderstanding.

I definately think that I can improve on our phone conversations. I know that a lot of times when he calls me and i'm working, I probably cut him short and when he talks about his day (distances he has to drive and general 'truck' talk) I would not really listen, I will be working on that too. TY

I'm going to wait till tonite to bring the subject up again, unless he does first. I will ask him if he told her he wont' be talkign to her anymore and ask him what his reaction would be if i called or texted her to tell her the same. I'll for sure bring up the NC letter, but knowing my H, he will insist that won't be necessary, I kind of feel like seeing what he says about what he said to her first. I have a feeling that if he does break it off, it will be by just not calling her anymore. Obviously, she will eventually call him though. I'll bring up the letter tonight and see what his reaction is.

How do you stop crying so much. My kids will be up soon and I dont' want them to see me like this. The pain is unbelievable

dkljj and Harmonie. Are you 'recovering' with your H's? I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I feel like i'll never stop crying

(((((This)))))

Wish there was a magic way to make it stop. My kids thought one of us was terminally ill.

Go take a shower.

Scream and cry in there and get a lot of this out. It helps. You will probably want to repeat that action a lot over the next few weeks.

Get dressed. I mean dressed all the way to make up - with mascara. It helps if it is not water proof. You will work a little harder at not letting it run.

Get the kds up and stay busy. Take down the Christmas decor, deep clean the kids's closets, stay busy. Being still and quiet will not help.

Go to the book store and buy the book Surving an Affair. Most Christian Book stores have it.

I wrote this one, but it vanished, so here it is again:

When you talk to him about the No Contact Letter, be sure you tell him it is a way to show respect for you and your marriage. He may have decided and is certain in his heart that he will not contact her again, however she has probably not decided that.

I think the letter would be better than a call. If she is meeting his need for conversation, admiration, etc via the phone, why would you want to give her more opportunity to do that?

One more thing, if she works at a terminal, canhe avoid that terminal? If not, then a No COntact Letter is gong to be important for that reason as well. He will need to avoid interaction with her at that terminal as well.

I'm definately going to talk to him about avoiding this terminal. I'm not sure if he'll be able to avoid it completely though. I'm getting panicy at the thought of next time he has to go there already.

Do you know what the text messages say, or just how many there were?

Jean,
Except for the one I read yesterday, I can't tell what any of them say. He regularly deletes his stuff and the bill only says who they are sent to and date, time, etc. I also have no way of knowing how many she's sent him, as our received texts are free and not listed.

May I ask some of you veterans here ?

Why do the WS's defend the OP so avidly if we talk against them?

I'm curious.. I failed there as well.

Eibrab

Welcome and sorry.

First of all. You must discover as much as you can about OW. Is she married? She single? A mom? IF younger does she live w/mom and dad? You can hire PI or use an internet search/detective agency to come up with the info btw!

Secondly take Mel's advice and CALL HER. If a man answers, great! Tell him! Tell OW. Do not let your plan on...that you plan on EXPOSING HER TO EVERYBODY..not yet! And not only learn carrot and stick of plan A, but read the materials here.

Plan A is about showing WS what they have been missing ...en's. It is NOT about becoming a doormat though. It is NOT about letting them walk over you. Hence why EXPOSURE is a part of plan A. I describe it as becoming tough and attractive at same time. You are tough in that you show WS you are not playing around...secondly you are attractive b/c you are meeting their EN's and working on you! Remember however, meeting EN's positively and ENABLING are two different things!

Carrot and stick of A...180 degree list...those were my favorites besides reading SAA and HNHN.

Many times the WS will deny deny deny. Do you honestly think a guy is gonna talk on phone 2-3 x a day with a girl if there's no hanky panky? Mabye no sex yet...but I'd bet on they have. Sorry. It is too common. My xh lied about it too. All of em' do. Part of their affair haze.

So relax, you're here. We've been thru it. And we survived! You will too. Either WS wakes up...or you survive. Either way good...you will be stronger, better and you'll get thru it!

Because you are attacking their choice. They see it as an attack on THEM and their judgment. The WS may not even admire or respect the OW/OM [they often don't] but when their choice is attacked, they go into defense mode. And that is the LAST PLACE you want him to be.

If you don't attack the OP, the WS starts seeing the problems themselves. But if they are busy defending the OP, they are diverted frm doing that.

Hey Mel,
Not trying to threadjack, but there is a new poster in Just found out, who could use some words from you. Her name is Malibu24. She found out her husband was in an A when they got married. Wasn't that your situation as well?

I wasn't sure if you visit that section regularly or not.

This was me too. The phone would ring literally just as I walked in the door from work with DS. Usually I had to go to the bathroom badly and wanted to get out of my work clothes. I sounded annoyed on the phone but did tell him "I just walked in the door." My husband also worked alone on the road. Apparently he found someone else to call who cooed at him. He called her on his way to work, during lunch, after work, then eventually nights and weekends, text messages. I was sick to my stomach reviewing cell phone bills on DDay and realizing he called home once that month and it was a 1 minute phone call.

Yes, giving "good phone" is not about sex. It is staying connected and being happy to hear from one another.

You are hurting badly now, we have all been there. I might suggest typing her name and city into this website for a background check. www.ussearch.com I think it is about $35. If she is not too far away, you might want to do a driveby to see what kind of neighborhood she lives in, what car she drives, etc. You need to find out if she is married and has children. You might also try googling her name with quotation marks, also on Lycos.com. Find out as much about her as you can.

Good luck.

First, I want to thank everyone who responded with support and advice. You guys really did get me through a hard time this morning. I can't even bring myself to tell anyone what's going on right now. It was a lifesaver to come here and vent and get so much support.

I have read and re-read everyone of the posts to me and please know that I will take all the advice seriously. I do think that right now, I will wait to talk to him and make sure he has let her know it's ended. I don't want him to just quit calling her, I know that's just leaving things open for when she starts wondering what's up and calls him. If he won't tell her, then I will.

I'm still feeling very numb right now, so until i have time to process things through my fuzzed up brain, I will plan more.
Oh, and I don't think he's called or texted her at all today because I've been watching the cell usuage and even though I can't see who he calls, I can see that the shared mobile to mobile minutes only went up 3 minutes all day. And that would be the short time we talked earlier. I called him and said I just wanted to say hi and hear his voice. He didn't say much except he's had a pit in his stomach all day and felt terrible. I didn't want to get into things too deeply at the time because he was driving, so I just told him I loved him and goodbye.
There was only one text message sent and that would have been to me too. I texted him that I know I've taken him for granted and I'm sorry for that. He replied...'You did nothing, I'm the [censored]'...

I have to try to get myself up and ready to go to work in a hour or so. I have no clue how I'm going to pull this one off without breaking down, but I have to go. Does anyone know if it's allergy season? Need to have something to explain the puffy eyes...
I will talk to him more when I get home tonight and I'm sure I'll be back to report and get some guidance.

Thank you all again

I can't do any kind of search on her because I don't have a last name and only a cell #. All a search on the cell number would give me is the city where the phone is. Anyone know how to get a name from a cell #?

You can use a "reverse directory" to find out who that cell phone belongs to, the address, etc. The link below explains the concept fairly well. I'm not endorsing this particular company. You can Google "reverse directory" and get a few hundred thousand results. Some of the services are fairly reasonable, some aren't. The one below, for instance, offers a one-year subscription for $29.95.

http://www.reverserecords.org/

Honestly, I don't think you can get a name from a cell #. My brother even paid one of these companies who said they can get the info and of course all they could tell him was the carrier and the city.

Your situation sounds promising. Some WS, when caught, immediately repent and straighten up. Let's hope this was his wakeup call.