She has not given any indication to me whether she wants to proceed with the Divorce or not. No feedback at all (and it's driving me crazy!) If you remember my thread from a week ago she's not giving anything up as to how she really feels. One minute her comments indicate D the next they indicate hope.

I am seriously considering calling her sister and MIL to see if I can extract some info...IE: What is she thinking? Is the A or contact still happening? How are the OM and the OMW handling this? I'm just not sure how the WW will react once she finds out, which I'm sure she will. Will she interpret that as pressure and cause her to make a rash decision to D?

Still confused...and today was one of the bad days when I thought more about the A than I did about the R.

Any help?...Anyone?

DaVinci,

Read the latest developments with Waitingonlove and Dazedandconfused. Although neither is out of the woods at the least their stories will become classic Plan A literature. Both in hopeless situations and both have created hope. No matter how it ends they will both know they did all possible to save their marriages.

I would greatly appreciate if some of the experts who led them along would give their 2 cents worth on your situation. I think a Plan A of sorts would be good for you but how to implement it with WW living away I am not sure.

I have been tracking thier posts and am very happy for both of them! There is light at the end of the tunnel...I also listened to Dr. Harley's Radio files. Very smart man! I have read Surviving and affair and I am working on His needs, Her needs right now. If I had the cash right now I would have taken earlier advice and called him for an appointment...hopefully soon...

MAJOR DEVELOPMENT...and not good!

I spent the most of last night speaking with the WW's MIL. She really awakened me to the real state of the A. Here's the highlights...

1. The A is not over! The OM has been visiting the WW at her new residence. Twice last week (while she was supposedly "thinking" about our situation). Pretty blatently...even showed up when the MIL was visiting her daughter. She walked out in disgust.

2. MIL is very pissed at the whole continuing of the A...she still can't talk any sense into her daughter. She called the OM to tell him off and he told her that the WW was the "Love of his Life", but he doesn't want to lose his kids that's why he's staying with his W.

3. MIL found out through WW that the OMW found the OM's cell records...168 calls from the OM to the WW just last month! These are just the CELL calls from him to her! I don't think she's in denial anymore, but obviously not putting enough pressure on her H to make quitting the A a high priority.

4. I also found out that the OM just gave my WW $1000 to help with her bills.

5. MIL told me she has been with the WW when the OM has called (many times)where they exchanged "I love you"s.

6. She also told me that the WW knows that the OM does not want to leave his W, but either way she doesn't want to be with me and knew that for a long time. We both feel that she's hoping that the OM's marriage will self-destruct so they can be together.

I was thinking that the A was just a strong friendship with occasional sex. Obviously it's a full blown love affair!!! That's still going on!

I want to speak with the OMW again and let her know the new details because I'm sure her WH is just feeding her more BS at this point. He's feeding it to my WW too for her to stick by him considering he has told her he's not leaving his W. The problem is I can't really divulge any of these details otherwise it will get back to the OM and WW and they will know where it came from. Then my information supply will be totally cut off.

Next move???????

DaVinci,

I know your aim has been to reconcile. You have been doing a semi Plan-A, NC, 180 and have seen some positive results. I am not sure about the latest news whether there is anything worse in it than was to be expected.

I would think a Plan B is the next step – but after reading Dazed and Waiting I hesitate to recommend Plan B. Plan A is so effective but so hard.

Does adultery in any way affect divorce decision in your state? If so then please get legally accepted evidence that your WW is seeing the OM. Might have to ask your lawyer what is required. I don’t see preparing the ground for a divorce where you come out in as good as way as possible as a love-buster. Do you want OM around your kids? Do you want a married “lover” newly showered and smug to meet your kid when they come home from school?

Pray for sun – prepare for rain.

There was a thread here the other day about someone who won her husband back by doing some sort of 180. Started going out on “dates” (with herself), looked extremely happy and so on while all the time pining for WH. Eventually her WH got seriously worried about loosing her and came crawling back. If anybody remembers that thread please post a link. DaVinci needs some hope and advice now!

Bump. Feel like a boy-scout doing open heart surgery here! Would really appreciate the help of experienced MB’ers here. DaVinci really needs it.

I just talked with the OMW...she was believing that the A was only emotional and not physical. I told her that we are being lied to and that I had several sources that confirmed a PA (the WW told them). She seems to be believing more and more.

I told her that I had confirmation that they were still in contact. I also told her about the money! I asked her to be very discreet about how she uncovered this or else they would know where the information came from. (Hope she keeps her word)

I asked her if we could work together to break up the A, but she was so upset she didn't give me a straight answer and told me she had to go.

Sorry for stating the obvious but...This sh*t really sucks!

I'm seriously considering filing papers and having her served. I've read the books and know there's still a possibility for R, but at what cost? I have been asking myself if she is really someone I want to be with after all the terrible things she's done to my family and the OMW's family. Can I still love this person I once knew, that has turned out to not be the person I thought she was at all? All the years of my life she's wasted (definately the last 2 years since the A started). How many more months or years do I "give" to her in the hopes that she comes out of this "temporary insanity"?

Searching my heart for the answers...

How will a divorce come out financially? Will you loose the house and how will custody work out?

I still think Plan A is the way for you and there a divorce is a definite no-no.

Davinci2:

Sigh.......sorry for your continued troubles.

At an "anonymous" request, I am happy to try and give you an intelligent opinion on your situation.

I would give the OMW some time to digest this and deal with her own grief and obvious devestation. You may find that she wants to team up with you to affair bust after a few days.

As far as having your WW served.....I'd strongly encourage you to fully think this over and be sure you want this.

Divorce in my opinion should never ever be threatened unless this is what you want. I don't begrudge you even one second for feeling the way you do, but as sad and in despair you are now, I get the suspicion that you still have some love left for your cheating wife. You seem to still have "something" left. If that is true, then I would NOT recommend having her served with divorce papers. Don't threaten something that YOU DON'T WANT...

Divorce will NOT end your pain...trust me. You'll still be left with a shattered soul and will still need to recover yourself. There is NO EASY solution here.

Life is about cost/benefits. Noone (well some people) thinks a marriage should be saved at all costs. The cost to your self esteem and integrity, mental, physical and financial health need to be weighed. I will readily admit that I have not read every post to your thread so I don't know all of the particulars. It doesn't matter though. My advice to you doesn't hinge on your story per se. I'd NOT threaten divorce as a means to get her "off the fence" or knock any sense into her...that would be unwise.

When I served my wife divorce papers, you can bet your a$$ that I was sure that this is what I wanted...what I needed. It was the 100% dead on solution for ***ME***, but obviously you are/may be different.

Divorce came with an extremely high financial price (blood money) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />- for me....but still, in the end, it was the best decision for me. I am young and have been blessed with the ability to earn this money back a hundred times over, but living with a woman who would do this to me and our life and risk every sector of my "soul and being" was not worth all of that money multiplied one million times over.

I'd think hard if you really want this. If there is any hesitation or indecision...then I'd NOT DO IT. I know this has wrecked your life as you know it. Two years of this BS is alot....I understand. For me, another wife betrayal was a deal breaker. It was ABSOLUTE for me. Even though it was absolute, that doesn't mean that it was not a soul crushing, heart shattering, and life altering experience.

Divorce won't make it instantly better, it actually makes it instantly worse.

Whatever you do, just realize that.

My life is infintely better than it was being married to my EX-WW, but the costs were still high.

I am probably the "best candidate" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> for a divorce (highly paid, professionally educated, strong family support, many friends, NO kids) and still I was left in a devestated state with this. I am the "best case" scenario, if there is such a case. I cannot imagine if I was as like some unfortunate people here with low/middle economic class, dependent on wife's income, minimal family support and most importantly, children......whose lives will forever be altered because of this.

I don't tell you all of this to dissuade you from divorcing your WW, but to just get you to think about it, and make sure you are doing this for reasons that you WANT....not what you don't WANT.

In the end, you are more than justified in ending this mess and attempting to move on to the next stage of your life.

You don't need anyone here to give you permission for that.

Plan A/PLan B/180's, emotional needs...all that stuff I will leave to the experts to advise you on. I don't have anything intelligent to say to you about that.

I understand the extreme frustration that you live with waiting for the "temporary insanity" to end. I know this annoys and upsets people here that I say this, but truthfully....it may never end. Maybe I am an anomaly in that in at least MY CASE...the joke was on me..my wife was not the person I thought she was. I could have waited another 5 years....some times we have to accept that people are "who they are"...because they CHOOSE be that way.

As I look back on my situation now, I kind of think of it almost as a bad dream. However this did happen to me, and I can't deny it. But, I survived the fall <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />.

It is for better or worse a part of me and has made me into the man I am today. Thats' good though. As we speak, there is a woman who walks this earth who will someday want to find my wife and say "THANK YOU" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Lemonman