I don't think I should be the one to file for D or to move out..yet, as far as I can tell WH hasn't done anything but see an attorney to find out his rights in a D.

My morals/standards tell me I should not be the one filing - since he has been cheating and refuses to even try to work on the M he should be the one to stand up and file for D. When I was a WS in my prior M - I was the one that left and filed for the D - I was the one in the wrong not my BS.

Do other BS feel it's "only right" for their WS to leave/file for D??

Who actually filed and why??

What is 'right' about anything going on with y'all? Heck all these doings have led you out there among the ranks of WS's, even if'n y'all ain't "together" y'all are married.

In you case with assets and a business being the major sticking points, I would be of the opinion that your best bet would to be on offense, thus requiring you to file. Not only that but I also feel that it would go a long way in your overall healing/self-esteem if you were to be pro-active versus being re-active.

If we were sitting around drinking a cup of joe by the barn I'd probably say "Put your big girl panties on get 'er did...."

I wished I had filed for DV, at least if I filed we will still be married since it takes 18 months for the DV to be final. Actually I could get a divorce immediately in my state since I had grounds, but if I filed I could have delay the procedure without him backstabbing me the way he did.

He secretly moved to Vegas (with the OW) without telling anyone and filed in Vegas. I live in New Jersey and it was hard to contest a no-fault state unless I had the money to fight it (which I didn't).

At least he put out the thousands to file for DV but it was the way he did it after he promised me when he left, he would stay in the area and when the time comes for us to end our marriage we would talk it out like adults and decided what the next step would be. I shouldn't have a trusted a cheater?

Thing is I know this was the OW idea since I found Dominican Republic brochures given to him by the OW when he was living at home.

She needed to get him away from me and divorce me as quickly as possible so she could have him to herself. Maybe if he stayed in the area there would have been a greater chance of us getting back together.

So I wished I had filed even though I wanted to save my marriage; this way I would have protect myself from him and the OW and it would have bought me sometime to save my marriage.

IT HURTS, I don't remember the details of your situation so I can't respond specifically to you. If you still want to save your marriage, then that's a reason to let WH be the one to file. In my case, my WH left 5 years ago and might not ever have filed. He's dragged his feet the whole way, which is why we're still not divorced! I filed to protect myself financially and physically - it's easier to get a restraining order when filing for divorce. Since I live in a no fault state, who files and why doesn't change the outcome.

You need to decide based on your own circumstances. There's really no right or wrong here.

I am currently the BS and I did file. I did not want to file, I feel like the previous poster. This is WH baby, he needs to handle it. But, my WH won't handle it, so I had to file to I can get temp support.

When I was the WS, I also handled the paperwork. I never filed though, I didn't want a divorce then either. But I did get all the papers drawn up.

I think my H wants me to handle things so he can whine and moan about how his meany wife divorced him and took all his money. And he can say when she was the WW, I just gave her space to figure out what she wanted.

But my H is just lazy and can't be very grown up about most things.

WW filed. I didn't want to filed b/c I was fighting for my M and also there is no financial risk for me at the time. It is a legal decision and best leave your emotion out from it.
-rh-

I am the BS and I filed. I just could not do it anymore.... It literally felt like I was driving to my own funeral when I went to file.

At times a feel so guilty for filing - I think I should have made her do it. Other times I am glad that I did - it showed I have had enough of her behavour.

It is a tough call... When I filed, she played the victim but nobody believed it. But she made me feel so guilty about it.

Keith

Bill - Why??? Wouldn't I be better off being the victim? In his prior 3 marriages - He's always been the one to file for the D - I'd think that would show he's the one that gives up or that replaces women as easily as a wrecked car.
I'm afriad he'll use my filing against me personally and financially - could that happen??



Hmm, the barn my favorite place for serenity from all this madness. It's the only place I feel safe, loved and needed.

I know I need to get this "done" - and I think he's trying to get me to file. Maybe his shark attorney has told him to push me into filing for some "legal issue" that I'm not aware of - because he's rarely home anymore and when he is he's even more cold and callous than in the past. It's like let's see how far I can push her, maybe she'll get sick of my crap and pick up and leave..then he keeps the house, for the time being, etc. He can be the "victim" - "She left me - I was never going to leave her"...

I guess I need to make a call to my financial/business attorney and see what actions he can take against me at our business car/expenses/insurance,etc. when I file or just move out. I need to know what he can "take" from me business wise. Personal wise, he cut me off his checking account and gives me no money - though, he does pay all the utilities at home. Thank God I still have a paycheck...though, I wonder if I move out if he can take that off me too??? Like being a WH isn't enough damage...

Hugs.

I am the BW and I filed.As much as I felt my marriage was sacred and I honored it,I just could not go on living as I was anymore.It was pure he** and if I stuck it out for 18 months as suggested in the SAA book,I would be on the funny farm.

I felt at the time that there was no alternative.It wasn't that I gave up on my marriage but in reality,I didn't have one anymore.So,if my WH didn't start fighting for ME,US and our FAMILY and MARRIAGE then I wasn't going to hold on anymore,so I let him go.

It was sickening,sordid,sad,painful,disgusting and humiliating that my WH was still contacting and lying about the homewrecker and I didn't want to be with him anymore under those circumstances.I value myself too much.Everyone is different though and what one believes is best for them may not be for other's.

I'm fairly certain my STBXWH feels that he was off the hook since *I* made the decision but he can think whatever he wants if it helps his warped mind.I had to make a decision based on what was happening to me and not him.

O

As the BS, I filed for the divorce as a natural consequence of following plan A and then plan B. It put me in better control of the timeline and helped me retain a little more dignity - given that the marriage is over, which one must be sure of.

In my state there seemed to be no legal significance over who filed first. Socially, if people already know the spouse is cheating, then filing for divorce may help to mitigate any loss of respect for you.

Good luck,

I filed after I found out he attended the birth of OC behind my back. We have stopped/delayed the D more than I can count due to multiple false recoveries. So it will be a while yet before the D is final as I am just getting the rest of my financials to the attorney.

I'm the BS, I initiated the divorce and we both filed as a mutual-consent divorce.

[color:"purple"] Reason I initiated divorce-- [/color] I didn't want to be married and yet have no H.

[color:"purple"] Reason for mutual consent-- [/color] cheaper. Only one lawyer to pay. Also faster than a contested divorce.

[color:"purple"] Why he wouldn't divorce-- [/color] he doesn't want to pay the money. And separation gives him the reason to fool around without commitment.

[color:"purple"] How I got him to consent-- [/color] I threatened to show up at his office, bringing the D papers, stop by OW's desk, give her a piece of my mind... maybe tell her she needs rhinoplasty and ask if it was good being under my husband's desk all the time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

I waited two years giving him a second chance and then about eight more months because he was dragging his feet. I feel I have already wasted too many years on this man who does not appreciate what we had together.

Our divorce will be final this March.

YES it is only right-- with or without Plan A, WS has to decide- stay with spouse and lose the OP or OUT.

It'll drive me crazy to have WS staying in the house and having an A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I don't care what WS thinks or the reasons he has. Fortunately, I pay for the house we lived in and most of the furniture, so he left. Parasite.

I am the BS and I filed. I gave up waiting for my STBX to come out of the fog/feel remorse/say sorry/care about me and our marriage.

Here in the UK, if you file a fault-based petition (either unreasonable behaviour or adultery) the 'guilty party' usually has to foot all the legal bills. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't pay legal costs anyway, as I'm claiming legal aid. But my atty will claim her slice from STBX after the D is final just as his atty will. Then there's the court costs on top of that too.

As the partner who filed, I can speed up/slow down the D process - I am in control. This was important to me. I was sick of being manipulated by my lousy STBX.

Alph.

Alphin,

It isn't perfect but I really like the way the system works in the UK. I understand why the no fault states like California(home) enacted the statute but like a lot of ideas designed to rectify one inequality, another pops up in its place. There should be a provision for punishing the breaker of the M contract, be it legal costs or a different split on marital assets or debts.

You know, even if you live in a No-Fault state you can still file listing a reason while your filing.

But I'm curious, why do you feel he should be the one filing?
It actually says more about YOUR standards if you do file, your telling everyone "I will NOT put up with being treated this way" as opposed to saying "A man can treat me anyway he wants to and I'll just sit back and take it, and wait on him to decide if he wants me or not"

Why? Why let HIM decide whats going to happen in YOUR LIFE?

Good question.

At first, when I was still desperate to save the marriage, everyone on the boards kept telling me that if he wanted the D, he should be the one to do the hard work. After waiting seven months for him to file, after feeling sick every morning when the mail arrived, expecting a dirty fat D petition to land on the mat, I woke up one morning and thought 'scr£w this, and scr£w him'. I wanted a new life, and I needed to move forward. I had fought hard for my marriage, not as hard as many here I admit, but the best I could. I wanted peace for myself and my kids, and I need financial security. So I filed.

I did wonder whether the fact that he didn't file was a sign that he was perhaps in two minds about the OW and ending his marriage for her. Now I don't really care any more. I've made up his mind for him.

It is slightly annoying that he might one day come back at me and say 'well, you're the one who filed for divorce! I was thinking about coming back before you did that!' But the way I see it, he broke our marriage the day he left me. I didn't break it by filing - it's just a technicality.

Alph.

I'm the BW - I filed for D. It was his second A and I just couldn't see myself in that situation again. For me it was my way to say 'I do not agree with what you are doing and I'm not going to take part in that'
especially after he said that he was not going to leave me but he was not going to leave OW either.

D was final in less than three months on grounds of adultery and cruel treatment. NY state. He did not contest, did not have a lawyer. My lawyer handled everything. She advised me to divorce since we had a dughter and she needed protection.

While I had my doubts about divorcing, there was no remorse on his part at that moment. I knew he would want to come back. I just didn't understand why he would not fight for our marriage ...
After the D was final, about two months later he said that the real reason he let everything go through with the divorce was because OW was pregnant.

At that moment, I was glad that I was divorced ... I do not think I was going to be able to keep trying to save my M while OW was pregnant.

I'm the BW, and I filed. It was/is a total whirlwind. WH left me out of the blue in early September, I filed on Nov 1. I did it b/c WH gave no indications whatsoever that he wanted to come back. The last straw was when I drove by OW's place and saw his truck there late at night, and it was still there early the next morning. I figured that if this was going to end, it needs to be on my/DD's terms, not his. And I knew that if I let him run the show by filing or sitting down to discuss a settlement, he would bully/railroad me. Scr*w being a doormat!

Plus, in some way, I want this in black and white... a permanent, legal record of what he has done to our family.

This is very important for me, too. Another reason why I named OW in the papers. I've heard so many people have filed citing 'unreasonable behaviour' for the D when the real reason was an affair - I wasn't going to do that! This way, I he'll always have to remember it is down in black and white - your wife divorced you because of your adultery with OW.

Alph.