hello all,
My wife and I have been married now for 12 years. The first 4 years were wonderful. She was my best friend.
In an effort to better our finacial standing I took a job that required long hours, after discussing with her the responsibilities of the job. Shortly after she had a historectamy at 28, settled into a state of depression and things began a downward slide. In August, Following an out of town trip wih a "girlfriend" to get "much needed time for herself", I was convinced of an affair. Following her return we spent hours discussing and clearing the air of eaches hurts and pains. Both of us agreeing to work on our issues of communication and trying to find the love we had burried. The next several months were good she began to stay at home in the evenings, yet she still seemed reserved and somewhat withdrawn. November 18th, with my trust level at it's lowest, I point blank asked the question pin pointing the lover to her boss and mutual friend. She came clean to the two year affair, stated the relationship was over and seemed to have a gotten a major burden off her shoulders, though refused to leave her job. Through the previous months I had accepted and forgiven her even though I had no solid proof. I instantly surrounded her with support and love while trying to deal with my own emotional rollercoaster. she says she knows she loves me but doesn't know what she wants out of life. I am still totally in love with her and want her to talk with me about her emotions, and make this relationship work. But it seems I am doing all the talking to the point of repetition and getting no responses, emotionally or physically. I am trying to give her space without giving too much space, to allow her to deal with things. She is talking of separation to find herself, saying she hadn't ever lived alone. I do not want to give her that for fear of loosing her, yet I am willing to support her, with the hope of her realizing how much she's needed and loved. I have put things in God's hands. He is the great miracle worker. But I still feel helpless

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm glad you have found us. You can start in Plan A. Read all about it here. It is to show her what a great husband you can be. It seems like you have done that intuitivly.

Try to spend 15 hours a week with her doing enjoyable things. This is one thing that is necessary.

The only problem I see is that she is still working with him. The Harleys say that won't do.

If she has no contact with him, she will go into withdrawal for a couple of months, and get over him. Then she will feel like working on your marriage.

I'll second believer on this one fish.

As long as she is in ANY contact with him you will probably never be able to recover your marriage.

15 hrs is also critical.

Have you considered counselling with the Harley's. It is, without a doubt, worth the time and money.

Welcome - sorry you need to be here but glad you came.

I am sorry but it is unacceptable for her to continuing working and being with her affair partner. I think you are deluding yourself that recovery will occur with continuing contact. She is continuing to disrespect you by working with her lover. She needs to find another job and send a no contact letter. In addition, if the boss is married I would contact his wife. I would most certainly have both of you immediately be tested for STD's. These are the consequences to cheating and betrayal. Two years is a long time to be cheating on you with her boss. You sound like you are far too accommodating and enabling her. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed, do you think your wife would be so accepting of you having a two year sexual affair with your secretary?

You need to read James Dotson's book Love must be tough. Her actions indicate that she has very little respect for you at this point. It sounds like you forgave her too quickly where she wasmaking a mockery of your marriage and putting your health at risk for two years. She should be doing everything to win you back. The more you accept her actions the less respect she will have for you.

Thanks everyone for the responses.

I agree and have been pushing for the time together. although, she tends to push for that time to be time as a family, her and my son, which really doesn't give us time together one on one, which has been one of the pitfalls of our marraige all along, no one on one time, no time to really talk about emotions. It seemed that the only time we were one on one was while we were intimate.

I printed several of the columns which Dr Harley had posted with letters describing the way women who had affairs were feeling. Many detailing the same things and emotions she says she is feeling, and gave them to her last night. Dr Harleys responses always included, cutting ALL ties to the former lover. One was a very similar situation to mine, from betrayees view. I hope all of these will hit home to her, and make her realize the necessity of leaving the job and cutting ties. She basically runs the company, I believe her fear is the company will fold should she leave. He already left his family for her and should she leave, would lose his business and income as well. I personally could care less. I wouldn't care if he were living on the street homeless. I am pushing for this and have been since I found out. It tends to put a larger wedge between us so I have began pushing it in other forms.

She is also dealing with the issues of everyone around looking down on her. Our 18 year old daughter and her sister found out a year ago, her sister cut all ties and leaked the info to other family members. At this point the point I'm just trying to pick her up emotionally from where
she and others have badgered her and has ran herself into the ground over her mistake. She is at teh lowest I can ever remember her being.

Well another conversation this morning. The talking is pushing her away. I got this morning that she feels numb. She explained how neglected she felt, how I never seemed to have time for her., But I think she's failing to see how I too was feeling unwanted and unneeded how she wasn't meeting my emotional needs either. I can't convince her that we can make this work If both of us try everyday to meet each others needs and to put the past behind us and look to the future together. I Love her so much it hurts, I'm feeling so rejected. She keeps saying she needs her space, space to decide what she wants out of life. I don't want plan B. She'll never return she'll just put up a wall and hide in her shell. What do it do?