pep,

I understand what your saying. I remember pushing my moms buttons as well ....

The thing is she is just spouting what her father has said...

The house isn't messy, I have worked really hard to keep things neat and orderly. This was a problem in the past I will admit it. But we also had 9 people living in a small 3 bedroom house with one bathroom... And two little grandbabies living here, so yup things were always a mess... But now just the 3 of us things stay pretty nice.

So what she was saying is just things her dad is useing to justify what he has done.... Even he has noticed how nice everything is when he came over, which of course has not been much for several months now due to planb ....

I just don't see why she wants to hurt me after all of what she has seen me go through..... I understand to a certain point about why she is kissing her dads butt, she has a fear of loosing him... I understand it but I don't have to like it ...

I know i lost my temper tonight with her and I shouldn't have, I should have just walked away but so much hurt and anger by what she said just took me back to listening to WH say the same things....

Edited to say ...... Pep you may be on the money, I never looked at it that way.... Maybe she is fearful of this happening to her......

[color:"red"]The thing is she is just spouting what her father has said... [/color]

... because she is afraid that her Daddy left her Mommie for NO GOOD REASON

Hurting,
I think your daughter is acting like a normal teenager. She's acting like her father, but her father is acting like a teenager. Dumping her on her father and some OW would be the last thing she needs.

There's a book called "How to Talk to Teens so a Teen will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk" may help you. Poor girl. Would she want to grow up to end up in your shoes? I think she needs a lot of love. My daughter has told me she won't ever get married, and no wonder. I've told her she's seen the worst of M and hope she'll see the best.

My almost teenage daughter shows disrespect towards me. Is it because she's almost a teen or she is imitating her father? Doesn't really matter. I leave when she does things that are disrespectful.

Cherished

say (remaining calm) ... " If you live here, you will respect me, and my house rules."

Keep,

I have to disagree with what you said. I do not trash their dad to them. I have always since all of this started allowed any calls or visits with their father.

What upsets me is she always calls him to tattle on her brother to get him in trouble. Then WH wants to disapline DS for it. These argument between DD and DS are not things he needs to disapline DS for, I can handle it myself.

Yes, when its something that I feel WH needs to be on I let him know. But these piddly arguments are stupid and he does not need to know about everyone of them.

We are talking about a man who ignors the kids 95% of the time unless it suits him. he is a dad when it suits him or it can be used against me that I can't control them. it was freaking little argument about a game.....

I have begged this man to spend more time with the kids, I have begged him to call them more, but does he NO!!!

I do not talk bad about him to them, I always tell them he is their dad and always will be and they need to love and respect him. Maybe I shouldn't have said she was acting like her dad, it was uncalled for but it hit me the wrong way.

I have yet to trash my H to anyone , everyone his family, my family and our friends even WH himself knows I love him and have yet to call him names or shown any anger. So I made one mistake yesterday and it won't be repeated.

He in turn has done nothing but hurt me and say cruel and unkind things about me and to me. He tells my children these things as well. So if anyone is using the kids to say bad things to about the other its him.

So she can c all her dad anytime she wants I don't care, she just does not need to call him everytime something happens to get him involved in things that are not important and I can handle myself. He walked away not me and I don't need him trying to tell me how to disapline my DS. If he wanted to be the dad he should be and know all that happens he should have been a man and done the right thing....


Hurting

Ok i feel like such a fool....

We all went out to eat dinner tonight at a place that I have not been to since WH left.

I was doing really good enjoying myself with the whole family, MIL and both SIL's and all our kids. When my SIL'S phone went off and it was WH. She was sitting right next to me and he asked where are you , she told him. He said who all is there she said the whole family except for you. Then he was asking some insane question about did his mom have another middle name for him except the one he had. Now who knows why he was wanting to know this.

Anyhow she got him off the phone and as we were eating the singer in the place who roams around and sings came by our table. He stopped and started singing a song that was one of mine and WH'S favorite songs.

Well that triggered me and I fell apart right there in the middle of the place and had to get up and leave the table... I never expected for something like that to knock me to my knees.

People were looking at me , I was so embarrassed. How long will thess triggers happen and how do I handle them? Now I know I won't go back there for a long while. I have been avoiding places just for this reason. I feel like crap right now.... I hate this .....

If you really said to her what you quoted, then you certainly did trash him. I don't blame her for defending him. She loves him.

You need to ALLOW her to have whatever relationship with him that they have. If she wants to call him and tatttle, then I would think that is her decision.

You are trying to hang on to the "victim" mentality. Why is it that you are allowed to be mad at your husband but she is not allowed to be mad at you? Why is she not allowed to feel that her brother is "picking" on her? You are trying to make her feel what you want her to feel. (and then say you aren't really doing that)

Actually you did the RIGHT thing by leaving. Didn't you notice that SHE CAME to you after you left and told them to settle it themselves? Your mistake was when she told you what way SHE settled it. You didn't like her way and you reacted with anger. You should have told her "good for you, I am glad you worked it out", and then turned and continued on as if if mattered not one iota that she "tattled" to her dad. The more you let her think THAT bothers you, (and it does) the more she will use it to push your buttons.


What you need to do is to forget about it and "keepmvnforward". You are over thinking this stuff.


Your kids need to see a "happy, confident, woman. If I can see how bitter you are at your husband WITHOUT knowing you, then how can you really believe that you are "hiding" it from them. They can see right through it. Your are only fooling yourself if you really believe otherwise.

Keep,

You know this is one incident that has happened in all these months , that I actually showed any anger or said anything that was out of the way to any of my children.

I don't want my kids to hate their father , I want them to have the relationship they need to have.

Yes I might be somewhat bitter and angry but I have that right after all this man has put me through. I don't walk around here crying, and belittling him at all. My children know I love their dad.

Am i suppose to act like nothing is wrong and that I'm not hurt or angry? My DS was with me when I found out about this , he saw me fall apart and my heart break into.... My kids have heard the things he has said to me and about me. I can't hide my hurt or anger its there. Not like it used to be but its still there..

I spoke with my DD tonight and told her I was wrong for reacting the way I did. I said to her I should have never compared her to anyone else, she is her own person.

My DS left tonight to be with his dad at a bowling tournement all weekend. I want him to have a good tme and enjoy the time with his dad. If nothing else good comes of this whole mess ,the nain thing is the children have a good relationship with their father and I am not doing anything or will do anything to stop that. He will always be their father no matter what he is to me.

Believe what you will but I still love my H very much, yup I am mad at him no doubt. I don't see anything wrong with the kids knowing I love him but still can be hurt and angry thats real and human.

In the end of all of this I apologized for saying what I did and I will make sure I am more careful how I handle these situations....


Hurting

I forgot to say. I have a job interview tomorrow. Its a better job with more money and better hours. Plus benefits... I am hoping I get this job.....

Ok I am off to work now ....

Take care all ,

Hurting

Hurting,

Don't beat yourself up over this. We all have a slip of the tongue now and then, especially when we've been caught off guard. We live and learn.

I'm sorry for your pain at dinner, tonight. Triggers will come and go, when you least expect it. But it will eventually ease with time. You've come along way, you just have a few more bumps to go over, but it WILL smooth out, and you'll make it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Hang in there.......

Jennifer

jennifer,

Thanks for your response. I have pretty much stayed away from places that we used to go to a lot because I was afraid of this happening. I would have been ok if not for the song.

I still have a hard time listening to music, and its one of the things I love in this world. Just so many songs bring back memories and I just don't want ot deal with them.

I guess your right in time things will not trigger me so much.


Hurting

((( Hurting )))

How nice to get to be able to go out to a nice dinner with the whole family. I am so sorry the song upset you. After a heartbreak like most of us have been through, it is sure hard to listen to these songs the same way anymore. When I hear a song that I really like, I just try to sing it and enjoy it for what it is.. I try real real hard to block out any other meanings.... but it is not easy.

I will keep you in my prayers today for your job interview.

Best regards - car

Hi Hurting,

Hoping you get the job today!

Lady

Hi Hurtinginokla,

I know exactly what you mean about the music. For so long after my H's affair it was so painful to listen to the songs that had once brought me so much joy. I love music and dancing and the great feeling it gives me. To have it become so painful was devastating. Only now, nearly 2 years after d-day, can I get right into the music again and enjoy it for what it is. Why do so many songs have to be about relationships, why can't they just be about the joy of being alive? The next time I have the chance I am going to sing at the top of my lungs and dance like there is no tomorrow, just for you. Actually, I will do it now, even though it is 1.30 in the morning (I am in Oz). My eldest daughter had her 21st birthday party at home last weekend and I spent most of the night dancing and singing, and I loved it.
Reewil...

Hi Hurtinginokla,

I did it. I put on a disco song and I danced for you (couldn't sing too loud as it is the middle of the night). I had a ball, it was great. I put on the song Disco Duck by Rick Dees. Sounds like a weird song but it is just about having fun, have you heard of it? I will send it to you if you like. Actually it felt so good that I am off to do it again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

reewil (no I'm not crazy).

How did the job interview go????
Reewil.

I had the job interview. I go for my drug test monday and they are doing my background check as well....

If I pass both which I will, I have a new job !!!!!!

I am so excited ..... Things are really looking up now....

Plus I found out that OW went on the weekend thing with DS and WH. So come Monday my attorney will know that WH broke the LS agreement about overnights with DS. You wanna play ya gotta pay.....


Take Care .

Hurting

Hi Hurting,

Congrats on the Job!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How did you find out about DS being with OW and WH overnight over this weekend?

Lady

Congratulations on the job, I hope it all goes well.
Reewil

Oh Hurting... that is such GREAT news !!

You are going to have a new and better job
one with benefits <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I am sooooo happy 4 you. Yipppeeeeee

My best regards - carnation