Hi everyone,

I’m new here, referred from another site.

Basically, I’m wondering whether Plan B will apply in my case, and if it does, whether it comes too late.

I’ve been married for 20 years to a wonderful man, the love of my life, and he told me I was his. We were passionate best friends. He left home about seven months ago. He literally decided to leave overnight, after a few weeks of tension and admitted nastiness on my part. When I promised him I was willing to change and do whatever it took, he told me I was “telling him everything he wanted to hear, but three weeks too late”. Within a week or two, he had descended into an unbelievable rage and was revising history, telling me I’d been making him feel bad about himself for 20 long painful years, telling me I’d never showed him I loved him, that I’d “abused” him emotionally, and recriminating me for things I thought had been forgiven and forgotten. He also started getting very nasty and cruel, saying things I find hard to believe to this day. I have since learnt a lot about midlife crisis and can see that he’s behaving true to “script”.

Like I said, he literally left overnight, although he promised me he would think about things. Two months on, he tells me it is definitely over. A month after that, he tells me he’s had an OW for several weeks: “just friends”, but it will probably develop into something more. When I asked him why he thought he could blithely pursue another relationship when we’re still married, he replied that he “considered the marriage over the moment he walked out the door”. He told me he was moving on, had moved on from the very beginning. I told him there could not be three people in this relationship. I asked him not to see her any more. It didn’t work, and things have gone on. Even though we ARE married, in the eyes of the law as well as God’s, in his screwy state of mind he’s free to pursue this relationship. (Although it doesn’t absolve him from guilt. He feels VERY guilty, but it’s a kind of self-indulgent guilt that isn’t prompting any kind of change.)

I have done a good job at detaching, for the most part. In the beginning, I took his cruelty on the chin because I didn’t know what else to do and I was reeling from the shock and pain, but then sanity and self-esteem kicked in, and I drew boundaries where I didn’t let him recriminate or insult me further. But I have slipped a few times, most notably lately, when either he or I opened up dialogue about our marriage and it just degenerated from there. A huge leap backwards, to me, and I’ve had to set boundaries and detach all over again.

It hasn’t been all bad. H has often been warm and lovely and almost his old self. I have responded to this person and tried not to respond to the “doppelganger”.

All in all, I’ve behaved (if I say so myself) in exemplary fashion. I chose to take the high road and promised myself I would not let anger and bitterness on board. Although I have been assertive at times, I have yet to act angry with him or rude, or anything like that. I have been loving, understanding, and supportive. But he finds the tiniest things to take offense at and off he goes! I don’t take any of this crap, but the past few weeks, for one reason or another, he’s baited me and I’ve bit. Our nadir occurred on Christmas Eve, after I told him S10 couldn’t spend Christmas with him if the OW was there. He went insane, calling me things NO ONE has ever called me, let alone the love of my life, who had for 20 years respected me. I retreated away from him at 100mph.

I knew I had to cease contact with him, for my self preservation as much as anything else: since this woman has come into our lives, his guilt makes him strike out at me, and so it’s clear that contact is impossible while she’s in the picture, although I’ve tried. Shortly after this I came across the theories of Plans A and B. I sent a Plan B letter yesterday. I still love my H and would forgive anything if he were willing to put in the hard yards, but it’s been so long, and so much has happened, that I don’t know whether this is possible.

My questions are these:

- Could Plan B work for someone who considers his marriage “over” and that is why he took on an OW?

- Given how long it’s been, and all that’s happened, does Plan B come too late?

I enclose the letter I wrote to him yesterday. I am told by someone who frequents these boards that I should have kept the Christmas kerfuffle out of it, and that it’s probably too personal. I wasn’t angry when I wrote it, but given that the last time we spoke he insulted me horribly, I didn’t think warmth was warranted; I wanted to be more businesslike. And so my next question: have I blown it with this letter? Will it do the job, do you think?

-------------

Dear Demolition Man,

I hope you will read this short letter. I also hope you will print it out, because you might find, in future, that you need to refer to it. There is no need for you to reply to it, as you will understand if you choose to read on.

I want to tell you a couple of things before I get to the point of this letter. You accused me of badgering you the other day, and although that wasn’t at all my intention, I can understand how you felt that way. You also said some ugly, ugly things in relation to my not “letting you see” S10 for Christmas. In the month or so prior to Christmas, I wrote you a couple of letters and said some things to you on the phone in order to bring me closure, and as a result you assumed that it was my hurt that prompted my subsequent actions. These two things were separate issues, but unfortunately, they coincided, so you drew your own conclusions. Fine. Although it’s hurtful, I accept that you will continue to judge me as you have been. Nonetheless, I want to once again state that how often you see S10 is up to you. It has ALWAYS been up to you. But my boundary – in concrete now, not sand – remains until the day you divorce me: he is not to be with you when you are with your mistress.

But on with what I have to say.

You know I love you. I had many dreams and things of a sacred nature tangled up in us. I would have gone anywhere, done anything, forgiven everything, to maintain our marriage and family, and reconstruct it into something far greater than we ever dreamed for always. I used to tell you that you might in this world find someone who loves you better than I do, but never one who loves you more. You may deny it now – deny as you did that time that you ever knew I loved you, and that I ever showed it – but I know that one day you will know that this is true. One day when all the dross that you have surrounded yourself with has been stripped away, you will be left with only the knowledge of the few truths you have learnt while on this earth, and as you sift through these truths, you will find my love among them.

And given that I still love you, I must now withdraw myself from you, completely. I must withdraw myself from you to protect the love I still have left in my heart for you. I am also withdrawing to protect myself from you. Your behaviour, and your affair with this woman, is hurting me, and my love for you.

When you first told me about your mistress, just a few months after you moved out, I told you that you couldn’t have a relationship with both of us. But I tried to modify this, for the sake of the children. Nonetheless, time, events, and your behaviour towards me have gone on to show that my initial pronouncement was correct. It is now crystal clear: I cannot have a relationship with you – any kind of relationship – while you are having an affair with this woman, or any other woman. Indeed, I cannot have any kind of relationship with you while you are even in touch with this woman, or any other woman you are involved with in the same way.

Please do not ring me on the phone, or text me, or try to see me. Please do not come to the house or the property unannounced, and do not enter as you did on December 24 without knocking or being allowed in by me. We must remain in touch for the sake of the children and finances, but I think we can do this through e-mail. I am happy to speak to you should things be too complicated for an e-mail, but unless you are calling about a real emergency, please understand that the children and finances are the only subjects I am willing to discuss. I am making arrangements for my snail mail and will let you know these accordingly. I will not suddenly become rude and ignore you: I meant what I said on the 24th when I told you that my behaviour will NEVER fit the ugly image you have of me in your mind. And this is not about vengefulness or playing some sort of game. Please understand that you have been hurtful to me, over and over again, without provocation, and now a radical lack of contact is necessary for me to preserve two things I hold most precious: the remaining love and respect I have for the real you, and the love and respect I have for myself.

I will be happy to resume contact and have a relationship with you when you have finished your affair with this woman and have ceased all contact with her. In the meantime, I will continue to move on with my life, which I am happy, surprised, and very humbled to say, is very, very good. I only wish you could share it with me.

Con amor siempre,

River

--------------

I’d be interested in your takes on this. I’ll be in and out over the next few days because of the New Year holidays, but I will check in as soon as I can.

Thank you.

River

Have you sent this letter?

Who is this OW and why do you believe he met her AFTER he left and not before?

Have you exposed this affair?

Absolutely! But it must be used strategically, after a GOOD PLAN A or the WS is just relieved to be rid of you. I don't believe that your marriage was just "over" and then he took an OW. I think it is the other way around.


No, and it is not too late for Plan A either. That has to come first.

He's known her for many years, since she was a child (BARF).

I know he's never been unfaithful to me. What happened was that after he'd left, she rang him up saying, "I heard about you and River, and I'm shocked!" She offered him her lovely shoulder to cry on, and then it was on. I know it sounds a little bit suss given that she appeared in the picture so soon, and I don't want to sound like I'm clutching at straws, but I know what while he was living with me, he was faithful. Nonetheless - whether here or out of here, it's all the same to me. He's being unfaithful and the betrayal and pain are the same.

Funny... I always said that this is the way an affair would happen if it ever did. I always knew that he wouldn't cheat on me while we were together, but if things were to go seriously wrong, he would likely go with the first person to offer him a sympathetic shoulder.

She knew exactly what she was doing. Although I don't excuse H in any way and make him fully responsible for his actions, leaving me and the children was terrible for him and he was definitely vulnerable when he left. And she's had experience. Her first husband left HIS first wife and children for her when she was 17 years old. I read somewhere that after a long-term marriage men invariably trade down, and I think this is certainly the case here. Although that's not the way H sees her, I think. She's his saving angel, you know? She's nice, and warm, and sympathetic, and she makes him happy. I can't compete with that, no way. Not after 21 years of the warts-and-all of marriage and my fiery Latin personality.

He exposed himself. He started taking her out in our small town straight away. He wants to be "honest". I have steered clear of saying anything about the OW's existence, but this stops as of now.

RT, you say that he said things from a "midlife crisis script," but I am telling you, the things he said are the classic, textbook words of a WS in an affair. Now, it won't make a difference in how we approach this, but unless you were downright abusive, I have to believe there is more to the story here. Rewriting history in order to justify an affair is classic. If you read some of the behavior of our standard WS on this forum, you might be quite surprised.

But that is neither here nor there. Moving forward. Did you send this letter?

Well... I'm happy to accept that. Nonetheless, let me give you an insight into my H's screwy state of mind. He's got a highly emotionally demanding job and as a result he's been seeing a psych for seven years. She's big into the whole childhood thing, which is bad news because with hindsight now I see that H has suffered depression as long as I've known him, and this kind of treatment is the worst thing you can do for a depressive. She told him that he had to protect his "inner child" from me. So that was what he said: he loved me, loved the children, etc., but he had to protect his inner child from me and couldn't submit himself to my "abuse" any longer.

Sigh...


OK so... HOW? How can I implement a Plan A when he's been gone for months, and now that I've sent him the PBL? Eek! Help!

Oh, I believe you about the "script" applying to affairs too. It doesn't surprise me because the affairs/MLC arenas overlap so often they might as well be interchangeable.

But yeah... I did send the letter. Have I screwed up royally?

I was kinda hoping that my behaviour - which has been great, erm, most of the time - through all this might have served as an ersatz Plan A.

You can easily implement a Plan A from afar. You do your best to frame the situation with him, telling him you KNOW you have failed to meet his needs and are sorry you let him down in the past. Then you start a plan designed to ATTRACT him back by avoiding all lovebusters. No more "fiery" behavior, no more disrespect, no more angry outbursts. You must attract him back by proving to him that you have changed.

The advantage you have over OW is a shared history of long term love to which she does not have access. You have an idle fat bank account sitting there waiting to be tapped. She has none of that, she has no history and her bank account is newly opened.

In all your dealings with him, you must ask yourself: "do I appear more or less attractive than OW?" Because every time you lambast him, you made HER look good. And this is NOT the help-the-ho-bag program, so you don't want to be helping her.

As you do this over time, he will slowly begin to be attracted back to you. As that happens, it will cause huge tension in his affair. Since OW does not have benefit of this program, she will start lovebusting him, which will push him back to you.

But it all starts with understanding the basic principles, starting with lovebusters. You can read about them here: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html

Get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley. It is most bookstores or you can order it off this website with fast, cheap shipping.

Does the OW's family know about her affair? Do your H's parents know?

I am thinking how you can retract that PBL without too much harm. Has he read it yet?

Has it really been great? Have you been lovebusting him?

Ah - OK. I HAVE done this. Regardless of a Plan A (which I didn't know about). When he first left and told me in great detail everything I'd done wrong, somehow I was able to see through the pain to where he had a point. Apologized for everything, acknowledged where I hadn't met those needs (even though he never bloody told me he HAD them and insisted all our lives together that I was providing him with everything he needed), and I promised to change. I undertook to change in earnest, and committed to some intense soulwork that has been the most accelerated learning course of my life. The person with the habits that WH so railed against is GONE. Since he has left I have not engaged in any lovebusting behaviours ONCE. Honestly - not once. It hasn't just been a plan. It's who I am now.

But despite this, he still recriminates me for what I did prior to my change, when we were still together, and very patronizingly says that he can see I'm "trying" to change, but just can't "trust" that the change is permanent, or is indeed there.

So I although I don't for a second regret what I have done - after all it's all personal growth and feel blessed for it - I can't see that it's made any difference to HIM.


Yeah... so I keep hearing. It's just that he sees that shared history in an entirely different light now.


I totally understand this. I'm happy to say I haven't lambasted him. But still... she's got this whole damsel-in-distress thing going on, and she has that shoulder, and she's playing the caring, sharing, understanding role in his "grief" (that's his word, btw - "grief").


Will do.


Oh, yeah. They think her ship has come in. And it's like a homecoming too because prior to me coming along, WH was involved with her cousin for a couple of years and they became like his family too.

WH's parents know too. A whole other story there...


Yeah, he's read it. It went as an email and he's read all my emails so far. Thing is though, what you are asking me to do in the form of a Plan A is what I have been doing all along, and it hasn't worked. He has been nasty and cruel even in the face of my love, calm, warmth, friendliness, and openness. Matter of fact, although the OW might have been on the scene before he left, I would put it down to an EA at the most; I can track backwards to when their A became physical because things were going fine between the two of us and then he suddenly got NASTY. Guilt kicked in, and he behaved accordingly. Does this make sense?

No, not at all.

The one thing which I am sorry I did (and I wrote him an apology for) was when I hit one of those rock-bottom times. WH has been neglecting our S10 all along, and has in fact replace him with HER D10. The day prior to Father's Day here in this part of the world, I discovered that he was planning to spend this day not with his children, but with OW and D10. I rang him up on his cell and asked him whether this was true, and he went off at me, and hung up the phone on me. I rang him back, and he hung up again. I kinda went insane just kept ringing, and ringing - for hours. I flattened his battery.

It was stupid behaviour, but I was so distraught that night. Ringing him was the only thing stopping me from grabbing a baseball bat and going to his place and destroying everything and everyone inside it.

When I say that he baited and I bit, I mean that I stooped to discuss our relationship and my so-called abusive behaviour when he was in doppelganger mode. Even without lovebusting, I'm disagreeing, and it just gives him all the ammo he needs.

Ok, I gotcha. I understand better now. Then you should move forward. I think he is very angry and perhaps with you removed frm the situation, you will cease to be the lightening rod for his anger.

Hopefully, he will now turn that anger towards the OW with you gone. And she will not know about the dangers of lovebusting.

I am concerned about your offer to keep communications so open. [contact is contact, after all]

I would do my darnest to get those finances seperated and, set up a strict visitation and CEASE all communications. Perhaps even set up an intermediary. Every time you communicate with him, you get dragged back into this triangle and he gets the fix he needs. It also allows him to continue to use you as a lightening rod for his anger.

And I want to COMMEND you for keeping your 10 yr old away from the OW!! That was the right message to send: my child will not be exposed to your sleazy affair. WS' often use their children to 'normalize' their affairs and give it a false air of respectibility.

Is he a conflict avoider?

Dang, you sound like a good Irish sister!! lol Are we related?

Someone else said this, and I know that this has got to be. I'm just too damned convenient. I doubt he'll turn the anger towards the OW though... it'd intrude on their fantasy, and he's a clever man. Indeed, when he'd be upset on the phone to me about something, I'd tell him to take it to the OW, but I doubt he ever did!


OK, gotcha. I'll be VERY judicious about the contact. I'm in the process of getting the legals done, so hopefully it won't be too long before finances and access to S10 are sorted.


Well... I did the best I could, but not as well as I could have, as it turned out.

What happened was this: when WH told me about OW, I told him my concerns about S10, and that he wasn't to meet her. H promised me he wouldn't. I got my hopes up, a couple of months later, when WH told S10 that he'd be seeing him a lot more of him from now on, would be welcome at his apartment anytime, etc. I thought the OW was out of the picture! A couple of weeks later I find out that S10 had found out about the OW about eight weeks previous, and had indeed found out a little over a week after H promised me he wouldn't. He put it down to an "accident": OW has keys to the apartment and she JUST HAPPENED TO BE THERE when WH turned up with S10 one day. I was incensed but calm. Did you tell S10 to lie, I asked. No, WH insisted. Matter of fact, if I asked S10 if he knew about the OW, he was under strict instructions to tell me he knew. "But you MUST have told him something to make him keep this secret. What was it?" So he told me: "I told him that if you knew that he knew about OW, he wouldn't be able to see me as much." To this day I don't know why I didn't grab the nearest cleaver (we were in the kitchen when he told me this!) and chop suey'd him. But... idiot that I am, I amended the rules. I was thinking of S10, you understand, and the fact that he suffers so much from his Dad's neglect, so I amended it to, "OK, but S10 can't stay overnight when she's there."

And I ignored my gut, and my knowledge of right and wrong, until I found out that OW was invited to WH's family's Boxing Day celebrations. I felt sick about this, but could only think of how many people I'd be letting down if S10 didn't go. But eventually, after much thinking and heartbreak and tears, I decided he wouldn't. Our family celebrates Christmas Eve, and WH had weeks ago told me that he'd love to have the kids Christmas Day, seeing as he was doing nothing and would be alone. When a week before Christmas I checked with him about whether he'd be alone on Christmas day, he said, "What do you mean, 'alone'?" I said, "I mean with OW." He said, "Would that make a difference?" I said, "It'd make all the difference in the world." I told him that if she was there, S10 would not be. He would not play happy families and use our young, fragile son as a prop. This is where all the conflict lately has come from: me "changing the rules". I apologized for this, and said that I am reacting belatedly: what I SHOULD have done is come down like a ton of bricks after he broke the promise about S10 not meeting OW. So I'm back to where I was when she first appeared on the scene. The boundary is drawn in concrete now.

And oh yeah: he chose to spend Christmas and Boxing days with OW and her D10 rather than his S10.


He's not any more, but he used to be. Bigtime.

He went to the opposite extreme and is compensating for years of conflict avoiding, isn't he? And he probably blames you for holding him back. But see, I think that he is angry in general right now so hopefully, without you around, he will start directing it towards OW.

And without you being the focus, and thusly a diversion, he will begin to focus on the faults of the affair. And believe me, he will find them. In a relationship that was begun in deciet and fraud, he will find it. The focus will change.

But you will have to have lots of patience. It will not happen overnight. And probably the first reaction you will get is FURY at your Plan B. He will not like you taking over control of this situation. So be prepared to STAY DARK when he tries to lure you out of Plan B. This is an expectation, so be prepared.

Be prepared to not answer the phone and you may want to consider even changing the locks. It is hard on Plan B if the WS comes barging in. They can get a "house fix" and feel like they have control again, if allowed to come into the house when the spirit moves them.

You got it in one, that's exactly what he's doing. And he's DEFINITELY angry in general. He's narky so much of the time for no reason that I can't see but of course he couldn't take it to the OW so he took it to me. I hope that without me as an outlet she'll be the recipient. And even if she isn't... he will see that since I'm not around it can't be ME he's angry at. His situation might become clearer then.


The OW has big plans for WH, but in my heart of hearts I know this A won't last. It can't.


I've got TONS of patience. And you know... after his behaviour on Dec 24 I was left wondering what possible purpose (in the grand scheme of things) suffering his terrible onslaught could have possibly served, but now I see that if nothing else, it steeled me to do this. I WILL do this.

Thanks so much for everything. I'll continue checking in. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi - just checking in and giving a little update.

Been away with friends and fam for the NY celebrations. It was GREAT. We ate, chatted, ate, partied, ate, karaoke'd, ate, played, ate... for days! I missed WS a bit, but that's all it was: a bit.

I don't know whether WS was alone on NY, but he didn't have any of the kids with him (they were all with me) and he didn't spend it with my family, which has been the case for 21 years. D18 came home early on the train. He rang her on the 2nd to wish her a happy new year, and started crying. He cried and cried... then told her he will never love OW's little girl as much as he loves her. (((barf))) D18 was like, "Umm... yeah. Whatever. Thanks, Dad."

Yesterday on the way home, S16 gave WS a ring to let him know that we were leaving for home and gave him an ETA. Two hours later, DM rings, asking for an ETA! When S16 hangs up, he says, "Dads sends his love." I mean... WTF? What IS this? He's sending love now? Because he's lonely? Because I've removed myself from him? Or is it his way of maintaining some kind of control? You know, since this whole thing started, WS has made loving and/or friendly "come hither" moves, which somehow, according to him, I'm not meant to "interpret the wrong way" because he ISN'T coming back. And yet he does them. Frankly? It occurs to me now that they're all about him, and about control. This stupid man loves me, and it is NECESSARY for him to express his love for me, in some way; it just has to happen in a vaccuum, with it not affecting me at all, and me not raising my hopes at all, or me not pressuring him at all. Well. That's just not going to happen any more. Not because of me - after all I am free to interpret things as I will - but because of him. He will not have any more opportunities to make "come hither" moves. Ever. Unless, of course, he gets rid of the OW for good, and then I might consider paying them a gram of attention.