.

Tom,

Perhaps it's time to just admit it. You made a mistake. You married the wrong woman. It happens.

She is NOT going to change. You cannot rescue her. You cannot wake her up. She will not leave the building.

Let her go, Tom. Save yourself now.

With prayers,

PS: Believer is correct, IMO. You will find a keeper, in time.

It was. It isn't.

I gave an extremely brief update over on In Recovery a while ago. I'm going 2 hold off with further updates.

I've been observing (again, but with more clarity) the effects my frequenting this site have on my recovery. It's EASY as CAKE 2 let my assumptions and imagination 2 run rampant and conjure up all kinds of scenarios of what my W might be doing "behind my back." When I have had the chance 2 verify, though, I've consistently found my assumptions 2 be wrong. More accurate, perhaps, my W is clearly going through a painful withdrawal (e.g., triggers from stuff on TV) and she doesn't want "help" with it. And since I can't force her 2 do anything - like work with a professional - I need 2 determine whether I can remain patient while she goes through her process. When I stay away from here most of the time, I get more work done and I assume far less, so I think that's what I need 2 discipline myself 2do.

Sorry for the 'jack, Tom!

-ol' 2long

2long, I hope she makes it through withdrawal and you can get to a more fullfilling marriage and relationship.

I also would like to spend less time here, but have been unsuccessful, so far. It is an addiction. I want to get more done in my life than I have been. We'll see...

Sorry for the thread jack, TJ. It sounds like you can not trust your wife to really make a real commitment to change.
I wish it was not the case.

Aren't your kids old enough to decide with whom they would prefer living?

Aphelion,
I think I do have that rescuer mentality when it comes to women. Why is that damsel in distress thing so appealing, it is like a curse. And get this, during the first weeks after D-Day, my STBX told me she never should have married me, that she was just looking for someone to "Rescue" her and she never really loved me. (We had dated off and on for 7 years prior to marriage, during the last break up she pretty much screwed up everything in her life she could have. Guess who had the solutions?)

Back then I just wrote it off as Fog, but now ... it seems maybe she was right.

Trix,
Custody issues are the only thing we've resolved. I'd love to have the kids everyday, but my 24-hour shifts put a real wrench in that. We're working on a new support proposal for her, depends on my attny.

I have been terrible on my boundry issues. I mean I was doing good up until the false reconciliations. When that happened I started cutting her slack. Trying to help her and encourage her. She would repeatedly make me promises and then break them.

I wish I had been better on my boundries. I wish she hadn't been faking it.


2Long,
Your fired! LOL You seem to have such an inner peace I wish I could grab ahold of some of it.

Oh, yeah on this day in 1988 I proposed to my STBX.


And on a good note. Rollergirls is premiering on A&E tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />


.

Tom:

You WILL find peace. I guarantee it.

-ol' 2long

Tom,

I'll wager your boundaries were not that poorly drawn. They were probably well communicated to her also.

Remember, she lied and lied and lied. She manipulated you into believing her, and she continues to try to do so. And you loved her, which made it easy for her to make you believe her lies. (It happend to me for over 10 years.)

You now understand this about her, so you don’t need beat yourself up over it.

You should concentrate on protecting yourself, on growing anew. Put yourself and your children first.

If you don’t, 2Long is going to 2x4 you like he did me just recently.

With prayers,

Aphelion,

I thought I did communicate them well, then kept moving the line back. I reasoned with myself that it would take time, and work and understanding, I couldn't expect everything at once. The problem was, I had every right to expect and require what I did. I just wanted to believe.



You are so right there. It was easy for her, it has always been easy for her to lie to me, because I always wanted to believe. But I don't believe now, and she still has done nothing, just words.

I am so sorry for your sitch with the OW. That must be painful. Your X betrayed you and your children, and the OW attacked your family in the sleaziest way.

My own children wouldn't give the time of day to my STBX lovers. My biggest fear was that when they grew up, somehow they would think my STBX's example was OK and they would maybe cheat, or think that a marriage is a disposable institution.

Seeing my Attny next week (bringing a bundle of cash <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />) and we are going to get the studies and depositions set that we have to get done. And try to put together another offer to my STBX. We have dumped so much of our saved assests into lawyers and other crap this past 2 years it makes me sick. And she just keeps going.

The funny thing is a year ago, she said she would get rid of the computer and her phone if we would reconcile. When we started ... within a month she had a brand new computer and phone. I had a hard time believing it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> But she never keeps her word.

Sorry, I was out of town all day so I just saw your post.

Post deleted by Tom Joad

Tom:

Email one of the moderators. I once requested that an entire thread I'd posted be deleted from the forum. They may not want 2 do that, but they probably will if they agree that it could be used in such a fashion against you.

-ol' 2long

No worries, just was feeling a little uncomfortable with that out there. It probably doesn't mean a hill of beans. I don't really post anything I'm afraid for her to read, but I know I LB on here way more than I do with her.

I just don't want anything to fortify her to be more contrary than she is "normally".

Trix hope you enjoyed your trip oot.

All of you enjoy your holiday weekend as well. I have the kids so I certainly will.

Oh and BTW. GO STEELERS!

.

Well my STBX just demonstrated her mood swings again. A week ago she loved me and wanted to save our marriage. She admitted her mood swings were a problem and that she was "working" on them. She even said she would do counciling for herself.

She did nothing. Her mood swings are still dictating her life.
She is having phone and cyber sex with OM. or OMs.
This week, she is contacting OM. Ridiculing me. Sending me mean snide IM's. Inside her must be such a mess. I am so glad I didn't take her offer to move back home. She would be throwing me out again.

She sent me an email.
It said "LMAO SPYWARE." Not sure what that meant, but she has always been cryptic and vague.
She IM's me and says she read my MB post and said "quit stalking her" I haven't contacted her in any way? She is reading my posts ... who is stalking who?
When I tried (acutally kindly) to let her see if maybe she was experiencing another mood swing. She replied, "LOL, leave me alone."

I mean if you care about someone, can you just start and stop on weekly and daily basis. When her mood changes she will ask me to trust her. And won't even remember or understand what she has done.

I've asked her to keep a dairy to track her moods, maybe she doesn't realize how crazy she acts. It is like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. She is scary that way. But I'm not mad at her about it, I'm scared. I fooled myself before into thinking if I gave into her it would give her the motivation to help herself, but it did the opposite - it made her worse, and she did not get help.

She can't even recognize her problems. Or fix them. I worry about the kids.



.

Her mood swings don't sound 'normal'.

I also don't think it is healthy for your kids to be exposed to. I'd worry about your kids too. Wish they had another alternative.

It just keeps getting better Trix.

I got an email today threatening to try to get me fired if I don't give her the inheritance money I recieved from my parents.

Shows her colors everyday now.

Tom - My WH offered to let me keep my inheritance in the settlement proposal. But my parents are still ALIVE!!!!!!!

Man these WS's are foggy.

She's nutso. I am sorry that her moral compass has become so terribly compromised on so many levels. She must not have a conscience at all anymore. I don't know how she can live with herself. I still think that there is something 'wrong' with her.

It reminds me of the scene in "The Shootist" where John Wayne is dying of cancer. His old flame visits and acts all concerned about him. Wayne tells her that they should have married years ago. She tells him she wants to marry now and use his name to sell books and make money for herself. He hugs her but says no, he doesn't want any books written. And then she attacks him and calls him names, says what does he care he'll be dead and she'll still be around she needs the money.

He just looks at her with disgust and says, "to think, I loved you once." and you could see the pain on his face.

She can't stop herself Trix. It has been this way a long time. She starts in her Mr. Hyde mode, and just keeps making things more and more horrible, until she changes into Dr. Jekyll. And then she doesn't remember how horrible she was. But just like Dr. Jekyll she keeps playing with the things that made her sick. ie. OM, drugs, and poor choice of friends. She won't choose the right things.

To think ... I loved her once.





.

Believer, yes <shaking head> she says she wants to be fair. Just like she was when she threw me out of my own house and told me I couldn't take anything. I mean I had a closet and some carpet? It isn't fog Believer, it is something else.