soul...

first off your husband is having an affair...

and you need to confront that on level that is a bigger picture greater than powerstruggling the OW...

you need to confront him with the love poem and tell him that no where in a marriage is it by any stretch of the imaginiation appropriate to be writing such things to woman other than your wife...

you confront the idea that the OW who is a recent suicide needs to be protected by people like your husband who come accross as protective and helpful..but are skewing reality....which will lead her to more confusion...

the confusion is he is offering her is that married men DON'T write letters like the one he did.....

you also need to make it clear that no contact should be maintained for your marriage to be healthy since he has a history of being with her...

you tell this all factually...

and you tell him that while it is nice he says he is not leaving the marriage....that his actions speak differently and his actions say he is an adulterer...

then you must must read up about plan a with plans for plan b as well...

ARK

Soul, ark is "dead on" with her advice.

From what I read in your initial post, you have "chosen poorly" in what you have done many times and that has lead, in part, to where you are today. IF your husband is reacting to the "old you," then wouldn't you agree that the "old you" must change and become a "new you?" That is the idea behind both Plan A and in submitting your life to Christ. The two go "hand in hand" and the result of such commitment by you IS a "new you" who is NOT controlled by her emotions, but by DOING what is right before God.

The key point to what ARK was saying is that you CAN control ONLY your own behavior. You cannot manipulate or force your husband to behave as you want him to. HE has to choose for himself. BUT, one thing that you can do is to understand what Standards and Boundaries are for YOU.

He is a professed Christian, then someone who IS a solid believer can help in intervening. Just because YOU may not have been living a surrendered life to God and may have contributed to a less than "great" marital atmosphere is NO EXCUSE for him to react by sinning himself. The choice to sin is just that, as choice the individual makes...and make no mistake about it....he IS choosing to sin. For someone "studying" to be a chaplain, he is apparantly putting HIS will ahead of GOD'S will. He needs to CHOOSE. Either he IS going to put God first in his life, or he is going to turn his back on the gift that God gave him, but make no mistake about it, God KNOWS his heart and he can't "Fool God."

So, aside from you making the changes that are needed in your life regardless of whether or not you are married, you need to understand some simple things like "Emotional Needs" that Marriage Builders bases it's advice upon. If you have not read up on what Emotional Needs are and how to evaluate how they impact both yourself and your marriage, then begin reading and researching them now. READ what a "Plan A" and a "Plan B" approach are and what they are not.

Begin with Plan A because it will help both yourself and the changes you need to make in yourself, but also in SHOWING your husband a "new person" to "weigh in the balance" of his choices. Right now he is still using his memories of the "old you" to justify his wrong choices. Take away that crutch by no longer being that "old person." Start living the life of one who is believing and trusting in Christ despite what may be going on around her.

No, it is not easy. Today's situation didn't just "happen." It is the culmination of years of "bad choices" and it is going to take time to change the course of this "off course" marriage. But change will happen if it begins with you and is centered on letting God "chart the course" according to HIS will.

"I need to get out and make some friends or something. I am totally isolated and have no one here and the loneliness of this empty house at night is getting to me."

Perhaps. But not if the friends are not Christians who will uphold you in the Lord. You are NOT totally isolated. First and foremost you have the indwelling Holy Spirit if you are a believer in Christ. God has said categorically that He will never leave you nor forsake you. He is there, but a moment of prayer away, at any time of the day or night. PLUS, you have "new found friends" on MB who have gone through the same sort of nightmare you are facing. So we KNOW the feelings, all of them, and we can help not only with support for your "Feelings," but by giving you the real hope that REAL PEOPLE who were "where you are now" have gotten through it and built a better life after the devastation. It IS possible, though it might not seem like it right while you are looking up from the bottom of a seemingly bottomless pit. I, and others, are tossing you a lifeline to help pull you up and out of the pit.

For Christians, the strongest, most unbreakable lifeline IS Christ. On those darkest of days, HE is there. When you can't take another step, HE will carry you until you regain your strength, giving you HIS strength along the way.

God loves you and is waiting for you to love Him in return.
God lovess your husband and is waiting for him to love Him in return.

But God does NOT force you to choose to love Him. We each must choose for ourselves. As Joshua put it, "Choose ye this day whom ye shall serve, but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD." That is the choice that faces you and your husband TODAY. The same choice that we all have to make.

God bless.

Soul,
How are you this morning?
Can you give us an update?

Blessings

ark - ty for your input. I hadn't even considered how he might be damaging his cousin further. I bought into the idea that he was "helping" her but in truth this will bring more pain and confusion into her life, too, at some point. I know I need to bring the poem he wrote her into the light, although I am leery because I found it by snooping and he will focus on that. Oh well, it won't be the first time.

FH - I appreciate the time you put into sharing with me. I do agree that I have chosen very very poorly throughout our married life, and that I must change. I *am* changing - in many ways I am nowhere near the same person I was before. I no longer drink; I go to God and to the bible throughout every day, and find strength and solace there - where previously I would panic and cry I am able to sit still and listen and just feel comfort from God. There are many other things I have changed that contribute to a healthy, happy life rather than one lived at night, in the unhappy dark. Sometimes I do feel like I am trying to find my way without a map (and I never was very good at directions) but that is where MB has become priceless to me.

I greatly wish that I could encourage my husband to come face to face with God and examine what exactly he is choosing - not just for us and our marriage but for him and his heart and soul as well. But, I know that many people probably have wished that - after all if he were to choose God, how could he choose an affair? I understand this is not likely to happen, and I especially understand that coming from me, that sort of encouragement will hold very little weight because of my past actions and perhaps because of guilt and resentment as well. I do want to say SOMEthing to him, but he becomes very defensive and angry if I broach the word of God at all. I will continue to pray for guidance in this area and I have begged God to help me live in a way that radiates His love and peace to others.

moveforward - I am ok today. I managed to sleep several hours during the night (which is an accomplishment for me; there was a time I couldn't sleep a wink if I was alone). I got up this morning and prepared for my day in a determined and as upbeat as possible fashion.

WH came home around 11 am and has been very very nice, affectionate, and attentive. I suspect he is acting out of guilt or maybe a desire to throw me off the track. Either way, it makes it harder to sit down and have a talk with him, although I know I must and am planning to tonight. He even offered to go to the store and do some shopping with me, which is something he generally does NOT want to do, especially lately.

I made us breakfast, we went shopping, we napped for an hour or so in the afternoon (he is very tired - hmmm).

I held off on talking with him because I don't feel I have everything cohesive in my mind that I need to say. I have been praying and going over my thoughts all day, trying to get it all sorted. I think I am getting there and am going to ask him to sit with me for a few minutes tonight - although I am apprehensive; I don't want to spend tonight alone again, and I am also slightly cautious because I know his internet-fling (from last year) is in town this week (and he has called her) and I don't want him to get too angry and use it as an excuse to go see her.

But, tbh I know there is no way to get around this and that I must let him know I KNOW.

Soul,
I'm praying for you.
Have you read up on the no contact letter? If he says he wants to work on the relationship, writing that letter will be a good first step to backing that up with action.

I have, but I hold out no hope that he will say he wants to work on the relationship / cut off contact with her at this time.

In fact, atm I am feeling particularly despondent about his EVER agreeing to cut off contact with her. He is writing his application to a chaplaincy residency and in it he briefly mentioned me, then launched into a paragraph talking about how close he is to his cousin and how he knows her better than anyone else knows her, and she knows him better than anyone else knows him.

I feel despair because they have literally known each other ALL of their lives. They were babies together. They grew up together. Now, she has moved here permanently and she will ALWAYS be in his family.

I don't know where my courage and hope just went.

This is a sick relationship, even more so than typical.

If you talk to him and he refuses to go with no contact, you really need to expose to the chaplaincy residency. I doubt an adulturer would be top on their list of residents.

You really need to expose to his parents and the relative where she is staying. I am so sorry you are having to to go through this.

If I exposed to the chaplaincy program (which is through his school) I believe he would probably be kicked out; he would lose everything he wants in that arena. Thinking of doing that to him breaks my heart. Not to mention the fact that if I took so much away from him, I am pretty sure he would never forgive me.

ty for your words and prayers. I am feeling really hopeless all of a sudden. I guess it's time to do something productive, maybe that will help.

Soul,

You're reluctance/fear to expose his affair is making me worry. I wish there was an easy way to fix this, but there isn't. It must get more crazy before it gets better.

His affair will only get more involved as long it is able to hide in the darkness and secrecy that they keep it in. To them it is romantic and a fairy tale adventure. Exposure will crush this veil and make them see it for what it really is.

If he loses his chaplaincy, whose fault is that? His. You didn't have the affair, he did. Is it now your job to keep his affair a secret for him?

Don't worry about your mother-in-law getting all emotional. I exposed my wife's affair to her family. Yes they freaked out, but they also helped snap her back into reality. If she really is close to you like you say, then she could be a huge asset in fighting for your marriage.

Also, you are correct about his behaviour that morning when he came home and was all nice and happy with you. My wife did the same. It is a combination of guilt and contentness from having his affair addiction temporarily satisfied.

When you expose the affair he will possibly grow horns and spew fire from his eyeballs, but this will pass faster than you think.

Good luck.

What are these guys thinking? It boggles my mind.

I asked my WH what the groups he is a chaplain for would think about him being married and living with another woman. It didn't phase him. He sees no conflict at all. This fog stuff is really creepy.

sundog,

ty for your words. i dont know why, but when i read your last line about the horns and spewing fireballs, i smiled in spite of myself. i have been amazed at times, that even in the midst of all of this i still can find the ability to smile and find humor in life. ty for the momentary grin.

i do understand why exposure is necessary, but it is still terrifying. i can especially understand exposing to his family, but taking it all the way to his school, i am not sure about. it feels malicious to me and i dont know if i can hurt him like that. i feel like i would be betraying him. i will be praying about it.

in other news, ive managed to put what i need to say together into written out thoughts and i am going to try to talk to him soon.

does anyone else feel crazy with how incredibly fast your emotions can swing from one extreme to the other? i hate knowing that the feelings of strength and courage will periodically be replaced by despondency and a sadness that is so completely overwhelming; on the other hand, at least when i am feeling down, i know it will pass soon.

i feel like i am living with someone who has a terminal illness =(

believer -

yes, it is like the person i knew and loved is just gone and is replaced by someone who looks and sounds like him sometimes; someone with the ability to completely compartmentalize his life in order to use each part of it to bring him pleasure without regard for the feelings and hearts of others.

and tbh, without true regard for himself, too.

Believer - I guess it all depends on WHO they think is the "God" that they are representing as a "chaplain" is. But one thing is certain, it's not the God of Scripture who "condones" or "isn't fazed by" marital unfaithfulness.

It is amazing how we can fool ourselves to justify anything we want.

God bless.