I'm a Newbie, but I had to "weigh in" (so to speak) about this issue. While I realize and agree that attractiveness in a relationship is important, it's clear from you post that you are too busy making excuses for your dishonesty to see what role you have played in the situation you now find yourself in.

You didn't MEET a size 6. You met a plus-sized woman. You didn't meet someone who weighed 120 pounds. You didn't MARRY someone who weighed 120 pounds. You married someone who was larger. Why now are you complaining?

It's like buying mini-van and complaining that it's not a convertible! You knew what you were getting.

Perhaps you aren't being honest with yourself. Perhaps when you met her, you were attracted to her, but something has changed your perceptions. I have a hard time believing that ANYONE marries someone out of pity. (Although I suspect that many men (& women) use that as an excuse when things go south.)

Nagging will get you nowhere. There are a MILLION AND ONE reasons your wife may be overweight. She could have Thyroid problems, adrenal problems, depression, food allergies, the list is endless...

In my humble opinion, it would do you good to step back a bit and try to figure out why you're making so many excuses for your relationship with her. If you TRULY find her so unappealing, you need to seriously consider ending the relationship...it's not fair to her or your child to hold everyone hostage.

I too feel the need to 'weigh in" especially after this post from Symphony:


Sorry, Symphony, but there is one and only one cause. Excess weight happens when a person takes in more calories than he/she burns off. Plain and simple. This isn't rocket science. What you are talking about with depression, FOO, etc. are excuses, not causes. I've seen obese kids with obese parents lose weight and become normal-sized. My own in-laws are incredibly obese and I can tell you for certain it has everything to do with what they eat and little to do with FOO issues (my H is normal sized).

I also know a lot of people who, when they are depressed, do not eat. Ever heard of the infidelity diet?

I was a string bean during my childhood and teen years but like many, started gaining weight around my mid-20s. A few years ago I decided to do something about it (for ME) and lost 30 pounds. Now I've gained a little back over the past couple of months and today I started counting WW points again before it gets out of hand.

Okay, enough about weight.

This poster knew what he was getting into when he married his W. Dood, you have been dishonest with yourself and with your W for years, and you have no one to blame but yourself. I don't know what to say, except that changing the rules midstream like you are doing isn't one bit fair.

Maybe you could try to both work together in some sort of "shape up" campaign with the idea of improving your health? It's a perfect time of year to start it. Stop bringing crap food into the house and find some new physically active RC stuff to do, like walking or even hiking. Maybe get a large dog that requires walking every morning and evening? If you're in a cold-weather area, maybe snowsnoeing or XC skiing. This could provide multiple benefits beyond the shaping up as doing something new is often lots of fun.

But really, you got yourself into this mess by being dishonest about your feelings. As someone else said, I'd have a lot more sympathy for you if she'd been skinny when you met/M'ed and became overweight.

GBH,

Google it and educate yourself. The cause of your weight issue may be that of pure food and excersize management but for many it isn't that easy.


Possible causes of symptom: Overeating: The following medical conditions are some of the possible causes of Overeating as a symptom. There are likely to be other possible causes, so ask your doctor about your symptoms.

* Some common causes of overeating may include:
o Stress
o Boredom - people often eat when they've nothing else to do.
o Habitual overeating
o Comfort overeating
o Quitting smoking
* Eating disorders
o Bulimia
o Binge eating disorder
o Disordered eating
* Depressive disorders
o Depression
o Major depressive episode
o Major depressive disorder (type of Depressive disorders)
* Psycholical disorders that may cause overeating include:
o Borderline personality disorder
o Klein-Levin syndrome
* Hypothalamus disorder
* Excessive hunger - various disorders cause excessive hunger, such as:
o Marijuana intoxication
o Diabetes - usually if undiagnosed or poorly controlled diabetes
o Diabetic ketoacidosis
o Hypoglycemia
o Hypoglycemic attack
o Reactive hypoglycemia (type of Hypoglycemia) - overeating occurs to avoid going "down" into a hypoglycemic attack.
o Graves Disease
o Mania
o Bipolar disease - overeating and excessive appetite when in the manic phase.
o Tapeworms
* Appetite changes
* Certain medications - mainly because some medications stimulate appetite

Miserable,

I guess you got the responses that you thought you might.

For some reason, people seem to lose their collective minds when this discussion turns to weight issues . . . is it any wonder that the USA is the land of the obese.

I'll be blunt. You married a fat woman, out of pity or love or boredom . . . it doesn't really matter now. Now you wish you had chosen differently because she is still a fat woman. You have a kid now . . . you don't have any easy options at this point.

Here are a few:

1) suck it up and become resigned to be the husband of an obese woman.

2) leave and find a woman that is of healthy proportions.

3) gilt trip her into losing weight and further crush her self-esteem.

4) try to help her lose weight.

The last is really the only option that might work. It probably won't though. As many have expressed, weight loss isn't easy, especially when obesity has become a lifestyle. She won’t lose weight unless she decides that doing so is less painful than staying fat.

What is it worth to you to have your wife lose weight? Will you spring for a personal trainer for her? Are you willing to do the parenting while she is away at the fitness club for hours and hours a week? Are you willing to radically change your family's diet? Are you willing to cook healthy meals (at least occasionally) to free your wife to find the time to exercise? If all else fails are you willing to risk her health and possible life on gastric by-pass surgery . . . is it that important to you?

There are no easy options here. Part time Dad vs. husband to a fat wife. . . . I know what I would choose, but the choice is yours.

I do think it is unfair that the rules have changed . . . but that often happens in marriage. People do not stay static in a relationship and the importance of the various needs change with time. I guess what I see as being the most unfair is your resentment of her weight. She didn't come to you as a thin woman and then gain 150 lbs after marriage. She came into your life the way she is now.

I agree with you that something is going to have to change. You can't stay in a marriage where you have such distain for your spouse. I just wonder how it is going to sound to your son when you explain that his Mom is just too fat to be your wife.

Symphony,

GBH is correct (he doesn't need to be educated) in his simple assessment that excessive weight gain is caused by taking in more calories than the body burns.

You are elaborating on the reasons for this excessive caloric intake, and I agree with you that the reasons are legion.

CN....that is a great post. Well balanced, non-judgemental and practical. Miserable.....listen to da man.

CN,

In the case of addiction/compulsion I do believe the cause is as important as the effect. If there is an underlying problem that does need to be addressed before any real healing can occur. Food addictions follow the same patterns as many addictions like alcohol and drugs. The underlying cause needs to be treated before the addict is successful.

The "get off your butt and do something" is great and can be effective for alot of people. To assume that it is that easy for everyone or there isn't a real problem holding a person back is a bit silly. That's where the education bit came in.

Nice to see you BTW.

Symphony

Nice to "see" you too.

I think weight loss is very hard for most people. It is easy to just say "stop eating and exercise you lazy @#$%#." I know that that approach doesn't work at all and should probably get you a smack around the ear hole to boot if it is ever expressed that way.

I maintain my weight because I exercise a lot. I run. It takes a lot of time to do this. My wife watches the kids while I'm doing my thing and I do the same for her. If she wasn't supportive of the time my exercise takes away from the family I would be much thicker than I am. I don't think I would be successful dieting . . . I like rich food and microbrews too much.

I was trying to convey to Miserable that if having a thinner wife is so important to him . . . well that he has some obligations too. He can't just utter the words and wait for her do make all the changes. . . marriage just doesn't work that way.

I agree with you CN as usual. You had a really good post to Miserable. Hope he checks in and listens to you.

It's great that you and W have worked it out to help each other. Absolutely fab!

Symphony

This is why my dad said to my brother and I when he left my mom back when I was 10. It hurt so bad, and made no sense at all to us as kids, and so we figured it was to get away from us. To give you an update, my dad remarried twice to extremely skinny women. The first marriage (to the OW he left my mom for) ended after 10 painful years of pure misery. The second has been another 10 years of misery but he's hanging in there.

So I'm losing the 50 pounds that H says are keeping us apart. My hope is that as another poster suggested it will send a message to him that I am committed to him. I honestly don't know if the weight loss itself will change much as far as our M goes (I've bent over backwards in countless other ways and it hasn't gotten me far with him yet), but I am trying anyway. The other changes I've made have been positive for myself, anyway, and if this doesn't help my M, it will still be positive for me, too. And if it doesn't change things, at least I know I tried.

What message did you send her when she put in the effort to get down to 185 and it didn't get her anywhere in her relationship with you? That it's not worth the effort, what's the use in trying so hard for someone who gives nothing anyway. By not trying yourself this time, you are definitely sending that message again.

The MB solution would be to start with eliminating the LBs and meet her top 5 emotional needs, to show her that it is worth the effort. That there is hope for better for your M.

Wow! With some notable exceptions (and I thank you for your consideration and compassion), it looks like chapter8 was right. Armor *would* have been a good idea!

To those women who felt the need to attack me, I have a few points to make in rejoinder:

1) Read the d**n book! Don't "select out" just the parts you agree with --- need for affection, admiration, financial support, etc.

2) Read my original post. I proposed *after* she lost weight. If she had said, "I can do it.", and then didn't, your criticisms would be much better founded. Piling on the pounds after an engagement ring is on the finger *is* stereotypical.

3) I'm doing the best I can. Sometimes I've done well, other times not so well. Right now is a low point. Other than my wife, in ten years I've only spoken to two people (and that quite briefly) about this, so it tends to come out all in a rush, and with perhaps less sympathy for her than it should. I know losing weight is hard. I know I have to help, and I have tried ... but it's such a touchy subject that help is not always welcome.

4) What many have called "making excuses for your relationship" and being "dishonest" were neither. I've been completely honest. What I wrote in the initial post was, to a large extent, an answer to my own question, "how did we get here?".

5) Ladies ... after you stop sputtering at me, try to look at it this way: If I were a woman complaining that I couldn't stand the thought of making love to my husband because he never brushed his teeth, and his breath was foul, how many of you would NOT instantly agree that until and unless he took care of that situation, the jerk was just SOL and deserved NO sympathy whatever? I *have* plenty of sympathy for my wife ... what I don't have is any way to "fix" things for her.

6) Yes, I do consider her needs. In fact, I've done such a good job of meeting those needs that I *can* meet (as she has done for me) that even though we do have a HUGE problem in one area, we mostly do OK. If that were not the case, we'd have blown apart long ago. I want to fix that problem. And tho' you might not believe it, or *want* to believe it, physical attractiveness is important to most men. I'm *not* being unreasonable; she's no happier with her weight than I am.

7) I'm not "obsessed with some number on a scale", as somebody put it ... in fact I'd be surprised if the actual numbers in my first post were all accurate. It was simply a way of communicating the relative changes at various points in time.

OK, enough defense. It's painfully obvious that this is a REAL touchy subject. To all those hefty gals who have found men "who love them at whatever weight" and are "happy with their bodies", bravo! But were I you, I would give a little thought to the chance that your men are trying VERY hard to meet *your* needs, while denying their own --- BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU! The odds favor that being the case. May you beat the odds ... it's nice that somebody can, occasionally!

After I've gotten back on a more even keel, I'll have to raise this subject with my wife once again. Maybe this time we can really resolve to do something and follow through on it.

OK, enough of this; gotta get to work ...

I got this far in this post and I just about died laughing. That's one of the goofiest statements I've ever read. I'll grant you for many and perhaps most cases taking in more calories than are burned is the cause of excess weight, but saying that is the ONLY cause is so silly it's hilarious.

I'm glad that you are trying. For me, I know that is what I need. The "countless other ways" may simply not have been what your H needed/wanted, hence "not getting far" should not be a surprise.



Ah ... huh? I *married* her then! Not much higher accolade that one could give, no?

I disagree. I lost 10 pounds between when we got engaged and when we got married.

Back to your original dilemna... Have you discussed MB with your W? Does she know about POJA? I believe that it's difficult to bring up any difficiency in a marriage - whether it be telling your H that you need more financial security, or telling your W that you need more domestic support (I'm thinking domestic support as in a clean house). I found that when I sat down with my H and did the questionnaires, we were both feeling safe, and we were free to be honest. This led to a very open conversation which has improved our relationship ten-fold.

WHY??????

So if you made a list of all the good things about your wife and a list of all the negative things - the good would far out "weight" the bad???? The only thing on the negative side would be her weight??

Yes, you M her knowing she was overweight - BUT there was a time before you proposed to her that she valued you, herself and the relationship - she did it - she lost some weight..then right before the M she started gaining AGAIN..WHY????

I can attest to emotional eating or not eating - I have dear friends that when they are upset they eat and don't stop, then it becomes a pattern of overeating. I do the opposite - I don't eat. I physically can't eat. When my WH mocked me about how thin I was getting, that I looked like ****** it didn't make me want to eat - it made me eat less.

Would I marry an extrememly overweight man - NO..Because, if I met him and wasn't attracted to him - it would not have gone any further - fist date, last date. But, it sounds like you were emotionally empty at the time and her easy nature, brains, etc. filled a void for you.

I think you did right to tell her "You need her to lose weight". You were brutily honest about your needs - maybe a late - but, you told her. Your story could be worse - you could be in a full blown A and using her weight to justify your A..

But honestly, if she did get down to 150 - 160 do you think the "lust" "love" would return??

Glad I could provide you with some entertainment, MOS.

Okay, how about if I use Symphony's own word? Overeating?

Overeating is what causes people to gain weight. Plain and simple. Eat more than you burn off and the pounds pile on.

Now I will grant you that there are hundreds of reasons why people overeat. They include, but are not limited to, stress, mental illness, depression, busy lifestyles (where "fast food" becomes a dietary staple), you name it. I have also seen people lose weight because of all those issues. We all react to stress/illness/life's challenges in different ways.

As one who has family members who are morbidly obese, I am sick to death of people blaming their obesity on everything but the obvious.

I think CN has it pegged here - the best that Miserable can do is to try and help his W get into shape (note I'm not saying lose weight here but that will clearly be part of it). I had NO help from my H in my weight loss efforts. He continues to bring bad food into the house and his idea of a healthy meal is a big slab of red meat and potatoes smothered in butter because that's what his mother fed him. I can't rely on him to fix healthy meals so I have to do it myself.

BTW, exercise alone didn't do squat for me; I had to count points and boy was that an eye opener. You can nickel and dime yourself into great girth if you don't pay attention!

The problem with threads like this is that they become one side defending, and trying to convince the the other side.

Lose/lose.

(That might be a pun, considering the topic <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />)

MH, you used brushing teeth as an example of something women would not tolerate. That isn't the same thing AT ALL. If you had wieght issues, you'd understand that. There are women on here who want attractive, slim H's too. You don't need to reach for unrealistic examples.

While it's true that there are many reasons for overweight, the underlying cause for many is the addiction factor. And like an alcoholic, they need to have a plan and take things one day at a time.

If you're that miserable, and you can't imagine loving her IF SHE NEVER CHANGED FROM THIS DAY FORWARD, then what do you think will happen? Will you change your needs? Divorce her? Continue being dishonest and pretend?

Defending yourself here isn't going to help your problem. Making a plan, will. What is your plan?

Hey miserable,

Why don't you call Dr. Harley and see what he suggests would be the best way to go about the sich. He's the pro. It's a good investment in your future and you may have a good shot at saving your marriage and being happy.

Symphony

ROFL. That's even funnier!


That last sentence is certainly true, but saying that's the ONLY cause as you did before is utterly goofy.


No kidding -- it's amazing how easy that is.

For my scientific oriented mind, I am wondering what the other causes for weight gain might be, other than "calories in" > "calories out". Is there another phenomenon taking place that you would care to explain to me? I am at a loss as to what it could be.

I understand that there countless reasons as to why someone's calorie intake or burn rate might be high or low, but you seem to disagree with the statement that weight gain occurs as a result of one being greater than the other, and I am curious as to how that might occur.

AGG