He wants to come see DD tomorrow before his trip, Do I legally have to be gere with DD??He says if I am not here then he will take her away from me... What do I do. He has been verbally abusing me for the past hour and i don't won't to be here tomorrow ... what do I do??

Do you have time to call your lawyer for advice on that before he leaves for the trip?

No you do not have to be there. I am an attorney and you looking out for your own safety and safety of child can in no way be used against you. Do not believe ANYTHING he says.

In fact, he's probably hoping you won't be home so he can add that to his rationalizations and justifications for having an affair just before he takes off with her. He can also play a victim card. That is not to say you shouldn't do it. You are better off avoiding him tomorrow than having another confrontation. Arrange the details with Believer off-line to get the complete, undeniable goods on him in California. Meanwhile, you focus on you when he's gone.

Listen to Lady above, disconnect the phone and get some sleep.

Mr. Wondering

No I don't have tome does anyone here know what right I have to not be here when h comes to see DD??? I am not by any menas trying to take her away from him, I just want him to know that he can't F around with me anymore.

He was so verbally abusive this evening -I should have him put in jail...

Seriouslu, I am not sure if I should be there (here) or not... Should I let him see her or shoudl I avoid it???

Advice on this one??? He said he would take her away from me if I even tried it... I don't know what my rights are right now -

Help!!

Quick question...remind me...

Do you have a court order visitation agreement?

Do you have some legal separation agreement wherein he is granted specific custody and specific time?

If not...you have absolutely no legal obligation to let him see his child, upon demand. If he disagrees with your decision tell him to have his attorney call your attorney. You don't have to fight about it...he left the marital home and surrender custody to you. You are in charge until he gets an order otherwise...lots of luck to him on that one.

Mr. Wondering

You also posted over my previous post...perhaps you missed it...I am an attorney.

W

Alison,

I've been following the post, but haven't commented yet.

I would say you are letting him have too much control over you with his empty crazy threats. If it were me, I would be gone with DD ALL DAY tomorrow & maybe overnight (do you have a friend or relative you can stay with for the day & night). Avoid him altogether until you can get your emotions in check. HE'S DOING THIS ON PURPOSE & IT'S WORKING. He wants to rattle you & you are letting him. You've done so well when you were the cool cucumber. Find that cucumber & be the cucumber. Stop letting him CONTROL you. He is intimidating you on purpose to get you to back down from exposure (or he realized your empty threat about telling his work & feels that he is in control now). He also doesn't want to deal with a cool cucumber because it makes him feel OUT OF CONTROL!

You are easily falling into his trap. What you need to think is you are in a game (sick & twisted I know). You need to have your game face on in all aspects with him. What you do after the game for the day ends (cry, scream into your pillow, etc) is all fine, but he must not see this. GAME FACE! He's got his on & because you did so well the other night, he has upped the ante. Don't you see that? He is making the game harder for you to play - that' why you need your cool cucumber game face.

But, tomorrow, get away from be able to be reached at all. And while you're away, PLEASE PLEASE expose his affair to his company. I know you've heard it over & over, but it's gut wrenching to watch. If you are done with him, it shouldn't matter to you & you should expose & let the chips fall where they may. But, if you are not exposing, it is because you aren't done & you still care about him & love him & want him to keep his job. While admirable for being so kind to your WH & OW, I cannot for the life of me understand it. I personally wouldn't have a second thought, exposure would be easy for me because HE CREATED THIS SITUATION FOR HIMSELF. YOUR EXPOSURE DOESN'T HURT HIS JOB, HIS AFFAIR DOES. Remember he is the one that damaged the marriage, his job, his integrity, etc. YOUR exposure is only the light on it, it is not doing any damage.

BE STRONG! BE BOLD! Get your emotions in check & get back in the game!!!

We do have LSA and it has "flexable" visitation rights based on our schedules... Should I be here or can I not be here.

I am scared if i am not here that he will resent me even more...

What to do?? According to the agreement he gets 4 hours a week and then the weekends...

1. He's already had his 4 hours....PERIOD.

2. You are the primary and you call the shots...you have every right to disappear tomorrow. What's he gonna do...call and emergency court session to get his 4 hours...come on.

3. He's already had his 4 hours this week.

He might even be thinking he can drive you nuts so he can live out this fantasy of getting 50/50 custody or full custody. But that is not to worry about tonight and Waywards are usually far to preoccupied with their addiction to plot effectively.

Mr. W

p.s.- I guarantee there will be NO legal ramnification if you disappear tomorrow. Make certain who ever you visit knows that you "fear" your husband and his yelling and screaming so you are taking a mental holiday from the situation. The court is made up of Judges who are human beings. This will not be held against you. Your WH is lying.

This is what I'm talking about - you are letting him control you & the situation. If you are not there, he might be mad, but he'll get over it & YOU'LL AVOID MORE LB'S. He won't resent you if you win this game & he ends up coming home to his beautiful family. Would a drug addict resent those who helped them come clean & get their life on track? NO, in fact, they love those people more. So, imagine HOW MUCH MORE he will love you if you help him get off this drug & out of the fog? If you follow the MB plan, you can help him & he will LOVE YOU MORE for fighting for him.

My FWH now tells me that he sees I love him more than any other person on earth because I helped him become the man he is today & he is so greatful for it.

For the love of your DD, do it for her so she can have a wonderful loving family.

You said he is to get the weekends....is that every weekend???? Isn't he leaving town???

Mr. W

Is this supposed to be his weekend? If so, was he planning on just spending a few hours with child then giving her back and taking off on business trip?

What exactly does he want and what does separation agreement entitle him to.

W

Well, alot going on here while I was sleeping! First, with regard to his visiting today befor his trip - call is mommy and tell her what happened last night and ask her to come over ASAP to be there WITH YOU when he gets there. If she is not close by or cannot come, call someone else, anyone else. Just have someone else there with you. He's not going to carry on if someone else is there WITH YOU, but you are in the other room.

Also, if your legal separation agreement says you have custody and he has visitation, he cannot legally take her with him if it is in volation of that visitation order. With as broadly as you have written it, I think you can just tell him via phone that today is not convenient for you and he will have to schedule another day and time. As Mr. W said, what's he going to do, get an emergency hearing before a judge to force you to let him see DD before he leaves - NOT. This joker doesn't even have an attorney, how's he going to get a hearing that fast?

Now, the thought of him saying he will take her with him if you are not there has me laughing my butt off - this guy is gong on a business trip - a business trip with OW. He honestly wants you to believe he's going to take DD with him? Empty threat. Who's going to watch her while he's in his meetings? WAIT, then again, if he takes DD, he won't be able to go on his little trip....maybe that's the answer - JUST KIDDING!!!

Regards,

BB

Alison -

Have a good day today! Relax, get some things done and let all thoughts of your WH go. Can't change what's happening right now. But find some joy in today!!

WE go to marriage counseling today - keeps your fingers crossed (or say a prayer). I just want it to be a productive appt.

Blessings - Jan

My 50 cents:

First, so sorry for all the histrionics. He's definitely trying to get a rise out of you, and take control back. Also, he's definitely getting all this b***sh** from the ow.

I would say to be there this morning - if you can your mother in law/father in law, or a friend to be there with you. There will be no drama thewm. And, if by some strange chance there is, there will be a witness.

If you cannot stand that thought - of seeing him - then call him off, tell him whatever, but he cannot come over.

If you are going to Plan B, then read up on it really well. Get an intermediary to transmit information on DD.

And, please, please expose to his company. I believe that his behavior last night was driven, in part, by the knowledge that you did not expose, and his thinking you were weakening.

Alison,

Regarding exposure to WH's company. Today would be a very good day to do that as they are all going to be together this weekend. A call today will put them under a microscope by management!

Regards,

BB

2 x 4 time! WHY on EARTH would you let him do that? Your phone has an off button. I'm assigning you the following homework: Practice hanging up! Roleplay with a girlfriend if you need to. Have her start being rude and say "I won't tolerate this." Then hang up until you get comfortable with doing so.

I'll rephrase what you said. "I let him verbally abuse me for an hour. I showed him that this behavior is acceptable by listening to it." It doesn't matter whether you just passively listened or argued passionately. You stayed with it for a whole hour.

You can choose whether to protect yourself from his chaos or to absorb it. Which do you want to do?

Dobie

Hi, Allison... sorry you had to go through all the drama last night. One thing you should definitely keep in mind... I don't know how it is in your state, but where I live, arguing, etc could be considered abuse of a minor if DD is around. Is there anything in the LSA about harassment or violating each others' "peace of mind?" You might want to ask your attorney about that, just in case. Maybe it could work to your advantage, if WH continues his madness and cruel treatment of you/DD. Everything he does to you, he does to your DD.

Please remember that even if DD can't understand what you and WH are saying, she can pick up on the tension, bad feelings, etc.

I speak from experience. Even though I have never raised my voice or cursed in front of her, my WH claims that I start arguments and put DD in the middle of things. I hear now that my WH is going to try to bait me into an argument and secretly tape record it to try to use against me. Be careful, and think of your DD when your WH starts in. Be that cucumber!

(((Allison))) I'm so sorry this is moving so fast for you. It sounds very similar to my situation. Just know you aren't alone! And no matter what, try to enjoy your DD. She will give you a lot of joy and keep you going. I know mine has for me.

Try to remember that this WS who is being so abusive is not the man you married. His brain is poisoned right now.

If a neurologist sat you down and told you your H had brain cancer, you would not take H's behavior seriously. You would understand it was the tumor talking.

Well, sad to say, but there is a cancer in your H's brain, only it's not called astrocytoma, or gleioblastoma; it's called Traci.

Only you can heal your H. It's up to you.

And your DD is counting on you, because no matter what happens with your marriage, H is her father, and he will get some form of visitation.

Step back, refuse any abusive behavior, tell H you will be happy to talk about reconcillation only; and then only when NC is in place. I know there are some here who argue against ultimatums, but IMO you have to take a stand. It is what finally worked for me. "Me or her, you choose". That's what I finally told my FWH. He chose. Here we are.