Hi #1mom,

As someone once said, Men are dogs. I can't believe that he would do this without protection, knowing that I was pregnant, risking my and his child's life in the process. They just don't think. They don't want the condom to get in the way...it doesn't feel right, whatever the excuse. And I know for sure that he did have sex with her and then with me, maybe not the same day/night, but the next one. That is gross!! It disgusts me!

No, my H does not talk about his feelings. He has tried to be more open but all he really says is that he is sorry and he loves me and the kids and he kind of gets this sad look on his face. He says that actions speak louder than words for him and he can't express everything he feels, he has to show me. I am like you though, I want him to be so romantic and mushy and down on one knee, begging to be forgiven, etc. I have come to realize that is a bit of a fantasy, but that I have a high need for affection and admiration, so hopefully he will work on that when he sees my answers. I would guess that your H is similar--he wants to show you by what he does that he loves you, but they forget that we want to hear it. We want the card that is sent for no reason at all. They don't think of it that way.

I know what you mean about feeling sad today too. It can be a good day, relatively, and something will happen to get you in that depressed mood. I posted above that I was in the bathroom crying one night after he went to sleep. I also try not to cry in front of him because he has said the same thing as your H and he thinks I am trying to make him feel guilty. Want to hear something really stupid/funny that I KNOW you will relate to? This prompted a huge fight between us on Christmas weekend.

There is a tv show (cartoon for adults) on Fox called The Family Guy. I happen to not really like this show as it is kind of stupid, but it has funny moments too. In case you are not familiar w/ it, it's about a mother, father, two teenagers, a baby who is smart and talks (I think he is the only funny part of the show) and a dog that talks. Well on this episode, they thought the father had died, and the mother married the dog (see what I mean about it being stupid??!). But then the father came back and the dog was at work and the dog called home, and the wife and the father (her husband) were having sex in the bedroom. So the dog says "How could she do this to me? I trusted her completely. How could she betray me?" My husband looks at me and I have tears streaming down my face (silently). He says "it's a stupid tv show, what's your problem? It's a dog!". I say,"But he said exactly what I said when I found out."

He gets madder, we have a fight and he goes out. He comes back and we talk. His point of view was that he was trying to enjoy the show, didn't think twice about the situation being that it was a dog, you know. He thought I was trying to make him feel guilty. I said, all I really wanted from you was a hug to let me know it was okay how I was feeling. He said, If I had known that, I would have hugged you.

Just another illustration of how men and women are so different. We had a great day and then that happens. It happened because I was holding everything in for so long.

#1m, You have to let it out sometimes. If today is the day to be sad, so be it. But you have to consciously decide NOT to wallow in it. We all have our good days and bad days. I'm going to quote an email my friend sent to me (when I was telling her that I was getting caught up in the details). It was not on MB but may help you to try to let these thoughts go, and have a better day later today, or tomorrow.

"As for the thoughts regarding the details of his affair, how could they not be compelling thoughts/questions. But here are my 2 cents: acknowledge that you have these thoughts and feelings and then put them on the backburner until you can discuss them with a therapist. Such thoughts are compelling the same way drug addiction is compelling. If you keep thinking them you will reinforce a deleterious habit that will only suck you into an addict's vicious repetition compulsion cycle. Your emotions will spiral out of control and this condition will render you non-functional. I am not suggesting that you ignore these issues, I am however suggesting that these issues that provoke such angst are better dealt with someone who can be there for you and help you work through them and not have the issues work through you.

Choose to handle this consciously. You take control over your thoughts and not the other way around. If you are having negative thoughts, be a compassionate friend to yourself and discipline yourself then to think of something else. You see, here's the trick: you can't control your emotions, but you can control your thoughts which produce emotions. Consciously choose to deflect negativity and welcome in the positive. This is obviously more easily said than done, but if you start taking baby steps to this end, it will be easier. This is one of the basic premises of meditation - to choose to deflect or to reflect, but always done consciously, always to be in the present moment.

What is done is done. You can't step into the past to change it. The only place you have to affect change is in the present. That is all there is. And if that means to face your angst, thoughts and emotions about the past and to grieve and endure it in the here and now then so be it, but don't slip back into the past where you indulge yourself to perpetuate and languish in anger, jealousy and inadequacy. If you're looking at the past, try to step out of yourself and look at it from above the ground the way God or your angel might view it so that you can give yourself some greater perspective.

Know that you are not alone. I understand your feelings. I feel the burning intensity of them. You will live through this and you will come out stronger if that is what you choose, but really, is there any other choice?"

Now, I don't know if you (me too) need to see a therapist to get the details out of our heads, but we can choose to not think about things so that we can avoid spiraling into a depression. It has been suggested to go on anti-depressents but I haven't because I am breastfeeding my daughter. I think it may be worth considering although I have no experience in this area. My H is on ADs and he says they do help.

I hope that helps. It helped me atlthough I still have a tough time with it. This stuff hits without warning, I know.

Take care,
Mamafish

To all of us struggling with thoughts of the OW during SF,
go to the Recovery forum and read the thread called " Why oral really counts " by Penaltybox. Very enlightening, but disturbing at the same time....

Hey mamafish,

Just read your posts.Thank you.I am doing a little better this afternoon.I hope it lasts thru the night.I want to have a great weekend.

See any song t.v. show,movie or just anything haveing to do with cheating,infedility my H will change right away.Not only for me but for him also.This helps.My H is really having a hard time with what he did.

In Feb of 04 both of ue were on anti-ds for a few months.We ran out and did'nt have ins for a while.So we never went back on.I think i'm fine with out them.He thinks i should have them at times.I told him i have to take many meds for my arthrisis that i don't need anymore.He just wants me to be well he tells me.He says both him and the kids need me.He says i need to do it for me.

Your right its in the past.I can't change it.All i can do is move on.

I am not here on the weekends either.So i will hope to hear from you on Monday.

Have a great weekend i hope you get thru some of the MB stuff.See you on Monday

Don't forget to SMILE
#1mom

Hey, you too, have a GREAT weekend!!

(As for changing tv shows, he has done that a few times when an A has come up, but in this particular show I mentioned, it happened so fast that it caught me offguard completely. Other shows we have watched did not bother me. For example, we watched The Wedding Singer, which you would think would bother me when Drew Barrymore's fiancee was cheating on her. It didn't bother me. I didn't laugh at it and I know he felt a bit uncomfortable after the Family guy thing, but it was ok.)

I'm trying to move on too...it is a daily struggle...I understand how you feel. When you feel like that, try to do something w/ the kids and focus on them. That is what I try to do and it helps most of the time. I ask my kids for hugs all the time and they ALWAYS give them to me. Sometimes my daughter will hug me for no reason and it makes me feel so good. This is what adults have to get back to...true UNCONDITIONAL love...

Enjoy your weekend!

Mamafish

Hey Mamafish,

How are you this morning?So far so good my way.And your weekend?Mine,triggerafter trigger.I finally went to the dr's after being sick for two weeks.I was told i either had pnamonia or bronchitis.(Sorry bad speller)So i was put on more meds.I do fel a whole lot better today.

Anyway i'm sick i come home and lie down.What does my H do clean clean clean.The whole house.Makes dinner,does dishes.You think i would be happy.No instead i cry.Cry because i can't do it.Hes taking care of me.I'm not use to this.I did everything myself for yrs.Even when i was sick.

Now hes been doing this since day one.proving himself to me.Why am i still so sad.I have this guy that wants to take care of me and his family now.We come first.Why can't i let the past go.It don't matter now does it?

Why do i still want to bring up questions?This person is out of our lives.She lives about twenty mins away.I doubt we will ever see her again.

He is sorry,he told me again this weekend.He says he sorry i have to go thru this when i am sick,he sorry he did it.He looked me in the eyes and said you have to believe that I LOVE YOU.I will do anything for you.

Do you think that in order for us to be kind-of happy we need to hear that there sorry all the time.I think that is my problem.Maybe i want him to contunie to say hes sorry,even thro hes proven over and over again that he is.Maybe i don't want him to forget the evil he brought into this family.I know for us to hael totally that he has to move on to,that i need to stop reminding him hes was a bad person,and focus on the new him.HOW?

Sorry to ramble on.I missed this web site this weekend.I did come here but really nothing was going on.Did you work on you questions?I told my H maybe we can do them again and see were we fit in this time.

Do you two still work different hrs to were your not home at the same time.I remember you saying he works graveyard.This has to be hard.

Well i have to call the drs and get more results,since the dr from the weekend was from ungent care.I will be back shortly.

#1mom

Hi there #1,

Sorry to hear that you are sick, but at least now you know why and got some medicine to help you to feel better. You need to take care and LET your H take care of YOU for a change. I know that it's hard to do when you are so used to taking care of everyone else. You have to force yourself to do it so you will get well.

You asked some good questions about us wanting/needing to hear I'm sorry all the time. I can identify with it. I think that is part of the problem (yours and mine), and that your H does have to move on also. It sounds like he has been very supportive of you and did alot this weekend for you to show his commitment to you and the family. I think that it will just take time on your part, but I also think that you need to focus on what he is doing now, and not on what he did in the past. One thread I read, and I think this is from the one I tried to find on friday, said to say when you get like this, "Who am I married to right now?" and try to give your H all the love you can and be happy. You cannot let the bitterness and sadness take over your life any more. Believe me, I know that it is easier said than done. I am not the best person to be giving advice as I find that I am not doing too well in my own life. But that's the funny thing--sometimes you can give good advice but it's hard to take it to apply to yourself.

So, I will tell you that you really really need to let it go. You say that maybe you don't want to forget, and I think that is part of the problem. I feel the same way. But I don't think that they will ever forget, just like we won't ever forget. I don't have any suggestions on HOW to do it since I haven't done it yet, and I'm much further away than you are. Just take it one day at a time. Just focus on the things he is doing now. As I'm sure that you have heard before, when God closes one door, He opens a window. Maybe the A had to happen in order to bring you and your H closer and to make your marriage stronger than ever. Your H sounds like a good man, and he seems to have proven his commitment. You are risking driving him away from you if you continue to make him pay for his A after all this time. Think about it, is there anything that he can do to make it easier for you that he has not already done? If you can think of something, tell him what it is and then maybe you can move on. As you read through this board, you see some people say that the WS never said they were sorry, so that's what they want to hear; some WSs stay with the OP so when they finally have NC, that is what the BS wants. This is not the case with you , so what is it? Is there anything that he can do ? I say, just from what you've posted, that maybe it is the renewal of vows and the new wedding rings. Maybe you are holding out for that, and that you feel that once you have done that, you will be okay. If that is it, then tell him. Maybe that will push him on to the point where he is ready to do it.

Another thing may be that you see that he has not forgiven himself yet. I think that he may never forgive himself for the pain he has caused. I think that you are also drawing out the process for him to forgive himself, by continuing to make him feel guilty about it. I don't know, it's a hard thing to figure out.

In answer to your questions, no we did not do our questionnaire and had a big fight this morning as a result. I just cancelled our MC appt for tonight but kept the one for next Monday. He kept saying that we would sit down and read the MB stuff but we never did. We were tired and kind of lazy this weekend so I didn't push him on it. I wanted him to pick the stuff up because I feel like I'm the one who is always talking about it, and I wanted him to do it. But he didn't, so there you go...another weekend and we didn't do anything about it.

He is not working now, so we are together most of the time when I am not working. He had to leave the casino due to the OW. So he has been looking for a job. He says that he doesn't miss working there at all, or the hours. It was a very stressful place to work and he calls it Sin City because of it, it is a different world and that contributed to the A because it was so different than the real world. The whole mentality of it. We miss the benefits, but we don't miss the graveshift hours or the stress, and he doesn't miss her either. She still works there. There is another casino near this one, and I have asked him if he should apply there, but he has put off doing so. I think that it would be best if he doesn't work at a casino again, because of what it cost us as a couple/family.

We had a huge fight this morning where we both started bringing up the past=-lots of LBs and I mentioned the OW of course, how could I not, I started the whole thing up again. I said that he hasn't even read any of the stuff I gave him and that he is not making any effort to change or to work on the M. He said that I haven't tried either. I got mad at this because I have read it all, and have been trying to meet as much of his needs as I can, etc. and have not brought up the A, and I said well you said the only reason you cheated was because you weren't getting enough sex, and we have been doing alot of that lately, but you haven't done your part to work on yourself and make me feel like you are committed and that you know what you want. He said that he knows what he wants and that is his family, that she didn't mean anything to him. We just got into a big fight but then I had to leave for work and I basically told him that she had taken it all away from him and that I was done, couldn't take it anymore. I feel like this sometimes but I don't really think that we are done. But I realized on the drive in, that she didn't take it all away from him, he risked it all for her, in my view, and he gave it up for her. He risked it all to be with her. I just get the feeling that there was more to the A than just sex. He has said he was emotionally involved due to all her problems and he felt like she needed him. (He didn't think I needed him, because I was trying to be Ms. Independent and holding down the fort while he was working--boy did that backfire!).

My H is very stubborn and has always been the dominant one and he can be very critical of me, if things aren't done his way. I told him that I am not the same person I was and he is trying to just keep things the way they were pre-A. I think that I want him on his hands and knees begging and pleading with me in order for me to feel that he is truly committed. I doubt that he will ever do that though.

I feel better now that I have written this all down to you. I hope that I helped you a bit and gave you a little bit of advice that you can use. It's good to vent here to people that can identify with what you are going through. I feel alot better than I did when I came in. I know that I also should count my blessings that he did not actually leave us for the OW, when he could have. But it's hard when it doesn't seem like he does enough to show me.

Hope you are feeling better. Will check in later. Sorry this was so long, I really needed to talk to you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I missed the website this weekend too.

Mamafish,

We have to remember they did this to us.We did not ask for it.BY them being here shows that they do want there marriage to work.Like you said we held down the fort.As much as we needed there help we pretended like we did'nt.That was our mistake.We should of let them know we needed them,that we wanted there help.

The place my H did work at was un healthy too.Nothing but flirting and dirty talk.This took part in it to.He went back to his old job,that he knew he would'nt go far in.This job people look up to him.Expect things from him.No time to mess up.

Maybe you can call your H on lunch,tell him your sorryabout the fight you had. Yes sometimes we have to say it first.Tell him if he don't want to answewr those questions if maybe when the baby goes down for a nap.That maybe he can just write down what he wishes you would do.Things you can change.Tell him you will do the same.Many this MB stuff is just to much.Maybe he don't like this web site.Maybe he has a different approach.See i'm not one for advice either.

Another thing we did for us was to make time for family.Doing fun things,going for long drives.I know yours are still rather young,but this might help.Maybe you just need time together alone.Is that possible.It took us tweleve yrs to go away alone,it was only two nights,but i cryed the whole way home.We missed out on so much never getting away.Now we will do it at least once a yr.Still getting babysitters for a night here and there.

You have to go to the recovery board.There is a post that reads.Time to get off the fence.Something like that.It has some good advice.Tells us BS we could loose if we stay on that fence to long.I think its time for me o come down.Read it let me know what you think.

I do ask myself why do i want to bring up the past,it's in the past leave it.Move one.You can be happy.Why can't i let it go.If this dumb A did'nt happen we would still be living like roomates that had sex,with no way of knowing we were actully in love.Pretty sad huh.I wish it would go away.Let us wake up and there would be no more thoughts,just happiness.Sorry to ramble again.

Hey any word from harmonie.

#1mom

Hi #1Mom,

haven't heard from Harmonie--maybe her back is still hurting her?

I will read that post you mention and let you know what I think.

Well, I was going to call him and say I'm sorry, but he did it first. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> He said he would make dinner and put the tv on for the kids and get the MB stuff all ready to go. So I guess something worked! That was a big step for him so I am appreciating it right now. The thing is, we would have fights and say mean things, as we all do from time to time. But now, after the A, it's like we crossed a boundary of "if I can stay with you after this, we will be together forever", at least in my mind, and I think in his also. And the other part says, "why am I putting up with this crap still after everything we've been through?" That's why I can't sit back if he is not going to do MB or another type of counseling.

How old are your kids? I know they're in school. Our oldest is in Kindergarten (1/2 day) so H is taking him to the playground today as the weather is pretty mild (45 or so).

I never knew how much flirting was going on when he was at work because I never went there, even on his days off. At my office job, there is NO flirting or anything remotely like that, due to all the sexual harassment laws.

Let's try to make a resolution for 2006 to try to leave it in the past. Go to this website www.changeyourlifechallenge.com when you have a chance. YOu can sign up for a Good morning email which is always very motivating for me. I write down the message each day. They are always reallly good. This is one I liked "Never let yesterday use up too much of today " and " I let go of that past and present so I may experience Happiness now".

In one respect, I am thankful for the A because it was a wakeup call for our marriage. Ask yourself, are you happier now than you were a year ago? I asked myself this question and the answer was difficult. On one hand, yes, I was happier then because I was clueless about the A (which hadn't started yet) but I was miserable because my H and I were fighting, living like roommates only without sex, etc. Now, am I happier, yes, because I have HOPE that there is something better, that something good can come out of the disaster that was the past year of my life. I am happier because I feel that we have found each other and he did wake up to what is truly important.

Think about how you were living pre-A and how you are living now. Just from what you have written, I would take a guess and say that you are Happy, you just have your bad moments/days, like anybody else...your challenge is to allow yourself to be happy and let go of the sadness and not let it ruin the rest of your life....

Gotta go but will be back later.

Mamafish,

Your right about that.I am so much happier more than ever.I wished something else would of kicked us in the butt before this A did.

I think after reading that post in recovery,i am going to change the way i live day by day.I believe i should live for that day only.Not go back to yesterday,not bring myself to far into the furture.Live for that moment.

I am happy he called you first,did you get to pick what you wanted for dinner?Are you having a late dinner?My kids are 12 thats my son and 7 thats my daughter.Great kids.Thats another thing he now gives me credit for the way they turned out.He knows it was me all these yrs who made all their decisions,did all the homework,did all the shcool things.He gave me so much credit.Well i want to say i wished he did before,but what i will say now is i'm glad he gives me credit now.If only i could use this for every situration.

Back to you.Might sound wired but maybe you can pick up some flowers or something.I wanted to buy my H roses for so long and felt dumb.One day i got him one single rose.He liked it.Another thing that helps was cards.I bought cards for the longest time.Maybe you can write down things you think you might forget but need to talk about.I do this all the time,and i would forget certain things.You'd think after a while i would write things down.

Just remember hes there because he wants to be.He wants you he wants his family.He just has to learn how to take back everything he could of lost.What he can do to make things better.Now is he home all day with the kids?

I'll be back.
#1mom

Hi there,

He's looking for a job now so he's not taking care of the two girls (they are in daycare) but our son gets out of school at noon, so he has him for the afternoon. If he has an interview or appointment, he goes to daycare. He enjoys being with the kids. Actually the week in betw. Christmas and New Years, he did stay w/ the kids all week because daycare and school were closed, and I had to work a few days. He did appreciate all the work I do then. That was also when they were all sick and he was bringing them to the dr's. and all that.

Like you said, I know he is trying to show me, just like your H is. We are lucky that they made the decision to stay with us. I can't read posts anymore about the ones who have left their families for the OP--too close to home. I can't take myself down that road. He also gives me credit for the kids, and gives me compliments in directly when people say nice things about them. I'm glad that your H is also giving you credit for this very important job that you did with your kids. That is great that they are so good. Ours are good, I"'m looking forward to when they are old enough to not need constant supervision! The H's didn't realize how hard it was until now. He didn't want to interfere in how I did things because he thought I had it all under control. Truth is, I was completely overwhelmed but trying to show him how I could do it all, because that's what I thought I had to do (superwoman syndrome, I guess).

I like your idea about the flowers and the cards. I think I will do that. I love cards, and although he is not very mushy with the cards (only on special occasions, not just out of the blue), when he does give me one, he takes the time to make it a meaningful one. He doesn't pick out the first one he finds. I'm going to stop before I pick the girls up from daycare and get a card and a rose.

No, I didn't pick the dinner. One thing about him is that he is an excellent cook. I missed out when he was not home cooking. He always cooks from scratch. When he was working/during the A, we lived on hot dogs, frozen pizza, etc. I can cook, but blame it on a lack of planning/time, coming home from work at 6 to hungry kids, and no idea what to cook for dinner. For a long time, he would cook and I would clean up the kitchen. Then it got that I would cook and clean up. Now it's more like, he cooks and we trade off on the cleanup. Much better!

I'm glad that you are going to live in the present, and I am going to try to do this too. I didn't read that post yet. I will post this, and then read that one and come back to you.

# 1 Mom,

Just lost a very long response to you on this.....jeez I hate it when that happens!


Because he never understood that there is no such thing as no-strings-attached sex when one or both parties are married. OW had an agenda for probably more than a year before the A started. Once she was divorced, she began to suggest to FWH that they have SF. He says that initially, he resisted, but she eventually convinced him that it would be something he could do without having it affect other aspects of his life. He thought that because she lived 3000 miles away, their business travel liaisons would never interfere with our marriage. He soon learned that with her constant demands for more and more contact and surprise visits the distance was not nearly enough.



Except that he eventually realized that she didn't care a bit about what he did or didn't want. Once the A started, she immediately claimed undying love, began to make a plan for the rest of their lives, and kept pushing him to leave me. Over a period of only a few months, she became more and more desparate to keep the affair going as he tried to end it. She used hysterics, threats of suicide, threats of exposure to me and FWH's family, claims of pregnancy despite them using two forms of BC. I guess that I am fortunate that OW LB'd him so severely that he reached a point long before the A ended where he never wanted to see or hear from her again. So really, he feels like he didn't lose a friend at all, because she really wasn't one to begin with.



The toughest 25 months, 7 days of my life....but whose counting!


I don't know that I am in any way qualified to give advice, but I have learned that before I could even began recovery, I had to accept that the affair happened and nothing FWH or I could do to change that. For over a year, I think I believed that he had to somehow magically make it all go away....undo his actions. While if he could, he would, but that is not possible.


Sometimes yes. I still get triggers and sometimes I wonder what my life would be like today if I had just ended my marriage rather than going thru all of this. When talking about recovery, I now prefer to refer to us as recovering rather than as recovered. FWH's infidelity is in the past, but there will always be a scar left behind from the deep, painful wound to our marriage. Just like any injury, sometimes it will ache and remind us of how we got the wound.


I have found that each of us has our own timetable and that for me at least I am better to not establish any schedule for recovering. It still hurts, sometimes the pain is tremendous. It is not, however that horrible pain that was so intense that I used to feel like I was going to explode. After all of this time I think I have reached the point where I can look the pain in the face and acknowledge that it is there and move around it.

FWH and my marriage is better for having had this experience. We understand each others EM's and work hard to fulfill them. We understand what was lacking in our marriage that left us vulnerable to infidelity.

These are lessons I wish we could have learned some other way without all of the pain, but learn them we did. I always thought that infidelity would have most certainly ended my marriage. Well, it didn't and we have worked hard, but sadly, sometimes I still look at FWH and think "he is just another Cheating Husband." I used to think he was perfect, now I know neither one of us is.

#1mom,

That post about getting off the fence is right on! I know that you can do it...you have gotten through a whole year of rebuilding and your marriage is stronger than ever. I too wish we learned these lessons on our own, but I don't think we would have. I asked my H what was wrong, told him that I felt like I didn't have a husband, that he was leading a double life, that I would go to counseling, would do anything. He denied it all and refused to consider counseling. Friends of his told him to go to MC. His view was that they didn't know what they were talking about. Of course, from his point of view, he had it all for a brief shining moment...

I am sure that you can get to the point where WhoMe is, where it is not taking up so much space in your head, so that you can have a fulfilling marriage. If nothing else, I hope that you and your H will not take each other for granted and will continue on the path you are on, into a promising future.

WhoMe,

Thanks for your words of wisdom and for giving us hope that the pain will fade away. For me, I know that the pain of recovery is worth the price that I will have to pay for a fulfilling marriage. I cannnot live with the alternative. The OW has taken so much from me and my H, that I refuse to give her the satisfaction that I have left him as a result of it. As long as I know that we are both committed to the M, I feel that I can weather the long road. I also would have thought that the A would end my marriage, but reading the MB board and books has helped me to learn more than I ever wanted to know about infidelity and the reasons why it happens. Every day I hear coworkers complain about their spouses and I want to educate them on the importance of meeting EN's, avoiding LBs, but it is a wasted effort unless you can truly understand how devastating an A is. Until you have been through it, you can never know.

Mamafish,

Hey,maybe get two roses.I acully like taking time out to find just the right card.I could be there for hrs.Some could say just the right things and then one line will make you put it back.

My H is not the cook.Now he will help then help with the cleaning.When i do doshes he wants to dry them.Sometimes i say hey theres just a few.He says more time to spend with you.

I know what you mean hearing other people complain about their M.If only they knew what we now know.

I can't wait till tonite,i think i'm going to tell my H that i'm going to start living for us.That the past is in the past.Yes i will have sad days,but i will not let them consume my days any longer.

I hope your dinner goes as planned.

WhoMe,
Thanks foe writing back.I know everyone will have there own timeline.I just don't want this to consume me any longer.He made a mistake,hes sorry,he has done everything in his power to make up for this horrible mistake.I think it's time i give him that,and move on.We can and will be happy.I seen it I felt it.I am the one holding back.NO longer will this eat at me.It is our life why let the other women think you might live the rest of your life in sadness.

#1mom

I'm with you, number1Mom, we have to take back our lives and our minds. We know that the OW has moved on for sure. We cannot hold back any longer. I'm not there yet, but I really feel that you are....good luck with your H tonight.

I love cards also and know what you mean about putting one back because of one line. I had a hard time at Christmas because alot of them had "to my loving husband" on the front and that definitely did not describe him in my eyes! I found one that said what I wanted (basically that I didn't want to spend my life with anyone else).

Let your H help w/ the dishes==that's really sweet how he said more time w/ you.

I hope dinner goes well too.. It's not going to be all candlelight or anything. But I think it will be good since we are both in a receptive frame of mind. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. I also want to tell him that I do need questions answered but I am not going anywhere and that I am committed, but I want honesty. If he knows I'm not leaving, and won't blow up at him, maybe he will be more willing to discuss the topic.

Mamafish,

Good luck tonite,enjoy yourself.I hope you come away with the answers you need to move on.Remember try not to push to hard.I know we think we need to know everything that happened.Do we really.Just knowing they did it,I wished was enough for me.I wished he'd told me from the begining.I think that was my fault.I kept saying that a PA was worse than a EA.I really did'nt know much about A at the time.So of course thinking having sex was worse.Now knowing about them,i am glad it was about the sex.I am glad when i found out,that we connected in such a way that he was able to ignore her from the begining.

By the way how did you find out about your H A.Me a few days before x-mas i found a reciept for a 5 dollar bear.It was left on his dresser.Sometimes makes me wonder if he did it knowingly but not knowingly.He also bought a watch.A totally of 25 dollars he spent on her.He denied the watch for a month see i found that reciept too.He said it was'nt his.Then i found the plastic price to that watch.He denied it again.We got home he brusted into tears and admitted it.Begging me not to leave over a watch.Thats when we had the whole talk about PA and EA.so i think i scared him into telling me.I still wished i knew everything from day one.I hate that it dragged out over five months.

Well i have to make dinner.Again have a great night.Talk to you in the morning.

#1mom

My H denied everything, and I mean everything, that I mentioned/asked about for the whole time. He would never admit to it at all--called me crazy, that the hormones from the pregnancy were making me nuts. I found a receipt to see Star Wars, when I asked him, he said, oh I told you that a bunch of us went to see it. When I said no you didn't, he said, yes I did, you just don't remember. You were at work and then would say exactly when he supposedly told me .

Well, he never did tell me to my face. He called me on the phone one month after it was over. He and the OW had a fight in Sept and she went to the casino's Employee Assistance Program and claimed that he had sexually assaulted her. He ended up getting suspended for a few days (and so did she actually) and there was an investigation into it. When this happened, he had to tell me why he was suspended, so that's when he told me. He said that the fight was because he had told her it was Over, for real, and she was mad that he wasn't spending time w/ her. She told her that she would get him back and make him pay for what he did to her. He was afraid that she would contact me and tell me that he had done this to her. He had no choice but to tell me. If he had a choice, he would not have told me anything, that was how he intended to end it, with me never knowing anything about it. It's crazy but the fact that they had a relationship worked in his favor. His name/reputation was splattered all over the place. But he ended up resigning so he would not have to deal with the humiliation/etc. Everyone knew him as a family man, and even though many people did not believe her, she was spreading alot of lies about him. I am just thankful that he no longer works there. I could not handle knowing he was there and so was she. Although after what she did to him, he would never get w/ her again.

Have a good night too. I'll try not to push--one step at a time..

Good morning #1mom,

Just wanted to drop in a quick note to let you know that we did our EN questionnaires last night as planned and had a really nice evening. I read him a little about the Love Bank and meeting ENs and then we answered the qts separately. He suggested that we take an hour nightly to do this so we don't get overwhelmed, so we will discuss and review the answers tonight. I think that will be a good move to not try to do too much all at once.

How is your day going so far? I will check in later this afternoon as I have a busy morning here at work...

Good Morning,
With no kids today.I thought i lay in bed and get some rest.Did'nt work.My mind started going back.I don't want that so i'm going to some stores.Then i will meet my H for lunch.

Glad things went well last night.Take things slow.You know hes not going anywhere.

I'll be back later.

Hey Harmonie if your reaDing we miss you.

#1mom

Good for you, #1,

You recognized where your thoughts were taking you today, and you refused to go there. Good job, I'm proud of you for getting out of the house. And good idea to meet H for lunch--a nice bonus there, time for just the two of you. I hope it goes well and puts you back into your positive frame of mind. You took the first step==you started to go back but then were able to get yourself out of that mindset.

I hope you are having the nice mild sunny weather (in the high 40s) that we are having (not sure how far north you are). I may go out for a walk at lunch w/ a coworker==we did that yesterday and it was nice to get some fresh air. It is nice to see the sun!

Take care!

Mamafish,

Well i'm back.I went to walmart and put some stuff on layaway.I had a great lunch.We had my favorite pizza.We thought it was later than it was so he went back to work.When i got home there was a message saying he owned me eight minutes.I think i would like a back masagge.Sounds good don't it.

It's in the 40's here to.I hope to not see anymore snow.Fat chance.I'm in upstate new york.So we do get our share of snow.

Right now i'm watching days of our lives.I don't know if you watch soaps.I have for ever.This one is my favorite.It's sad right now.It's had me in tears for days.

So are you ready to go over the questions tonite?I hope you get the answers you need.I hope when he finds out what you need he will do everything in his power to fill those needs.

Talk to you later.I have clothes to fold.
#1mom