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#1553532 01/04/06 08:44 AM
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(((MAW64)))

On another thread you said “Off track here from lordslady - how did you finally turn yourself around.. I mean I look at me and I have been well lost for awhile - not sure what direction to go into to make myself happy... Though I unlike lordslady - know that while a man may be a quick fix it isn't going to truly help me - I need to find the happy in me - probably why I am stuck....”””

WOW, what a question, let me start with a quick explanation I’ve posted on the boards before:

I believe that it is widely accepted that one will go through and must go through a natural healing process after the loss of a spouse whether it be due to death or divorce. Add to that the outside circumstances surrounding the loss, whether it be infidelity or abuse or whatever, and there truly can be a lot of external issues to deal with before dealing with all the internal issues surrounding the loss.

Below, I believe you’ll find the standard accepted model of the grieving process:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Steps 4 and 5 are where I’m going to place my emphasis. I believe that completing steps 4 and 5 are instrumental in having a successful relationship and moving on with life. Let’s look at them individually for just a moment:

4. Depression. This is the hopeless phase where anger, betrayal, resentments, and grief dwell. People my focus their grief inward and begin hating themselves, they may drink or do drugs as a means to cope. Or what I find more likely is that they date and engage in casual sex in an attempt to feel “normal” again.

5. Acceptance. This is when healing is completing, you notice that I didn’t say it was complete. In very humble opinion Step 5 is an action step. This is where one let’s go of the anger and bitterness towards others, as well as any towards themselves. This is where we have forgiveness.

Well after my separation and divorce, I went through stages 1, 2, and 3 fairly quickly but got stuck in stage 4. It’s kind of funny because many books recommend waiting 1 year for every 5 years of marriage before you date so that you can heal, well pretty much like clock work it took me about 9 months to fully experience stages 1-3 and I was stuck in stage 4 for a little over 2 years, so the math from them experts was just about right.

So how did I truly move past that is a bit of a touchy subject but I’ll give you the reader’s digest version, if you’d truly like a full explanation, my wife and I have an e-mail account set up off the boards together billyandtara05@yahoo.com Anywho, after being stuck for a long time I was at an emotional bottom in my life. I truly knew that I couldn’t keep going in the direction I was going. My spirituality was fading. A chain of events came to a head one morning and I made the choice to change. To accomplish that I examined my entire life up to that point. I let go of anything, truly anything, that I was holding onto from the past. Some of this was baggage I had carried around since childhood. So when I was able to remove all of my resentments, I was able to move on. For me it was necessarily about grieving a divorce but more about grieving life and the divorce was just another symptom. Then stages 4 & 5 pretty much went hand and hand.

Now during this period, I tried to find happiness in many ways including dating. I’m so so so so glad it didn’t work. I look at my ability to attract and whom I was eyeing back then and it truly is an indicator of where I was. Well, as if a reward for turning my life around, within 6 months of true emotional recovery and health, I met my now wife. Had I met her before, I would of thought her out of my league so to speak. But through my healing I gained self-acceptance, self-esteem, and confidence.

Now today, I still have to focus on things on a daily basis. Each day I look at how I did and how I interacted and am I resentful for an event that happened. If I did poorly or am resentful, I take steps to deal with that immediately, for if I don’t I can end up stuck once again.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
LostHusband #1553533 01/04/06 10:41 AM
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Ok well I would say I am stuck in the depression stage... Just going through day to day - with no particular joy...I don't think I really care that I am not with "my husband" anymore - but I guess you could say the events leading up to my divorce the h*ll I was put through afterwards and the way that he has chosen to have a limited part in my daughters lives really puts me in a state if you will.. I couldn't even contemplate dating because I for one know that I would probably be just like lordslady - hanging on for dear life - trying to find someone to fix me... if you will.. I did date someone after my ex but he was basically more screwed up than me - and I just sort of let him walk all over me and use me because I was so wanting attention - any kind of attention... I guess the way to describe me is lost... Not sure what my true purpose is.. I have two kids and I have basically since this happened - which I found out in October 2001 - didn't know it was the lady who lives next door to me in April of 2002 - needless to say I was divorced in September of 2002 - but never really accepted that they were together and let him go until oh about - January of 2004...basically lived for them... answering to their every need and I am not complaining... Now for instance if he came begging at my door to come back tomorrow it would be a definate get lost... And I never talk to him much - well because there is really NO NEED - he probably sees my girls for all of about 4 hours per month - which is by his choice.. My girls are doing great they are 12 and 15 but they only have me - so I devote all of my time to them and basically most times think I use them as the excuse to not have a life...

I just recently got a new therapist and she has been trying to help me get through this - but I am like stuck on what do I want to do - who am I - what makes me happy.. And you know I have no idea.... Would a man make me happy - oh well probably but not the answer - that is why I get so frustrated at Lordslady - but I just keep thinking - why - ??
So here I am single just turned 41 - and lost in my life - I have been a wife and mother for so long I don't know how to be anything else...and I dont' know how to trust anyone again... And I know most of your story with your past with the addictions and everything... Though I don't really go to that extreme... I tend to shut myself off from people... I did though just recently get a parttime job for extra money - well actually 10 months now and that has gotten me out in the world - but it is still safe you know??? So actually I am a little curious about your mother Was she bitter for a long time??? Because that is how most people think of me as bitter....

I cannot get them to understand I am not really hanging on to "him" anymore just the life that I had planned out ...You know???


Trying to Let myself find a life after four years of being divorced - Great at the mom thing.. Just not good at the "ME" thing....
maw64 #1553534 01/04/06 11:21 AM
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“””Ok well I would say I am stuck in the depression stage...”””

I think this is very common, I mean VERY common but I also believe that many people refuse to see it, rather they mask it and go on with life. And I’m not just talking about a divorce here, I’m talking about all resentments that we carry through life that weigh us down, our relationship with our parents, dating relationships, and on and on and on. Another thing that helped me was when I started looking at my resentments with a totally open mind and radical honesty, it was amazing how much resentment I help towards myself. Even if someone caused me pain, sure I may have resented them but I also resented myself for not taking a different course of action. Anyway, that builds up situation after situation, year after year until one chooses to do something about it.

“””I don't think I really care that I am not with "my husband" anymore - but I guess you could say the events leading up to my divorce the h*ll I was put through afterwards and the way that he has chosen to have a limited part in my daughters lives really puts me in a state if you will..”””

I can totally relate to that. I was over my marriage actually quite quickly. Heck I realized that my marriage was a mirage. But as with you, the residue of life and events surrounding the divorce stuck around. The divorce in fact was the thing that triggered all these things that I was masking through marriage. Take away marriage and I was left with me with nothing to mask my thoughts or feelings and I didn’t like that nor did I react well to that. However, that is were the growth and healing started. And it continued on with drive and determination. It took me being open-minded and honest and willing to try something different and to try to live life a different way. I don’t know if it works for everyone but it works for me.

“””I did date someone after my ex but he was basically more screwed up than me - and I just sort of let him walk all over me and use me because I was so wanting attention - any kind of attention...”””

Again, I can relate to that and the only thing I can say is that you should be grateful that you had the vision to remove yourself from that situation.

“””My girls are doing great they are 12 and 15 but they only have me - so I devote all of my time to them and basically most times think I use them as the excuse to not have a life...”””

AWESOME, about the girls doing great. I understand about hiding behind them.

”””I have been a wife and mother for so long I don't know how to be anything else...”””

I said those exact words, well not exactly, I actually said father and husband….lol…

“””and I dont' know how to trust anyone again...”””

For me, I wasn’t able to do that until I was able to wipe the whole slate clean. What I mean by that is when I let go of any and all resentments and dealt with all the issues in my life.

“””I tend to shut myself off from people...”””

I had that tendency. Heck, I could be alone in a room full of people, I wouldn’t let anyone in. Now, I seek out people and surround myself by people. People living a life similar to mine and one that I want. I also believe strongly in mentoring, so I try to help people. This serves multiple purposes, the greatest of which is to remind me where I was.

“””So actually I am a little curious about your mother Was she bitter for a long time??? Because that is how most people think of me as bitter....”””

I’ll tell you when she stops….. My mother is not a good model for recovery. She has cut a life to live with things but not move past or deal with them. She has the knowledge, she has the tools, but lacks the desire.

”””I cannot get them to understand I am not really hanging on to "him" anymore just the life that I had planned out ...You know???”””

Yes, I do understand that. To me, personal recovery on the road to mental health, is an action that has to be sparked from a desire. There are programs all around, all kinds of books, therapy, and on and on and on, but if one likes the desire in their heart to make a change, even if you’re not sure yet what that change is, then no change will occur.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
LostHusband #1553535 01/04/06 11:59 AM
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Bill,

I actually have a friends mom - who got divorced from her dad when we were in high school 22 years ago - he married his secretary and they are still together.... but the mother has never moved on -- never done anything with her life... She is who I do not want to be.... So I really don't want to be that bitter person.... I mean I don't think I have forgiven him - I am not sure I ever really will - I mean we didn't even fight - I thought we were the best of friends - then he went off and did this and rewrote the entire history of our 18 years together - it would really make you wonder how any children were born from our marriage... My new therapist is really taking different approaches - she thinks I am just sort of detached and you know she maybe right...

I have read tons of books on codependency and boundaries - I am a "take care of people" type of person - always wanting to do everything for everyone and never wanting or expecting anything in return... Which is sometimes a great quality and other times also my worst quality...

My relationship wiht my family is rather - wierd - I get along great with one sister - but she gets along with no one else - so therefore my other sister and brother have sort of bunched me with her.... No one in my family is really very good at communicating.. I am usually the one who talks therefore I am always considered the trouble maker because I shake it up.... My parents never talk about anything - it is a wonder they have been married for 46 years.... Happy or not... I think they are the type that just got married and that was what you were suppose to do and you stayed married - nice catholic people you know??? So I am sure I have issues with them.. All of my family thinks that me going to therapy is wierd.... They ask what does it do - not sure but I know it is doing something - that is why I continue on...

And so as for my desire - it is truly there - I just need to get on that path and figure out exactly how to clean my slate.... I guess forgiveness and acceptance of what has become of my life... And I also need to get over fact that this did happen and it is ok - I will be able to move on and actually be happier than I was before...Like alot of people are - I guess I am just looking for that defining moment - or that one sentence that someone says to me so I can so - Oh that is it.. That is what and why I need to fix myself and be happy... something has to click sooner rather than later...


Trying to Let myself find a life after four years of being divorced - Great at the mom thing.. Just not good at the "ME" thing....
maw64 #1553536 01/04/06 02:03 PM
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“””I guess I am just looking for that defining moment - or that one sentence that someone says to me so I can so - Oh that is it..”””

I searched for that as well and never found it. What I did come to realize is that I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that there was more, thus I sought after it and believe that I found it through actions.

“””And so as for my desire - it is truly there - I just need to get on that path and figure out exactly how to clean my slate....”””

Well, I pray that through therapy that you are able to do that. To me, that’s what therapy is about. In the beginning you are telling a human being your story, not so that they can cure you but so you can see it through different and trusted eyes. Sure they offer advice but the biggest thing they do, in my humble opinion, is open your eyes to what is right in front of your face. Once you see it, you can deal with it.

“””I guess forgiveness and acceptance of what has become of my life... And I also need to get over fact that this did happen and it is ok - I will be able to move on and actually be happier than I was before...”””

Change the ‘I Guess’ to ‘I Desire’, make a plan and get ‘er done…..


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
LostHusband #1553537 01/04/06 02:11 PM
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Spoken like a true southern gentleman I am thinking...

get'er done... or Dr. Phil.... But thanks... I am going to change the guess to desire and go forth and hopefully choose the correct path... I think it is gonna just be about me now - and what I want and need to make me a truly better person - and of course mother... because I know my kids know that I am not all that happy and that must be hard on them to some degree - so OK... upward on onward - Wish me Luck...


Trying to Let myself find a life after four years of being divorced - Great at the mom thing.. Just not good at the "ME" thing....
maw64 #1553538 01/04/06 02:27 PM
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Quote
Spoken like a true southern gentleman I am thinking...

Are you calling me a REDneck? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />Well, I must admit that I consider my neck well tanned and proud of it....

Quote
I know my kids know that I am not all that happy and that must be hard on them to some degree - so OK... upward on onward - Wish me Luck...

I believe you are right, thus you now have the motivation. Them young ones desire and deserve to have ALL of momma... Best of luck to you and just like the book of James reminds us "Faith without works is Dead" so "Talk without action is nothing".... It sounds as if you are taking action and I applaud you for that and if'n you ever need a good old fashioned, 2x4 swinging, butt whoopin', reality check, just hollar and I'll be more than happy to do so....

Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
LostHusband #1553539 01/04/06 02:31 PM
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I didn't call you a redneck - it just is that I am well from Massachusetts and we are more the Yankee type... you know??? lol.. but ok I will keep in mind when I need that 2x4... thanks for caring...


Trying to Let myself find a life after four years of being divorced - Great at the mom thing.. Just not good at the "ME" thing....
maw64 #1553540 01/05/06 11:53 AM
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Hi LH!
I am another "lost one". I'm lost somewhere in the stages, and can't seem to find my way out! I've been divorced almost 3 years, and have done the dating thing to try to find some normalcy.....by they way I am also raising 3 teenagers alone...the oldest just started college. I am a devoted Christian, but have lost a lot of the joy I once had. I am trying to have faith that one day my life will get better, but honestly, I want it to get better now!!! I don't want to wait to be happy. And, I am also stuck in the "only a new relationship" will make me happy phase. I'm so ready for some joy and peace this year, and am just at a loss as to how to get to it. MAW, you and I have emailed through these months and years. I am SO tired of my WHOLE life being colored by my divorce, and would just like to see an end to it!!!!!!
KK


Me, 49
Divorced 3-13-03
son 21, daughter 18, daughter 16
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new
thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland” (Isa. 43:18, 19).

kk2002 #1553541 01/05/06 12:31 PM
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((KK))

“””I'm so ready for some joy and peace this year, and am just at a loss as to how to get to it.”””

Well I can only offer what worked for me which in my opinion was ultimately a rewarding though painful experience. I came to believe that my divorce and where my life had come to was just another notch in a long succession of unfinished grieving processes and held onto resentments. Basically what I’m saying is there was a lot of unfinished business in my heart and in my head. Though I’m quite sure many people can and do plod through life holding all of this unfinished business as I’m sure I could have, however, all of that stuff was not letting me be who I could be.

So how does one go about reconciling all these old hurts? Well what worked for me was to start from the beginning. I basically wrote down in a sentence or two any bad memory that I had, any resentment I held, who I held that resentment for (if you read my earlier post you’ll see that a lot of these were held to myself), and went on from beginning until present day. When I was finished there were quite a few pages, if I remember correctly, there were like 50. I truly believe that I left no stone unturned and admit at that moment, holding those pages, I felt extremely burdened because I could see in black and white everything the ‘I’ carried so needlessly.

I then sat down with a Clergy and read through the list with him. Many items on that list were things never heard by any other human ears. After going through the entire list with many tears we prayed. We prayed for God to take these burdens from me because I was now willing to give them all to Him. We prayed that in cases that were caused by my defects of character such as anger, that He would take that defect of character from me because I was now willing to give it to Him. We then took that list and burned it together and embraced. I will say that I never felt so light in my life, I swear he had to hold me down because without those burdens on my shoulders I thought I was going to float away. Granted this was tough, partially because I had to do it for 34 years of life, but it was definitely rewarding. Today, I do pretty much the same thing but I do it on a daily basis, it’s a deliberate action to keep me from going back to where I was.


Hugz, Thoughtz, & Prayerz

Bill
LostHusband #1553542 01/05/06 01:47 PM
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Thanks for replying, Bill. I know I probably have so many frustrations and resentments built up over these many years. I have tried to give it all to God....i guess like you and MAW have been saying, it's a readiness thing. I need to be tired of being "sick and tired". I need to get this latest depressive episode taken care of, as I feel myself slowly sinking down again. I'm going back to the dr. to see about my meds, and I have an appt. with a new therapist. I'm ready for a change!


Me, 49
Divorced 3-13-03
son 21, daughter 18, daughter 16
“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new
thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland” (Isa. 43:18, 19).

kk2002 #1553543 01/05/06 01:54 PM
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Kay - Hi - I think the new therapist might be the trick.... I mean my new therapist I love her - she listened to what I had been through then it isn't about that anymore - It is about me and trying to make me a better person about my support system and all about me... Trying to build my self esteem - or basically lack thereof -trying to make me find some happiness.... something for me.... you know.... I hope I am on the right track... or I want to be on the right track... it is all trial and error.......


Trying to Let myself find a life after four years of being divorced - Great at the mom thing.. Just not good at the "ME" thing....

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