nelly,

I urge you to call

1-800-SUICIDE

just to talk to someone that can help you or guide you to the appropriate resource.

Please, call now.

I have been reading all of your messages and really appreciate you all just taking your time to talk to me.I have been depressed before but have never felt like this, it seems i have jumped to a new level thats hard for me to steer clear of, my mind feels its not my own. When i went to my own place i expected some peace. I havnt had any for so long now. It seems getting back together is just as painful as parting when he kisses me iam thinking of him kissing her which he says he did out of kindness before he left. Then i know how he felt as well all those years ago. I CAN SEE WHER THE SAYING COMES FROM "WHAT COMES AROUND GOES AROUND" ijust cant see us both in the same light anymore and it scares me.

I have had depression before and it can be an overwhelming feeling, but you need to know there is HOPE. Justus provided a good suggestion to call 1-800-784-2433 and talk to the people there. They can guide you to resources that can help or even find immediate help for you.

Nelly there is nothing in life that can't be fixed, except maybe humpty dumpty. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Just know we care and we would like you to call someone who also cares.

I am in the frame of mind that i am a nuisance to people.Even to myself.

You might want to ask your doctor for some anti-depressants. Actually they say that recovery is the hardest part. But there are lots of people who have ended up with much better marriages. That is what you should desire, not the old marriage, but a wonderful marriage.

My own gp asked me if it was a "moment of madness" and i said it was only now i seem to be having too many moments.I never want the old marriage back but how can i know that in 1 month or 1 year i wont be faced with accusations or even that i wont do it to him because i am doing that now.

Nelly, don't touch your hair, okay?

Please, get on the phone with the Suicide Hot Line. Also, please see a psychiatrist (not just a counselor) ASAP. I'm neither psychiatrist or counselor, but I am concerned with what you are telling us you are feeling.

The urge to cut off your hair? A very bad sign. I know a woman who used to do that periodically.

I am in therapy with a psychiatrist, so my urging is not a criticism or a negative thing. I also thought about suicide when things were at their worst with my STBXH. I also said and acted in ways nobody who knew me well would have predicted. In short, I was crazed by my H's infidelity and cruelty.

Glad you are posting.

you have all kept me occupied. thankyou

Hi Nelly,
I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Believe me, I know the feelings well. As someone told you in another post you are so precious to the one who created you.

I am thinking you might not be in the US? If so, that number may not work for you. I am sure there must be one where you do live.

Please, right now, call the doctor that treated you. Tell him it was not a moment of madness. Tell him you need to be seen by a psychiatrist (sp) right now. Tell him it is an emergency and you need to be seen.

Even checking yourself into a hospital might be wise if you can't get the dr to do this.

We will all be here for you, but we are not professionals. Many of us have walked where you walk, but we can not give you what a professional can.

I am praying for you as I know others are.

You can learn to deal with his accusations. Also once you start the program here, they should cease. Your feelings will change over time. Right now it is fresh and very hurtful. Later you will have a better marriage, and will look back with forgiveness.

Nelly,
Just wondered how you are doing.

please post an update

I am ok went to have marriage guidance yesterday with hubby was feeling relatively strong up until that point but after spent hours arguing generally me doing the accusing now though. I have things in my head that i am worrying about, but he tells me not to worry as nothing happened and was never going to and that it was just that he was scared i would never return. He said he was not on this planet and knows it was the wrong thing to do. Its awful of me to accuse him and not believe him when i did a similar thing years ago and expected him to take my word for it. I am very tired, not having had a proper sleep now for some weeks, i feel calm though and i think it has done me some good just writing to you all and spitting out all this bad feeling. I have just had a message telling me he loves me and i just hope that in time messages like that will make my heart skip a beat again. I DO HOPE AND PRAY NOTHING ELSE REARS ITS UGLY HEAD TO SET ME OFF AGAIN. Things keep popping into my mind and i burst into tears i feel i can cope with that. The pain i feel is hard to bare. nelly.

Hi Nellie!! Good to hear from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You better not ever scare us again like that...ya hear! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I'm glad to hear your H came to his senses, and didn't do what he or you thought he would do. I know it's not easy.

Faith, hope and love. The greatest of these is love.

Lady

Hi Nelly, I'm glad you are doing a little better today. You know you always can come here to vent and have people listen.

I would also suggest if you feeling better trying to make a plan about what you should do. Have you seen your doctor about your depression yet? Also, I would talk to some close friends to see if they would be available the next time to just come and sit with you. I have a few close friend that would do that for me. I'm sure if you ask you have some to that would be willing to sit with you during troubled times.

Nelly

Glad you are back posting and doing better. Lady is right and so is AskMe. We are all glad you are ok. Talk to a doctor and insist on some help. If need be, print your thread and carry it with you for a doctor to read if you can't talk about it. We care about you here.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{nelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I think creating a plan is an excellent idea, AskMe.

Nelly, it is a first step in finding your way out of this mess. Your plan could include things like dealing with depression, as AskMe pointed out. It could also include educating yourself on key issues. Have you read Surviving An Affair, or His Needs/Her Needs?

There is enough great reading material out there to keep you busy for quite some time, and learning new coping skills and behaviors and educating yourself on why all of this happened and what you can do to ensure it never happens again is something that will greatly benefit you.

Nelly,
thanks so much for updating. We were worried about you. A plan will be a good idea. It gives you something to focus. Try breaking the plan into babysteps. When the 'thing' is so big you can'd do it all at one time, you just have to break it down.

I agree that you really do need to see your doctor about the depression. Many of us are on medicie for that and some of us will probably be on it for a very long time.

I am so glad you sound a little better today.

blessings

Hello everyone, i am at home with everyone now and later will be going back to my place. I really want to have just one nights good sleep with no upsets so am trying very hard not to think of the events that led me here to you all. I dont care what anyone says it has really helped doing this, i really could have done with you on the night though, but you wouldnt have liked me at all. I AM SERIOUS TOO, DID NOT EVER THINK I WAS CAPABLE OF FALLING SO LOW. The pure insanity that i have been feeling over the last few weeks has been heartbreaking. You must have all been there too , for i realise this pain is not exclusive to me. I am stil very weepy and sad.Thankyou moveforward,frozen, waitinon love, askme and ladysheep and whoever else for your kind support.

nelly good luck and check back in. God Loves you and many others do too. Don't give up. You are an important person in this world.

WOL

It took some doing but i have made an appointment for the GP i go on Thursday.I seem to be coping but the last few days have been having really bad dizzy spells and cant get out of bed, not sure what it is but its strange. I am being looked after, and he is being exceptionally good and nice. I on the other hand am liable to ruin all that by saying exactly what i am thinking.I had years of accusations and its not nice especially when you havnt done anything and i kind of feel and know i am doing wrong but cant stop. Its like i want to know everything down to the last detail.Is this normal?and does anyone know where i can get a zip attached to my mouth?nelly