Oh...and one more thing...CALM DOWN!!!!!!!

This is just the same as it was when you confronted her about the affair the first time...the difference is now she's got no more option to continue the affair in secrecy because you refuse to let her know HOW you know. Bluntly, if she didn't go through any withdrawl before when the affair ended, that's because she didn't end the affair.

She's angry now because she's no longer going to be able to 'cake-eat'. She is busted and she can't cover her tracks this time because she doesn't know what tracks you followed.

Has this affair been exposed to her family, OM's family, etc? You need to take active measures now to make it clear to her that you're working to protect your marriage. Again...CALM DOWN. You did nothing wrong here...this is what SHE has done.

October,

I know that things seemed rosey yesterday, but that is part of false recovery...you don't want that...take Owl's advice about talking to her...remember that you are dealing with an addict here, she see's you coming between she and her crack pipe, so to speak, and that is where the venom is coming from. You did the right thing...it gets worse before it can truly get better. We're Here...

Mrs. W

Of course she said all of these things. She is involved in a dark and evil lifestyle. One that cannot handle living in the light of the truth. When you try to shine the light on it she becomes a rabid, cornered animal. She is saying exactly the things nearly every WS says. Don't believe me? Go read this board. Time after time. It's so predictable. It's called transferrance. She is taking her guilt and sickness and trying to make you wear it because she can't handle the knowledge that she's the kind of person that deep down she hates.

Don't lose your senses. Now is not the time for that. If you get really bent out of shape I'll give you my ph #. Just put on your seatbelt and keep your hands in the car. This is a roller coaster you're on.

It's gonna be OK.

Thanks for all your posts October I am learning from them. My w gets very mad when I ask about contact too. She is very loving and caring until I bring up the "tough" issues or latest snoop observations. Seems like this is one of those predictable patterns when they are in the "fog".

October,

My wife has done this to me several times when I confront her with snoop details. It takes her several days to calm down. She really digs in about how she can't trust me because I am not being honest with her about how I know. Hang in there, the people here are giving you the right advice.

October,

I feel like this too. And like you I feel like I am LB when I confront her. But as I follow the advice given to me on this forum it seems like the dynamics are changing in the A and that this is working.

Hang in there, I have a lot of ups and downs too. And I am still snooping, and I am still confronting. And I feel lousy a lot of days.

Here is an update on my situation. She e-mailed me yesterday saying it was over and she was moving out. She said that in about 10 cruel and crazy e-mails. I did not go home after work. I figured, if she is going to move out, let her. I went to a pub with a friend, had a few beers, and had a sandwich. My wife usually gets home around 6:00. I drove by our house at 7:30 and she was still there. I continued driving to the book store, where I stayed for about an hour. Then I sat in my car for a while. I returned home at 9:00 and she was still there.

I went in the house and saw she was running around and packing. We did not say a word to each other. I headed straight for the master bathroom and locked my self in it. I re-read "His Needs, Her Needs" for about an hour. She still had not said one word to me. I came out, closed the bedroom door and went to bed. By 10:30 she came in to start the drama.

She demanded a list of every website and account of hers I went to. She called me every name in the book. She was breathing fire and spewing venom. I told her I didn't want to talk about it right now. She wouldn't let it drop. I finally told her that OMW e-mailed me and gave me this information. (she can't verify this) Immediately, half of her rage was gone and I could see that she realized that she had made this situation in to what it had become.

She was still in a rage and was still leaving, etc., etc.
I said "fine, go, I'm not keeping you here" She finally left at 12:30. I was relieved....I fell asleep for about an hour. Then she came back and said she had car trouble. Whatever..... she stayed the night. I told her what my terms were if she wanted to reconcile (NC, NC letter, MC, Changing emails and cell numbers, etc.) She said I was pressuring her again to make a decision. I said "I am not pressuring you either way. You decide whatever you want, but these are my terms and I will not work on our marriage unless you accept them"

This morning she screamed and threw a tantrum...more drama...

Now she emailed me and she is sorry for yesterday and she wants to have dinner.

She has not re-commited verbally yet. But she says she will write the NC letter because she wants to be done with Om and OMW. I think things will work out. Now she thinks OMW is monitoring OM closely and that I will be informed of anything she finds...More incentive to NC. I am standing firm and I will not waiver. I told her that I love her and that I want to rebuild our marriage, but it has to be on my terms.

Thats it for now

October...

Pressuring her to make a decision? Incredible "FOG BABBLE"...Her decision was supposed to have been made when she said, "I DO"!

Things are going completely by the WS textbook in your situation...you did great!!! Keep us posted...

You do realize that her reactions yesterday are communicating to you that the A is not over, right?

Mrs. W

Just to update anyone that is interested. My WW finaly sent a NC letter to OM. She says that she means it. She is all depressed right now. Its amazing, I thought we had been in recovery for the last two months, and now she is upset to lose her boyfriend who she hasn't seen in 3 months. I am expecting a few weeks of withdrawl and then I pray to God that she will be out of the fog for good. She has promised no contact before, but this time it seems different, Like she finally sees that it is THE ONLY way. FYI, I had to tell her I was ready for a divorce, that I wanted her out of the house this weekend, and that I would be glad when she was gone. (This was after I found out she was in contact with him again.) These things seemed to hit her like a 2 x 4. She spent the next few days as a basket case and then sent a 12 page NC letter (telling him how aweful she has treated me in this whole thing as I've tried to take care of her and what a jerk he has been). She seems like she gets it. I hope she does..... She says she still has feelings for him and hopes that I am right about those feelings going away as she gets out of the fog. If she betrays me again, then I will happily divorce and move on with my life.

October