I need some advice. I am considering exposing my H's PA further. Here are the background details:

M-28
H- 37
S,3
OW-21
H and OW are coworkers; H is OW's superior

Suspected A begining 7/05. I moved out 9/05 with S3 when confrontation w/H over suspicions turned physical. Moved back end of 10/05 after H professed much sadness, changes, etc.

Mid-11/05 found suspecious text message from OW to H. 3 days later I discovered H's cell phone password and found several messages from OW confirming A. Confronted both H and OW. OW swore to leave H alone; said H lied to her about the status of our R. H was defensive, then remoreseful... For a few days it looked like H wanted to work on things; on Thanksgiving I had a blow up about the A. H has since maintained distance from me, sleeps in separate bed, etc. We were doing family things together still, and spending a little bit of time together watching TV, but that was it.

12/17 H's back is thrown out. I find him later on the phone. He quickly hangs up and I ask who it is. H volunteers it is OW but claims the call was only work related and he could show me evidence justifying why he needed to talk to her. He also volunteered he talked to her a few nights earlier as well.

H continues to go into work despite sore back, coming home very late a couple nights in a row after supposively falling asleep in our car after work parties. I later find several phone calls back and forth between H and OW, one in which OW calls H to tell him she is "thinking of him".

I left several very ranting messages for OW and then confronted H again on 12/24 when I heard message from OW; H claims nothing is going on. Says he doesn't know why OW is calling him. Tells me to forget OW's name, phone number, etc and to leave her alone. I promise to this so that H will not ruin S3's Xmas by leaving the house.

Since then I see that H and OW are talking for hours every night, even though OW is several states away at her home during Xmas break. She appears to be attempting to contact him more than he her....

Am considering contact OW's parents (found out their names, home address, telephone number). Sure they will not be happy to hear their daughter is knowingly pursuing a relationship with a much older man in a R that involves a small child. Also considering revealing to H and OW's workplace that OW is conducting an affair with a "manager" that is contributing to the ruin of H's marriage and destroying the home of a child. Do not intend to reveal H name if I don't have too... leave that bomb up to her, as I am sure she will be investigated if I inform workplace. Am very concerned a PA affair between H and OW will start up again when she returns to the area for school, but also very concerned that revealing the A will permenately drive H away.

H is warming toward me and has spent time alone hanging out with me and cooking meals for us to eat. Is showing some regret, speaks of depression, shame, confusion. Appears only to talk to OW after he's had several drinks (H has alcohol dependency issues)

Anyone have advice on what to do? Should I proceed or wait and see what happens?

Thank for any feedback-

PF

(H has alcohol dependency issues)


Not good .... How bad does his drinking get?

I would strongly recommend exposing to your WH's employer. A situation like this is ripe for a sexual harassment charge. Moreover, if he is giving her preferential treatment at the expense of the other employees who work for him, it could be prohibited discrimination based on sex.

Regards,

BB

Expose... expose... expose. Oh, and if you didn't understand me the first time... EXPOSE. The more that know then the better chance of snuffing it out. Don't forget to expose to his parents. And if you think he'll be angry... good. That's the whole reason behind it. To let out the truth of what he is and has been doing.

If he comes back with the classic, "Why did you have to tell such-n-such?" your answer will be, "Did I lie?" or "Did I forget any details?".

H is one of those drinkers who does not appear to be drunk until he is way over the edge and then immediately goes into a stupor... passes out, etc.

Lets just say though that he can drink 6 strong vodka sodas stright before he starts loosening up a bit...

A night on the town for H is between 5-10 drinks.

He has gotten physical twice over the past 6 years.. both times extremley drunk.

My first reaction is to say "Yuh think?" in response to the question of further exposure. Expose to everyone you can think of.

This is an inappropriate relationship in the workplace and the company is going to want to know. What Brit said, as always, is right on the money. If you don't break this up right now, the problem at work can escalate until your husband gets embroiled in a sexual harassment suit when the little girl decides she's through with her older man fling. The company is not going to like that at all.

He is, for Pete's sake, literally old enough to be her father. Is he going through an early mid-life crisis?

I'm concerned about the alcohol problem. I've read it's difficult/impossible to apply MB principles to reconciliation where such dependency exists.

Don't get hit .... if you expose (and you should in my opinion) .... if he comes home drinking .... get out!

[color:"red"] PLEASE be careful .... hitting you twice in 2 years is 2 times too many .... we'd had one or two cases where the betrayed got herself pretty badly beaten up ... be cautious[/color]

Pepperband and Longhorn-

Thank you both for advice. I do think I will expose at work within the week. Will attempt to gather a bit more evidence to confirm without a doubt (text messages or vm), but then I will let the ball drop.

Longhorn, you have brought up arguements that I have tried to use with H- old enough to be her father, sexual harassment, coercion (cause he lied extensively to her about our relationship), sex discrimination.... obviously to no effect.....

Don't think H is having an early mid-life crisis as much as many, many, unresolved issues from the past are catching up with him... abusive childhood, non-exsistant father, product of a mutual affair... all leading to self esteem issues, depression, ect., that are leading to the alcohol dependency. This affair is one more manifestation I believe.

Strangly, do not want to give up on him b/c I beleive he really needs some professional help and can be a better person if he starts facing up to his emotional issues. But I believe I have been around to often, to willing to pick up the ball and forgive when he screws up. Figure he's gone to have to fall, and fall bad, if he' going to realize how badly screwed up he is. Gotta start dealing instead of avoiding....

But Pepper- you are right too. Won't be around when I drop bomb. Will take son somewhere for a bit. Give him some time to cool....

Thanks-

Will keep posted-

PF