06 1202 Post to LA
LA...
Hope you are doing OK...you are in my prayers.
This , which is will bring you almost up to date on my journey. I am a work in progress.
As I said - have lot to tell you about my journey; what has been revealed to me & I have learned - not sure where to start so will just jump in, hoping that we both can make sense of it! I am still processing most of it ! Bear with me, please!
( might want to get your favorite beverage,& find comfortable chair, before going any further -Ha!Ha!)
As you know last 2 yrs ( as of 12/18/06 ) have been the most trying & difficult for me - came very close to losing it, having nervous breakdown or whatever want to call it.
Struggled with "why"; "what I did/didn't, should've/shouldn't have done, etc".
From start felt God's hand on it. knowing that everything happens for reason, & in God's timing, but unable to understand,& being very impatience!.
In beginning trying to find answers, I believe it was Him that finally lead me to website, where I learned that WH had almost all signs of being in Mid-life crisis, even down to things he said was like he was reading from a script!
Believe very strongly in marriage vows I took & since told this was about him, not me, decided I would stand & try all I could to save, restore marriage & if ended would have to be WH that did it - wouldn't be on my head.
Websites referred to others with more information & Christian guidance /advice - most all of which advised working on & taking care of me! Another thing that all I read said was that was no excuse / justification for affair that I needed to figure & own what/how I contributed
To me this was saying that in some way this was my fault, I caused it, etc. Well I could NOT believe that ! [ I now understand that I did contribute ]
To my thinking if he had problems he should have stated them in way that was easy & clearly be understood, but he hadn't. In fact still refuses to discuss with me as well as denying that WH & OW are anything but "just good friends/dance partners" "!
Another that several advised was exposing the affair to family, friends, etc. but since I had promised WH I would not discuss with others, so felt must honor my promise. After learning about exposing, I prayed that if / when was what God wanted that He show me that it was according to His word. Shortly after that I got book entitled, "What To Do When Your Spouse Says, 'I Don't Love You Anymore'"by David Clarke, Ph.D. with advise / action plan based on Matthew 18 & especially verses 15-20. Now I prayed that if this was His will He provide me with the words
Despite this advice - continued trying to figure out & look for answers - some "magic pill" to restore his love for me & marriage
One thing that really took my mind off it all & I was/am really excited about - was us wanting to get house back as like it was when moved in.
Only really been last few months that I have been taking all that advise - to work on & take care of me !
However, even though I am good at analyzing what needs to be done & organizing it into steps - when I thought about what all needed to be done was just overwhelming & I didn't know where to start so became paralyzed, doing very little or nothing & becoming very frustrated!
Again I believe God lead me to website called "FlyLady" end of July.
[ see enclosures for brief description of her system / ideas or if have chance check out website at FlyLady.net then on left hand side of site click on & read all of "Why Fly" & browse "Table of Contents"]
(FLYing - stands for Finally Loving Yourself" which I need to do!)
I identified with almost she said immediately, seeing & understanding myself in ways hadn't before. ..Especially after reading her book "Sink Reflections" & also one that was bases & helped her develop her system, " Side Tracked Home Executives - SHE's" b
Admit not done near as well as could/should, as still have trouble with procrastination /perfectionism ,but am working on it.
Trying to remember "I CAN do anything for 15 minutes!" & actually do it !! Have to as Thanksgiving is just little more than 2 weeks away & will need to have dining room/table cleared out !!
I had prayed for help w/ DS. Knew I needed some boundaries, but no idea how to set them even after reading book on how, as didn't give step by step. In doing a search on line about something else as I remember, one of the results was "Joy2MeU" which peaked my curiosity. Over next few weeks read alot on site, identifying with alot said, but also having enough discernment to feel that wasn't God based even though man writing it was recovering drinker. Couple of articles on site were "Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics & other Characteristics of Codependency.
both of which hit me right between the eyes. ( See enclosures with same titles - I highlighted ones that really seem to "speak" to me)
About this time I also was lead to another sites
http://www.cloudtownsend.com/index.html dealing with Boundaries & other issues but in God based way.
Also, I had been praying that God would reveal to me what purpose was for this journey I'm on & why.
Answer came in truly unexpected way. One Saturday night there wasn't much on TV I found interesting or that I hadn't seen so was flipping thru channels & came to find Christian program with lady, Paula White saying we all had purpose & need to keep our focus on God. I immediately felt this was answer to my prayer of why ..I realized that I had put Terry ahead of God, worshipping him in alot of ways & was God's way of bringing me back to Him!
Shortly after that first night, DD called after I'd gotten home on Friday & wanted to go to Lakewood church to hear lady she had seen on TV - Joyce Meyers peach. We were few minutes late, but made it in time. Her talk that night was about how God speaks to us - that He rarely spoke to us in a audible voice which I admit I was wanting/expecting & something I'd prayed about.
I am not one to watch religious channels, but since that first night am drawn at different times to them & each time when watch have something important revealed to me that I needed &/or had prayed about.
Some of which is:
That I must put God first in my life daily
That we have no responsibility /control for/of anyone but ourselves! Never understood was what God wanted for us.
Our anger is usually signal that some thing is not right.
I had always believed in the Golden Rule - "do onto others as you would have them do unto you"... that's what I expected from others & that is not what it says.
I must forgive & thank WH before I can move on; learn more
I am better mentally most days but do take antidepressants when feel need for them, without feeling crazy or guilty.
Physically had have alot of discomfort from my neck/shoulders helps when I can get someone to rub medicine on my neck & shoulders, but that isn't always possible so instead take pain medicine when needed.
Just before Thanksgiving learned I do have skin cancer on my nose & chin that will have to be removed.
I am trying very had to "let go & let God" as know from experience that He has never shut door that one hasn't been opened elsewhere that was to a better place...just have to keep reminding myself of it at times! Know that the fear, uncertainty is not from God.
To listen for His voice & heed His direction for path I am to take...that it be His will & not mine and in His timing.
I do feel at some point soon I will do several things as have already felt lead, to send WH series of letters depending on his response to each
1. admitting my part, forgiving him for his betrayal, adultery, lying, etc. & see if willing to get counseling ;etc.
2. asking him to agree to no contact with OW for 90Day trial to move back & to address some of the "petty & infantile" issues & our "few little problems" ;admit his affair, etc. for closure whether get back together or not;
3. written agreement for his to sign & have notarized stating all things he has said he would provide for me;
4. email letter to all square dancers/callers exposing his & Wendy's true relationship / affair;
5. email/letter to family exposing WH & OW's true relationship / affair, with proof & how I feel about their no contact with me after all years in family
just waiting for all right words which I believe will come when God's timing is right ( I've been given some of words already )
Will have Thanksgiving dinner here, but will be late, around 5-6pm since DD will have to work that day.
WH mentioned that family in Louisiana is trying to get Petsy (his mother) to go there for Thanksgiving, so no idea what their plans are
For most of last 28 yrs had Thanksgiving/Christmas here,& she would come weekend before to stay, visit & help.
Will let WH know my plans & he/his family are welcome if want to come, but I am not getting my hopes up or allow their plans to ruin day for me & kids!.
I found website called FreeCycle which is nationwide with group in Humble/Kingwood. Their purpose is :
about keeping things out of the landfill.
giving away something that has no use in our life anymore to someone who could extend its usefulness a little longer.
about giving as gifts to people while clearing out our own clutter.
about creating, building, and sustaining an environmentally aware community.
Offering Items We No Longer Need to Those Who Need Them
One main rule: Everything posted must be free, legal, and appropriate for all ages
So I'm excited about finding site as won't have to pay to have alot of stuff from my decluttering/dejunking stuff hauled off & will go to someone who wants it & can use it!
Also excited & very impatience about getting house ready for Holidays. Just need to stay off computer & get my fanny moving 15 minutes at time!! Most of all remember that it won't happen overnight !
Already started on some - the top oven (bigger of two) hasn't worked in last few years. Told WH need to get it fixed & had a time limit in my mind & when WH didn't meet it had it replaced. Also want to get new white or stainless steel range vent hood over stove top range to replace the awful avocado green one have now!]
Bought new light fixtures for over vanity in hall bath & new faucet for sink. Also. will get light fixtures for master vanity & 2 up floor lamp for each side of bed ( $8.00 each at Wal-Mart !).
Will ask him to install new faucet along with new dead bolt & door knob got for front door before Thanksgiving, which he hasn't mentioned or done so will arrange to have those done before Christmas as well &( unless he specifically ask will not give him a new key)
Would also like for him to take his recliner as think would make easier to rearrange furniture in living area. If doesn't take it will think about selling it & using money toward new oven/vent hood or maybe something else.
Also after holidays want to fix up master bedroom for me.
Looking into seeing if can get regular mattress to fit in wood bed frame to replace waterbed mattress have now that is old & needs replacing. Think regular mattress would be better for my neck, shoulders & back. Already got several sets new sheets, comforter, bath rugs, hand towels, etc. Will just wash drapes have now & hope they hold together until I can get to dejunking/decluttering my craft room so can get to sewing machine & make new curtains for it. I was alittle discouraged about my lack of progress with this for holidays, until I realized that I had in fact managed to get the 3 major living areas & main bath done. ( have few bags of stuff that need to take to donate, then are done) Will still need to do detailed dejunking/decluttering in areas hidden, like desk drawer, kitchen drawers, pantry, end tables, etc. but have accomplished way more than I thought!!! I am proud of myself !!!
For while now each week have been trying to buy at least one item off my "Want/Wish list" for house. Now also adding a Christmas gift of two as well. Figure that way won't be such big chunk spent all at once!
As you might have figured out by now, I have just about come to terms with fact that WH is mostly likely NOT coming back. Admit that isn't what I still hope/pray for, but I must go on with life & make best of it. Prepare for worst, but hoping & praying for best!"
Try to take each day as it comes & live each to fullest & best I can.
Work on myself & my relationship with God!
Presently reading Boundaries & Boundaries-Face to Face, which are big help
As always, looking forward & want & hope for your comments, suggestions, and criticism, whatever.
Just hope all by babbling & rambling has made alittle bit of sense.
I learned from little book given to me while back that my coping style is both by mulling things over privately & then talking them out, so since don't have anyone nearby I trust to talk them out with ( except DD & not fair to burden her) this is next best way I have of doing that...letters to myself !!
Have wonderful evening!
