Im not going to care anymore, I cant, this is not me to be like this, and I am sick of him comparing me to my mother and calling me by my mothers name. He hates my mother more than anything, which only speaks volumes what he thinks of me.

Maybe I need to take the kids and do that go away for a weekend thing. My daughter doesnt have school Monday, maybe I should pack up and leave now. I need some good quality time with my kids, they are my absolute delight. I cant get enough of that unconditional love that they love to give. Its all I have to go on.

Could he have seen you put the recorder in the cars?

Heidi,

You're doing so well. Stay the course. His anger is simply a reflection of his own life. I know it still hurts but remember - he's out of control and his soul is sold and he KNOWS it and it's eating him up.

Keep your head up. You're a bold and strong woman and your children are so lucky to have a mom like you. Keep fighting the good fight. We're praying for you.

no not possible.

I tired calling him 3x at 8:45pm he didnt answer.
Hasnt called back.
I tried calling him 2x at 10:40pm he didnt answer.
Hasnt called back.

Going to pack a bag for the hospital.
Be well everyone thank you so much for all of your caring.

Heidi,
We all really do care about you. I hope it helps to know that lots of us are praying for you and for your family.

Take care of you and that baby. Get some rest. Maybe take an over night trip with you and the kids. Relax a little.

Heidi, I haven't posted to you but have followed your thread.

There is a private board that Justuss can hook you in with if you email her - totally restricted access. Many who post here are hoping you will check it out. Just let her know you would like your email forwarded to me, or MelodyLane (or email MelodyLane directly).

JustUss2@aol.com


MSA

bump

still as confused as ever. He still calls her whenever he gets the chance.

She called last night, he said how wonderful it feels for someone to pay attention to him for a change, and that she called to see how he was doing and if he was ok. I said yeah I can see how that makes you feel so good, cause when I call you and ask how your day is going and how you are feeling, you say Im always good, get mad at me for calling and hang up on me. I asked him if his "Friend" was ok, cause he told me she called him crying and that her H must have beat her. But then he calls her and there is no crying and the convo was pretty upbeat. He got pissed for me asking, and then said he must have misinterperted her voice when he thought she was crying.

Im sure that is major LBing but I just cant stand it sometimes. I left the room after that, I was going to watch a movie with him while he exercised, but I just couldnt. He came out and apologized for getting mad at me for asking if OW was ok.

i hate this.

His friendships with these other people and especially OW are inappropriate and disrespectful. It is awful that he thinks it is fine for him to go out so many nights a week. Especially when he goes out on weekend evenings which usually should be times to spend with you. That you are pregnant and so far along and he abandons you without being accessible at all times is inconscionable. He seems to have no regard for anyone else beside himself and OW.

I hope you will be able to get the proof this week.
I wonder how he would feel if you had such a friendship with an OM. Can you get him to read His Needs Her Needs or Love Busters? Maybe a light would go on...but I doubt it; the fod is too thick right now.

Unfortunately I dont think there is a chance that I can get him to read anything that he doesnt want to. He doesnt even want to believe what other ppl have said to him. Even his mother and the MC.

He is more focused with what his "friends" are telling him and how his "friends" are there for him. His fog babble is so thick and ridiculous at this point, im really amazed that he doesnt hit himself in the head after he hears the spew dribble out of his mouth.

He said to me yesterday that he had a very strong desire to clean the house. And I was like wow why is that. He said he just wants to get everything out so we can be prepared to sell it. I said oh, I had mistakenly thought that you were having a nesting desire since the baby will be here soon. He thought about it for a minute, and said hmmmm, how profound is that I think you are right; but then he added but i just cant do it here, I need to get out of here, I cant be in this house.

He told me that as he got into bed the other night he asked himself why he started wearing so many layers of clothing to bed, and so in an effort to show me that he was making an attempt at making things better, he stopped wearing so many clothes to bed.

Still wont touch me, and if I try to cuddle with him, kiss his back and neck the way I normally would, rub his back and legs, its lasts a min and then he says he has to move because my belly is making his back hurt. If I ask him to cuddle with me for even a minute, there is a sheet and a blanket between him and I.

His feet have been bothering him a lot lately, and I have been rubbing special lotion on his feet whenever he will let me. Last night he took the lotion and said that he wants to be able to do it himself after he gets out of the shower at the gym instead of at night when I would do it for him. I also used to be the one that trimmed his goatee and mustache for him and he took the scissors and said he was going to do that at the gym too. I offered to do it for him and he said no, he will do it at the gym.

He is doing a good job of making it very difficult for me to meet any of his EN's anymore. Ive noticed that the only time he seems to be truley poilte to me and even wonderful to me, calling me sweetie and such, is when he is at work and his parents are in the office with him. The rest of the time he seems to have a pretty flippant attitude towards me.

sorry im venting....but it really seems to help me to clear my head.

I think at this point it dosent matter how good of a job I do as a doormat working as many EN's as I can, it has no bearing with him, and he actually gets mad sometimes saying that I am just trying to make him uncomfortable and then he wants to leave the house.

On Sat night, before he went out, he said that if I wasnt pregnant and he didnt feel the need to take care of me while I was pregnant, hed be asking for a divorce already, but he says that he has to get out so that he can calm down and think clearly so that he can make a rational choice to not say something that he will regret later.

When he finally called me after midnight when he went out Sat. he said that he had a good time, and that he was actually feeling "randy" and was glad that I was still awake. He was being so chipper and odd, I said I was glad that he had such a good time with his "friends" he said he was driving home right then, told me all the ppl he was with were partying like crazy and he didnt hear the phone all the times I called and that he fell asleep on the couch. I asked him if he drank at all, he said what do you think, I said id guess you had a drink or two. He said he had nothing, told me again how he was feeling "randy". I said to him to drive safe and Id see him when he got home. He was home like 10 min later, and was in a bad mood. He said he was pissed because I accused him of being drunk. He got in bed and fell asleep.

I hate not having proof, I need to make some calls and see what I can do, Ill be back later. Thanks for listening to me rant for awhile <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Heidi - just remember that any SF with him would not only endanger you but your baby as well. Hardly worth the risk IMHO.

We're praying for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That GPS idea is still a possibility. Or take up the Wonderings on their offer. I really hope you get your proof soon. It all points to a PA with OW. He has only a minute amount of conflict because you are pregnant.

What is it about this house that he hates so much? Does he say it is because you were depressed last year in the house? It makes no sense. He sounds very anxious to live a fantasy life with OW. He gets high from his OW drug. He is an a&&. He needs a big wake up call. You need to get all of your financial ducks in a row and see where you stand should a DV be in your near future.

Can you consult with your Rabbi and he will keep the visit confidential?

{{{Heidi}}}...

Sorry that I didn't make it back to post to you this weekend...

About your depression...

1. Your husband's attitude about it...IGNORE...it's RIDICULOUS & IGNORANT on so many levels...I'm sure you know that, but sometimes it's important for others to validate those feelings for you!

2. You probably already know this too, but just in case...Since you have had a significant episode of depression in your life, it predisposes you to postpartum depression. Add to that what you are going through right now, and it increases that predisposition ten-fold, what with the plummet in estrogen and all. PLEASE see someone about that while you are in the hospital giving birth. There are some AD's that do not come through in breast milk if you are breast feeding...PLEASE promise me that you will make sure to look in to it...I am worried about you...You are very strong, but we all have a breaking point, and I just wanted to give you a "heads-up"...with everything else on your plate, please remember to take good care of YOU...

Mrs. W

***Edited to add...Heidi, could you talk to your OB/GYN about this BEFORE you go in to the hospital? She could have orders set up to start the right AD almost immediately after you give birth...Something to think about...

Hi everyone -
Im having a hard day. At any rate to respond to all of you....
I didnt have SF with him that night, im too afraid atm to do that with him, and I think that he says it just to say it not that he has any intention of following through because he went straight to bed, which I was greatful for because then I didnt have to say why I didnt want to.

Yeah I think GPS is a good idea, im going to try to get to Radio Shack tomorrow (hopefully) hard to get out with 2 little ones and weather is supposed to be bad.

And as if EA is not bad enough, the idea of him having a PA right now literally makes me want to vomit. It is really nauseating.

The thing with the house.....ugh.....well yes it started out last year with my depression and when he came back he said he had bad association and wanted to move. We were going to loose a lot of money if we tried to sell it at that point, and asked if we could stay a few more months and if it was still that bad for him we could try to sell then and go. Well things were going well, I redecorated the entire house, and rearranged everything. He came home excited and said how much better the house felt with what I had done.

So in July/August when DD was about to start Kindergarten we started to talk about staying longer and doing some major work on the house to make it great for the next 10+ years. So I started drawing up some plans to gut the kitchen and family room. Plans to completely gut the gardens and deck and redo all the landscaping, siding, roof. Then in the next phase we would do the bathrooms, and bedrooms. Then the living room and dining room and change carpet to hardwood and such. He and I were both so excited.

It is what we had planned to do initially when we bought this house. We even talked about adding a 4th bedroom down the road so that our DD and our baby didnt have to share a room forever.

So I drew up all the plans and in Oct we started shopping for all the kitchen goods. This after a month+ of waiting around on one of the guys at H's co. who said he can get us deals through his client and then that never panned out. At any rate. We ordered cabients (Non-Refundable $11,000) and all new SS Appliances. My brother came and started demolition. End of Nov. cabinets and appliances arrive and we now live in a major construction zone. Hubby and I are very excited as we take the cabinet door and go to shop for tile and granite and sinks and fixtures.

Beginning of Dec. my whole world comes to a crashing halt. All of a sudden H comes home and says thats it he cant take it we must sell the house, he cant stand being here, lots of explatives about the house and that I have made him be here against his will, more explatives, and a deadline that I must have the house ready to sell by end of Feb. I am devistated.

I already had my suspicions about him and OW for most of Nov. and Dec. by this point and when he comes home with this attitude I was just taken back. We struggle through the holidays, with him accounting his "new attitude" to what we went through last year at this time. I cant help but to accept what he is saying and feel the burden of guilt building again for what had happened.

Jan 4th I had been searching the net for months looking for a place to find advice and chat with other ppl, and find some relief, some comfort, some understanding, some help, I just wanted to scream and have someone hear me. Then I found MB, and what a God-send.

Things have been on a downward spiral since Dec. and I have yet to be able to even slow it down.

Tonight my H and I are sitting in bed watching a movie. He gets a call from his friend and I can hear the conversation, and he takes a very flippant and negative tone in referance to anything relating to me, and I am sitting right there. I was upset and offended.

I asked him why he makes such callous remarks about MC, did he really think that the MC was of no use and that her knowledge is easily diregarded because he finds it offensive? He said he felt that the MC is placing focus on the wrong area and that she is not addressing the true problems, she is trying to heal the wound without healing the source. I told him that she is trying to heal both, and seems she is directing her/our attention at the open wound right now to make sure it heals before it gets any worse. My H has become facinated with speaking to me in cliches'. He cant just come out and say anything anymore. He dances around everything.

He thinks that she should not be focusing on the fact that he is so angry about what happened. And that the current problems that we are having stem from the fact as he told her that he has so much built up resentment to me for what happened last year, and although we had been working on it and it was fine until now that things were improving, things had taken a turn for the worse for him when the holidays came up. Then he throws in snide remarks about the OW and how I think he is having an A. But then quickly goes on to say things about not trusting me, not sure if he wants to be with me, but wants to try to work on our marriage, how much he loves me and wants things to work.

So she explains depression and the way effects of it and why I acted as I did, and at the time he told the MC he understood what she was saying. And she said that depression can be treated and work so that this would not happen again, and if something was to start effecting me that way again we would all be aware of it and be able to prevent it from happening. He said he understood.

We get home and he says that was all BS and there is noway she is ever going to make him believe that, and that my depression was my choice and I made choices and have to suffer the consequences pof my actions and that depression is a crutch to me. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

She said to him that she admires in him that he has identified himself as a preson with a very strong will because at 16 he was able to go into rehab and overcome a siginificant drug problem and he has never relapsed, which is amazing because most ppl do relapse. She told him what a strong person he has to be to have accomplished that. We also discussed the loss of something that he loved tremendously - being a paramedic - he gave that up 5+ years ago for his father and for me and our family. He mourns the loss of that love still to this day, but he was able to get through the loss and has learned to move on and is slowly healing from that.

She sited these examples to him, and told him of his strong character and that this too the problems that we are facing can be worked on, and that he is strong enough to overcome those things, then he can with this too if he chooses.

Well he got home and he thought that was a bunch of BS too, he said why is she focusing on me, when the problem should be foucsed on you. He says why do I need her to sit there and tell me that I should just suck it up, tuffen up and deal with it. I tell him that is not exactally what she said. She said you are a strong person and we can work through this, and she did suggest that we also work on my depression.

He doesnt see that. He thinks it is a waste of time, but in the next breath he says he wants to still go and that he is angry and not giving it a fair chance.

I ask him if he wants to be my H. He says sometimes. I ask him what he hopes to get from all of this, what he hopes the outcome is. He says he wants our life back, like when we lived in WI and we were all so happy, before any of this bad stuff happened. So I said so you want to have our marriage work? He says yes, BUT, he wants it to but he doesnt think that it will. He says he thinks there is too much damage to be repaired.

I say it seems he has one extreem in one hand and one extreem in the other. I ask if he wants one more than the other, if he is leaning to one or the other. He says he doesnt know, it changes all the time for him. He explains how a large part of him wants to stay and be with me and work things out, and how a large part wants to separate and start over. I ask him what that means and he says he doesnt know. He says (dancing around being direct again) that he doesnt have to be here, he could come home and eat and put the kids to bed and then leave every night and go to his 2 bdrm apt where he can find himself, and if he wants to go out and blow off steam with his friends then he could and he wouldnt have to answer to me, and if he wanted to go bowling on Tues night then he could and BLAH BLAH BLAH.

And then he goes on to say but I am scared to do that because I dont know how you will react. And I ask what that means, and he says I dont know I will think about it and write it down for you. I stare at him....and ask him to go on, what does that mean. He sites an example of his mother calling to ask if she can take our DD to a play one of the weekends surrounding my due date. I didnt think it was a good idea. A month+ ago my mother had asked about taking our DD and DS to Incredibles on Ice and I had to tell her NO because it was at the same time of my due date, and aside from that H did not want her to take the kids, SO why would I want MIL and FIL to then be allowed to take only DD. Well H is angry with me for that and says that I am doing it just to be mean and selfish. And he says that he is afraid of me doing that to him. (I guess he was saying that he wants to leave but doesnt because he is afraid that I wont let him see the kids, but I dont know I could be understanding him FOG BABBLE wrong too).

He always ends with loving me and wanting things to work...and then there is always that infamous BUT........

Im in dire need of relief. He says that he hopes that the baby is healing for him. I hope so too. But I am also most scared by that day too.

As Always -
Heidi

^Bump up to the top^

I feel like I am dying inside.
I feel like I have lost.
I feel like I am alone.

Im scared.
Im confused.
Im sad.
Im hurt.

I went to lay in bed and saw him laying there sleeping. And it hurts so bad. I love him so much. Why do I have to love him so much right now. I couldnt lay there next to him anymore, I know he isnt dreaming of me anymore. I know that he just came home and his arms were holding someone else. He was sharing all the things he used to share with me with someone else.

How do you get through the night....
I cant stop crying......

Heidi,

You're going to see the Rabbi today. Right?

The tears come and the nights are hard. But every night won't be like last night. Time will take care of itself and with it will come some peace. I promise.

Go talk to the Rabbi. We're praying for you.

You've got Flukette's number. Call her if you need her.

ty so much for all of your support and kindness...

I finally got to sleep around 4am and then up at 630am.
Sleep did not go well last night.

Talked to H this morning, he said "I really hope that when the baby comes it really changes the way we are to each other and that things get better"

I cant stand not knowing what to believe anymore.

Heidi - This is the old "something external is going to change my behavior so that I don't have to do it myself and face up to it" routine. Looking for the magical diversion, so to speak.

You know the truth.
You know the work it will take for him for him to change and to reconcile with you.
You know this will be a marathon - not a sprint.
You know the baby won't change a thing.
You also know there is Hope.

Didja call the rabbi yet? Do I have to get Yiddish on you again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

(((Heidi)))...

Please don't let that "goy" Fluke go Yiddish again...tell me you talked to the Rabbi...Mr. W and I are here anytime you need us as well...hope to talk to you over bbq brisket tonight...still here thinking about you and praying for you...

Mrs. W