Hi, all. I'm new here. I'm a former WS being (unjustly) accused of being a WS again and am now headed for divorce. H refuses to believe that I wasn't having another A and he wants out. Although I agreed in the beginning that we should divorce if the trust is so low, I'm now wondering if divorcing isn't a horrible mistake.

We worked hard on recovery but H never really worked through his issues with his T and made my life unbearable while I tried alone to make the marriage work.

Is it normal to question and wonder if you're doing the right thing? Any advice would be appreciated. Many thanks.

What is his basis for suspecting another affair?

How was the prior affair put to rest and have you maintained any further contact with your affair partner?

WAT

........and, what did you do to regain his trust?

WAT

His basis for suspecting another A is my job. I'm in the entertainment industry and spend a lot of time meeting people and going to various events and he assumes that I must be doing it again.

We both spent several years in therapy to try to get past the A and it seemed to be working, for me anyway. But somehow his T wasn't able to help him with trust issues.

Forgive my repetition, but what did you do to regain his trust?

This is not a sarcastic question.

Therapy cannot create trust. Did these therapists claim it could?

Only you can create trust in you from others. You have to do the work. You have to earn it.

Once betrayed, it is extremely difficult to trust that person again, but much easier - if not guaranteed - if the betrayer genuinely works to earn it. Being in some situations, e.g. your industry, you have a tougher task based on the stereotypes involved. It may take longer to accomplish.

For the particular case at hand - the "unjust" accusations - what are the reasons for your husband to suspect you and to trust you?

WAT

I told him everything I did, where I went, who I saw, etc. but I guess it wasn't enough. The only time he was comfortable is if he was with me and I was in his line of sight.

The T told H he could help him find ways to get over the A, but you're right - if he doesn't trust me a T isn't going to be able to make him.

H suspects me because I spend time with people of the opposite sex. I wonder if changing jobs might help or would the situation remain the same.

No one can make him trust anybody.

You can create the environment necessary for him to regain trust - and you have to do this with your actions and not your words.

I'm not saying that the trust threshold is the same for everybody. But you would agree that he had a very good reason NOT to trust you after the affair, right?

I don't think changing jobs will help, nor do I think staying in the same job hurts. You will be around the opposite sex no matter what.


It may not - depending on how you conducted yourself and how you projected your sincerity. And - one size does not fit all. There is no one step process, no magic pill. You have to demonstrate over and over and over that you are worthy of trust. Time is your advocate.

If you are really interested in saving your marriage, I recommend you work more on gaining his trust and forget about divorce for now. Please consider posting on the "In Recovery" board and seek ideas on regaining trust. There are many folks there with direct experience - experience I do not have. Tell them I sent you.

Ultimately, you can show your husband your efforts by showing him what you have written here, along with following whatever advice you get from folks who know.

WAT