My W and I have been married for a little over 13 years with one 8 month old son. Jan first I found out that she has been having an A for 2 months. She said that she wanted to get caught and that it was to get my attention and to give her the rush of a new love. Well it caught my attention but also broke my heart. I think that she is sincerly wanting to mend our relationship. She states that she does and is taking the steps to do this. She has offered to break off the A but has to do it in person because she owes OM that. I am not in favor of this. I will be going crazy while she is gone! am I right to feel this way or am I just blinded by pain? She has agreed to NC after tommorrow. If we are able to get on the right track how can I deal with the pain and broken trust. I feel like i lost so much of myself thru this. Now is a time when our son is starting to really come alive and explore his world. My first Christmas with him is marred by my W A. I do believe ther is hope and so does she but rightnow I justam so hurt and just numb all over.

I am so sorry to hear about the A. I think that breaking it off with the OP in person is wrong - at least not by herself. That's what's warped about the WS - feeling like they "owe" the OP something. That you need to be kind to them. BS (not for "betrayed spouse")! You have every right to go crazy over this issue and the NC needs to start now. Not knowing every detail about the A (and not really needing to, I guess), the NC needs to start as soon as the A is broken and that is when NC starts.

Interesting that she did this to "get your attention" & that she wanted to get caught.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I have raised my concerns about her doing this in person and sugested a letter or e-mail but, she showed some opposition to that approach. I worry about pushing the issue to much and her changing her mind. W does gurantee NC after tommorrow. I do see remorse in W heart so I believe that she will follow thru with NC.

Ho-hum, they're all so much alike. Harley advises against it. Tell her no.

How should an unfaithful spouse tell his lover that their relationship is over? If left to their own devices, many would take a Caribbean cruise to say their final good-byes. Obviously, that will not do. In fact, I recommend that the final good-bye be in the form of a letter, and not in person or even by telephone.

My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent

Somehope, she is not in ANY position to show "opposition" to the approach. She has broken a sacred vow, hurt you immeasurably, lied, betrayed you and the baby, destroyed trust... it is YOU, as the wronged party, who gets to say how this goes ahead. The onus of restoring trust in on HER and if she wants forgiveness and an intact marriage - which is a HUGE ask - then she should be doing everything in her power to do the right thing by YOU. You, not the OM.

No contact means no contact, even if the contact is to say goodbye. She is no position to disagree, and if she does disagree, then agree wholeheartedly with her... and go along to the meeting!

I agree w/River...she is NOT the one who sets the "rules." If it makes you uncomfortable, then you need to figure out another way. I would question her as to why you have no say in how all of this happens. You MUST be involved - somehow - in the way the A is ended.

My second post was a quote by Dr. Harley.

It's amazing to me that these waywards are so concerned about "owing" their affair partner something, but not their spouse.

Thankyou all for the responses. I feel so embarrsed by W A. and do not want to turn to freinds and family about this. I am so glad that i found this board and to know that others have been where I am.

Stick with us, and we'll get you through this - the lack of appetite, sleepless nights, the searing pain - we know all about it.

From now on, they should never have contact again, for any reason. She needs to show you a plan of how that will happen. Also she needs to be an open book, account for her time, give you her passwords, etc. to prove that she is interested in saving the marriage.

And the rush of new love crap is just that.