I feel like this is all spinning around me so fast...... seriously, last Friday night I was at home trying to think of ways to step up my Plan A and help us recommit to our marriage. An A was the furthest thing from my mind.

Now, just a few days later, I have bought devices to spy on him, I have a tracking device on his car, I have started a journal to document all the inconsistencies (and it is so much longer than I would have expected already), and I have talked to an attorney.

I got a reccomendation for an attorney this morning from a trusted friend with some connections and called to make an appt for a consultation. To my suprise, the attorney got on the phone and spoke with me for about 30 minutes. She answered all my questions, told me what to expect regarding the legal matters, and gave me some advice about what to do. I feel much, much better at this point.

I need to get enough evidence to prove that there is an A. She said that hopefully he will admit that it is going on after seeing what I have and that is the best of all. We'll see. If I get enough to make it undeniable, I think he will cave.

A week ago I was optimistic about what is ahead for me in 2006. Funny thing - I STILL AM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> The anxiety is a bit overwhelming right now, but I will persevere.

IP - you would be proud of me! Can you believe that I am even doing all this? The old WTW would NEVER have made it this far....... keep pushing me, girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As far as IC..... well, mine retired. (The attorney that I consulted 4 years ago passed away unexpectedly at an early age last year, so I had to start over with that, too. Seriously, what luck am I having?!?!?) Anyway, I would be starting from scratch. Right now, I think I will lean on family and friends until I get more things in order. Adding one more thing to my plate is more stressfull than comforting at this point. I need a tactical plan for now (as someone put it earlier)...... the emotional part will follow. I will seek a new IC then.

Willing,
You have put up with suc conditions in your marriage because of your children. I believe you need concrete evidence, not circumstantial. If you decide to divorce, you can explain to your children that you gave their father a second chance and he either never stopped the original affair or had another one. If you dont decide to divorce, this may be the catatyst for change and a better marriage. Either way you need that evidence.

Please be patient. Do not let on you are suspicious as it will drive him further underground.

Have you asked him how much he paid for that pull over?

I have followed your thread and re-lived the trail which led to the discovery of my h s very long term a.

There are a couple of things that have occured to me along the way which no one else has mentioned and that is to look at the situation from your hs perspective. There are signs there that he beginning to realise that he has trapped himself in a no win situation.

The a has been going now long enough for the passion to have worn thin why else would he require a magic pill to boost his sex drive.The regularity of the Friday night rendezvous over the years has become a habit which must, by now, have lost its glamour .

My hs a was similar and lasted for 6 yrs. It had been well and truly enabled by the unwitting betrayed spouses. Reality had been kept at bay.Your description of your hs introspective moods fits my story too.

The other clue is the pull over what does that say about the state of affairs (if you will excuse the expression) .IMO she is marking her territory by taking some control over what he wears,.... the thin end of the wedge.

He must be starting to feel that he has painted himself into a corner. His comfortable career as a fence sitting cake eater will soon be over
In this situation, in my case, my h was very grateful when i found out and rescued him from a situation that he could no longer control..

Just to wish you luck. You are coping magnificently in the circumstances.

Thanks for your comments, Myopia. It helps SO much to hear that I am not the only one who had this going on so long under my nose. I still can't believe that I never knew.

I do not know how WH will react when he finds out that I know what has been going on. But, as for me...... right now salvaging the marriage is not what I want. I feel bad saying that, but that is how I feel. I have poured everything I have into this relationship since finding out about the initial A. To discover that he was still cheating the entire time devastates me. It makes me see him in a different way....... I can find ways that I contributed to the state of our marriage before the initial affair. But, it seems inexcusable and selfish that he has carried on his affair all this time knowing what I was trying to do. He let me go through the gut wrenching process of trying to salvage the marriage by myself - all the while knowing that he had something else on the side. Grrrrrrrr..............

BLAH---BLAH----BLAH----- <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

This is me over here puking!

I had to stop home for a few minutes to change clothes and looked in WH's drawer. Lo and behold..... there is a new pair of pajama pants in there! I know that I did not buy them and I know that HE would not have bought them because they are not a brand he likes nor a fabric that he likes. Guess there was a whole outfit from OW......shoes, pants, and pullover.

I took the pants and hid them in another random drawer that he will never look in. I hope he tears the house up looking for them! Maybe he will even ask me if I have ever seen them? Uh, no - I have never seen them! The cleaning lady must have done something with them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi Willing,

I believe that hiding his pants may alert him that you are onto him. You do not need this. It will make him more careful and harder to find concrete evidence.

It may be a good idea to return those pants to the draw. Once you have your evidence, you can do as you please.

Good Morning WTW:

I agree with Innocence-lost, put those pants back. Do nothing at this stage to raise suspicions in him. It will make finding evidence so much more difficult.

I am proud of you , old friend. You have grown so much stronger. I see a different woman in you now. A woman who can take charge. You are making decisions and following through. Very good, WTW. I love to see that you have changed. Your journal is containing more evidence by the day, keep it well hidden.

I asked you in my earlier post about your feelings. Don't disregard this in the current turmoil of gathering evidence. YOU are the one who has to live with your decisions for the rest of your life. Are you o.k. retracting your promise to stay with H in "good days and bad" in the current circumstances? You have tried to mend your M for 4 years, are you now at the point to leave? Forget a moment about the evidence. If you had nothing new, wouldn't it be enough to leave just because of the way he treats you every day?

I am asking you these questions because I know that you and I are very alike in the way we think and feel. Right now you are very angry, but once that rage subsides you have to be o.k. with your decisions.

At times others make it easy for us to REACT. If your H has an A now, you rightfully can leave him. But this is a total change from what you wanted -even a week ago- to use Plan A to save the M.

Take some time to think about this...for your own good.

Hugs,

You guys are tight – the pants will go back to his drawer today. I probably subconsciously want him to know that I am on to him, but you are all right – I cannot do anything to tip my hand yet or I won’t be able to get what I need. I hate it, but I can do it.

IP – my feelings……hmmmmmmmmm…….

Well, in all honesty, I have no doubt that I am ready to get out of this marriage. Finding an A would make it easier for me to take action. But, in all sincerity, in my mind I am ready for something better regardless of an A or not. I do feel like I have lived up to my vows and have done everything that I can to make this work. I feel sad that WH cannot do the same. But, I cannot change him and sacrificing my own happiness is pointless.

My IC always told me that I would ‘know’ when I was ready to leave. It took something like the events of this week for me to admit it, but the reality is that I have ‘known’ for awhile now that I am ready. I just didn’t have the guts to admit it. This has stirred my courage to do what I know is right in my heart.

Tonight is the night……. wonder if I will find anything? I am not sure when I will get a change to retrieve the GPS and get the info - hopefully sometime over the weekend. Until then, I wait and try to act normal. It is hard, though. I know if I find something I will want to blow up, but I also know that I can’t let on that I know until the time is right.
Grrrrrrrrrrr……..

I am going crazy today – the anxiety is killing me. My heart is pounding, my insides are shaking, I can’t concentrate or even sit still. I swore I was never going to let him do this to me again, yet here I am. I can’t believe it has affected me so much again.

The pants are back in his drawer. Everything is as it should be – ‘normal.’ But, still, I envision every little thing around me as a sign that something is amiss. I had two hangup phone calls today at work and I managed to convince myself that he had found the GPS and was coming here to work to get me. I know that sounds totally crazy. I am sure that I get hangup calls every day and just don’t pay attention. And, seriously, if he found it and called me I doubt that he would just hang up! I guess that is an indication of just how on edge I am. I wish I had a “chill pill.” <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

time to take deep breaths -relax. Think of yourself in a nice quiet place. Ok just relax. It maybe the excitement of having your proof. Or just finding out who this person is. If he wears his new outfit out tonight tell him how good he looks. If you have a camera take a pic of his new look. I know gag - but it would help for later. New clothes ect. Does he have new colgne? Mine did 3 bottles and he hates colgne. Alwasy sais those type musk he has trouble breathing when he smells them. I hate them -yet he bought them for me. Yea -they make me gag. So pay attention but be charming. OK. How do you find the info of where he is going on the GPS? Can you track him on computer while he is driving?

He's gone......... to 'play poker' is all I know. I will have to retrieve the GPS from his car sometime after he gets home and transfer the data to the computer and then I will know where he actually went tonight. He usually comes home between 1-2 am. I am not sure if I will go out and get it once I know he is asleep, or if I will wait until the morning.

The kids and I are home tonight and we just had pizza delivered. I ate some, but it just didn't have any taste. I am sure that is just from the anxiety. I know that there is nothing I can do tonight, and I have some comfort being home with my children. Getting through work today was hard - I just didn't realize that I had built up so much anxiety over the week. Maybe it is just the realization that this might actually be happening to me again is slowly sinking in.

Strange thing, though. The first time I went through this I cried nonstop. This time, I have not shed a single tear - not one. I still feel hurt, betrayed, angry, and stupid. But not really sad. I guess I realize by now that I am not really losing anything.

<<<willing>>>

Hang in there, I am in awe of you and how calm you are, you are doing great! I am taking notes as I think we me and WH, it is just a matter of time. My WH's lives in NY now, so I think it would be some one new, but I'm on the alert for someone new.

I believe that you taking the advice of those on this forum and your own common sense makes soo much sense and will help you as a person in the long haul. I will send a prayer your way tonight, try to get some sleep.

Willing,

My thoughts are with you. Be careful, you do not want your husband getting up in the middle of the night and catching you. I know you are anxious and want to know but please be patient and wisely choose the time to retrieve the system and view the data.

my prayers are with you

my mind has been thinking lots about this over the last few days. one thing that keeps coming to my mind is what if the address you find has a woman and a man's name attached to it? maybe the woman's husband goes out on fri nites too? you don't know who he goes to play poker with so this makes it hard to know anything for sure when you get the actual info from the tracking device today. i am wondering if you should say something to your husband like after you get the info and if you can't detect who it is like"i'd like to at least know who you are with on poker nite in case there is an er at home" or something like that? wondering what others think ?

i was told about my h's affair by ow's husband. i left town supposedly because my grandma was sick and husband had no idea i knew. i played around w/his mind while i was gone when he would call. i asked questions similar to the one above so as for him to know i was on to something and he ended up confessing.

not sure if this would help you in your case.....just a thought.

best wishes. god bless you. keep your calmness it's what's helping you pull this off.

His not willing to spend time with you -- his neglect -- is disregard that is in your face. Think about addressing that.
Cherished

Naw - no need to worry. Once you have an address, you can then next Friday, order pizza while parked out in front of the place, on the condition that the delivery person tells you if there's a crows of guys there, or just a man and a woman... (cheap private detective - the cost of a pizza and a tip). Then you have real info. But you have to find the place for the pizza to be delivered.

I have not gone out to get the GPS yet. Don't want to take any unnecessary risk. WH has to go to a funeral out of town later this afternoon (I did confirm that thru an obituarty!), so I will get it before he leaves and I can look at it while he is gone. The kids will not be around this afternoon, either, so I will have some alone time.

I suspect that this is the same OW from 4 years ago. I know where she lives (about 30 minutes from here) so if that is what the GPS shows, he is caught. If that is not the place he went, I will have to do some more work.

Anyway, for now, all is well. I'll let you know what I find later today.

Cherished - you are SO right. Either way, I am done with this. I will not stand being treated like this. But, I definately want to know what has been going on so I make informed choices. Make sense?

Willingtowait2,
I understand. It was just terrible trying to figure out if my H was having an affair. One of his co-workers saw me driving around a parking garage at his work. I went to her house a couple of times. I'd call her phone and then his phone and generally would reach both of them about 1:10. IT PROVED NOTHING. I read what you are saying about how if you see he drove about 30 miles then you are caught.

Look, I was so deeply hurt by the fact that he had admitted to a lunch with her on October 24, 2001, that it didn't phase me that he broke my arm, literally broke my arm, on December 17, 2001.

What I have come to realize is that the abuse and the infidelity both come from the same source, which is lack of care. He didn't care about me. Look at what your husband is saying to you. He wants to stay for the kids. That's what he is trying to do, make do with as limited contact with you as possible so he can fulfill his duties as a father.

I feel like I was in your shoes four years ago and wish I had addressed the issue of neglect rather than infidelity. This putting a GPS in the car is going to drive you crazy. You won't know, truly know, unless he is caught in the act. But you do know, only too well, that he isn't spending time with you.

Cherished

PS One hurtful thing my H said to me after the affair was exposed was "You ignored me." Hardly. What I did was tolerate neglect. Think about it. What I see you doing is what I did. I waited. I hoped he would change. The person who has to change is YOU. STOP PUTTING UP WITH NEGLECT.

HE IS SOOOOOOOOO BUSTED!!!!!

I don't think it has really sunk in yet - I am sure it will. But, I can see on the map that he left here and drove straight to her house last night. No doubt. Absolutely no doubt.

What do I do now? I am getting a little panicky..... do I move ahead with telling my family what I know and get ready to expose him soon? Or, should I wait one more weekend and have somone get photos of him going there? What to do?