willingtowait2,

I have never posted to you but I have been following your story. I would pack his bags while he is in the funeral and when he comes home he can move to her house for good. Start your healing and your new life ASAP. Don't waste any more of your life with such a man. He does not deserve you or to be in your life any longer. GET RID OF HIM!

ww, calm down here. You have waited this long, why not wait a week longer and do this perfectly right? Do it in a way that proves your case beyond any doubt so there is no wiggle room. I vote for waiting a week in order to get some pictures. That way there can be no doubt.

Then once you have that, you lower the boom on him and give him an option to end the affair immediately with a no contact letter, leave his job and start working on the marriage. If he won't do those things, then you expose his affair and make his life ******.

What you do now depends on what you want.

If you want a marriage, tell him you want a marriage. That means time alone for the two of you.

The OW is just a distraction or he would have left you long ago. What you want is a husband, not a person who exists in your same house. Tell him that's what you want.

At this point, you exposed several years ago. I'd just leave it alone. Tell him you need to spend time with him and build a good relationship or you want to separate. Don't make OW the reason why you are divorcing. My guess is that he left clues (like clothes) to get you upset so that you do divorce him. Let his unwillingness to be a husband to you be the reason why you divorce, not his stupid dalliances with another woman on Friday nights.

Think about it. Don't do anything today. You're too emotional.
Cherished

That is, IF you want to stay in the marriage. If you don't, then I still suggest you get a picture next week to use as evidence in a divorce.

Congratulations, Willing...not for having found out something painful, but for having the guts to have pressed on when you really wanted to pull back. I admire you for that.

May I summarize? You correct things where I get it wrong.

1. Now you have hard evidence your husband is cheating on you. He has detached from you by (a) refusing to sleep in your bed, (b) allowing kisses only on the cheek/forehead, (c) having SF only on his terms and schedule, (d) he says he’s only staying for the kids, (e-z) you fill in the blank.

2. It’s been 4 years and he has never committed to the relationship. Plan A is out the window, if I’ve been reading you correctly. To your credit, you went far beyond the 6 months SH recommends. Fatigue shut your Plan A down at the 2-year point but I can’t see how that reflects poorly on you.

3. Unless you are willing to continue to accept this half-life you’ve been living until your children are grown, SOMETHING has to change. From the way you’ve written about him, it’s hard to believe that something will be your husband.

**********

Seems to me, you have to decide if you want to move to Plan B, and be preparing for Plan D if that fails. Alternately, you may decide to go directly to Plan D. I think there are few out here that would even think of faulting you for that.

What you do next is see an attorney ASAP (a little military lingo there, meaning As Soon As Possible…and it means exactly what it says.). You have children to protect, as well as yourself. I believe you’ve said you live in Arkansas. I don’t have a clue how documented adultery affects a divorce. Here in Texas, it can radically affect the property distribution in the final decree and it has a subliminal effect, I’m sure, on the judge. A 4-year deception would have even more impact.

What you have right now as hard evidence might not stand up in court. Check with your attorney. What would be awfully hard-hitting in court is a nice 8X10 of your husband and the other woman engaged in a public display of affection (kissing, hugging, etc.). Going in her front door as if he owned the place would be a second choice, but still valuable. If you can wait (I know the strain is going to be tremendous), it would be great to have a nice picture to show the judge. As Melody said, it’s been 4 years. What’s another week?

My advice would be, now that you know exactly where he is going, have a friend help you out by snapping a high-quality picture of him at her house next Friday. If you can hire a PI, his/her work next Friday might be all you ever need.

A thought: it might be interesting to know where your husband spends ALL of his time. If he has the opportunity to spend time alone elsewhere (at home, for instance), it might be interesting to see if he has any visitors wherever he is.

Whatever you decide, Willing, we’re here to support you. Good luck in everything you do.

I very emotional.......not crying, just anxious, confused, and mad. VERY MAD!!

I have worked sssssoooooo hard over the past several years trying to make this marriage work. I have given this man every little part of me unconditionally. And THIS is what I get?!?!? I want SO bad to get him out today. I am thru with this and the thought of a new life without it is what makes me happy. I used to worry about what a breakup would do to our kids..... now I see it differently. I feel like honesty is better for them than a life like this. I can be a much better mother for them without the turmoil that this man continues to put me through.

I don't know how I am going to play nice and live this way for another week or two. But, I guess I need to get my money in another account and start figuring out what $ we owe, and things like that. It is all so overwhelming to me at this point.

About the marriage, right now I do not want to save it. I don't feel any love for WH - the damage that he has done is just too much for me. I feel bad - I know I am supposed to want to save my marriage. But, I tried. I really, really tried. I am not sure I can get over the fact that he has continued to be dishonest with me over these past 4 years.

I don't know if I should confront him or just go ahead and file for divorce and let him get served with papers. I also need to let my family know what is going on as I need their help and support. Should I go ahead and let them know now, or wait? I am dying having to keep this to myself and pretend that everything is just normal around everyone......

For right now, make preparations but don't let him in on the fact that you know.

Remember what I said that my H said he had an affair because "you ignored me"? Because you were willing to wait, you accepted neglect and he may have thought that you were OK with a marriage in which he slept in another room and was there only for the kids.

Cherished

you need to get legal advise asap. Take some money out of the bank as soon as you can.

Longhorn -
You hit everything right on the mark. I don't think that he is going to change. I already gave him that chance and it does not appear that he even tried. His dad cheated throughout every marraige that he had and it looks like WH is destined to do the same. I will not stay around for it.

I did talk to an attorney this week. Basically, in Arkansas, it doesn't look good for him that he is having an affair, but it doesn't really entitle him to anything less. She told me that basically the best thing is to get enough evidence to make him admit to the affair. At this point, he cannot dispute it based on what I have. But, I am not sure that the GPS report that I have would be admissable in court. I probably need to get a photo or something. Anyway, what she told me is to try and get thim to admit to it and record that conversation. I will have to expose what I know to get that.

I think I need to make an appt to go see her this week and start the filing process. I need to tell my parents, though, because I need to borrow some of the $$ for the retainer from them. She is a high $ attorney, but she also came very highly reccomended and I liked her - she is aggressive and will get the best settlement for me.

So, sounds like I need to keep WH in the dark for another week or so and get some photos. Should I go ahead and see my attorney and start the paperwork process? Should I tell my parents? (We are very close and they will be devastated by the news....... but they are an invaluable support for me.)

Have to take YS to his basketball game right now. I'll bee back later.

Cherished......

Don't forget.... the conditions in my marriage were not like this before the initial A. I thought we had a great marriage back then and that is why I fought so hard. The neglect has only come about since the initial - apparently ongoing - affair.

He KNOWS I want more - I have made that very clear. He just keeps telling me to wait and that things will change. I now think that he is just stringing me along so he can stay near the kids. That is not enough for me.

Good. Let him know that is not good enough for you -- as of today. Whatever he said, I would suspect that he interpreted your willingness to wait for things to change as acceptance. I figured out a long time ago -- like March 2002 -- that I was confusing forgiveness with tolerance. I just didn't know how to forgive without tolerating.

As for your situation, I can appreciate how bad it must be. I had neglect for years before an affair, but I didn't have affair -- neglect -- affair.

Cherished

Willing, it's good that you've seen an attorney and that she's a bulldog type. It's nice to have such a lawyer in your corner when you need one. Why don't you ask your attorney whether there is any advantage (custody issue, continued possession of the home, etc) you could protect by filing quickly? I assume that’s what you mean by “starting the paperwork…”

The rule of thumb in any divorce is to turn all legal matters over to your attorney and, in your case, let loose the hounds of war! Whew! I'm being awfully dramatic today, aren’t I? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

But you get the picture. You’ll be paying good money to your lawyer; let her earn it.

Sure, tell your parents. So long as your parents wouldn’t be adversely affected (if one of them has heart problems, etc.), why not?

Now, if they will have contact with your husband before next Friday, you’ll need to exact a promise from them they will not act any different around him until you say otherwise or he’ll know something is up. (In fact, you don’t want to upset his normal routine by doing/saying anything that will tend to drive him underground, as it were.) If they can’t keep a straight face around him, perhaps excuses could be made for them not coming into contact with him for the next few days.

When you confront, be sure and have that tiny, voice activated tape recorder secreted just under the edge of the sofa (or wherever). That'll provide you with the proof of his confession your attorney would like. Even if he won't confess, his words are going to be worth recording for posterity. Some of what he might say could be as good as a confession too.

If you got a good recorder, you’ll be surprised how sensitive the mic is. It’ll pick up darn near anything in a normal sized room. Some of them, while I’m on this, have a small red light that comes on when they are in record mode. A little piece of black electrician’s tape over that and no one will ever see anything flashing in the corner of their eye.

Hang in there, lady. Our thoughts are with you.

i am sorry, but i don't see the logic of getting pictures etc. infidelity is not something that determines custody.

if it were me, i'd have every piece of ****** packed and in the garbage for his return. let him feel hardship and pain.

telling family for support is one thing, however make it very clear that you are the one who will be making the decisions and that you need their love and support right now.

i am sorry that this has happened to you. and will be praying for your peace.

Willing,

I am somewhat confused. If you knew where OW lived, why didnt you drive past her house on a Friday night and see if your husbands car was parked out there.

Also, is the OW single. She has no husband, so your husband can just go straight to her home.

On DD day, my husband told me that on a subconscious level, he wanted me to find out and to stop the affair. He did not know how to stop it himself . He was too addicted. He thanked me that I had snooped and found the evidence. He believes he was careless in leaving the letters and gifts in an easy place to find, so that I would find out about it and put a stop to it.

If it was that easy to find your husband out, just going to the OW house on a Friday night, maybe your husband has been waiting for you to put a stop to it for long time.

I would not tell my parents yet. I told my parents and told them not to speak to my husband as I wanted to confront him first. They did not listen to me and went ahead and spoke to him. They thought they were acting in my best interest.
.

WW, it sounds like you have a good plan, I would move forward and try to stay as calm as possible. Your emotions are your biggest enemy right now, so please try and keep them in check. You don't want to allow your emotions to give you away.

Agree that you should wait to tell your parents. Wait until you have a picture, if you can get one, and then bust it open. Also, in a weeks time you will be calmed down enough to face this somewhat rationally. It is really in your best interst right now to NOT do anything and especially not give into your emotions.

I am sorry this has happened, but am relieved that you now have the truth. It makes me sick that you were kept in this marriage based on a LIE all these years. Sort of like a PET on a leash. With the facts, you can make informed decisions about your life for a change.

willing, I posted on this thread at it's beginning. I wanted to check on you and so just read the last several pages. First off, I am so sorry. I've posted here several times something our MC told H after d-day which applies to your H also. He told him that having an A was a terrible thing that he did to me. However, the cruelest thing was making me think I was going crazy for 9 months. Your H has been doing this to you for 4 years, and after knowing what the first d-day did to you. I personally would like to meet him at the door and slap the crap out of him.

As sorry as I am, I am also happy for you. Happy because you now know the truth. After d-day I couldn't eat, sleep, or function properly. And yet that was a million times better than how I felt during H's A. How you describe your H's treatment of you is exactly the way my H treated me.

I also am so proud of you for your amazing snooping abilities. I was an awful snooper. I remember when I found OW's love letters and copied them for evidence. I was shaking in my boots. I can't imagine installing a tracking device.

My one piece of advice is this. If there is even a remote chance that you might want your yucky H back, make him earn his way back. Take absolutely nothing less than absolute groveling committment and effort on his part. Then YOU can decide if you even want him. Sending you a great big hug! CV

He may have thought he could just call and see how she was doing and it took back off from there. It probably started back up around the time he started sleeping in the other room. But who knows.

Do you think he just still wanted the both of you or to stay only for the kids? Was the addiction too strong? Do you both meet some of his needs so is he just a cake eater? I don't expect answers...just pondering.

I am sorry you have to go through this. It will be interesting to find out what he has to say for himself once presented with the irrefutable evidence.

I'm curious about how much the GPS cost. You are one of the first ones here that I've heard about that used one. It sure beats driving all over town, like I did for 6 months.

Dear friend:

I am thinking of you. I am sorry that you had to find this. I know how long four years are.
You are right in the plans you are making now. It was heartless and cruel of your H to continue his A for so long. I don't think you have a chance to repair this M. Much more important: if it was me, I WOULDN'T want to repair anything. I'd be done with this man- for good.

I'll check on you again later. I'm having house guests this weekend.
Hugs,

I am in awe of all the support from everyone. Makes me feel not so alone in all of this. One minute I think I know exactly what I want to do....... the next minute I am secind guessing myself.

Funny thing..... I just returned from YS's basketball game. Many of you understand how hyper-sensitive you become after something like this. I could barely concentrate during the game - I was just looking at people. How couples treated each other, how single parents seemed to be OK, just random things like that. It is strange to look at my own life and know that it is going to be different soon. I am OK with that - I am just starting to worry about how I am going to get my kids through it. Tough stuff.

After the game, I drove over to my parents house. I decided that if God wanted me to tell them now, they would be home. They weren't. So, I guess it wasn't time. Sounds like many of you agree.

I don't know if the A has been going on all 4 years or it it stopped and restarted. However, I suspect it never stopped. He never seemed to want to try and salvage our marriage, never moved back into our bedroom, never agreed to go to counseling. Nothing. He obviously doesn't feel strongly enough for her to give up life with his kids, and doesn't feel strongly enough for me to give her up. I suspect when his affair with her becomes the reason he loses everything, that their relationship will eventually come to an end. I will NOT be waiting. Been there, done that, moving on.

Innocence - Yes, I do know where she lives. It is about a 30 minute drive out of town from here. I have gone out there on a few occassions to see if he was there and never found his car. I can tell from the GPS data that he is either parking somewhere else in the neighborhood or in her garage. It is very clear where he is, though. If I weren't trying so hard to trust him, I would have caught onto this a long time ago. I know, I know - I am a complete idiot for not finding this out earlier. But, I can't dwell on that now. I have to move ahead. I've done the best I can.

Believer, I paid $250.00 for the GPS on ebay and $25.00 for 2 day shipping. It is very, very easy to use. It is just a small black box that sticks under the bumper by magnet. It shows everything. Probably cheaper than a PI, and less risky than doing it yourself since it is hands off. I'll admit, I have been sick worrying that he would find it, but in reality I don't think he ever would. It is just my nature to think of the worst possible scenario - and it goes against everything that I believe in to spy on someone. In this case, though, I don't believe I had any other choice.

I have lots to do this weekend. Some photo clients are getting anxious for their pictures, so I have plenty to keep me busy. I guess I also need to start gathering bills and checking balances in bank accounts. I want to get everything in order and go ahead and move half of the $ into my own account. I can't stand to think that I am paying for half ov everything he spends this week!!! I am not sure how to do it, though, without him noticing anything. I'll have to think about that.

Should I tell him what I know face to face and ask him to leave? Should I tell him that he will be served with divorce papers on xxx day? Or, should I say nothing to him, change the locks one day when he leaves, and have him served with papers that day? That would be quite a wake up call? Honestly, I don't think I am brave enough to go that way - the really callous way - but part of me wants to. It pales in comparison to how he has treated me over these past 4 years.