2bwhole -
Based on what my attorney said, you are correct. The affair does not have much affect on custody. But, the more proof I have, the better my overall case will be.

I know - having a pattern of two weekends that he goes to see her on Friday night - plus maybe even a photo - would make a better case. But, right now, I don't know how I am going to keep this a secret and live with this b**[censored] for another week or two!!!

More importantly, how do I prepare to tell my kids that mom and dad are getting a divorce? THAT I dread.

Longhorn -
Bought one of those recorders this week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> My attorney told me the same thing - record the conversation where I expose. That will be the best evidence I can get.

I NEVER thought I would be going through this. NEVER.

Hang on to that GPS. I might want to buy it when you are done. I've thought for a long time that it would be so much easier to catch the cheaters with one. I made myself crazy driving all over town trying to prove WH was having an affair. What a nightmare!!!!

I think your best bet is to move half the money into your account, and then calmly confront him with the truth.

You CAN support yourself and your children, right?

Sorry to intrude - I usually just lurk.

If it was me I would have to have 2 plans in place. i would hope I could wait a week and do everything I wanted and have it all it place, but I don't think I could hold it together. I barely held it togethr in the 2 hours I had to wait between when I found out & WH got home. So maybe think about what you will do if you can't stand the stress, or if you get sick just looking at him when he gets home.

are you sure of where he went today, even? or if OW may be with him? Why would you not attend a funeral with your H even if it is a coworker or someone you did not know personally?

Also, is OW married? Once this comes out, prepare for any complacations that may cause (and that could get really complacated).

OW is supposedly either separated or divorced. That was 4 years ago. I do know that she lives by herself.

The funeral is for a childhood friend that I never knew. It is out of town - about an hour north of here in the city where WH grew up. I did find the obituary, so I believe that is where he went. Plus he took OS along to drop him off for a visit with Grandma. I stayed here with YS since he had a basketball game today.

Yes, I can support myself and kids. Not the same lifestyle that we have now, but we'll be fine. I am the primary income in our family. Probably another reason that WH has stayed. To be fair, though, he is a teacher and has more time to spend with the kids. That is more valuable than $$. Too bad he is throwing that away.

I think beenthere has a good idea. Develop a couple of plans, then you have some choices.

I forget, does OW have any kids? Is she working?

OW is a teacher at the same school as WH. She does not have any kids. I think she is quite a bit younger that WH and I.

It will be a good dose of reality for them to have more together than just the fun stuff. When he leaves his dirty clothes all over her house, spends all her $$, yells expicatives at her, and farts all the time...... well, I bet things won't be so rosy then.

He won't have me to come back to, though. Too late for that. I will not take leftovers.

Are you dead set against doing a Plan B?

He never seemed to want to try and salvage our marriage, never moved back into our bedroom, never agreed to go to counseling. Nothing. He obviously doesn't feel strongly enough for her to give up life with his kids, and doesn't feel strongly enough for me to give her up.

Waiting,
Isn't this the dilemma all people involved in affairs have? They have given up on their spouse and justify a secret second life. Consider dealing with this guy as a person who has neglected you and that's it. Let him know you want a marriage.
Cherished

W2W,

I'm glad you got the GPS. I found what I needed the first time I used it too. There are lots of wise ones here to advise you, but I might as well pitch in.

I've always prefered to
1) keep my options open and
2) work the odds.

Because you dont' share a bedroom, you've probably got a better chance of holding it in for a few days than some other people.

I agree that getting the confrontation recorded is an excellent way to get proof for legal reasons (if you need it). You might even use two recorders so that if one doesn't get a good recording or he finds one of them, you have a backup. You may need a few acting lessons, LOL.

You may not have thought of this, but since you are the primary breadwinner, you might have to pay him alimony. In many states, proof of an A greatly reduces the odds that the judge will order the betrayed spouse to pay alimony.

What I would try is - first if you can wait, do that - to have the time to gather more evidence. Second, when you confront him, don't tell him all you've got. If you can basicly jump down his throat with "You were at OW's house Friday night!!!" - and carefully dodge the questions about how you know, you might get him into confession mode (with audio recording). I would hold back on the GPS info to see if you can get him to confess without it. That way, you will still be able to your GPS on him later if you need to. If you do tell him about the GPS, never show him the unit or tell him what kind it is, or tell him how it works or where it is installed. If the gets his hands on it, he will probably smash it.

Make sure you back up the GPS data somewhere outside of your house - at a trusted friends place - or in the hands of your lawyer.

He could go bezerk and smash/steal your entire computer.

In general, get all of your evidence backed up off site.

If there are any special savings funds (college funds for the kids, for example), make sure you lock them down.

If there are any other liquidatable assets, figure out a way to prevent him from selling them (or sell them yourself).

If you can effectively password your computer, you might do that - if there is any chance he'll come snooping your email (trail of ebay stuff) and history (MB trail).

If you could hold on for a few months, you need to get him out of YS's room - since he may go for custody of YS based on a claim of some special relationship with him. Him being home more than you will work against you on custody. If he wins custody, you will have to pay him child support.

Of course, OW will not want the kids around, so he'll be in a tight spot if he tries for custody.

You are doing great! Knowledge is power! Hang in there.

-AD

Let the dust settle before making any permanent decisions. You don't know how you will feel in a few days.

I know it will be difficult to hold the information to yourself, I know I couldn't do that very well. Sure wish I had a GPS back then.

You are right. All BS's deal with the same issues that I am facing. I am no different from any of the rest of you. I hate that I am not willing to put more into salvaging this relationship by doing Plan B, but the reality is that I am not. My love bank is empty - in fact, it is in the red. I am horrified that WS has continued to do the most hurtful thing possible to me, knowing full well what it did to me through the past 4 years. He watched the pain last time - he knows how horrible it was.

I let myself trust this man again, after the horrible mess he made of our lives. The fact that he took that trust and continued to use it to betray me.....well, I cannot imagine getting over it a second time. Maybe I will feel differently down the road, and I am open to that, but right now I cannot imagine a happy life with him.

As my lawyer told me, a divorce is not final until it is final. Just because I file does not mean it is over. And, honestly, I don't think that WH will even believe that I am serious unless I take very drastic measures.

Plus, I have to find a way to get him out of the house. He has always contended that if we split, I should be the one to leave. I WILL NOT under these circumstances. My attorney told me that the only way that I can get him to leave (if he refuses on his own) is to file for divorce and petiton for the house in a temporary hearing. If that is what I have to do, I'll do it. I have lost 4 years of my life and gone through horrible emotional turmoil - I will not lose my home, too.

I feel for you W2W,

Yes, too many of us know the pain already. You will be strong enough. Now your strength will build. That's the way it was for me.

-AD

I did talk to my attorney about custody issues since that is my primary concern at this point. WH and I had always talked about joint custody, so that is what he will be expecting. However, on attorney's advice, I will seek primary physical custody of the kids. It could get messy. It is a bit of a hurdle to overcome the fact that he has more time available to spend with the kids, but not insurmountable according to her. I work standard 8-5 hours, and so she said that as long as I do not work alot of overtime during this, I should be OK. Honestly, I am willing to share time with the kids - I want him to pick them up from school, keep them in the summer, and have them on days off from school. But, I also think that it is in their best interest to have one parent as primary. I intend that to be me.

Seriously, do you think that a grown man will admit to a judge that he moved out of his wife's bedroom into his son's bedroom because he felt unfaithful to his mistress as a reason that he should get custody? I chuckle at how he will spin that one.....

I have had a very emotionally draining day. WH is home and I cannot even stand to look at him. He just grosses me out. I have no idea how I will survive another week, or two, or three knowing what he is doing.

My OS came in to kiss me goodnight a few minutes ago. He is so sweet and innocent. My heart is breaking knowing what is ahead for him. He is so intent on 'our family' and he will be totally crushed. I don't begin to know what to do to try and get him through this. If I thought what I went through was tough, I suspect it will be even worse trying to help my sons get through this. Another reason that I hate WH tonight.

I feel sorry for the kids. I know my daughter has already lost so much - and her life is now on a much lower trajectory than it would have been if her family had stayed together.

You ought to read
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce

It's a painful read about what happens to kids, but .... maybe there are a few hints in it that would help you protect them.

-AD

I wouldn't chuckle if I were you. His lawyer will advise him to say that the poor child cannot sleep without his father in the room and that anything less than full-time custody with the father would traumatize the child. And on top of that he might claim that you drove him out of the bedroom. While going for full custody, he might also claim that it would traumatize the children to move and since they need to be with their father, he needs to get the house too. He certainly won't suggest that it had anything to do with his relationship with another woman.

He might not do all that, but you need to be prepared for the worst.

-AD

I am terrified about hurting my kids - that is what has kept me here for so long.

Should the ramifications of divorce for my kids be enough to keep me in this relationship? I am losing my will to push ahead thinking and reading about the effects of divorce on children.....

WHY, WHY, WHY am I having to deal with this?!?!?! Why would GOD allow this to happen to my kids?!?!?!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

W2W,

All you can do is inform yourself and do the best you can for them. I don't think you can endure this forever. I couldn't either. You can hold off on reading that book - but maybe you can give it to your H after you file.

-AD

AD -

Are you trying to scare the cr*p out of me? I am not the wrongdooer here.......

Are you suggesting that I should suck it up and stay in this if I want to keep my kids?

I was 18 - almost to the day- when my parents finally divorced. Honestly, I wish they had done it earlier.

We were all tired of living the life of being miserable all day every day.

Kids pick up on so much more than we ever give them credit for. It may truly be a relief to them to get out of the tension

I am not saying go file on Monday, but I want you to know that you and your children can survive this.