ww, can I make a suggestion? Don't make any decisions until next week. You are, understandably, distraught and upset and will be able to think more clearly when you are rested. You don't have to make a decision about anything tonight. Or tomorrow.

No one is going to blame you if you decide to divorce. You would be fully within your rights, and above reproach if you did. That doesn't mean you shouldn't carefully consider all options - when you are RESTED and not so emotionally torn up.

I will say this, though, that you have much more to deal with here than do most folks that come here. This is really the SECOND D-day for you coupled with at least FOUR YEARS of lies and subterfuge. The long term lying has compounded the blow.

In fact, even Harley might suggest that you move on:

Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment from before you decide your plan of action:


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.

You don't have to make a decision tonight, WW. Please get some rest.

No No NO!

I'm not doing anything like that!! I'm so sorry that I gave you that impression.

All I'm saying is that you need to play this like a chess game - look ahead as far as you can and make the move that gives you get best possibilites in the future keeping in mind your H's likely moves.

Take hold of the reigns of power and control this situation. Know him better than he knows you. Anticipate his every possible reaction.

Honestly I think you should D him ASAP, with the caveat that you want to win - win primary custody - win distrubution of assets - win by avoiding having to pay alimony. Crush him and leave him penniless and emptynested.

And... when you face the post-D situation, of course you'll be figuring out how best to lead your children forward in life.


-AD

OK - you guys are right. My head hurts and my stomach is queasy. I want to just go crawl in bed with OS and hold him - but I won't. He needs his rest as much as I do and if I went in there he would sense that something is wrong. I'll stay in my own room and hug the dog. At least I am not alone.

I'm going to take one of my sleeping pills and get some rest. I teach Sunday School in the morning and those kids have a way of perking me up every week. I need to spend all day tomorrow editing wedding photos (ironic, huh?) for a bride who is picking up her photos this week. It will help to have something to do during the day anyway. I just hope I am able to concentrate! On Monday, I can decide what to do next. I think I will probably talk to my parents - my dad is my rock when it comes to tough decisions. I'll probably also go ahead and make an appt with my attorney and I'll get my things in order at home.

It seriously might be two to three weeks before I can expose to WH and end this nightmare (and begin another).

Thanks SO much for all the support. It is truly overwhelming. I would not have made it this far without all of you.

I WILL survive.

{{{{{Willing}}}}} My heart goes out to you! You are living in a nightmare right now, but you will wake up from it. You're H has held all the power in your R until now. You are gaining your own power back and now have the truth to help you make choices for yourself.

I know you don't want to hurt your children with a D. However, your H chose this path you are on. He broke the M vows, and apparently has done nothing in the past 4 yrs to restore those vows. You wrote:

"Should the ramifications of divorce for my kids be enough to keep me in this relationship? I am losing my will to push ahead thinking and reading about the effects of divorce on children....."

I would say no, you should not stay in this M for the children. If staying in this M sucks the life and joy out of you how will that help your children? If you end up Ding your H, if you can keep you children as safe as possible, they will learn courage, strength, and love from you.

Just curious! Does the school H and OW work at know of their A. I would think most schools would not condone an affair. But now-a-days, who knows? CV

You know, you have an ace in the hole doncha?

You ace is this
If he won't leave, contact OW and BEG her to take him into her home .... that would make their affair a lot more stressful.

and

would make your getting primary custody a near slam-dunk.

I was the one who recommended GPS on page 1 of this thread .... and I am asking you for a favor.

Would you begin a new thread just describing GPS ... a thread we could bump up for newbies in the future .... sort of a reference thread for GPS. What it cost you, how it was set up, how it worked, etc.

I don't think we have such a thread specifically discussing GPS.

Thanks

Good idea Pep. We need to get the skinny on the GPS. Going hi-tech like wtw did would sure save a lot of time and worry.

When he goes next Friday, get a PI to take some photos and be your witness. Hugs to you. You are not having a good life right now, but really, anything would be better than being treated like this. If he really loved his kids he would dump the OW. Enough...look yourself in the mirror and know you did all you could. He cannot say the same. He is defective...not you. Take a look at faithinme's posts. It will inspire you.

Willing, I agree with new jersey. If you can afford it, hire a PI. You don't need the additional trauma of trying to take pictures with everything else you are going through. HUGS! CV

Now, this is just me ....

before you tip your hand to your WH that he is sooooo busted and a can of whoopass is about to descend upon him ...

withdraw as much cash as you can

and put it somewhere

like with your parents

or in a safety deposit box

because you may need it for a rainy day

and you ought to beat HIM to it !!!!

If you want to, every day, go to the ATM and withdraw whatever the limit is .... and you "spend" it .... by placing it into your parents' hands

right now

your parents need to be on-board ... and instructed they need to run silent until WH is busted

Here is my fantasy :

and it may work too !!!!!

Once your parents and your best friend are all "on board"

and once you have collected all your evidence

and you have stockpiled cash

invite all of them to your house

confront WH in front of witnesses

because he is going to attack you verbally

and you'll need witnesses

make sure the kids are elsewhere

Ask a trusted family to invite your kids over for that nite....

I think this needs to be more of an intervention than a standard "You're busted"

that way

YOU are well protected by witnesses

D-Day #2 (letting WH see you have proof) and exposure to friends and family

simultaneously

this is MY opinion....

because this affair is not going to end without drastic measures

and I do mean drastic

4 YEARS

He is not going to just stop his affair if you do this in private .... asking for an "NC letter"

I'd bet on the affair continuing for another 4 years if you D-Day him just the 2 of you

This is what I suggest and would do myslef. This Friday when he goes to her house have someone babysit your sons. Pack all WH clothes and go to OW home. With recorder in your pocket -knock on her door. Go inside hand them the suitcases and say OK now I know everything and ask them what they have to say. Bingo everything on tape. You can go home alone and get rid of him right then. Give him the name of your attorney and have him served at her house.

This just makes me so mad. Oh yes advise on GPS would be greatly appreciated. I am so sorry for you, but I would start packing his stuff during this week. I just want to hit this guy -what an idiot. I would want nothing to do with someone like him ever.

Things have gone so far for so long .... any confrontation needs witnesses .... the tape recorder is OK .... but she needs PROTECTION of live bodies .... right there witnesses ... and more than one !!!

I feel convinced of this.

He may be so shocked and so angry he becomes physical.

so bring other people with her -they can carry the suitcases.

EGG ZAK LEE

Realtor*

I actually think your idea is brilliant

that way

he is already

OUT of the family home

and any broken dishes belong to OW

tread carefully...

You DO NOT want to a thing that jeopardizes your custody stand...

restraining orders
trespassing
etc...

answering domestic issue calls can be the most unpredictable and volatile calls to answer.....and they can not and must not take any of them lightly...so the truth is they really don't CARE who is right...
the want it de-escalated...

sorry but confronting at her place..jeopardizes you...

perhaps at a public place...
have all his stuff packed and ready to be shoved in his car or whatever....
take him
invite her...
then witnesses as well....

but not at the OP house...

ARK

Hi wtw,

I just read the past several pages since I posted to you last.Sorry things have not improved.But it's really no suprise given what you have been telling us.



This is good.I am glad you will tell your parents,they can be supportive and getting all your ducks in a row for the inevitable outcome is also good planning.I also agree with Pep: get as much money in your hands as you can.Don't even regret it for a second.After all that has been going on,you and the kids deserve whatever you can get.I emptied one account once and took all the money when things were looking very ugly.

In all honesty,if I were you the marriage would be over.Four years and now this is not something anyone should have to endure yet again but that is your choice.For some,there just is no going back.There has been too much pain,dishonesty and betrayal to keep on trying.Do what is right for YOU.

Regarding the children.I can really sympathize with how hard that issue is.Seeing the sad,broken faces on my girls when I told them what was going on(on their level) was truly horrifying and extremely upsetting.At that moment,I wanted to destroy my WH and OW like he did me and our family and hurting our kids for his "happiness" and the homewrecking trash he was with.

But,I will tell you what helped us: *I* stayed the same. The stability of one parent can mean the world to children who are scared and confused in a mess like this.I was there,I supported them,I hugged them and kissed them,we had many open conversations,I tried to stay rational and not overly emotional.If they saw me,"Mommy" losing it big time then they can feel really scared and abandoned.Try to keep it together if/when you have to explain things.The normalcy of the rest of their lives will be important.Then you can cope with the fact that there *may be a divorce and Dad will not be living with them anymore,etc.

Stay Strong!

We are here for you.

O

It is overwhelming to come back here today and see so much support. I wish I could give every one of you a huge hug.

Last night was awful. I could not sleep - just like the first D-Day. I feel like vomiting all the time. I am having a very, very, very hard time tolerating WH. I seriously don't know how long I can keep from telling him. Last night I made up an excuse to go to the store so I could get away. He just makes me sick.

On the outside, I am holding up fine. No tears, still. Kids think life is as usual. WH thinks I am mad about something, so I am trying to curtail my actions to not put him on further alert. It is unbelievably hard. Knowing that he thinks he is getting away with it is part of what is making me want to throw up. I want so bad for him to know that I am not going to take it anymore!!!! By keeping silent, I feel like I am willingly LETTING him continue to do this to me.

I do know this, the confrontation will be on MY terms. It will be at MY house, where I control who is there and what happens. I will not be alone, as I am afraid of what he might l do. He has a bad temper and I am a little concerned that he could get violent.

I will gladly start another thread about the GPS. I still can't believe that I did it - it is SO out of character for me. But, it was money very well spent and it was easy to do. It leaves no question in my mind about what is going on. It will probably be a bit later in the day before I get myself together enough to do it, but I promise that I will. Anything I can do to help someone else out of this same situation is something I am glad to contribute.

We want to give you a hug for bravery and intelligence! It does us proud to see a BS act so bravely. I am sorry this has happened, but happy that you got the truth about your own life.