I suggest that you take your kids and go somewhere for the day. I don't think you are going to be able to keep it all in.

Please don't do anything until you can get your money safe. WS's are notoriously mean when confronted. Don't be surprised if he gives you no money, and doesn't care if your kids starve.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> 2 funny..... now u have done good with the GPS and recorder....now practice your reverse babble and when you conforont him you will be able to keep your cool. Have a back up plan to help you ( a 3rd party, pinching yourself, keep something to help you regain your sanity nearby, twix candy bar, etc.).

U can do this. BTw, have you exposed the teacher at work yet?!?!?! Bad example.

L.

I will say this - I know that God is holding me thru this. After the first D-Day, I was a total wreck both inside and outside. I cried all the time. My kids always wondered why I was so sad. I hated it, but I could not control it.

This time, I am a mess on the inside, but God is holding me tightly together on the outside. My kids will see strength and stability and love from me - nothing else. As of today, they are my world. WH is not part of it anymore. Everything I do is for the three of us - ONLY the three of us. It will hurt them to go thru this now and I will be there to help them. I feel confident that they will be happier for it in the long run.

Can I tell you all again how totally scared I am? What if WH refuses to leave the house? According to my attorney, I will have to live here with him until we get a temporary hearing. That could be 3-6 weeks from the time I file. I don't think I can do that......... but, I have a better case if I stay home and keep the kids here, so I'll do what I have to. What a nightmare this is.

It makes me furious that I am going thru all this turmoil and WH thinks life is just hunky dory!!!! As usual - he makes a colossal mess and I have to dig out of it.

I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS!!!!!!

Yea but his 'hunky dorriness' is temporary at best.

U are making decisions to protect your family. I know you will survive it. U got guts, lady. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

take care,
L.

Have your dad move in with you .... seriously

you need another male around to protect you if WH refuses to leave

My brother is a single guy and he lives in town. I had thought about having him come and stay with me for awhile once I expose just to make sure that I don't get any unexpected visits or anything. I hate to put thim in the middle of this, but I can't do this alone. I learned that last time.

perfect!

and start removing CASH now

not check writing but cash withdrawl

This might be totally inappropriate and maybe my desire to give you a quick fix because I'm feeling your pain. But are you on any kind of AD or anti-anxiety meds? I remember before i knew the truth and was a total mess I talked to my doctor about getting on an AD. She told me if it will help me cope with the crisis to do it. I got on Lexapro which was really fast acting. Life still sucked, but it helped me cope with what I had to do. I also had her prescribe me sleep meds. If I would have thought of anti-anxiety I would have popped those babies too. Funny, because I'm not someone who was all gung ho on ADs before this.

If H ever did this to me again I'd pop whatever SSRI I could get a hold of cause I wouldn't have to worry about SF dysfunction. Anyway, sorry for my bad advise. Can I just please beat the crap out of your loser H? If I do it than ir won't reflect badly on you. Heck, I'll smack OW silly while I'm at it.

People are giving you such great advice. WSs can be nasty and storing up the money is important. At some point I would love to see you call the principle and tell her/him the ****** these 2 [censored] have put you and your family through. CV

Yes - I have a perscription for Lexapro. I had stopped taking it a few months ago, but I started again this week. I also have some sleep meds, and I need to take those, too. I have a stressful job and it is very important that I keep it considering all of this!

I am considering alling my dr. about some anti-anxiety meds for the short term. She helped me thru this the first time and I am sure she will be helpful to me again.

You know....... I never imagined it would be just as bad the second time around. I guess that is because I never thought I would be here again.

They have NO IDEA what they they have done to me and my kids!!! They are getting ready to see a side of me that they (and I) did not know existed. And, they will not like it.

Sad thing is, though, it will probably not hurt nearly as much as what they have done to me.

Keep WH off his guard until you launch the nuke

keep busy
exercise
call a friend

but do NOT fight with WH about anything

make no comments to him other than routine day to day

be emotionally neutral

too sweet, might draw suspicions

if you think he is getting suspicious, mention something off the wall like: "Do you think we could go somewhere with the kids for a week this Easter?"

W2W,
First of all {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} TO YOU.
I've just caught up on your thread and the worst of my fears seems to be inevitably true.
If you recall, I posted to you very early in this thread about your WH's continued contact with OW. I had read that your MC said it would be alright for continued contact as long as the A was over. That is what made the hairs on the back of neck stand up in the first place.

My very worst fear!!!!!
Your MC was very wrong for saying this would be OK. Dr. H is in complete opposition to this for a very good reason. As others have alluded to, he is a very smart man.
OK, so where do you go from here? Well, I've seen many a post telling you to dump him, etc. etc. That is your very own choice, for sure. Noone would fault you for that decision. It is true for sure, that you do not want this M as it now exists and I would also endorse this!
But the knowledge of your H's ongoing A is making it extremely difficult for you to be in a position to truly make any rational decision right now.
I'm sure I'll get 2x4'd a bit for this, however, your must keep in mind that the preponderance of people who populate this forum are BS's. I truly believe, that as a BS, we often carry a certain amount of residual anger of our very own FWS, that it often becomes very easy to to project this anger at another person's WS. That can be very damaging in light of the fact that this is a as opposed to a divorce forum.
My VHO at this point is to consider all the facets of Plan A including busting up the A and insisting on NC!!!!!
The game is not over. You still have a very real chance of ending this A, but not making the same mistakes you made and accepted the first time around. You still, IMO, have a real chance to actually begin again and salvage this M, if you choose to do so. If you do ultimately choose to try this, at least you will know you that you have done everything possible to save your M and the unhappiness that your children wiil surely have to endure. I'm just saying, IMVHO, there is still a chance. It is obviously your choice. But do not make any decisions at this point, as you are emotionally wrecked and need a chance to reflect as to what you really want.
Take the time to consider exactly what you want and pursue that, with the help of God. Do not make the decision without His guidance and counsel.
All Blessings,
Jerry

wtw,

Just in summary: most longtimers here do not say "dump the bum".There may be a few who do but each case is different.But for you,IMO,going back to this man after all is said and done is like getting on a plane with only one wing after you already have been through a plane crash the first time and made it out alive.YOU have to decide if you want to take that risk.And it is a risk: heart,mind,soul,wellbeing.

There are also those people here who see an indefinite "hope" with every situation even though the obvious is quite apparent.Your WH has done nothing to show you he is being supportive,loving or caring.After 4 years.Just because one is a BS doesn't mean we aren't intelligent and aware of what is going on.Many of us are BS's but long past the severe pain and can see straight and give good,supportive advice based on our own experiences.

In all my years here I haven't seen anyone say, "You need to divorce" but rather try to be supportive in breaking away from perpetual destructive,hurtful and toxic spouses and situations.

This isn't a 2x4 for Jerry but rather a rebuttal to his post.I do agree though that taking time to feel secure in what you want to do is necessary.Make sure you are clear about the decision you make.Proceed accordingly.

Hang in there.YOU are in the drivers seat.

O

Well, I went over and told my parents everything. I didn't want them to be caught by suprise when things happen. They are so supportive of me and we are very close - partly due to my experience with the first A.

Anyway, there is really nothing for them to do but just 'be there' for me right now. After talking with them, I have decided that I am going to go ahead and make the appt with my attorney this week, show her what I have, and get her advice on my next step. That is, provided I am able to keep my mouth shut that long.

I believe that WH has his radar up. I am trying SO hard not to let my emotions get the best of me, but I knwo that he can sense something is wrong. He was suspicious when I left the house this afternoon. He keeps asking me what is wrong. I am doing the best I can to play along like I am just frustrated with the work I am doing today.

I refuse to feel like the one who has something to hide here. If he does catch on to what I know, my plans will not change. I have support in place and can call someone in the event that things blow up before I am ready. Now, I just need to concentrate on getting my things in order and seeing my attorney.

If I have something to focus on, I can get through.

My dad doesn't know it, but I saw his tears. It horrifies me that I had to give my dad news that hurt him so terribly. The hurt from WH's affair extends well past me - I wonder if he will EVER realize how many people he has deeply hurt by his choices?

Hi Ogirl,
I'll take what you said a a 1x1 as opposed to a 2x4 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />.
You said;
All I'm saying IMVHO, is it doesn't always have to be this way. There are other options, IF the WS is truly Godly sorrowful. It Happens many times and I don't want W2W to dicount that as a possible senerio.
We, as a community, should not overlook the fact that Her M may still be salvageable at this point. I simply don't want any of us to declare that her M is not salvageable. Miracles, still happen and it seems she needs that, but we cannot judge that at this point in time. To do otherwise would be to inject our somewhat predjudiced opioned that it could not be saved.
I just think it is way beyond our judgement.
W2W, you will know when your heart has been spoken to. It will probably NOT come from us, but a much higher power. I simply wanted to emphasize this point.
All Blessings,
Jerry

I agree with Shinethrough. We don't know what will happen yet. My H had a 4 yr A that had a few false recoveries in there. Then after that A ended, he had another a couple of years after that.

We have a totally different, great marriage today. He is a different man. Miracles can happen. People can change. But had he not...well, we wouldn't be where we are today. Time will tell.

Meanwhile, W2W, get all your ducks in a row as though you are totally willing to move on and leave him. It is great you have the support of your parents.

bump

W2W,

I'll take ShineThrough's words to heart - and actually I was thinking of coming back here and posting in a slightly softer tone.

Only you know when you really are finished. And... if, as you say, your H is a good dad, only you can say what kind of custody/visitation arrangment would work best for your children. In my case, many people here said I should go for full custody, but I didn't think that was in the best interest of my child.

I was able to agree with my XW on what is called in my state an "uncontested" divorce (your state may have something similar). This saved much pain, struggle, time and money - and I think protected our child from needlessly being the focal point of a big battle. I got a visitation schedule I could live with - as well as a reasonable division of property. Lawyers make money on disputes, but if you do decide to D, and can agree on an acceptible custody plan and division of assets it would certainly be easier on all - and cheaper too - than fighting it out with the big legal guns.

And... I was using GPS for more than two months before I actually moved out and got the D in motion.

-AD

((((W2W))))
I've been away from the computer for a couple days...just caught up on your thread. I am so sorry but so glad you got the information. YOU are in the drivers seat...you can see right thru his stories and manipulations. You've been getting lots of great advice. But I'd like to add my support and my 2cents. I'd get more evidence next Friday, by 3rd party confirmation PI w/ photos. Confront him with the knowledge you know A continues and that you want him out...I think the idea of witnesses is good. Then take some time to decide what you want. If he leaves you don't need to rush to D. Give yourself some breathing room.

OMG 4 years of trying and hoping and praying. {{{{W2W}}}}

Time is on your side and now that you know the truth you have control. Knowledge is power. You are stronger than you know. You didn't deserve this.

As most of you know..... the nights are horrible. I felt live I was reliving a nightmare last night. The dreams, the restless sleep, waking up often. Many of you know what it is like.

I actually felt some peace after talking to my parents. It is like I was able to share some of the burden and confirm that I am not going out of my mind.

I really appreciate all the encouragement from both sides of the fence. Right now, my mind is set on seeing my attorney and making steps to file for divorce. I honestly think it will take action that drastic for WH to even take me seriously. After that...... well, I have not thought that far. My only concern past the point of exposure is for my kids.

I am an open-minded person and that will never change. I see the best in people - probably part of what got me to this point. My attorney told me that only about half of the people who file for divorce actually ever finalize it. So, there is room for change. Filing does not mean anything is final. However, at this point, I am not willing to put anything else on the line for this relationship. Maybe after some time away from the relationship and living on my own with my kids, I will change my mind. Maybe not. I can only deal with one thing at a time. I have played with the pistols and lost. Now, the only way to change anything is to bring out the big guns.

Funny thing is........ if any of you knew me, you would be totally floored that I have even done any of this! I am a totally mild-mannered person who is scared of everything. My mom and I actually chuckled today when I reminded her that she had trouble with me when I was in the first grade because I was afraid to tell the teacher that I needed to go to the bathroom. Now look at me......using a GPS to track my cheating husband and consulting an attorney about filing for divorce. Yikes!!!!