Looking up



not even close to true

LookingUp, what an absolutely deliciously evil little plan. I really kind of like it. I really do appreciate all the FWSs here on MB that I have come to admire. However, I can't stand active, deceiptful WSs. I want to kick Mr. WTW's big butt right to the curb.

Keep your humor WTW! In the days when I was living with my foggy H MB was my command central. I'd go to the generals here for my next move. Some of the same generals are helping you out today. Stay strong! The only one your H has on his battlefield is the fogged out OW. They are both on the dark side. The Force is with you honey! CV

I've never witnessed differently. If I gather correctly, Mr. H had an affair 4 years ago, said it was over, now is back at it.

Sounds to me like he is still a cheater. Maybe I shouldn't be so harsh. In some cases cheaters stop cheating. But IMVHO I tend to think that they are always guilty, even if it was "only" once. I give those who stop cheating a ton of credit. I don't think, however, that there are very many of those people.

The damage is done.

Where did you put the GPS and report?

I have thought about this and consulted my two trusted friends. What I feel like right now is that regardless of what is ahead, WH and I need to separate for awhile.

What I feel like telling him at some point is that I am taking steps to file for Divorce. I will be paying my attorney a retainer fee of $xxx. If he will agree to move out, he can take that $$ and use it to get set up in another place. If he will do that, I will agree to go to a MC with him. No promises for the future.... we'll just take one day at a time. However, if he will not agree to move out, I am going to use the $$ and proceed with filing for divorce and I will be asking to stay in the house. Either way, he needs to go.

I guess his response to that will tell me how serious he is about wanting to work things out.

Thoughts?

I am not sure WHEN this conversation would happen. He is obviously in 'talking' mode right now and must be feeling pretty guilty. I want to tell him that he MUST get everything out on the table or I will walk away. If he doesn't have the guts to admit to me that he has still been having an affair, I guess I have my answer.

he must agree to get IC and in time for MC. I would make sure taht is a given. He is the one who has kept this A going for 4 yrs and decieved you daily about it. He needs to find out what lacks within himself and fix those things. Before MC.

Willing:

Your plan doesn't really fly with MB principles, especially regarding working on the marriage while separated. I'm not saying you have to follow MB, but you are here, right? Do you support the MB principles? If you do, you should maybe read some of the infidelity articles on this site again and plan a and plan b.

I don't really care for the "stick it to him" attitude that some people here are advocating. He is a liar and a cheater but I'm not sure you would feel good about yourself (and with regard to your kids) if you did something rash and later came to regret it.

If he gets another chance, you definitely have to set some ground rules about recovery, accountability, etc.

If he is trying to turn over a new leaf, you will know right away, I'm sure of it. His new behaviors will have to be consistent and frankly, I'm not sure he can do it.

Just don't make any quick decisions.

Em

I would suggest that he speak with a pro-marriage counselor. The best would be telephone counseling with Steve Harley. First alone and then together.

Continue with your plans to DV leaving open the possibility for a complete turn a round.

I don't believe that saying...'once a cheater always a cheater'...or 'a leopard doesn't change his spots'...Men and women aren't leopards. We have all known folks here who have changed...because they were ready and wanted it badly enough.

But, as others have said...this all has to come from within him...you can not do it for him. You should know real remorse and repentance by now.

Time will tell.

Just be cautious wtw.Many of us have been through "false recoveries" before only to find out it was all a sham,their proposed "I have seen the light" statements.Yes it would be great if he really has made some extraordinary change all of a sudden <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> but keep your guard up.See what happens.


O

Let's face it, he knows what he is up to and he knows your behavior has changed. He knows. He isn't sure, but he knows something is up. My advice is to see an attorney still, put money on the side, close joint accounts. As for where he lives, this is tough. He will do whatever he can to keep you both. You know this, you want to push this man off the fence. It is up to you, yes, he could still live there for now, he is in another room after all, but I would continue moving foward with the separation. He would love to keep both of you, remember that. In his mind, he has two lives. He has been having the best of both worlds.

I am very pro marriage and so I tend to be a little soft, but in this case, you need to set boundaries with specific limits...no working with OW, no contact ever, IC and MC. You have lost 4 years here while he had a great time. Only you know your situation, but I think he needs a major time out. Let him know what life would be like without you..a serious plan b. If you love someone, set them free. If he really loves his family, he will fight to keep you. If not, you won't waste time. I believe that this marriage could be saved once he hits bottom and you no longer allow him to get away with it (enable him). Let him meet the consequences of his actions now. He needs to or IMHO your marriage will cycle into this again and he'll contact her again when things quiet down. You need to set the rules. It really is a plan b.

Looking up, stick around, you've got a great deal to learn. It is not so simple. Sometimes they make only one mistake and never do it again.

Call me cynical, but I find it extremely hard to believe that after going to "poker" games every Friday, that he has suddenly "seen the light", 2 days after she got the GPS to catch him.

listen

don't talk

don't share

don't spill your plan

simply listen without comment

if he presses for comment

say:

"Let me have more time to process everything you've said."

and start getting cash out

I agree B which is why it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

I don't think he's had some epiphany where he now sees what he is about to lose.I think the jig is up and now he is backpedaling or something went wrong with the homewrecking OW,etc.Who knows.

O

I am 100% onboard with Believer.... remove cash and don't talk recovery with this man

just LISTEN

nothing more

I agree that his behavior is very suspicious. The timing....

-maybe OW forced him into making a choice... maybe he got dumped? maybe he choose you? Could be lots of very reasonable explanation beyond timing of the funeral.

However, NONE OF THEM MATTER. What matters is his actions up til now. What matters are his actions from here on out. I wouldn't really listen to him other than ask him to write down his intentions, and then to check up on his progress on his list. I would also write up a list of your own of conditions you need met for you to consider reconciling the marriage. I would NOT stop the process. I think to stop it now shows that he can talk his way out of a situation. I think that by investing financially $5k now, you would still win by demonstrating you are serious, even if he is not.

And, ask anyone who is divoriced, $5k is cheap compared to the actual cost of being divoriced. It would be easy money to throw away, at the sake of saving the marriage, especially with children involved.

be very careful -this man lied to you before and carried on an A for 4 more yrs without letting you catch on. I would not believe that he all of a sudden saw the light either. Do what Belive and Pep have said - see an attorney.

It has been very surreal this afternoon.......

WH called me while I was on my lunch break. Long conversation, but the gist of it was that he insisted that he is sorry for how he has been living his life and that he wants to change. He started talking at one point about how he does not even have any friends anymore, to which I replied, "What about your poker buddies?" He wavered, I pushed a litter further, and he finally admitted the affair to me. He told me that he ended it yesterday over the phone. I replied that I was sure one phone call would not end a 5 year relationship. Plus, what was he planning to do when he goes back to school tomorrow? He just kept telling me that he was going to change and that he wanted me to trust him. I cannot.

That is about where we are at. I told him that I am not sure that I love him and that I don't know what I want. He is very weepy and desperate. He told me that he took a big risk by telling me about the affair, and I responded by saying that he was already aware that I knew. He actually argued with me - he insists that I did not know!!! Whatever.

I have not told him yet that my parents know all about this, not have I mentioned my appointment with my attorney. The time was not right. He has been trying to call me ever since I got back, but I have not answered his calls. I have a job to concentrate on. I waited 4 years.... he can wait until I get home!

Is there a chance he could be reading here?

I believe mine is reading here and maybe getting help under a name I do not know. If he is GREAT. But if he is reading to find out things and not to get help then OH OH.

Now at his school can they look things up on computers? Would he know your screen name?

Or could someone ele be doing this for him -such as OW? Something I fear.