You ROCK!

It sounds like you have a very good counselor.

You really sound good, all things considered.

I know you will recover whether or not you decide to stay in the marriage. I think you know this now too.

(((((WTW2)))))

You are starting on the road to rest of your life right now. Whatever direction that takes, it is better than the limbo h*11 you have lived through the past 4 years.

The grieving process is just beginning for you. Anger, resentment, sorrow - they will all have their places to help you heal.

Relationships can change. Mine has. I wish I could show a video of how our M was 5 or 6 years ago, then one of what it is like today. It is like night and day. Our basic personalities have not changed, but we have each dealt with our demons and come through with not only the willingness, but the desire to be a couple in every sense of that word.

I don't know if the same will hold true for you and your H. Given his current state, I hope it will. I hate to see anyone lost, and I'm afraid your H will be lost if he can't commit to deal with his issues this time.

Anyway, this is much longer than I intended. IF you decide to try to recover your M, I would once again encourage you to post some on the recovery board (as well as here, if you want), where the focus is on rebuilding the M after the A has ended, with 2 committed partners.

I'll keep you both in my prayers.

She sure does. Willingtowait, you are a remarkable woman.

Just wanted to ask again what you know about this. To me, it seems an important part of the whole picture. If you addressed this earlier and I missed it, I'm sorry.





I agree with your counselor and all the others that said you are blocking the feelings. It's purely adrenaline and you can't run on that forever! It sure helps to get through the days though, doesn't it?

W2W,

It is good your MC recognizes LTAs are different, and not just in duration.

There are a lot of similarities in our situations. Things seemed different with FWW after D-Day 2 compared to D-Day 1 too.

I had the same misgivings you do now. If FWW could cover up so well for so long, and I was so easy to fool for so long what makes the ultimate outcome any more predictable?

It is all on your H to demonstrate true and lasting change now. But I offer some experience for you to consider:

Now you know the truth, at least in outline. Now you can choose, and you need not be in a hurry to do it either.

Six months may not be enough time for your H to prove lasting, deep changes in himself and how he treats you and your marriage. LTAs change the WS in fundamental ways. Significant personality changes occur to a WS in an A for that long. These personal characteristics are not quite the same as serial cheaters or SA spouses possess. But they are as hard to change and the changes take longer than six months to mature.

Your best bet is to watch and wait. IMO, the better gauge is to evaluate how much strenuous effort he is putting into his moral and spiritual growth for those six months and then see how well it takes root for another six months.

Be prepared for broken NC. It will happen. That long of a relationship causes huge withdrawal. FWW fell off the NC wagon a number of times the first six months. But she climbed back on each time. Broken NC with email was not a deal breaker for me as long as she tried harder after each time.

Interfere in the LTA from the OW end as much as you can. She is not going to give up the LTA any easier than WH will. I recommend nuclear exposure. In my case, confronting OM threw a big monkey wrench in the LTA. But this takes nerves of steel and a realization you have nothing to loose.

As JL told me more than once, all you need to agree to at the moment is to try to recover. You have at least as long as the LTA lasted to make a final decision one way or the other. Be sure to tell him this, too. Lay it all on the table with MC help. No need to keep a hole card any more (well, except for your sources and methods, such as the GPS. Keep that to yourself.)

I do not recommend separating during this time. If you separate, you will not be able to accurately gauge his changes, if any. You will not be able to detect NC as well either. But, IMO, separating for a while is better than punishing him. You will make no progress if your anger is uncontrollable every time you look at him.

Lastly,

“Oh, don’t forget that I am pretty much standing in a fire right now, so staying where I am is not an option either.

Anyone else been here before? (add sarcasm to that statement)”

Look at it this way. You are standing amid smoking ruins. Your feet may be getting hot, but there is no longer an open flame that will burn you. Your H OTOH is immersed in boiling oil. If he wants to survive he will have to climb out of the vat. How much of a hand you give him, and when you offer that hand, is entirely up to you now.

Added: But don't reach over and turn the temperature control down for him either.

With prayers,

OW....... I have not talked to her, nor do I want to at this point. WH indicated that she is upset that the relationship ended, but that they both realized it had to. When I asked him about her, WH told me that he feels sorry that she got hurt by all this, but that he does not feel love for her. He said he hopes that she is able to find someone to share her life with and is happy at some point.

That is really all I wanted to hear about so far. I know I will want more as time goes on, but right now I can only take it in small doses.

OK. But, I still recommend exposure on her end, if you can manage it and if she has people to expose to (like superiors at work).

I suppose I sound like a broken record, but LTAs reignite at an alarming rate. Exposure even after the current phase of the LTA has ended (claimed to be ended, in reality) is very strong insurance.

And if WH resents any exposure on her end? Well, that’s a data point for you to record in itself.

Just a suggestion...I defer to others with more experience. I just thought a separation would give WTW a little space to heal and protect any further withdrawls from love bank, to be sure WH will invest in "true" recovery instead of a "false" recovery.

WTW...it seems your IC is on the money. I feel your pain...its been almost a year since my D-Day w/ no real recovery in sight...the thought of this lasting 3 more years, I can't even imagine.

IMHO, I don't like this attitude. After months of using hysterics, suicide threats, and pathetic begging to keep my FWH active in the affair, FWH broke it off anyway. The first couple of contacts following the break-up (emails and calls to his office) were successful on OW part -(i.e., he responded) because of his feeling sorry because he hurt her.

This still annoys me. I made sure he understood in no uncertain terms that her discomfort and unhappiness in the sitch were HER OWN DOING. She chose to become involved with a MM. SHe gambled that she would be able to convince him to leave me for a life with her. He chose to become involved with her with no intention of leaving me. The only one who never had a choice was me! He felt horrible guilt for hurting me, and further guilt for hurting her as well, but I guarantee she didn't care one bit about what the affair did to me.

What my FWH figured out over a fairly short time once NC was in place was that she had soundly manipulated him. Initially, she manipulated him into the affair, and once he was in, she manipulated him to remain in. It was very difficult for him to deal with both the shame of having hurt me and the shame that OW had been in control of him for so long. As he analysed her behavior from afar, all pity and compassion disappeared quickly.

I agree with the others here. You must expose her now to the school and your husband must change jobs. If they still work in the same school, there will be contact.

WHO

All of our minute details that form our experiences my differ somewhat. Not all WH or WW react the same as they end their A's.

I wonder if there are differences in how men and women respond when they go through withdrawal or if the differences I'm reading about here are just as different as we all are as individuals as opposed to by sex.

Maybe there are just certain kinds of people that we each would tend to not tolerate as much as we would others. Kind of like those wife swap type shows. We all have our idiosyncrasies, both positive and negative. We all seem to project from our own experiences.

I do agree Trix.
As we all read the posts here, I think certain statements ignite memories of details of our own situations -- and we all chime in with what we would do, or what happened in our situation!
But it's true, even though it all boils down to infidelity, every A is different in the dynamics of it all. Just as different as we are as people, male or female.

Suzy

It is an interesting study of humanity here at MB, that is for sure. I keep learning...

I bought a few new books last night...... just felt like I needed to read some more material. I bought The Monogamy Myth and Surviving Infidelity .

I already have all of Harley's books, Torn Asunder, Private Lies, Love Must be Tough, and After the Affair.

Are there others that anyone would suggest? I just feel the need to know everything that I possibly can.....

One of my favorites is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". But it sounds like you have read enough.

OW = volunteer --- NOT victim

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6080_buyer.html

GREAT BOOK !!!!

One of my new favs

Dear WTW:

you are in a frenzy of activity right now. Reading more books will not bring you the insights that you are looking for. All the answers are already inside of you. I would suggest that you slow down. Slow down a lot...

Take a moment and stop. Just try to open your mind and stop the facts from spinning around you. Take a walk in the park alone by yourself. Sit on a bench in the winter sun and try to find your balance again.

You have to deal with so much right now. Take it in little steps. Reflect on your thoughts and feelings. Allow yourself time away from your daily hectic schedule to do this. It is all about you right now.

You are in my thoughts.

Hugs,

You will not find much about LTAs in any of the books you have.

I really do recommend at least one session with SH or Penny Tupy of SYMC (aka: Cerri on MB, and Harley trained). You need information and advice you will not find on these forums, nor in these books, to deal with an adultery that has been going on for more than twice as long as the typical run-of-the-mill two-year A and has every indication of continuing in background until your children grow up and move away, and then some.

They helped me - not just in how to break up the A but how to recover from it. I lost over ten years of my life and half my M to an LTA. I did not think it possible to recover anything, M or personal. I did not think my W could ever be reclaimed from her personality issues and the unethical person she had become over such a long time, living such an all-encompassing double life. Believe me, LTAs are not just an extraordinary A, they have become a normalised lifestyle for the WS.

The various posts about all A's and the way they are handled by WS and BS being unique are true, in general. However, there are certain kinds of A's that bunch up, for the lack of a better word, in the way they pan out.

We have all read about the WS handbook, right? They act so similar, robotic almost.

We have all seen the similarities in foggese, right? They have such predictable scripts even though the nouns and objects may vary.

One cannot read on MB for more than a month or so before noticing how it all tends to endlessly repeat itself, right?

On top of this, certain As are somewhat tightly constrained wrt the personalities of the WS and the OP. Certain As evolve, no matter how they started, into settled lifestyles that when examined in detail show very little dispersion in how they were conducted and the basic attitude and personality of the WS. LTA’s are one of these categories.

There is information you need about what to expect from WH and OW (a lot more lies and subterfuge and stonewalling and broken NC) but mostly about what to expect from yourself. LTAs take a long time to recover from, whether you D or not. Just think of the resentment you will carry from multiple D-Days and the years and years of lies and emotional abuse fed to you so the A could remain uninterrupted.

LTAs require a lot more personal effort and a lot more time to get past than the two-year standard for garden variety adultery.

Talk to an expert, not just forum members about this.

With prayers,

WTW,

Agree with Iceprincess. Go ahead and take your time. FWH has had four years of HIS time. Now is YOUR time so enjoy being the one who gets to decide....finally.

Who