I haven't begun a post here for YEARS. But now that MB has this forum, I think it would be a really good idea to talk about what it takes to be a second wife or husband.

I have been married to my second H for 4.5 years. It has been a learning experience, for sure. I suspect that others who have been married more than once will have a lot to add to this discussion. My hope is that it helps to clarify what joys and tribulations come to those who want to marry again BEFORE you take the step.

Also, I suspect that moms and dads would like the second spouse to know a few things, too. All are welcome to respond, of course.

So, I'll begin:

If there are children (especially minors) from the prior marriage (both spouses), they always come first. That does not mean that you, as a second spouse, will be disrespected, ignored, or that your needs won't be met. It doesn't mean that a second spouse must live in poverty while the children of the first marriage live in wealth. I know this sometimes happens, but that's not what I'm talking about. In our case, we're struggling big-time, but it's because I can't seem to find a job in my field (so I'm working a temp part-time job)... it is NOT because my H pays child support. If we had more, his children would get more, because they are HIS responsibility as much as their mother's. My children are adults, and while I would LOVE to help them financially, I cannot. If I had it, they would have it, too, because they are MY responsibility as much as their father's. It will be this way as long as all of us live.

The other parent will be in your spouse's life as long as there are children. Being jealous or territorial will not help, and will in fact hurt. The first spouse is NOT an OW or OM and shouldn't be treated as such. I understand that there are sometimes SEVERE problems between the ex's, but that's not what I'm talking about. It is a general statement.

In my case, I still talk to my ex about once a month or so, mostly about our adult children but also we just catch up on stuff. Last year, he was a pall bearer at my grandmother's funeral. I would have it no other way, as he was very close to her for 20+ years. I am thankful for the good relationship we have. It does present problems at times, because he isn't remarried and occasionally trips down memory lane. But for the most part, I feel blessed by our continued 'friendship' (I don't know what else to call it).

What other things can you think of that you would put on a list if you were talking to someone considering becoming a second spouse? I know you guys are smart and willing to help... I think this would be a great opportunity to reach out and offer ideas and support.

uh....I agree with all you're saying except one huuge thing.

MY XH'S PRESENT WIFE...IS WILL ALWAYS AND SHALL FOREVER BE TO ME AND TO MY DS

THE
OTHER
WOMAN.

Oh, and by the way, I think being a second wife was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. I thought being a step-mom would come easy. I thought that balancing two/three families would be difficult, but not as heart-wrenchingly difficult as it has been.

With so many divorces, remarriages and blended families, there must be some ways to make a more gentle transition... but I don't know what that looks like... not in my situation. I'd like to hear from those who were able to do that, too.

peachy, you've got it backwards from what I'm saying... THE FIRST WIFE IS NEVER THE OW... that's what I meant.

And actually peachy, you would be a good one to discuss what you EXPECT from a potential mate, should you choose to marry again. <nudge, nudge>

I disagree. I believe that children need to see their parents in a successful marriage, even if the successful marriage is a second one. They will learn how to be successfully married from this example. If the marriage comes second, then the new family may fall apart. No kid needs to go through two or more divorces. A happy marriage is my #1 priority. That is why I am on MB. I owe it to my children.

We have blended well. Granted, Hubby's XW is not in the picture at all, so I don't have to deal with that relationship in any way. I do, however, share custody of my two children with my XH and his OWW (other woman wife -- our marriage ended over multiple affairs; he married #4... of 5). The relationship that Hubby and I share with XH and his OWW is a "professional" one.

There are people I work with that I don't like or respect on a personal level, but we still do good work together. This is how I treat my shared parenting role, too.

My kids have four parents. We see each other several times per week as we are passing the kids off and get together to meet -- veiled in a social gathering -- about parenting decisions.

Holding anger over the breakup of your marriage and XS's re-marriage to OW/OM does two things. #1--Hubby told me it made him feel that I really wanted XH back instead of him and #2--it interferes with the business of raising happy, healthy kids.


Mrs. W8ing

Hi NB!

You didn't *nudge* me, but I'm going to add my 2 cents worth here, anyways. I can't comment as a parent because I have no children but I was married for 8.5 years and I am remarried.

My first H isn't a HUGE part of my life now, but we see each other about 4 or 5 times a year. We're never alone together (although considering that he's gay, it wouldn't be a problem if we were) and my current H isn't at all jealous of him.

Although my marriage couldn't have been saved, I think many people who are involved in my everyday life forget that I loved my ex-H, regardless of the revelation of his homosexuality during the later stages of our marriage. I find that my parents and close friends tend to make fun of my ex-H and say TERRIBLE things about him. They don't realize that I'm hurt by these comments because to me, my ex-H wasn't a bad man. Even when we decided to separate, I couldn't say that I didn't love him. It was the equivalent of loving someone you could never have--I had to get over the feeling that our marriage was OVER and I didn't have the benefit of HATING him, like most people....

As far as my new marriage is concerned, I'm happy to say that I fully healed myself before I married again. I didn't bring ANY of the issues of my first marriage to this one and I think our relationship is stronger because of that. You can imagine the sexual problems I had with my ex-H, not knowing that he was gay for almost 8 years. I was constantly in a state of confusion, trying to change myself and wondering why he wasn't attracted to me. I had to spend a lot of money on therapy, but because of the therapy I had, my current Husband doesn't have to deal with any self-esteem issues on my part.

I view my new marriage as a re-birth. I seldom compare my Husbands because one of them couldn't help that he was gay and the other doesn't deserved to be compared, just because I happened to be married before. It just isn't fair to either one of them. I consider my marriage something beautiful and I'm glad I met someone who meets my needs so fully....there's no need to dwell on the past and confirm that I'm happier NOW....

It's so important to slow down when you separate and concentrate on yourself. I was the ONLY one of my friends who was separated and I can tell you that I was alienated by them, but that didn't stop me from enjoying my single life. I really took the time to think about my situation and decide how I would improve on a second marriage (MB REALLY helped me in that sense). I've heard of people who try to re-live their youth after a separation--I did none of that. I married because I wasn't interested in partying any longer--being separated didn't change that dynamic. I went on with my daily life and proved to myself that I could function with or without a partner.

NB--you have some great points in your post. When a couple has children, it may seen unfair that they have a forever tie to their ex, but that's the unfortunate reality of the situation. As far as I'm concerned, making that situation WORSE by using the children as bargaining tools will only blow up in your face later. I saw this happen with my Aunt...by the time her children were teenagers, they were openly telling her to STOP running down their Father. It's pretty SAD when your children have the intelligence to know your behaviour is counter-productive.

I think if more people understood the importance of the points that you've made, we'd have less strife in blended families and in second marriages. It takes a VERY solid person to accept a blended family and make it work--that can only happen if the person is aware of the challenge that lies ahead...

These are both important points. I'll address them from the point of sharing custody, since that's my scenario.

The fact that my XH had multiple affairs is not my children's fault. They love him. He is a pretty good dad. Always was. XH dad is not a bad man. (He was a very bad husband to me.) I stand up for him when my family, Hubby or friends run him down behind his back ESPECIALLY if there is any chance they'll say those things in front of our kids.

Ops, it all disappeared <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> & I don't want to re-write. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> I'll just say I'm looking forward to finding out how people have handled remarriage & how the kids have impacted the marriage.

Let me say it this way, and see if we can come to an agreement (tho it isn't necessary)... a hypothetical example: If my H's son needed braces and my H wanted to give $1,000 towards it but I didn't want him to do that, I would expect my H to make a decision that will benefit the child, not me. I know a POJA should be used, but say we can't come to an agreement. The needs of the child come first.

I agree that strong marriages build strong families - totally. I also agree that children need that foundation. And believe me, when I posted here before, one of the reasons I felt really uncomfortable was because I believed exactly as you do and got blasted quite nicely for my beliefs. I have since come to realize that a strong marriage can be built WHILE putting the children first. Maybe it's a semantics thing... because I am trying to hold the "marriage and family" as a whole.


No argument there.


That's WONDERFUL.


TOTALLY understandable.

I'll get to your other post in a minute... I'm going down the responses and responding. Thank you so much for your thoughtful message.

Hi back atcha, aeri!


Wow. You know, I could say many of the same things about my ex-H, though he isn't gay. I loved him when we divorced, he isn't a bad man, and my family (though they are kind and invite him to family gatherings, etc.) do say some things that are... not-so-nice, sometimes.

Loving someone you can't have... also rings true. I could have my ex, but so did a few other women.

I am not making light of your situation... which would be HEARTWRENCHING. Obviously, it was!


Well, it's absolutely no secret that I did the opposite. Bad me. I joke, but it's something I've been dealing with for years, personally and in therapy.

Good for YOU, aeri!


I can also say many of these same things. I don't compare my first and second H because there is no comparison. They are both good men, but that's about the only thing they have in common (besides, as it turns out, a problem taking out the trash - is that all men? LOL).

I have dwelled in the past, which is not the topic of this thread, but it's been my reality. Probably BECAUSE of my jumping in too quickly.


Yes, wise words.


Very true. Both my H and me go to GREAT lengths to NEVER EVER put down the other parent, though truthfully, when kids are adults like mine, they tend to put them down for you <tiny evil grin>. But my H's kids never hear anything bad about their mother ever, from either one of us. Dang, it's their MOTHER. My mother drives me crazy, but if you say something about her, I'm right there with my claws out.

I think if more people understood the importance of the
Thank you, aeri, and it's very nice to 'see' you!

That's exactly what I meant on my reply to aeri, also. Sheesh, my kids love me and I'm flawed up one side and down the other... but I love them completely and they know it. And their dad is pretty much in the same boat. My kids blame him for the end of our marriage and have said many times they understand why we divorced. But again, they're older, and were older when we had our worst problems, so they saw a lot (dare I say: TOO MUCH). And I was always very honest about what was going on (again, sometimes too much so)... still, they respected that.

Just a little 'hello' then, nams, and I'm sorry about your lost post. I HATE WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

Thank you for dropping by... I hope to learn some new things, too!

I'm just going to talk to myself here, maybe formulating some thoughts... maybe for your entertainment. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

What about discipline? I believe that the step-parent, especially the step-parent in a non-custodial role, should NEVER initiate discipline.

That's not to say that I don't ask my H's children to put their dishes in the sink, throw away snotty kleenex, or make their beds. I do that. But if they don't do what I ask, it's up to DAD ALONE to determine the next course of action, if there is any.

I believe they the step-parent can be a team member with their spouse (the parent) to maintain consistency in the disciplinary action that has been meted out. Therefore, I can say, when his son has been sent to his room and comes out before the time alloted by dad (say, if while H is in the bathroom and isn't there to say it himself)... I can say... "Your father said until 2. Go back to your room, please." If he doesn't, I wait for dad to determine the next move.

Agree?

I am truly trying to see how others feel about the role of a second spouse, but I see that children are an important part of what I'm asking. If the potential partner doesn't have children, I would think it would be sooooooooo much more difficult. If the partner/spouse does have children and does things totally the opposite of what you do (say, uses time-outs when you believe in corporal punishment)... what then? How do you POJA that?

"Well, it's absolutely no secret that I did the opposite. Bad me. I joke, but it's something I've been dealing with for years, personally and in therapy. "

I was wondering if you would be willing to share this with me? You can email me at: jolenti@yahoo.com

I envision very much the same scenario you've talked about with discipline.

I imagine my partner & I will have discussed the appraoch we will take. This we will discuss with the kids. My kids, I deliver the discipline, his kids he does. But situations do arise where I or he will need to speak up. Then the partner would simply restate the rules letting the child know they've seen the infraction but that the mother/father will deal with it.

There will likely be house rules that will be clear to all & either partner will be able to ask any child to do their share. Again, if my kids break the rules I discipline, his he does.

I'm guessing though that even the best of rules & the best of intentions get waylaid when big stuff surfaces.

Hi Immovingon,


Actually, it really is pretty well-documented publicly, and I'd be happy to go find some threads, if you'd like to read about it.

Are you asking for a private converstation to maintain your privacy? If so, I understand and would only ask if you're male or female (sorry, it's taking time to get to know people around here again) because I don't talk to men off the board. If it's to protect me that you're asking, no worries... my life is an open book.

I will say, in advance of any conversation (either here or on email) that I am a poster-child for what NOT to do.

If you have any questions in particular, ask away... I'm happy to answer and if something crosses a personal boundary, I'll let you know. Deal?


Good lord, YES. We've had some of those things occur, too. Very, very difficult situations.

I will say though, that while I always strive to be united with my H, occasionally I will **suggest** (wink) he take a second look at a choice if I disagree... it's only happened a couple of times and when I did it, it was quietly, and away from the kids. I became sd's hero for a weekend when I convinced dad to let her do something he'd originally said 'no' to (going to a show with her cousin while she was here for the weekend - she's 17)... he ended up changing his mind, and everyone was happy. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NB,

I'm a 39 yo female, divorced with children and would like to discuss in private.

Thanks

nb, and others,
Are there other things, in addition to "kids" issues that you have noticed, or we can discuss? These are great issues though, in case I get involved with another Dad. But I don't have kids, and it's probably better that I stay away from Dads. I had a 2-yr relationship with a Dad with 2 teens, and I learned a LOT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Like... what I hope and picture for my second marriage, is acceptance for who we are, without trying to change each other. Teamwork, while allowing each other to be their own individuals. We definitely had a problem with that in our 1st marriage. It's something I've tried to practice in my dating. Have you found that in your current marriage? Acceptance? Teamwork?

For my second partner I'm looking for a divorced or widowed dad. I figure if he's learned from the first marriage we're ahead of the game. Having kids is important because he understands the sacrifice parents need to make & all the other stuff that comes along with being a parent.

We're more likely to be on the same page than someone with completely experiences.