Faith,

Oh yeah, you're probably right! LOL I didn't even realize... hahahahaha... thanks for setting me straight! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

*snort* good one Faith <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

DW

LMAO!

I can relate to alot of what your bf is saying here, especially when ex-spouses make it a point to spend holidays and b-days and so forth together, even when they think it's best for the kids.

But is it really best for the kids? Does it give them a 'false hope' that mom and dad could get back together if bf or gf wasn't in the picture at all?

I'm sure it makes your bf wonder why the two of you got divorced, and it might make him feel that if he wasn't in the picture maybe the two of you really could work things out and save your marriage/family.

From what your saying, I take it your bf doesn't have kids?

If not, imagine for a moment how it would make you feel if he did and most all his childrens b-day's and holidays were spent with his ex-wife there so that the kids can have both parents there.

And you sat back and watched him and his ex-wife laughing and joking around together with their kids looking like the happy family celebrating. So yeah, I can see how he feels as if he is some how intruding in another relationship (marriage).

Maybe ask yourself, are you emotionally divorced from your ex-husband? You might think so, but it might not come across that way by your actions.

LMAO... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I would be happy to post on this thread (oops, I just did), but I have no experience in this matter. All I know is that my ex and her H went about it all wrong, so I know what not to do. A couple of noteworthy moments on their part included: making out on the couch every night while the kids were relegated to watching TV, leading to the kids bitterly complaining to me; ex's H being "upset" that I exist in the kids' life (all together now - Duh...); and, weirder than all, ex and her H trying to tell my kids that they should love H (the stepdad) no less than they love me.. whatever.

All I know is that G appears to be very delicate in not making too many waves at this point, so I think we'll do fine. I do, however, sense some weirdness in my ex already, I think she feels threatened by the fact that the kids like G. I realize that it's mostly her issue, but any issue of hers affects me as well since it affects the kids. We'll see.

Anyway, good news is that you now have a guy posting on this thread <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

such a Good Guy.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

A BOY, A BOY!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yea!!!! ::::cheer:::

AGG, Thank you for venturing into chick territory and sharing your perspective!!

What your ex did CERTAINLY sounds like some "What NOT to do" material. I never, ever, ever expected my H's kids to think I'm a replacement mom. And I never expected to hear, "I love you"... and have from his daughter, but not his son. However, but I have heard "I like you" and "I respect you" and "Sit with me" and "I thought about you when I saw _________"... which translate into... "You are a part of our lives and it's not too bad"...

And we have NEVER "made out" or forced any of our kids into an icky or embarrassing situation like that. We do say we love each other, that our marriage is important, and that their feelings are important. We've hugged in front of them sometimes, or held hands, even a quick peck as we passed each other to the kitchen, but by now it's been years and we feel it's pretty safe territory.

TR,

I *do* understand what you're saying!

I agree that 'attachment' may be there (not necessarily in the situation you quoted, but said generally) and may be sending a wrong message to kids, especially young ones who don't understand the permanency of divorce. Even older kids might be confused. With my kids, because of their age and also because I *am* re-married (not just dating my H - said not in judgement of anyone who is, just saying that my H and I are legally bound)... anyway... with my kids... they have told me how much they appreciate that their dad and I get along (all say "better than we you were married"). That is not to say that one or more of them might not harbor a secret desire that we get back together, because I'm realistic enough to know that most kids really do want Mom and Dad together no matter what.

When my parents separated (about ten years ago now - they reconciled)... I was in my 30's... and I swear, I went right to that 8-year-old little-girl place that wanted Mommy and Daddy together. I wondered how we'd handle holidays... would Dad, and old-fashioned man, be able to take care of himself? ... What would them being divorced "look like"?? I was happy when they got back together. Even though, in my memory, my parents have fought for their entire marriage. Even though my mom can be a real pill (poor Dad!). Even though Dad could find someone who would be faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar more respectful of his feelings. None of that mattered.

I also understand the discomfort for a new spouse when the ex's are friendly, trip down memory lane, laugh together at jokes you don't understand... or even glance at each other in a knowing way. BTDT, on both sides, as a guest and participant. You don't just ERASE umpteen (or 20-30-plus) years of marriage experience. You just DON'T. Better to accept that, embrace the reality, and breathe.

Belonging, Allure, Devistated and Faith, THANK YOU for dropping by! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Gosh, I was reminded of this thread last night when I had ex issues!

When I got remarried I moved over the state line- which was allowed in my divorce/custody papers. We share custody 50/50. I'm not too far for him to drive but it is a commute. My kids go to school in my former state.

When I have them I get up at 4:45 to drive an hour and half back to work. I told my ex when I moved I would do this for the first year but that I wanted to move towards a compromise in schooling. Because my husband is a teacher I can put them into school in the middle. Exactly the same distance from his house to school as from my house to school. He refuses to discuss doing it. It's just like it's his decision only. He doesn't care about how hard it is on the kids to make the commute every other week.

He told me last night that I was the one who moved so I could get my "*SS" in the car and make the drive. I feel that I'm only asking for what's fair. I didn't ask that he make the full drive out to my house.

Now, I'm going to have to take him back to court. I'm very uncomfortable about the whole thing- I have an appt Monday. I keep telling him that this will not turn out the way he thinks it will. I'm not sure why he thinks I will lose.

I don't want to take them away from him but I may have no choice but to make it where they spend the weeks during school with me- and the summers with him. I have tons of emails where he is being irrational and uncompromising not to mention documented times where he has forgotten their lunch money, not picked up their medicine when they are sick and with him, and not had my daughter in her car seat.

Here I am bragging about how good it's been lately and look where I am now..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

coachswife,

I'm so sorry you're going through that right now. Sounds like it may be just beginning... (((coachswife))). I don't have any advice, per se, but can only imagine the stress of a court battle... and battles about children are NEVER good!

You are welcome, it's my pleasure to learn from you all <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.


My kids are younger, so they are probably more apt to accept new people in their lives and to learn to "love" them. And they have constantly expressed that to their stepdad, which is totally fine by me. The weird thing is that he does very little to truly focus on them - he basically acts as the mom's husband. But heck, if you act like the mom's husband rather than the stepdad, why would you expect to be viewed as an equal to a super-involved dad like myself? That is the part I don't get - he gets the "ILY's" from the kids, he gets the respect, but he is "uncomfortable" with me or the fact that the kids love me more than him. Weird.

I had a chat with my 10yo about this, and she said that she told him that she loves us both the same, to assuage his "issues". I tried to tell her that it's OK for her to feel differently towards him and me, but she got upset, which tells me that she is feeling pressure in that household to love him as much as me.

Like I said, I am not planning to get tangled up in that, it just seems that the more mature people in that household are my kids, rather than my ex and H. For instance, my 10yo told me later that when G and I bumped into them at the restaurant last weekend, my ex did not want to go to the bathroom because she didn't want me and G to see her go.. WTF?? So my 10yo volunteered to go with her, so it'd look like she needed to go rather than my ex. Bizarre stuff...

AGG

Thorned Rose:

There are only a couple of holidays we spend together and it's never at one or the other's house. Halloween, we'll walk separately, but my son gets to share that holiday with both of us....On the 4th of July, my BF and I are with our friends and my son's dad is just there. I'm often surprised my son's dad doesn't feel weird becuase he doesn't really know anyone there and I don't interact with him very much at all. Things are kept on a very business like and cordial level. I can understand your point, but it's not an all warm and family type situation.


I've had many conversations with my son that even if my BF wasn't in the picture, that I'd not be with his dad, but that in no way changes how I feel about my son. Again, in the way we are with each other isn't at all warm, but cordial. When we do attend cub scout activities or a school plays, etc. I don't sit near my son's dad. I'm not presenting a combined front with my son's dad, but exhibit very clearly that my BF is who I'm with and who I love and that I am no longer with nor will I ever be with my son's dad again. My BF is incredibly good to my son and my son's dad respects and appreciates that and has told my BF that.


It's pretty clear why we're divorced. I'd not go back to him for a multitude of reasons. Tons of reasons that even have nothing to do with being in a relationship with someone else. I was divorced for 3 years before I met my BF. My exH had an affair, stole money so he could leave, I had to pay his attorney and I paid alimony for 18 months and continue to pay child support even though I have my son more than 50% of the time. I'd be alone before I'd be married to him again. If you knew more of my situation and my actions, I think you'd have no problem agreeing with that.


Actually he does. He's got a 13 year old son that I treasure and treat very well.


Again, this is SO how it's not.


Very much so...regardless, I am the grownup. My son didn't choose this divorce, so I do my best to let him know he doesn't have to choose. That we both love him even if we don't love each other.

Is that a bit more clear now. I'm sorry if I presented a not so clear picture. I understand wanting/needing more clarification. :-)

Pfft, what a piece of work, those two <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. Do you get along w/ your ex? Is her H the OM? Sorry, but her H sounds like a turd...oops did I just say that out loud? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately, I think this is fairly common at first AGG. Mama bear doesn't want some other chickie gettin' to close to her cubs. She WILL be vigilant, but hopefully, in time, she'll get over it. When exWH had a girlfriend (not OW) recently, DD really liked her (well, she was only like 15 yrs older than DD <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />, but I digress.....hiss, meow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />), she seemed like a really nice person, but there was this part of me that was quite territorial about my baby, not that I would EVER admit it to exWH or DD. Ultimately, as long as she was good to DD, I was hunky dory, but the ever watchful eagle-eye was present. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ExWH felt the same at times about my exBF. That Papa Bear came out in him too. I remember having to soothe and console him one day b/c DD chose to spend the afternoon w/ us (exBF and his kids) instead of heading out to her dads until later that night. I acknowledged his feelings, and assured him he'll always be #1 in her book (and he knows this, he just was having a nice pout). He got over it.

It'll be hinky in the beginning, but sheesh you know this! Forgot, you've been out there longer than me. LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Someone posted a web-site about Co-Mama's and it explained the dynamic/feelings of what ex wives and current wives go thru raising *mutual* kids.

I need to google that and bookmark it for future reference....

DW

NewBeg, you sound like you really got it going on! Kudos to you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ok, AGG, I just read your other post, and, yup weird. WTF indeed. Sounds like more issues that just the old Mama bear stuff.Did your ex have self-esteem issues?

Thorned, you brought up something that I think about quite frequently...that fact the my exWH and I getting along really well sending DD mixed signals. She's brought it up a few times and I've addressed it and have told her that the friendship part in our marriage survived, that we did our best, worked our hardest to keep her family whole, but that we will always love her, no matter what. She does not know about her father's infidelity or all the other issues that caused the break down in our marriage.

Anyhoo, I'm off topic again. I am learning alot here and thank you for bringing this up New Beg!

No, thank you, DevWife, and everyone else who so generously shared your thoughts, ideas and experiences with us! This thread is EVERYTHING I had hoped, and more. We certainly got a cross-section of people included (tho, poor ol' AGG was inundated with estrogen! A few more good men would have been a good thing, too!).

If anyone has anything to add, please feel FREE to do so... this conversation won't be officially over until it drops from the page. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If now is the time, though... I am very thankful to those of you who helped to make it what it is!

NB,

I couldn't agree more - yet that is precisely what many second wives seem to want to do.

Coachswife,

Aside from the fact that you can not lump ex-wives in with OW's, because the former have not done anything to YOU, while the latter most certainly have committed a crime against you (yes adultery is a crime in my state), I do not laugh at my H's OW. She is hardly a laughing matter. Twelve year old girls laugh at others, unfortunately. It is not appropriate adult behavior, no matter how awful the subject of the joke. It is especially inconsiderate to laugh at a person who is loved by your husband's child. If you have something negative to say about her, that is at least honest and not passive-agressive. And no, I never said anything disrespectful about my H's first wife, to my H or to anyone else.

Am I missing something? Wouldn't they have a longer commute than they do now, during the weeks they are with him?

No, the school that I want to send them to is in the middle inbetween his house and mine. 20 minutes from my house and 20 minutes from his. When I make the full trip it takes 40 minutes for me to get to their school and the rest of the time to drive back to my work- which is near where they would go to school.

Understood. This is where her own words will get her in trouble - if she told our daughter that she should love her stepdad as much as she loves me, then does it not follow that our daughter should also love G (if she ever becomes the stepmom) as much as she loves my ex? How silly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Anyway, I am being very careful here, because I do very much expect Mama BEar to flex her muscle, and given how weird her behavior has been, I expect nothing but more of the same. Good thing G and I are sane and stable, sheesh.

AGG

Tons!! Her entire sense of self worth depends on how much others love her, ugh.