Hi ,I think you might be the right one for this question.

I seen some of the responces you gave Happeekim.I am the BS.It's been just over a yr since i found out about my H A.Since day one he has done a total turn around.The only thing he did wrong was keep the fact that he actully had sex with this person.He kept quiet for five months.It took her for me to find out.

Anyway like i said everything he has done this past yr for me and the kids is far more than in the twelve yr prior.It has been amazing.He cryed many tears together.

Laley he still is this great guy,still an awsome family man and new devoted H.My problem is i think i need to keep hearing those i'm sorry words.Have him say things over and over.Basicly i do not what him to forget what he has done.See i think of it everyday.I sometimes think he does'nt.He don't seem like it bothers him.Sometimes when i get upset i know i could put it behind me,but i don't it's like i want him to know i'm having a bad day.I want him to see me cry.It's like i want to see him cry.Make him remember.

I don't want to do this.I know not a day goes by that he don't think of it.What advice could you give me?I know he goes thru he**.As you being a FWS what would you like happen.Sorry if this did'nt make to much sence.I just want to know if you still think of this yrs later,and as a BS what i can do to help.

I will be back later
Thank-you for any advice.
#1mom

#1mom,

first i am very sorry for your pain.

how long it takes to heal is a very individual thing. some say they will never fully heal (which is so hard for me to read) some say they have in fact fully healed (like RIF, boy do i miss him!!!)

anyway, there are a few things i would like to comment on, that might help you:

first of all, i hear anniversaries can be difficut, so if you just hit 1yr since d-day, it is understandable that might be causing discomfort. be easy on yourself. it's good to try to push yourself to heal and ultimately forgive, but you cannot force yourself to go any faster than you can go. ok?

it certainly sounds like your H truely wants you to be happy. so we will just take that for a given too.

ok, so you say you need to hear him say he is sorry again. and i think you are asking if it is ok to need that.

hey, if you need it you need it.

you can, and should, try to explore why you need this, challange yourself to understand how it benefits you, your marriage, and decide if the benefits are constructive or not

but in the end, if you truely need it, then the best thing to do is loveingly explain to him what you need. tell him everything you said in this post. you need to hear him say he is sorry again, tell him, by his actions, you know he is sorry, but for some reason you just need to HEAR it again. and tell him you need him to see you cry (i would think what you might be really needing is for him to hold and console you while you cry). just be honest and open but kind too. does that sound doable?

now you say you need to hear him say it over and over again, i would think that would get to be hard. you say you want to have him say it because you want him to remember but you also say you know he does think of it every day. so there is a bit of conflicting information there.

since i am a FWS, i cannot begin to really say i understand your needs and feelings. i would think this question would be good for you to ask to other BSs too. and I know JustLearning would have good advice for you too.

i hope something i said here helps.

Thanks for your advice,

I think what i'm trying to get at is wondering if FWS will remember what they did yrs down the road.Do they end up healing ?Is there something we can do to help,even tho we need to heal to.There are people who have really changed.I try to tell him i see all that he has done.Which is so much.He thinks if i still cry maybe theres something he is'nt doing.I don't know how to explain it's me and i will hurt for a long time.

Thanks again
#1mom

funny, my H tells me the fact that i still hurt, makes him think, he is doing something wrong....

i sure hope FWS heal too, but i don't think healing equals forgetting. i don't see me ever forgetting. as in NEVER!

i think both spouses have to help each other.

but neither can help the other by hiding their feelings.

i believe you need to be able to see the other's pain without turning inward. (i can have a hard time with that but i think i am getting much better at it).

maybe that is more a FWS problem. being able to see my H's pain without having it result in me going downhill due to guilt. cuz all that really does it take energy away from my ability to help him. and when you look at it that way, i'm being selfish.

maybe that is how you can explain it to him.

he is not doing anything wrong in the present, but you just need him to be with you when it hurts... back to the whole What Dreams May Come thing. Have you seen that movie? maybe try watching it with him.

for a WS, i think that is very hard to do, to experience the pain with the BS, because doing that does make the FWS feel bad, since they are the source of that pain, even though the source is not due to current actions. it feels like it must be, because the pain is in current time. but when Robin Williams really choose to be with his wife in h*ll, her h*ll went away.

am i making any sense?

to me healing will only come with honesty and openess.

being loving

and kind

and having empathy.

do the things that make the other feel good (i.e. fill ENs)

don't do hurtful things (i.e. LBs).

Thank you
That was a great movie,maybe we will have to see it again.Again thank you
#1mom