Hi all...

Well I"ve been here over a year. Rarely posting but trying to learn and comfort myself with all of your stories.
We've been separated for almost a year. I had an affair and I also came completely clean, revealed everything, begged for forgivness and have been met with the person my husband has always been - angry, revengeful, dark and pissed at the world.

Why I thought he could every forgive me - I don't know. He is and always has been so arrogant never willing to look at his part in things.

Anyway - here we are. We're heading toward divorce. He holds all of the power. We have a pre-nup that essentially leaves me with very little. I live in one of the most expensive city in the world (San Francisco).

The hardest part for me is going through the legal nightmare. The pre-nup stipulates he will not pay for my legal fees. The attorney I called cost $500.00 an hour! He is a physician and I work at non profit (typical) - so he again has all of the power.

I guess I'm starting this thread, because I'm tapping out my friends with my fear, crying etc. So perhaps I can lean on everyone here?

I had hoped to repair our marriage. But now that is looks that can't happen I've got to start looking out for myself. And that is where I'm afraid it will begin to get ugly. I don't want to hurt my husband. He is near retirment and I don't want "half", but I do want and think I deserve more than what is spelled out in the pre-nup.

I guess I'll suck it up and go see the attorney. Anyway thanks for "listening"...

Cis

After 16 years together our lives are so intertwined. My parents love him and look to him to support them with their ever increasing medical issues. I don't want to take that from them...so I pretent that its ok with me.

Truly both my husband and father are mysogynists (sp). I swear they have a true and deep seated dislike of women.

Cis,

Yes, you can lean on us. Hope you could hang in there, yes SF is very expensive. However you could make it like many of us here in SFBayArea. Do you have children ? This is a long term M, many judge would consider this. Of course you won't be able to sustain 100% of your M life style, divorce would be trying to sustain 50%. I pray for you that your lawyer might find a loop hole.

For other support, lookup www.divorcecare.org for local meetings, it is a christian support group but you don't need to be in it.

May the Lord open your STBXH's eyes to see your heart and give him compassion to open his heart. Amen. -rh-

Thanks Redhat...we don't have children. I feel so guilty about what I did that I feel like I don't deserve anything. I don't feel comfortable looking for a way to change the agreement, just hope that H will see that what is fair is more than what the agreement stipulates.

I swing all over the place emotionally. I take full responsbility for my terrible choices, and how I dealt with my depression and resentments. He acts like I was always a "liar"...it took many years of resentments for me to do what I did - but of course I still regret how I handled things.

I also pray for his soul. He has always been angry and dark. His mother died at a young age, and his father was emotionally distant and hung up on his new wife - so he never had anyone to really love him - hence he doesn't know how to love himself. I wanted that for him so much. I tried to show him the joy and light the world has to offer. I tried to show him steadfast loyalty and love - but ultimately the darkness began to suck me in - and I gave up and went in a very wrong and bad direction.

Sometimes it feels like this is just too much.

Thanks for the suggestions - the closest meeting is in San Bruno - but I may try to make it down there.

Cis

My favorite quote for you "It is not what you did define who you are but what you do to with it". You could be a very awsome wife and it is too bad that your H could not see it. Have you done plan A ?.

Here one post for you to read Hopefull_person

BTW: the one in San Bruno is every Tuesday 7PM.
-rh-

Oh thank you - thank you! It's nice to hear kind words. The H-P story is beautiful. I've planned A for almost a year. Sometimes I do LB when I get very frustrated. He is so dark and angry - so he can say some very ugly and mean things. Plus I get upset when he has refused for almost a year now to look at the problems in our marriage (before the A) that we would need to fix before we got back together. I guess he just doesn't care enough to go there, or he is so full of anger and hurt that we won't.
For many years before the A I asked for his help in repairing our relationship - nothing..

I will read H-P's full story. I love being able to come here late at night when I get panicky.

Perhaps I'll see you in San Bruno on a Tuesday?
Cis

Just got served the divorce papers - God help me.

I guess I'll just take one step at a time. Feeling very much scared and alone.

Post deleted by SoSorryGreen

cis,

Hang in there ... it will take at least one month to get a court date specially w/o children. It will take 6 months before both of you Dv.

You are not alone and never alone. The spirit always with us to feel HIS present. You have brothers & sisters in Christ to help and ... thousands of MB'er.

-rh-

Family is going to be hard. My parents have had a long marriage. They bicker like crazy but I guess they love each other. My sister already sent me an email that was upsetting... asking me if I have done enough to forgive H! I guess she is only wanting what is best...but she has no idea of what I've been doing to repair our marriage and it has involved a lot of forgiving on my part. I just don't know how I'll break to my parents - they love him and depend on him... Part of me thinks H should tell them.

She acts like I get to decide. In divorce all it takes is one...it's not a collaboration...

H said that he had the papers ready and called the atty to file them on Wednesday. This was, I'm sure, after I told him that he needed to find a more healthy way to unload his anger. His angry and ugly outbursts were not helping us. I guess it was a LB but after a year of asking, begging him to put his anger aside so we could look at how we could repair and improve our marraige - like the many I've read about here...I guess I was totaly frustrated.

Odd that I would start a thread on the day I was served papers...

Well it's after midnight..woke up and hope I can get back to sleep.

It's the fear that is upsetting me. Perhaps that should tell me something. I'm not so much as upset about losing my marriage as I am just plan afraid of the future.

Yes, this is the hard part of Dv ... it splits up everything and everybody. Hang in there, just remember blood is thicker than water, your sis will see it down the road.

Take refuge and comfort ... read up Psalm 23:1-6.


Just for the sake of discussion and take it as Monday morning quaterbacking. Yes, you should listen and not asking (talking). Do you still have energy left to refocus on Plan A ?.

-rh-

Thanks RH... yes I do want to Plan A. Any ideas or suggestions are appreciated. Everynight before I go to sleep I send him a text kiss. He called last night and although I was groggy from sleep I was very sweet. He had gone to our friends house to talk. This is the couple who have been "friends of the marriage" from day one. They really are advocates of the marriage.

The wife is a loving, smart and helpful woman. She called H and said that she felt she hadn't been a good enough friend to him and that she wanted him to come over so they could talk some.

She called after he left and pretty much confirmed my impressions...he's pretty resolute. He can't get over the affair, he is very dogmatic and unforgiving..angry and doesn't know how to get his anger out.

I had planned on stopping by our house today (where he lives) and picking up some stuff - but I'm just not up to it. I texted him and said that I wouldn't be coming. I hope that isn't a LB.

The attorney called yesterday and said that she is a collaborative or mediation atty and that H's attny isn't trained in that so she couldn't help me. H says his attny can be OUR attny, but that doesn't feel right..plus I bumped into her at a holiday party (before I new H had seen an atty), and after we were introduced she blurted out that she was representing H in our divorce! I was floored..and so hurt and sick I had to excuse myself from the party. So, I don't think I'd be happy having that woman represent us BOTH.

It's raining...I'm cozy in my city apt. My frenchbulldog Tillie is snoring..I guess being a lone here isn't tht bad.
Cis

Well I wrote my parents an email last night telling them that H served me with divorce papers. I know it's going to kill them. I asked that they be supportive and try to stay out of the details. I wish I could lean on them more, but as I said I've learned the hard way that my Dad is a mysogynist (sp?) and is incapable of being helpful, plus I want them to feel like they can continue to have a relationship with Jon. They seemed to really find comofort in the fact he is a physician. In fact, in the next few weeks, they have been planning to come to the city so that H could do a procedure on my mom.

H will not budge on the attorney thing. I've asked him several times to do what he always said he would do - that is use one attorney to mediate our settlement. He claims since we have a prenup there is nothing to mediate. That is mostly true, but there are a few things outside of the prenup that we will need to figure out. I know his mind set, and that is he wants me to be on the hook for the legal fees, and that will drive me to settle quickly and not fight for anything. I know him very well. He essentially thinks that I deserve the minimum.

My poor H is a wounded person. I wish him well in life. I've made some very poor choices, but at least I see that I will recover from this and have a bright and happy future. H is so angry and dark (always has been), and I thought this crisis could be a wake up call for both of us...but H has chosen the path of revenge and anger. I wish it were different -
Cis

Oh the pain of fear and lonliness. I know I'll be ok, but sometimes I get so scared. I miss my H. Changing the words from we're separated to we're divorcing is unbelievable to my ears.

And dealing with the guilt is hard. I know H had his reasons to divorce me, and I'll live with that forever. Where's my friend TMCM? He once said that I just have to let go, and look toward the future, where I can bring all of this experience into my next relationship. And I do hope I have another relationship. I enjoy the companionship of a lover/friend.

My Dad started to tell me that while I may have thought H was angry...he started to say that HE had never seen that aspect of H. But I cut him off by thanking him understanding and support during this terrible time. I just don't need him to gaslight me. I second guess myself enough without his input.

I do send H a text kiss everynight before I turn out the lights to go to sleep....I just want him to know tht I love him and always will.

I'll be glad to get back to work tomorrow.

Sending love and prayers to all who are suffering with this pain. It feels like a knife in my heart that has been twisting and twisting for a year.

I hope to find an attorney tomorrow to help me get through this ugly matter. Ugh the worst.

Cis

I am back. I was out of town during the weekend. About plan A, have you print out ENQ and LBQ ?. Fill it up as if he did it, guess his top 5 ENs and LBs. You could also match it up with his complaint about you in M.

Make sure you ask your att. what is your chance to turn over the prenup ?. However, how he would see you fighting his way ?. How would you survive if you take his offer as is ?.

Hope you could make it tommorow to San Bruno.

-rh-

Thanks RH...if I fight the prenup in anyway - that would be IT. Our whole marraige he talked about how women take advantage of men during divorce...he in fact had two previous divorces where he had to pay out half of everything. He was sure to protect himself when he married me. I can't even think about doing that... it would kill him, and he'd not only hate me, but he'd have my father hate me.

I'll just have to figure out how to live. My standard of living will really change. I work, but I literally make 10% of his salary. He's a doctor and I work at a non-profit.

Months ago we did the questionnaire. His needs are sex, sex, and sex. No really, he is very focused (obcessed) on sex. I really tried to meet his needs. He really wanted to have sex twice a day and I tried to keep up. But he wanted me to be really really into it (begging for it?), so me just accommodating him was never enough,,,

I guess all of this may be for the best. It's just so painful.

Maybe I'll try to make it down there. Is it ok that I'm half Jewish?

We welcome everyone and anyone wanted to get help.

As painful as it is, this is part of the ammend for him from you. Hope he would see it in the future that you aren't like his ex's.

What I learn from woman and some men ... when we are not in-love, sex becomes a routine.

hang in there ... in CA, you still have 6 months to plan A after he served you.

-rh-

Thanks RH...I didn't make it last night. I did speak with Pastor Dave - he sounded very nice.

I do go back and forth. Since he has served me - I acutally feel a little relief. I've been working so hard to convince him that our marriage was worth saving - it was exhausting.

Now that he's served the papers - well it feels like he's made up his mind. I am acting even more loving towards him - because strangly, I fell more loving. I am beginning to see just how wounded and unhealthy he is... I wish it were different.

I will plan A so that we can remain friends - so far he is unwilling to get together or talk. I'm feeling like the marriage is really really over.

What's your STBXH's hobby or thing that he loved the most ? Let's think of a way to get to him. I am thinking of using word picture (from Language of Love).

I have to run to class now. Catch you later

He loves his motorycyle. He always wanted me to get on it or buy me one. But honestly, I'm afraid of motorcycles. I don't want to ride on one. I'm nervous enough in the car. He was very disappointed that I didn't want to share this interest with him. He would point to it as an example that we had nothing in common. Which isn't true - we share lots of interests.
Have a good class RH. What are you studying? I have the book the five love languages is that the same as the Lanugage of Love? I'm not sure what a word picture is?
Cis

Today I have an appointment to see a lawyer. I've dreaded this day from the moment we separated. I hope I can keep it together. At $375 per hour - I'll need to!
Cis