Should my wife remain friends with a person of the opposite sex if we are having marital problems? Short back ground on our marriage: we have been married for seven years but haven’t had an intimate relationship with each other for the last four years. I feel very much responsible for this fact, I was the one that put up the wall and rejected any advance from my wife. I have told her I realize I have not met her emotional needs and for this I’m truly sorry. We have been faithful to each other i.e... No affairs. We have a child together and both of us have previous failed marriages where the other spouse has had an affair. My dilemma at present is my wife claims to have a good friend of the opposite sex who she has shared intimate details about how bad our relationship is. She met this good friend at work and has known him now for approximately ten months. They have very little face to face contact, they communicate primarily via e-mail. I came across a few of these e-mails and haven’t found such language as I love you or I want to have a sexual relationship. It was primarily all about how bad our marriage is. When I first confronted her about the e-mails she assured me it was only a shoulder to cry on and I’m being paranoid about the friendship. (and I invaded her privacy). I told her I thought the friendship was inappropriate and it hurt my feelings. She apologized for hurting my feelings and told me not to worry its only friendship. I found some of the more recent e-mails which include such language as I miss you, I think the world of you, and let’s run off to Italy. When confronted she says it was all a joke and I haven’t seen enough of the e-mails to realize this, once again I’m paranoid and now I’ve hurt my wife feelings for not trusting her. I have told her repeatedly I’m not comfortable with the e-mailing and wish she would stop. My wife feels I’m asking too much, she says he’s the only friend she has that understands/empathizes with her at present. Am I asking too much? She says he helps her, but it hurts me.

Hi sorry you are going through this, this would be a possible emotional affair and if she says you violated her privacy then there is something to hide.

There is much here to read about this very subject and I myself am the victim of a WS having an Emotional Affair.

It's not possible an emotional affair it IS one. If she really wanted to allieve your fears she's actually show you all the other emails. She also would not be sooo offended you breached her privacy.

Welcome to MB. Get the book His Needs/Her Needs right away.
Read the whole site. Especially notice the information about no contact with the OM forever. If she can not do her job without being in contact with OM then eventually she or he will have to leave that job. No if's, ands or buts.

Why no SF for 4 years?

Copy your post over to Infidelity - General Questions II. There are a lot more posters available to assist you over there.

Are they talking by cell phone or land line before or after work. These relationships evolve in steps. I think there is a thread below on this board about the steps to getting in an affair. You'll see she is somewhere beyond step 1 or 2 already.

If you want to save your marriage your in for the fight of your life.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

You're situation is difficult. Even if you're relationship was great...she should not be sharing intimate details of her/your life with anyone but you. She has betrayed you emotionally and the next logical step for her is to have an affair. Put your foot down and tell her if she doesn't stop her "friendship" talks with this or any other man, you are leaving her. If that doesn't wake her up, then she doesn't care much for your feelings or your marriage.

I just called and talked to the man my wife has been e-mailing to get his perspective of friendship and what my wife my mean to him. It maybe true after all, he is just a shoulder to cry on. He came across as a very sincere person and said he didn’t know he was having such an effect on the relationship and he understands my concern because he himself has been in a similar situation with his now ex-wife. He said he would stop the personal e-mails if I wish. So you would think I said STOP, but instead I told him to use his best judgment. I also let my wife know that I called this person and had a little chat, and when my wife got home she told me she was deeply hurt that I haven’t the trust in her that this is only a friend. Now I feel like I made a mistake, perhaps I don’t have all the facts and I’ve jumped to the wrong conclusion. It still feels wrong to me. Can you be friends with a person of the opposite sex when your marriage is in shambles?

There is a book called Not just friends. I think you should read it as well.

You should have told him to stop the personal emails.

You did not make a mistake. If she didn't have anything to hide, she wouldn't be upset.

Now, would you like to explain why not SF in four years? There is a lot to work on in your relationship.

Don't get sucked into this one. That guy wasn't going to tell you "Yeah, I'm having an affair with your wife". Come on. You need to wake up NOW about this. This is at the very least an EA. Good chance it's more.

Start working at stopping this now. This guys sense of judgement WILL be to have sex with your wife. I promise you that. Her judgement will be to say yes.

Glad you're here at MB.