I did cheer my husband on last night when our oldest slammed his bedroom door as hard as he could, and my husband calmly told him that if that ever happened again - the door would come off and he could live without a door.
My parents did this to me. It was horrible punishment, therefore very effective - actually took that sucker right off the hinges.
They were firm believers in what they lovingly refer to as "LOGICAL CONSEQUENCE" (said in a booming, reverberating voice).
There were four teenagers in my household (my poor mom).
We also each had a "contract" with my parents. The contract listed rules and the corresponding LOGICAL CONSEQUENCE for not abiding by the rules.
The point was to mimic the adult world and the consequences we would suffer for any given choice we made. I think it also aids in teaching children that they are responsible for their own actions.
Example contract:
Froz chooses to come home 30 minutes past curfew.
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCE: Froz has to come home 30 minutes earlier than curfew the next time she goes out.
My parents had a meeting with each of us individually to go over the contract. I helped choose the consequences. My parents had already outlined some of them and listed some items that they were struggling with me over, such as breaking curfew, slamming my door, etc...
I was given the opportunity to negotiate anything I believed was unjust and offer other solutions. I was also given the opportunity to ask for things I wanted to negotiate for, such as a later curfew. My parents would discuss it with me and maybe agree that if I stuck to the outlined curfew for 6 weeks, they would give me a later curfew after that time. If I didn't come home on time, my curfew would remain the same.
Believe it or not, I never did get a later curfew. I was always stubborn.
In parenting my own children, I have applied a lot of these concepts. I have also learned to step aside when they make smaller bad choices and let them suffer (just a little) the consequences of their actions. It hurt to see them suffer, especially when I knew I could step in and prevent it if I chose to.
I figured it would be much better to let them suffer a bad grade on a paper because they forgot to turn it in than to have them learn that lesson with bigger things later in life.
Some of it is selfish I guess, because I just hate what it says about me as a mother.
It doesn't say anything at all about you. They are old enough to be responsible for their own behavior.
Other parts of it are guilt - because of the past.
It is irrelevant at this point. You can't change the past and regardless of where they may or may not have picked up some of their habits, they are still old enough to know the difference between right and wrong.
Parents aren't perfect. I think it is important to show children that parents make mistakes. If my child smokes a cigarette and uses the defense "you did it when you were my age" and they think that is some justification, they are no less responsible for that behavior than I was when I did it. I learned better ways for doing things and so can they.
If they try to use the "you did it" defense. I come back at them with, "Yes I did. That is why I know now that it is a bad decision". It usually shuts them up and again reinforces that they are responsible for their own behavior.
I worry what kind of lives they'll have as adults (like I did) if they carry these behaviors forward.
I worry about this, too. But, it's not too late to guide them.
Everytime I hear one of them put the other down, I literally want to run away and be sick.
Running away and being sick doesn't sound like much fun. Here is an amusing alternative...
One child insults his brother and puts him down.
LOGICAL CONSEQUENCE (again with the reverberation):
That child now owes his brother one kind deed.
Doesn't that sound like much more fun for YOU???
