Posts and history under DO I END IT, NO MORE TEARS.

My thanks to all of you for the time you’ve invested in reading my posts and giving advice for my situation. My H is now out of town until Monday. I am hoping for some peaceful time with myself, my DD and God.

If you read this and truly believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me. If you believe that God can answer prayer, please pray.

I apologize up front for the length of this post. I just really need advice from those who have been in a similar situation (abuse, steps, etc.) I’ve taken to heart a lot of what you all have said and I’m wanting to make a decision this weekend, God willing.

I believe that in many respects my situation is similar to so many others posting here. The A, the lack of respect. The disregard for the marriage. The double standards. Many of you believe that what separates my situation from many others is the extreme verbal abuse, the minimal physical abuse but potential for more, the threats of exposure of my past, the comments from my H that he has thought about killing me in my sleep, etc.

My history is all under the posts mentioned on the first line above. The emotional abuse that I have endured for the past few years has really taken a toll on my ability to see light at the end of the tunnel, much less the possibility of a happy marriage. I know that I married too quickly. You know, the lonely divorced woman with a small child that rebuilds her life and then finds that everyone around her is in a relationship but her and she’s lonely.

I allowed my H to push me toward marriage. That should have been a red flag but I was totally infatuated. I considered myself so smart. I thought that because my H was a relative of someone who had married into my family, that God had brought this person into my life and was giving me peace about bringing someone into my DD’s life.

I did not take the time to truly get to know the situation between my H and his kids (SD, SS) and his EXW. Big mistake. Their manipulation of my H and their actions toward me and my DD are a big part of our problems now. They are now grown but not gone; out of house only. They both want me out. I did not deal with them well at all but I also had no choice over many things that went on that affected me, my child, my home, my finances.

Now, I need to make a decision. The fence sitting I’ve done for the last 2 years (heck the last 4-5 years) is no longer an option. The saying “Harsh words break no bones but they do break hearts” is so true. I do not believe that I love my H any longer. I care for him and I care about what happens to him but I am not in love with him. He tells me that he is very much in love with me but I don’t see how he could yet still do the things he does to me.

My H’s biggest problem with me is two-fold. I lie and I have not left the church where he believes I carried on an A w/a man that goes there. I saw on someone else’s post (guess it’s a signature line) that if you are doing something that you wouldn’t do if your spouse was there, then it’s cheating. So, perhaps I did. Here’s my list of “I never dids”: Never alone, never met anywhere, no correspondence of any kind such as email, snailmail, voicemail, phone contact, etc. I did call him once to ask him about something my H told me and to alert him to the fact that my H believed something was going on and to tell him I was sorry he was getting caught up in my situation. I see this person probably 3-5 times per month and never outside church. He knows that I am still married and he is dating others.

My H says he had people from church tell him that I was chasing after this other guy. I did talk to him a lot and I parked near him. My H never bothered to come to church except to sit in the parking lot and threaten that he was going to confront the other guy when he came out of church. He never did. He came to church on several occasions (according to him) in other people’s vehicles to spy on me. He says he saw me on many occasions talking to this guy. Others went back and told him I was. I told the guy what was going on and backed off the friendship over a year ago.

I will say that the constant threats from my H about this guy, the constant verbal abuse over him and the constant questioning by my H about him have made me think about the possibility of a relationship if/when I divorce. I wouldn’t have an A but my mind does wander.

My H resumed a relationship (he says platonic) with his second EXW after he says he saw me talking to OM. He brought her into our home to help him w/company paperwork. If I didn’t do what he wanted me to do he would threaten that he would get her to help him and that she would be glad to do so. I saw two letters from her to him that she wanted us to divorce so she would have a second chance. They still talk occasionally.

Then, he started a relationship w/a woman he met via our company. He was at her house to do the work but continued talking w/her afterward. I’ve seen cell phone bills where he has talked to her at 1 and 2 AM and the calls are to and from her. The longest I saw was 62 minutes; the average around 4 or 5. I live about 30 minutes away and cannot easily check to see where he is late at night but I often don’t get him if I call the home phone. He hid the Nov/Dec cell phone bills but I found them. He took them and hid them again. The Jan bill is nowhere to be found but the part you return w/payment was there. He set up online account to view bill and I don’t have access so I imagine I would see more of the same if I did see the bill.

He has told me that all I have to do is stop going to the church I’m going to and he will do whatever it takes to make our marriage work. When he had the A, I never told anyone and he refused counseling. Now, he says he will go to counseling (we went about 4 times, 2 counselors and then stopped). People who are close to the situation believe that he will say and do whatever is necessary to get me back home and that within 5 or 6 months he’ll be back to the same old stunts.

So, I need to make a decision. I don’t approve of divorce although this is my second marriage. I married before becoming a Christian the first time. I do believe that the first divorce was for the best for me and DD. Deep down inside where you are most honest with yourself I believe that divorce is also the right answer in this case. We have 9 years of unresolved issues, one PA and two EAs for my H that I know of and one EA that my H accuses me of. Add to that the step kid issues, the verbal/physical abuse, the threats of suicide and I don’t see a way to make it better.

I know that w/God all things are possible and I know that God loves him just as much as he loves me. I know that God hates divorce and that God’s plan is for there to be no divorce. When we first separated I cried all the time. I constantly begged him to change things so that I could come back home and try to work things out but he kept doing the things that caused me to leave. Then, he escalated the verbal abuse and started throwing things, pushing me around. When I asked for a divorce he threatened suicide.

I have a gut feeling that he wants the security I can provide him over wanting me for me; my salary, my insurance, my help w/company and take care of home, etc.

I know that every situation and every person is different. Some of you may look at this and say, “Not me. I’d have been gone after the A.” Or, “I’d have been gone the first time he called me sl*t, b**ch, etc.”. Some of you may say, “A marriage takes two giving 100% and I can make this work.”

I need advice from those of you who have been where I am now with a similar set of circumstances. How did you decide? If you decided to file for divorce, what happened that gave you the push you needed to go forward? If you decided to stay, how did you handle the fear of abuse and how did you get past all the things that happened to make you leave?

bump up

life2short,

Where and how is your daughter through all of this? You are her role model. Do you want her to think that this kind of treatment is normal? Do you want her to be a volunteer victim in the future?

Remind me of your husband and his family's good points - I've forgotten.

My daughter is with me. She is tired of it and wants a resolution, too. No, I don't want her to think it's normal behavior and I've tried to shield her from as much as I can but, she is far from stupid. Apparently she doesn't take after me.
No, I don't want her to follow in my footsteps. I want her to be a strong woman and very unlike me. I do not act in this manner in any other aspect of my life. But,when it comes to relationships, I have a really hard time. I have let him walk all over me and I can't seem to stop it.

Is the situation that I am in very different from what so many others face and, if the answer is yes, in what ways?

Well, I went over that with the IC I went to. Pros and cons. The cons side was a full page. The pros about 3 or 4 and most had to do with him already knowing my past and not having to start all over w/that baggage in a new relationship.

I have to ask again though. Is my situation so very different from so many others that post here? Has my H crossed a line with the emotional abuse that should dictate divorce? I know that no one here can tell me to divorce but I am very much interested in the advice of those who have been down a similar road.

I don't have a relationship with any of his family. His kids are around and I know that kids reach a certain age where you don't really have any control over them but you can control what they do around you and in your house.

Life..while your situation and mine are not necessarily the same, the abuse is. My stbx's abuse comes from alcohol and severe childhood abuse that he's unwilling to see. It's just too much so he tries to drown it with anything that will numb his brain.

The difference being there's nothing that he can "hold over my head" as far as my past mistakes. He just calls me pious and believe you me, I'm anything but pious. But by the Grace of God go I. I know if my parents had been his parents, I would have probably been institutionalized. They traumatized me and soon after our marriage, I rarely went around them.

In the past I too have grappled with the dilemna...what if I'm exiting out of this relationship when God has plans for me here to glorify Him. Living in abuse and neglect, seeing your child suffer from his insanity and losing my own life because he refused to deal with his own could not possibly glorify God. God hates divorce, He doesn't forbid it. When staying does more harm than leaving then it's clear that it's over.

There's a time when we use the faith that God gives us. We're not required to live a "mistake free" life but one in which we put our trust in Him. In God's Word we're given clear justification for divorce-unrepentant adultery and abandonment by an unbelieving spouse. God gave us these specific perimeters that allows divorce. So you see life2short, you are within God's will in a divorce.

I remember when I grappled just as you are now. It took me getting out of the insanity of the abuse, relax and begin to see life's possibilities to find peace...with myself and with God's will.

life,

I think that you should write a Plan B letter explaining to your WH that you can't have ANY contact with him until he has ended his As and contact to the OPs completely and forever and he has committed himself to IC to deal with his abuse issues and has also agreed to MC. Then you should go very, very dark. During this time you should think about what you've said above. You are not taking care of yourself. You need to learn how to set healthy boundaries for yourself.
God wants you to be the best person you can be. Participating and exposing your daughter to an abusive lifestyle is surely not what God has in mind for you.

(((((life))))))

What is your plan to extracate yourself from the business....

why do you have to move to a divorce right now..
why can't you go totally no contact with him and remove yourself from his world..with clearly defined boundaries...that would take atleast a year for him to comply with...then divorce...if not met

and why won't you let God forgive you for whatever silly stupid things you did when you were a teeneager when you do exactly what is asked of us..to reconize behaviors that weren't good or nice...and change them ...

you are not a fourty year old woman acting like a fifteen year old..so why do you let a man punish you for what is not his to punish you for..

why do you speak of God over and over...and yet deny and refuse his forgiveness...all based on the threats and chaos from a MAN who is not a man...but acts like a selfish teenager....and blames you for his own actions...

why are you stuck there...

why don't you forgive yourself.....and then your husbands empty bullstuff that goes on and on and on and on...about what you did twenty some years ago...will mean nothing....
to you OR to anyone else...

isn't a person here that hasn't done things in the past that they don't like or were bad....but they don't and can't stay stuck in them...

ARK

I told you about the missing cell phone bill. I now know I would have seen more of the same.

My H is out of town for the weekend. I have discovered his voicemail password. Checked it this morning.

"Hi Handsome. I have been thinking about you all day today. Blah Blah Blah. If I don't hear from you before I will talk to you on Monday. I love you."



He has been giving me so much grief about going to church because this guy might be there yet he, at the least, has been carrying on an EA, possibly PA!

Now I know why if I call late at night he doesn't answer the home phone but will answer the cell phone.

So, now we have one A, two EAs with at least one of those possibly a second PA. Add that to all the rest.

As for the business, he has assured me that he can get any number of women to help him w/the paperwork. My plan was to give him the business outright. Now I'm not so sure.

Regarding As, does this add anything to the mix in terms of settlement? Should I try to get more proof or just let it and him go?

There's a part of me that wants to go to her house and confront her. Tell her what he has done to me and what kind of person he is but, she probably won't listen. I'm sure he has made me out to be a witch and she has found the catch of her life. I'm sure I just don't understand him.

If I did confront I'm sure he would do everything he could to hurt me w/past and not letting me get stuff out of house, etc.

I'm hurt even though I know it's over and has been for some time. I'm mad that he would put me through what he has while all the time carrying on w/someone else.

Ok guys. Really need some advice here.

I don’t know how many of you believe in prayer. Don’t know how many of you who saw my post and prayed but…………….

Did I find the voicemail because God is allowing my suspicions to be confirmed? I have been praying that God would give me a sign. Is this my sign? This is how I found out about the first affair. I never thought it was an OW but, something just wasn’t right so I snooped. This time everything is wrong and our marriage is in as worse a condition as it has ever been.

So, do I try to get evidence, such as video or pictures, of him at her house or them together or do I leave it alone and move forward w/D? Would it be of any benefit to me, other than righteous indignation, to gather evidence?

I don’t want a long drawn out nasty divorce. I would rather leave a few thousand on the table than draw it out fighting over stuff. Plus, even though I wish I didn’t have to think about it, if I make it hard on him, he will be nasty. He will do whatever he can to hurt me.

Advice, please.

All.

I really have no one to talk to about any of this except you guys. I can't tell my family. I certainly can't talk to my H at this point.
I really need advice about this, i.e.:

1. Do I confront him when he comes home on Monday?
2. Do I try to follow him/have him followed to see if he goes to her?
3. Do I try to gather evidence for any legal proceedings?
4. Do I show my hand and tell him I heard the voicemail?
5. Do I simply contact the attorney, push forward w/divorce and avoice all contact from this point forward?

Advice, please.

I vote five if you are going to divorce...

my question is why not Plan B....

with you seeking legal counsel/seperation to protect yourself...

why the divorce bomb...

which does not mean I am suggesting reconcilliation at this time...but why not plan B which gives him wiggle room and time to make some decisions and gives you boundaries

ARK

I am trying now to figure out how I can do that. My DD still goes to school in area where our home is. She and I don't live in same district. DD goes to our home daily after school; bus drops her there. I go there daily to pick her up.

I'm trying to think of some way to have her either picked up at school or someone's home on her bus route that she can go to so I don't have to have any contact.

It would be hard on her and hard to do Plan B but still go there daily. I also need to read up on Plan B tonight. Look at posts regarding letters written, etc.

life2short..
lets be clear I am not telling you not to divorce...
and I am telling you must be safe...

so my question is which is a more safe route..
will divorce papers send him over the edge...
or will processing some of this crap help you and him...

you need legal counsel before you do A thing...

you need your ducks lined up....

ark

[quote]
or will processing some of this crap help you and him...

Not sure what you mean by this.


I don't think papers would send him over the edge so to speak. He'll just get incredibly nasty because he will take a huge financial loss when we divorce.

Do I need to try to discover more stuff about what's going on with OW? Do I let him know I know?

Does this kind of stuff help in a divorce or do judges not really care about that anymore?

I don't think you do....
check with a lawyer to see what's admissable and advisable

ark

I can't seem to get the quote thing right.

What did you mean by ..
or will processing some of this crap help you and him...

I will call attorney this afternoon if I can reach.

I was looking forward to this being a no contact, peaceful weekend. Now, I'm hurt, aggravated, unsure of what to do next.

L2S,

Why are you lving in chaos? What is it you want and do NOT let that be dependent upon your WH.

What I see over and over again(among so many things) is the failure to move out of a life of chaos and pain to one that is healthy and secure.Why? For some,it seems to be that they are fearful of being on their own,not having a man in their life,financial fears or fear of being alone,etc.

What has this man done for you or give you to make your life happy and safe? Is it positive? Healthy? What's holding you back from letting him go?

I do not advocate D unless I see no way out.I rarely even say that here but maybe 3 times I have to someone.In your case,I am not saying D,but you do need to pull back and regroup.What is it you would like your life to be like? What is healthy for your DD?

I see marriages a bit like a home.If it's not clean,doesn't make you happy and is unsafe,hurtful or falling apart,there are ways to handle all that.Status quo does not apply though.Clean house L2S.Step back and make some notes about what it is you want in this life,marriage and for yourself.If your H is part of the problem,then try and fix it but if he refuses then take action.Life is short and precious.Don't waste years not fulfilling your dreams and picking up after other's.Your WH has his own work to do but he sounds particularly averse to moving in a healthy and positive direction.Don't let him threaten you.Tell him to STOP.You will not have that anymore.YOU are in charge of your life and your DD.

I don't accept repeat adulterers.They either learn their lesson or that's it.Now,that may not be your belief but ask yourself if you are willing to go through like with this man as is.If he gets better,great.But who knows if and when that will happen.Make a promise to yourself and have a plan OK?

DONT LET ANYONE PREVENT YOU FROM LIVING YOUR LIFE TO ITS FULL POTENTIAL.

Be part of the group that ends the cycle of fear and violence.STRENGTH & PRAYERS to you and your DD~

O