Ok, L2S-

I am divorced, with NO REGRETS!! He drank, did drugs and cheated. If he ever would of been physically abusive, I would of left sooner.

I went thru ALL of the "on the fence" stuff, waffling every minute of every day. BEGGING God to fix this so I could be happy again. I tried EVERYTHING to change him, until one day, the light in my head came on, and I realized the ONLY person I could change was, infact, ME! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I know you said that God has no plans for divorce, but actually, it is written somewhere in the Bible, that there ARE biblical grounds, which is ADULTERY. You actually have sprititual grounds to divorce, if that is really what's holding you back.

It sounds like even if you did let him know, that you are aware of his A, it would not matter, because as you said, he WANTS you to know, with the very clear intention of hurting you! I thought I read in your first post of this thread, that he threatend to kill you in your sleep???

This is just me, but even if I WON free, lifetime counseling, from a well known therapist, on some popular talk show, I would STILL not trust this man! Not with my life in his hands!

All emotions set aside, I think you know what you need to do. Set an example for your daughter.

Take care, and I've already prayed about this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer68

PS...Sorry if I came off as harsh, just my take on this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Don't apologize. You didn't come off harsh at all.

You've been where I am now. That's what I need. Sound reasoning. I still love him and am having a hard time letting go even after he's done all he's done.

I understand, L2S. Letting go is the hardest part, but in the long run, when time goes by, eventually, you will look back and say "How did I go on so long like that?" Time heals. It truly does. I didn't think I'd EVER be able to get over it and move on, but here it is now, nearly 11 yrs. later, and I hardly even think about it anymore.

Life is made of many chapters, and this is only one. You never know what God has planned for you, until you finally open the door ALL the way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Just accept now, that "Yes" this hurts, and taking steps forward, will be painful, but just temporarily. I convinced myself by comparing the pain of leaving or staying. The pain of staying, would have been forever. The pain of leaving was temporary. You have to think long-term, here, of the more permanent picture. I couldn't have gone on, knowing I was just "settling", in the M, for this ONE person, who seemed to have the most effect or impact on me and my life, and NOT a positive one! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, just think hard about this, and God will bring you the answers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

I've been thinking so hard my head hurts!!!

I want so much to do the right thing for myself, my DD and my H. I want a great marriage or I want the freedom to move on and he deserves the same thing.

I've painted him to be a real jerk here and in many ways he is!! Regardless of what I've done and/or what he thinks I've done, I have not deserved the way he treated me. I was very good to him. I took care of everything. I've put up w/a lot and taken alot.

I just don't know how to actually break away. Most of me wants to.

We had a discipleship class at my church a few years ago (when he was still going) and one of the things the teacher said was that many people never realize their miracle because they stop just short of it.

We've had some good periods of time in our marriage. Of course, they were interspersed w/a lot of garbage and horrible episodes but, nonetheless I can look back on some good times.

So, am I throwing the towel in too quickly? Before I moved out I did my best to engage my H and try to get him to go to counseling and marriage retreats, etc. He always refused.

After I moved out he was more willing but there had been so much hurt and pain that I didn't want counseling. Now, do we give it one last ditch effort and, if it doesn't work, move forward with divorce? I get conflicting advice from family. Part say dump him. Part say you both have stuff to work on and can make it work if you both try.

So, I'm still quite confused. There are periods of time when he is asking like a real jerk that I relish the time away from him. There are times like now when I am hurting because of what I believe is going on (another A) that I want him to say it's not so and that it's not happening. This is the man that I thought God dropped into my lap and I can't imagine him betraying me like that.

Jeez, I sound so needy!!! How sick!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

Well, I don't know about you, but during the time I was going thru this, I was SOOO wishwasy. When I was with him, I'd DREAM about being alone! When alone, I would miss him, forgetting why I wanted to be alone. But as soon as I would see him and be around him for about TWO minutes, it would all come back to me, why I wanted to be GONE!

It got to the point where it became my fault, for being around to mistreat to begin with. His first couple of mistakes, were his, then it became MINE when I chose to be around it. How do they say, "First time, shame on you, second time, shame on me!" In my case, it was shame on me 2nd, 3rd, 4th ect....! I kept hoping, and denying, until I could hope and deny no more and HAD to face the truth! Somewhere, you have to get to the point where you can accept it for what it is, as painful as it may be. This will come when you have TRULY had enough!

Anyway, you're NOT needy, just HUMAN!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Boy, sounds like my situation. There are times when I get a glimpse of the man I fell in love with and I get hopeful. Then I make him mad and he acts like a jerk and think what a fool I am.

You're right. I have to come to the point where I no longer choose to live this way. Every time I think I've gotten there something happens to make me back down.

I always wonder if that's my stupidity or God saying "not yet".

And if yours is anything like mine was, it did not take much to set him off, just saying, thinking or looking the wrong way! Always on eggshells around him! Boy, I don't miss those days! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I think what might be holding you back, is not stupidity, or God telling you not to, but just plain fear. Fear of the "unknown". You are very familiar with things the way they are right now, and this would be very much like stepping into another, whole world, without knowing if that's where you would want to be, and the fear that if you make that decision, that you wouldn't be able to turn back or change your mind. The finality of it all.

I could be WAAAY off on that, but it's a pretty common feeling of many who are contemplating divorce. The "what ifs". And the feelings of panic one gets when they feel they are about to "lose" someone for good. Just ask yourself, what is it your actually losing? Love? Respect? Partnership? Honesty? ect...Some of these may already be lost. But there is also some gains that go along with divorce. Infact, I started a thread on the divorce board of the emotional gains of divorce, and many came up with quite a bit. SANITY is a big one for me, along with relief and freedom!

And this may sound crazy, but now, my X and I are friends. Only because he now respects me, and takes me seriously. (I STILL would never go back) But, this was one gain, I never expected when we divorced. Weird... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Anyway, I'm starting to ramble here, I just really feel like I could relate to you and your situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Prayers to you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

(( life2short ))

What would you do if you were not afraid ???

I remember reading this advise to someone on this board and when I read it - I cried. It really hits home. Just passing it on to you. Hope it helps a little bit.

You are not alone.

Best regards - carnation

Jennifer 68,
There are a lot of areas where I walk on eggshells. Stuff that we can't really talk about without an immediate argument, like kids.

A lot of it is fear and the finality thing. I'm really confused by all my emotions. When I think about it logically I know you're right. What would I be losing? But then the emotions all come crashing back in and I get really down about the whole thing.

If divorces could be obtained in about 3 days I would have had one years ago!!! But, the process takes just long enough and there are so many steps to go through that by the time I get the resolve to push forward before I can get all the way through I get cold feet. I do the "what ifs" and I get emotional about it again.

For me a big part of this is emotional. There's a Christian song (can't think of artist) with this line in it:

"When the sacred is torn from life and we survive". That really sums it all up for me. The pain I feel knowing that the man that I gave my life to would consider me so little that he would have an A.

Carnation:
If I wasn't afraid and I could separate my emotions from the mix, I would probably be divorced. But, my problem is that I can't!!!! Not at this point anyway.

Ok. Someone out there please answer this one.

I've asked my H if he wants to go to counseling and see if we can make our M work. I've asked him if he wants to go to another church together for awhile to see if we have a chance. I'm not saying pack up and me go back home, just see if we have any chance left.

Is this stupid on my part?

I've been very mixed up through this whole ordeal; heck, for the last few years!!!! Am I trying this last ditch effort because I think somebody else wants him and it scares me that he might not be there at some point?

Saw this quote on one of the emails sent to me:

"The minute you settle for less than you deserve, you get even less than you settle for."

Is THIS the question you really want to ask?

How about reframing your question to read :

[color:"blue"]Is this smart on my part? [/color]

Correct.

Is this smart on my part?

Now, was that a retorical question on your part as in:

How stupid can you be or...

There are none so blind as those who will not see?!?!?!?!?!

I get really confused by some of what I see here. There are so many of us who take and take and take and keep going on in the marriage.

I know the answer is probably different for everyone who posts here but, how do you know that you know that the time is ripe to move on and just let go and end it?

I know all of these are questions that only I can answer because I'm the only one that has to live with the decisions I make but, I like some others, really have no one but you guys to bounce these things off. No one in my family really knows what's going on.

L2S,

You know, when you've finally had enough. When you finally say to yourself, "NO MORE, I'm worth MORE than THIS!" You find ways of detatching, with a little distance, then a little more distance, until you wouldn't have it any other way, then to be completely FREE, dependent on yourself and happy and content with the new adjustment in your life. It's a very "carefee" feeling! It comes in stages, but very worth the steps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Are you afraid to tell your family what's going on? Or are you afraid that they will judge your H. I know I was too humiliated for people to know anything, and I wanted to protect him from the judgements of others. I'm not sure why, but I didn't want others to view him as the jerk he was, like it was some kind of reflection of ME or something. Another thing I hated, was the pity I was getting, and all the unwanted advice. I did not have access to a site like this, during that time.

I was lucky with the divorce, in the state that I lived in at the time. It was final the day I went to court. Walked out of the courthouse with the decree in my hand. I had the paperwork prepared for a while, and sitting on the edge of my lawyers desk, with the warning, that when this happens, it will be a "spur of the moment" kind of thing, so BE READY! (Unfortunately, that is how I've always been! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />) And when that day FINALLY came,(the day I got the "bird" on Mother's Day!) it took only one phone call, and the ball was rolling, and DONE WITH! NO time to think or change my mind! I've never regretted this!

Anyway, here I go again, rambling away!! My life would make the PERFECT country song! Someone call GARTH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

You'll know, when you've had enough.

Prayers to you...

Jennifer

I still can't figure out quotes or the smiley faces!!!!
---------
You find ways of detatching, with a little distance, then a little more distance, until

I've done this to an extent but something always pulls me back. I can go for a few weeks and then wham!!! I'm right back where I was before. And, sadly, I can handle it more when he's being a jerk than when he is distant or kind. How screwed up is that?
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Are you afraid to tell your family what's going on? Or are you afraid that they will judge your H. I know I was too humiliated for people to know anything, and I wanted to protect him from the judgements of others. I'm not sure why, but I didn't want others to view him as the jerk he was, like it was some kind of reflection of ME or something.

Yeah. I don't want my family to know that my H could betray me w/another W and I am still contemplating staying w/him. Also, if we do end up staying together (and that's a slim chance) I know that knowledge would make them hate him and I think it would make me look even more stupid in their eyes. Also, I'm really close w/my family and that kind of tension really makes for bad relationships.
-------------------
In my state an uncontested D takes 31 days from the day it is filed. No court appearance necessary if the judge signs it. After judges signs and the 31 days are up, it's final.

If I could get the D in about 3 days I would have been divorced at least 100 times by now. It's just the finality of it all that really depresses me and the fact that I could get depressed over ending something that has for the most part been so-so at best is depressing!!!!

Thanks for your thoughts, your continued postings and, most of all, your prayers. I really need them.

We had a discipleship class at my church a few years ago (when he was still going) and one of the things the teacher said was that many people never realize their miracle because they stop just short of it.

and when life2 raised her hand and told the teacher and the class..

how her husband sitting next to her...calls her horrendous names...

holds threats over her head over what she did when she was FIFTEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!

and
has hurt her now and then...

the teacher said....
well life2...just stay there and wait for the miracle....if you and your self esteem can survive the wait...

perhaps the you are stopping short of the miracle by waffling by his side...

he needs to fix things himself..
he needs to work on things himself..

and then perhaps a miracle..

ARK
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

perhaps the you are stopping short of the miracle by waffling by his side...

...and therein lies the rub. Not quite sure what that phrase really means but, to me it means ...

... and therein lies the problem. I am having a VERY hard time separating the emotion from the reality. When I take a long hard objective look at what I have it is very easy to see what I need to do. But, I can't separate the emotion long enough to take the steps that need to be taken.

A lot of the folks on this site that are of a religious bent have Bible verses and sayings in their signature lines, such as:
Let go and let God.
With God all things are possible.
and on and on and on

This is where I really grapple with what to do. I've made a lot of mistakes in this marriage also. I don't take ownership of the reason why he acts as he does. That's his 100% but, I have not done a lot of the things that are recommended here such as Plan A. I got to this site late in the game (we've been separated almost 2 years). I am afraid that he may be having another EA/PA that developed in the last few months. So, my heart hurts because I fear he may have moved on and I haven't. I have hope still hanging like a thread and I don't know if it's too late. I don't know how I feel anymore.

I'm not sure how to hamdle all this. Before he left on weekend trip last weekend (and OW definitely did not go; know this for sure) he was still asking me why I wouldn't go w/him, still contacting me, still getting mad if I did something he didn't like.
Now, he is distant. Telling me to do whatever I want to do 'cause it doesn't matter to him. Says he has decided he needs to make some changes in his life. Guess I'm one of them.

I am really not sure what to make of this. Has he "fallen in love" w/OW therefore he has no concern for me? He has done this before so I don't know if it's a phase or what.

I'm really confused. I'm confused by his actions. I'm confused by my reaction to his actions.

Phew!!! This stuff is really draining on the emotions.

IMPORTANT POINT:

No one here cares one whit about OW or her involvement in your H's life ... the primary issue is that you are in an abusive M irregardless of an affair.

If OW fell off the planet, your H <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> would still be abusive.

His abuse centers around the belief that I have had an A w/OM. That is not true but I have done enough things that makes him think so.

Was the way he acted right? Absolutely not.

I am not a violent person and I am not going to curse someone out and throw things at them. I don't understand that mentality. But, there are times that I wish I could I was so mad at him.

I know it sounds like I'm making excuses and I guess I am. I guess I'm trying to rationalize what he did.

But, I just don't really understand the sudden change and I don't know what to do about it.