L2S,

I don't know if we are cross posting, or if you simply aren't interested in my advise. Either way, I hope you're ok.

Jennifer

J68,
No, I didn't see your response. Sorry.

And yes, I do value your opinion very much.

I have two questions:
1) Do I tell him what I know and how I know, i.e. tell him about the voicemails and seeing him at OW house last Friday night? Also VM from her last night about him not calling her when he left. (BTW he has change password to VM and I haven't figured it out yet.)

2) Secondly, do I tell him that I'm done with the games and then ...... what? Do I give him an ultimatum, OW or me?

Do I tell him that I will have no contact until he has broken off w/OW? Do I tell him that I am moving forward
w/divorce proceedings?

What exactly do I do?

I know you said NC. Is this the same as Plan B? How far do I take this? Do I simply disappear out of his life and, if yes, for how long?

Do I start separate checking account and start separating everything out?

Do I start prepping for divorce or just sit tight and see what happens?

life,
You are running around like crazy. You have no plan. You are simply reacting to whatever he does instead of thinking about how YOU can regain control of this situation.

Forget about what WH and OW are doing for the moment. Have you read up on Plan A and Plan B? Have you read about them on this site and/or in the book *Surviving an Affair*?

The answers to most of the questions you are asking will be found there.

Do you have a PLAN for how to handle this, or will you just keep on wildly bouncing off of whatever happens like the ball inside a pinball machine?
Mulan

At this point I am like a raft in a river full of rocks. I'm just bouncing off the rocks as I hit them.

I don't have a clue what I'm doing, what I should be doing.

I am so angry with myself for letting things get this far and be so crazy for this long.

I want to tell him what I know because I'm so tired of the lies. I want my husband back and my life back. I want my home back. I want what I don't have and it hurts.

I can't do Plan A to the fullest extent because we are separated. I've done a lot to continue helping him and I have enabled him to be w/OW.

I don't know how Plan B will work because he apparently couldn't care less. But, if Plan B is the best option I have at this point to bring all this to an end, so be it.

Question - Church. Do I go to another church at this point because he doesn't want me at mine because of OM or do I tell him that i will go to my church as long as he continues R w/OW?

Ok, I'm glad I didn't scare you off!

Here would be my answers to your Q's.

1) No, do not confront him with what you know.
2) Yes, you are done with the games, without the ultimatum.

Yes, start dividing your joint interests, and begin to protect your side of it. If he's capable of breaking your heart and breaking your vows, and has the potential for violence, then I'm sure he's capable of just about anything.

How long should you disappear? Indefinately. Long enough to clear your head, heart and soul.

You have more to think of, then just surviving an affair. And when you've had enough time away from all of this, you will be able to actually SEE this.

Hope this makes sense... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Life - please. Just stop. Take a very deep breath and just STOP.

You need more information so you can make a plan. You can't go on like this indefinitely. Asking 10,000 different questions an hour is not going to help you. You need to get some information on your own and then you will know what questions to ask instead of trying to ask about everything at once.

Read the articles on this site. Not just the forums -- go up to the top and click on "Articles".

Order *Surviving an Affair*. You can get it from this website or from Amazon.com or possibly from your local bookstore.

*Love Must Be Tough* by James Dobson is good, too.

Okay. Breathe. Start reading. Then think about what you want to ask. It will all make a lot more sense then.
Mulan

Why would I not tell him that I know what he has been doing?

What reason do I give him for "disappearing"? Do I tell him that I sense that he is no longer interested in making our marriage work so I am removing myself from his life?

Do I not say anything about the OW and the part that the A is playing in all this?

I truly would like to work on the M and I am confused by how any of this would help if I am not telling him that I know what's going on and am asking him to give OW up.

Help.

I really want to get all out in the open but I'm confused about the premises of NC versus Plan B.

Need help.

Telling him what you know could easily backfire on you. (He could use it against you and blame you)

Tell him that as awkward as it may feel, you sense that you should back away for a while, and take some time to clear your head. He'll know you know something. And that's all he NEEDS to know for now.

I know you just want your life back, and this hurts, but if you want any quality of your life back, it's time to take this seriously.

If I want him to end the A (I believe it is in the beginning stages and may not be PA yet) wouldn't walking away be counterproductive? That would give him even more "reason" to pursue OW.

If I walk away what would I tell him that would make him understand that this is not what I want but simply what I see as a necessity because of the way he is acting?

Also, my DD goes there after school daily. Hard to fix that one but not impossible. Company paperwork - I do a lot of that. I know it would be his problem but that might make things worse.

I'm just confused. If I make him mad how will NC make things better or is the intent of NC to totally destroy what's left?

You know, Mulan is right. Slow down and read up. This is one thing you could do to occupy your mind, by reading and learning, and rebuilding your strength. Something healthy for YOU. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

J68, Mulan,
I have read most of those articles as well as many other posts, etc. here.

I'm just really confused about how to move forward without exposing the A. Or, are you saying that this is beyond all help/repair and I just need to move on by myself.

Questions:
1. This is the point I'm really confused on. Part A is to break up the affair, Part B is if Part A doesn't work. Is NC the same as Plan B? (Maybe I've been reading TOO MUCH!!!)

2. Should I just tell him that he needs to decide what he wants and I am going to give him the time and space to make that decision. Should I tell him that i am going to separate our checking account, cancel joint credit card, pay 1/2 mortgage and rest is on him since I no longer live there? SHould I tell him he needs to get someone else to help him w/paperwork or do it himself since he seems to have too much free time?

3. Why would I not tell him that I know what's going on w/OW? Why would I not want to do something toward breaking that up?

Walking away would not be counterproductive, it would be making a statement; an act of respect for yourself, by saying, "As much as I love you, I respect myself even MORE, and will no longer allow myself to be a part of this."

You know, ordinarily, I would be all for reading up and learning everything there is out there to save a marriage, but I can't seem to get past the abuse and threats he's made towards you. This is not just about an affair, L2S.

But as for now, just order the books as suggested, and take some time out for yourself, to get educated with this, so you can get some kind of plan in order.

bump

please read about plan A and plan B

you need to do a good plan A and expose the affair before you are ready to consider plan B

you CAN plan A while separated

How can I do a good Plan A when I am not living in home w/H and he doesn't want me back home at this point?

Where are some good Plan A posts for this while separated?

Please click on the link below:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

Mulan

bumping this up

Had conversations w/H about the OW. Told him just about everything that I knew. H says it was all "a joke". OW is a counselor of sorts and told my H that a couple of times in the past she has intentionally left VMs on other mens' mailboxes that wife had access to so wife would hear and think something was going on and get concerned. Said OW said this made wife get off fence.

The VMs were just ploys to get me to make decision. Now, H says he isn't sure what he wants and thinks D would be best thing to do. Too much to get past for HIM.... my R w/OM at church, way I treated his kids, way I don't discipline my child, way I have lied about stuff, on and on and on.

Said he thinks he can be happy w/OW but that they've only been good friends to this point. Says that he won't give OW up as a friend.

So, that's where we are.

I've asked him about MC. He says right now he thinks it would be a waste of $.