Jennifer,
I'm doing okay. Still letting him get to me. I wish I didn't but I do. H told me what I believe are a couple of whopper stories to cover his tracks Friday night and yesterday evening. I am seriously considering A GPS device just to see what's really going on.

I guess the thing that makes me the maddest is that he accuses me of all sorts of stuff that I'm not doing but when I confront him about some of the weird stuff he does he blows up, cusses me out and hangs up. Did that a little while ago.

The latest thing now is that he is saying that if I have to have an answer right now as to what is going on between us we need to go file for D. I don't know if he's bluffing or if he is so wrapped up in OW or what. A friend seems to think that if I said "OK" let's go file, he would back down. I'm not so sure. Scared to take that leap.

He won out again about the church thing; I stayed home. But, now he's saying I need to go. All along he has gotten nasty when I went; now he says I need to go to prove to myself that I can be around OM but not talk to him. I don't need to prove that to myself. I don't have anything to do w/OM. Not sure what that is supposed to mean unless he just doesn't care anymore what I do.

JPH
You've got to find that place within you that I refer to as the "that's crap" flag. I learned to recognize the "crap" he spewed my way to manipulate me. When it didn't work anymore, my life was so much easier.

You're right. I guess that's why I want to do the GPS thing and find out exactly what's been going on. He makes up these unbelievably complex stories about what's going on and I think it's total "c**p". I just don't know why he is still holding on. If he doesn't want me in his life and he wants this OW then why doesn't he go file unless it's that I help him w/paperwork and my $ is still paying the bills and is at his disposal 100%.

L2S,

I'm glad to see you here, today. I have to leave for a while, but would like to check back here to chat with ya', if you'd like. I'm not trying to be pushy on ya' with my opinions, just want to make sure you're ok.

Jennifer

I'll be here.

Well, I'm back.

I think the reason he's accusing you of stuff, is to cover his own actions. It's the ol' "turn the tables" trick. To justify his actions in his own mind.

Also, the part about "having to answer right now"...how long has this been going on? Is he asking you to wait, or else it will just be divorce? He could use that to keep you in limbo, FOREVER, just so he can have the best of both worlds, with no regards to your feelings. It's all about him, "right now", and more likely, always will be, L2S.

I know you are in ******, L2S! And there is no place more painful then this. I just worry about your emotional, spiritual and physical safety. Don't quit going to church over this. If ever you needed the spiritual guidance, it would be now. Hang in there...

Jennifer

Life..do you really need the GPS? You know what he's spewing out at you is "crap" because as you say he makes up these unbelievable stories. If someone asks me where I've been I just say where I've been. There's no story that needs to go along with it unless I'm doing something I'm not supposed to be doing. See that's the "crap flag." Once you refuse to be manipulated by him, it will be easier and easier to see what he is doing.

I agree with Jennifer wholeheartedly. Don't quit going to church. That business about the OM that was never an OM is his manipulation of you. I remember when my stbx was a WH and he accused me of having an affair with my boss. It was so ridiculous that I laughed out loud. Their minds are so messed up that anything that comes out of their mouths should be disregarded.

Could it be that he's addicted to the drama in your lives and he's feeding off your fears? Make an appointment with your pastor and maybe he or a suggested counselor can help you with those fears.

You also might want to consider eliminating his access to your finances and assistance in paperwork. That would tell you if your suspicions about staying around for the $ is valid.

L2S,

I hope I haven't come on too strong with my opinions. My intensions are not to drive you away, or cause you more pain than you already have.

I really do wish the best with whatever direction your situation goes. I apologize, if I was too forward with my thoughts. I tend to think outloud, too much, sometimes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Take Care....Jennifer

You know, I'm not really sure what's going on anymore. It seems that, at least in his mind, he has successfully convinced himself that I am the cause of all our problems. If I hadn't lied about my past as a teenager he would never have married me or had the first affair. If I hadn't treated his kids so horribly he would never have treated me the way he did. If I hadn't continued to lie about my past for years he wouldn't have moved my stepson/wife/baby in when I finally told him the truth. If I hadn't talked to the OM at church, he would never have stopped going. If I hadn't talked to the OM he would never have resumed relationship w/2nd EXW. If I hadn't stayed away he wouldn't have started friendship w/OW. If I hadn't made him so mad, he wouldn't have cursed me out, thrown stuff at me, threatened to expose my past, etc. etc. etc.

It's all my fault.

I don't want to stop going to church for many reasons, none of which have anything to do with OM. I have told him we can go to a different church together. Now he doesn't want to.

JPH
As for the GPS thing, no, I don't need it to confirm anything but, you'd have to know my H to know that he will go to great lengths for this type stuff. There's a real possibility that he did exactly what he said he did. He's strange that way. He loves to play cat and mouse games. You may be right - he probably does love the drama. There's something going on all the time w/him.

I guess I would just really like to know what's going on. I think the not knowing is worse than knowing what I'm truly dealing with.

And, if I truly find out that he is telling lies about what's going on I HOPE that might give me the final push I need to say "no more" and proceed w/D.

Ok, I could understand now, why you'd want to know. Maybe this would be a push for you. I know that's what it took for me to "see the light". But sometimes, seeing too much, can be very painful, as well. And very hard to forget or wipe out of your mind. Are you prepared for what you could find out, or actually "see" with your own eyes?

I normally wouldn't discourage finding out anything you need to know, but you have bigger reasons for leaving, besides this. But if that is what it would take for you, then maybe you should. I really do wish you the best!

Jennifer

WH has developed a friendship w/elderly man who helps him do some woodworking. Never wanted to take me along b/c this man curses a lot and my H says that would make me uncomfortable.

Well, just found out by adding together bits and pieces my WH has said over last couple of weeks that this elderly man and his wife are the step dad and mom of the OW!!!

Do I tell my WH what I know? No wonder he didn't want me over there. OW is probably going w/him when he goes.

WH says he wants our M to work but doesn't want to be hurt anymore or to hurt me if it doesn't work. He wants to take one day at a time. We remain separated, don't go to church together, he still gets separate life like this......

Advice, please.

L2S...I'm sorry to hear about this. It seems you are finding out more as you go. Are you holding up alright thru all of this?

Even though he tells you he wants the M to work out, I'm sad to say, that in my opinion, it just won't. He will continue to hurt you. And as far as you hurting him??? That's the "table turning" game, to cause you guilt, by shifting it all on you. It's an excuse for him to carry on whatever it is he's doing, that he KNOWS is wrong. He seems to be VERY good at this, L2S. Because it seems to work.

L2S, there are SOOO many people out there, who would treat you SOOO much better than this, and you won't ever know who they are, or how it feels, to be loved, cherished and respected as a WELL DESERVING, WORTHY HUMAN BEING of a WOMAN, if you allow this situation to continue. YOU, a real, LIVE human being, with REAL feelings, deserve waaay better than to live like this, in your own personal prison. Honey, you've done your time, and you can be released at ANY time. But it's up to you, to take the first steps, and actually walk thru that door... of FREEDOM. Freedom of saddness, sorrow, grief, guilt, despair and ABUSE. There is another WHOLE world out there, L2S, if you choose to take a look. And I hope you do, because it's not all as ugly as we think. There IS some good out there. Don't rob yourself of this! Afterall...Life IS 2 Short <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />...

Please take care, and keep posting!

Jennifer

Yesterday was our anniversary. I spent night at house and didn't tell him I was. Wanted to surprise him. Well, backfired on me. He was mad b/c I didn't tell him. Thought I was trying to catch him w/OW. Said I couldn't expect him to just "jump" b/c now I want M to work. Said he didn't think it was going to work. Called me all sorts of nasty names again and got really angry over nothing!! Said he doesn't trust me, that I'm always trying to catch him in something. "Hit dogs holler"!!!

He had to work late on a job (this I know was true). When he came in he said very little. This morning he acted as though last night never happened.

I don't really know what to do from here.

I am doing okay but I am really getting hurt all over again. I am going to try my best to back off; let go and let God. I don't want to hurt anymore and I know I'm just doing it to myself.

When the weekend rolls around, if he tells me that he's going to the elderly man's house to help him w/some project (he spends a lot of time over there and I'm sure OW meets him there or he picks her up and takes her since it's her mom's house) I am really considering just going over there and confronting him. That might be stupid on my part and I might be creating a mess for myself but, I wonder if they know that he's married.

Oh well, just rambling. I want a resolution one way or the other. I think my head knows it's over and that it should be but, my heart hasn't caught up yet. I miss what we had and I keep holding on to the what-ifs.

I really feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I am getting very desperate and I hate feeling that way. I'm doing as much as I can from afar (Plan A) but we still argue. He baits me with little comments that I try to ignore.

There are times when I want to go to Plan B and avoid all contact. I think about changing financial stuff, getting important stuff out of house and let him handle everything. That's what he'll do if we D.

But then, I think about just packing my stuff and going back home and telling him to deal w/it. Tell him if he doesn't want me there he can leave.

Then, I think that I really need to go forward with D and let him have OW. Maybe they can be happy together and I can get on w/my life.

I think I think too much. My emotions are in such turmoil I don't know which plan to do: A, B or D.

L2S, did you see my previous post, right before your last 2 posts? I still mean every word of it! You're TOOO good for this. Which is worse, living with your secrets exposed by H, or living like this the rest of your life? The secrets are in your past, THIS situation, is your present. What do you wish for your future, L2S?

Every time I get close to saying "no more" something always happens to pull me back. I don't know why that happens. I know that I am not to blame for the way he has acted. I know that he chose to do what he did just as I chose to make the mistakes I've made.

For my future I want to be in a committed relationship with someone I can share my life with. I am just having such a hard time letting go. I don't want it to be over and I don't know what to do. I keep thinking that something is going to happen to wake him up or wake me up.

I'm just in a state of total confusion. I love him and want to make it work. I know that sounds crazy but I miss him. I know a lot of folks probably think I'm pretty stupid or pathetic or whatever but, I can't imagine him being totally out of my life.

I know you can't imagine life without him, but can you imagine even giving yourself the chance to imagine it? Imagine having that committed relationship with someone. Someone you could share your life with. This COULD happen! It CAN be possible! With someone who would love you the way you would WANT to be loved. And someone who would accept your love in return, and appreciate it. Do you ever wonder what this would be like? Think about this, seriously.

Ok, L2S, don't run off on me, now!

L2S...Are you around today?

Jennifer,
I'm around. Had some family issues to deal w/last night (not related to H). Actually, DD and I spent night w/H though. She got there early and I came much later. We stayed there all day; H had to work. Just got back to our house a few minutes ago. Didn't want to risk accessing web from H's (our) house.

Yes. I have imagined a life w/someone who would love me for me. Someone I didn't have to lie to about my past or someone who would love me as I am and not for things I can't undo. I've thought too about being able to start fresh w/someone who has never cheated on me, never done the hurtful things that my H has done.

I really don't know what's going on. He gets mad over nothing and says he doesn't want to be married to me anymore and then turns right around and says he loves me and wants it to work, misses what we had but doesn't want to hurt me or to be hurt anymore.

Then, there's the thing with the OW. I don't know if she's a friend or EA/PA. I do know that elderly man H's been so secretive about is actually OW's stepdad. H mentioned going over there again tomorrow. I'm tempted to go as well just to see if he is there. If he isn't then he's probably with OW. Of course, she may go w/him.

I'm very tempted to go there and actually ring bell and introduce myself. I'm sure H would go ballistic. Good. They need to see what he's capable of.

I don't know. I don't know what to do, think, feel, say, etc. anymore. I am in real turmoil. I need a solution to the mess I've gotten myself in. I don't know why I can't let go if that's what I'm supposed to do. Maybe I'm having a hard time because I'm not supposed to let go.

I'm really so tired of trying to figure out what everything means. In late December he was text messaging me that I was the love of his life and he never knew true love until me. Then less than 4 weeks later he's not sure he wants us together.

I just don't know.

Well, L2S, even if you don't pursue a D right now, I think you should seriously consider at least a Plan B. Go dark, for a while. Others here can help you better with this plan. But you definately need some structure with whatever you plan to do. Things are too scrambled for any progress to happen.

I hope you are ok. I often think of you and your situation. Take Care...Jennifer

Get off that A rollercoaster and get a good plan. Can you call Steve @ MB for some phone cousenling?

L.