Talked to him late last night. He was still pretty down. Said he was at male friend's house but for a period of time he wouldn't answer cell phone or respond to text messages. He lives w/his cell phone by his side so that makes me suspicious. I could call the friend to check up on him but not sure if I should or if I want to know.

Says he is going to OWs parents' home today to do some stuff for stepdad. That really hurts b/c he knows how I feel. His feeling is that they have done nothing wrong, he likes them. According to him, they told him that I could come around if I didn't cause trouble. H says OW told them that I rode by their house last Sun and then followed/confronted them. I don't know if that actually happened or not. H says a lot of stuff that I can't really check out w/o making things worse.

I am praying that God will open his eyes/heart or that he will definitively open mine and give me direction. I hate the place I'm in right now but I also don't know which way to go: try to hang on or give up and move forward w/divorce. I know that I have biblical reason for D but this site is all about reconciling and getting past the hurt.

All who read this and believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me when you think about it. I need it desperately.

I didn't call my H this morning. He called me. Said he was either going to OWs parents' house or to his daughter's. Later this morning, told me he was going to his daughter's. He kept calling me little pet names that meant so much at one point. (It really hurts that he would still go there w/o me, knowing that I will be wondering if OW is there, etc.) But, that was the same thing he did after first A. He would still go to his sister's where A started and I was not asked to go.

Paged me earlier and told me he loved me.

I went to church this morning; same church that OW goes to. He told me to tell her he said "hello" if I saw her. I said "Are you serious"? He laughed, said no and acted like he got mad.

Told me this morning that the guy his daughter is dating/living with doesn't make much $ and he wants to buy a truck that the guy can use to do over-the-road trucking to make more $(probably 20-30K to buy). Not sure if this was my H's idea, my SD's idea, etc. Asked me how I felt about it. I told him that I don't know the guy; I've never met him. I don't know anything at all about the situation. Can't make such a decision. Acted like he got mad.

There's no way he can buy the truck and be able to pay me what I will be owed if we D. Not sure if this is a game to be able to use my $ to do this for SD or what.

I want so desperately to make a good decision over this. I'm beginning to make my family mad b/c I can't decide on what to do.

Hello, L2S. I just prayed about this. I prayed for God's will to take place in this situation, and to give you the strength to follow His will, in whatever direction it takes.

I also prayed for your H. That God would somehow touch him, as well. That however this turns out, he would do right by you and God , whether it means staying or going.

I hope you are doing well, today! God Bless...

Jennifer

Thanks!!! Above all, I want to do whatever is in God's will. I never want anyone who has read my posts to come away thinking I was/am a saint that has never done anything wrong. That would be very untrue.

I wear my feelings on my sleeve and have been accused of "pouting" when things don't go my way - probably true.

I need to learn to be more tolerant of others. I need to be less judgmental over what others do. I can ususally do that better when those people aren't affecting my life as is the case with my stepkids.

I need to learn to speak my mind more often rather than saying "that's okay" when I really mean "no".

There is a part of me that believes that the best thing would be for us to divorce. He could meet someone new (or continue with OW or 2nd EXW) that he doesn't have such a bad history with. His kids are now grown but definitely not on their own financially; almost 20 and 21 1/2. They still look to him to bail them out. Guess that's what kids do sometimes but he needs to start looking at what he's going to do for retirement. He has bad health problems that could (God forbid) leave him disabled. He has not saved any $ for retirement since he lost his job in '99. I worry that they will suck him dry of all extra resources and then he will be destitute and unable to work and they will be on their merry way.

There's comfort in a R w/him b/c he knows my past. Yeah, he uses it against me but, I would have to go through all that again w/someone new. We basically enjoy the same things and have roughly the same goals. Mine are more future oriented than his though. He's more for the moment and not waiting for the big stuff. I'm more for working on getting the house I'll retire in and then I want to have the $ to travel and have fun being retired. Don't want to have to work until I'm almost 70!! When I retire I want to be young enough to be able to enjoy it.

If we do get divorced, I will have a hard time finding someone that I could open up to about my past; afraid of a similar reaction as my H had.

Maybe someone w/a better past than mine is what he needs. I have a bad R w/his kids. Not all my fault but it exists just the same.

I really want my life to be settled. I surely don't want to continue as I have been in this limbo land. Not married, not divorced. No true home that I can call my own.

I'm really tired and want to move in one direction or the other. Now he says if I have to know now, we need to move forward with D. So, now I tread lightly so as not to push him.

Oh, well.

First off, L2S, NONE of us are saints. Infact we are ALL sinners. As far as being judgemental, I think that comment is over-rated and used to loosely! If whatever is going on is part of YOUR life, you have EVERY reason in the world to "judge", in order to decide if you want it to be a part of your life or not. It's called "Using your best Judgement". You can't change it, just not be a part of it.

Even though you would have to go thru the sharing your past with someone new, it sure would be nice to have someone who wouldn't use it against you, every time something doesn't go his way. This would be one of the specail traits of someone new, to love you for who you ARE and not who you WERE.

It seems your H has a more difficult time with your past than anyone. And unless you've murdered someone, I can't imagine what would be SOOO awful, that you feel the need to stay this guy! Whatever your past is, is between you and GOD! And He is the only one you should have to answer to!

He is using the D card, in order to keep things the way they are. Because it works, (for him).

L2S...you mentioned that you asked him if you needed to back off, to give him the chance to decide what he wants, and he said, "No". If you were to back off and give him space, it shouldn't be because you asked him if it is what HE wants, it should because it would be something YOU need to do. You base too many decisions on his thoughts, opinions and reactions. Your're leaving the decision making up to him. When it's YOU who should make a decision concerning YOUR life! If you continue to leave things up to him, you will continue to live in limbo, like you have been for so long, now. He's not in the right frame of mind, to be making any decisions concerning the rest of YOUR life.

You said you prefer to make long term goals, concerning your future. This is one of those decisions that should be included in your long term goals. Because this situation plays a role, and will effect your long term goals.

Anyway, L2S, just know that we are here and willing to listen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Take Care...Jennifer

PS...any progress in coming up with a plan? Whether this works out or not, you still need a plan. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> God Bless...

Jennifer,

Loved your post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just what she needed to hear. Hard to swallow but if she does, it will really help her.

Mahalo,
L.

We can only pray, Orchid! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

By judgmental, I'm talking mainly about stuff that his kids have done. I have a past that I'm not proud of and I have often discovered things they were trying to do and stopped it or at least let my H know so he could stop them. Felt that they were making mistakes so I tried hard to steer them in other directions. I never was really allowed to have any say even though they lived w/us and I helped support them $. My point was that I knew the kinds of stuff kids get into and I was determined not to have them go thru some of what I did.

I often told my SD that you need to make wise choices so you won't look back w/shame on your past. I was simply speaking from experience. I didn't/don't want them to go through what I have.

I guess what I'm saying is that I am not as compassionate about other people and the mistakes they've made as I should be given the mistakes I've made.

Yes, my past is between me and God. He has forgiven me for my past. I don't need my H's forgiveness for something that a) I can't undo and b) something that I did before I ever knew him. I do need his forgiveness for lying to him about it. In that I was very wrong.

As for the D card, what he has said is that for the last 2 years, I had to have things my way. I would not work on the M. I would not come home. I could not see the changes he had made b/c I wasn't home to see them. There was no reason for him to change b/c I wasn't there to see the changes. And on and on and on.

Now, he says (and this is my reading between the lines) it's his turn. I've had it my way for 2 years. Now, granted that two years has seen a lot happen. He has been incredibly nasty, he resumed R w/his 2nd EXW just to hurt me. He now has OW "friend" and has lied about that. But, I believe he feels justified in saying I must wait or we must go forward w/D.

A part of me wants to say "OK", D is it. Yet, I hesitate. A couple of days ago I replayed some voicemails he left me in late Dec/early Jan. He was telling me how much he loved me and wanted me in his life. How much he was willing to do to make it work. Now, he says he's not sure. I keep asking him what has changed and he can't really answer that question. He just says that he kept telling me that I was pushing him away.

As for a plan, no, I don't have one. I'm reading the three books I bought yesterday. Started w/Surviving an A.

I have not tried to call him all day. He called me a few minutes ago and said he would call again when he got home. Guess he went to SD's like he said but I didn't ask. Don't want to know.

Oh well. I will post later. Thanks to you and Orchid for hanging w/me. God bless you both.

Love shouldn't be about keeping score or revenge. You say you need his forgiveness, which means you are sorry. Is he? Has he said he needs your forgiveness? Has he been beating himself up for his mistakes, as you've been doing? Is he going out of his way to prove to you, the way you are trying to prove yourself to him? Is he showing you, with his actions, and his respect for you and the marriage, that he wants to wipe the slate clean, stand up for what's right, and start over, fresh? Do his "changes" matter, right now, with all the damage that has been done, including physical abuse?

I'm sorry L2S...I don't mean to add to your pain. I am just REALLY concerned for your emotional and physical well-being. Which ever way this goes, this situation needs a break of some kind. Think of the plan, and follow thru with it.

I'll keep praying on this, L2S <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />...Take Care,

Jennifer

He has asked for my forgiveness many times but, it has always been followed by some nastiness when things didn't go his way. We've been separated x 2 years. The M was bad even before that. We've both done things that did not help to repair the M.

There have been times that he has said he wanted to start over, wanted me to come home and wanted us to work on putting things back together. But, there were still issues that I felt needed to be resolved before we took that step. I still believe that we need counseling first. I'm willing to do that. He isn't. I don't know what he would say/do if tomorrow I said we need to either start counseling or start divorce proceedings.

Yesterday he said he thought it was best to get a divorce and then down the road see what happens. I know that if we get a D we will never get back together. I don't know why he would even think that was a possibility. If we can't fix it now, there would be no hope after it's all over with. Plus, his kids play a huge part in this in them trying to manipulate the situation and telling him that they don't want me around.

No, he isn't really trying to prove anything at this point except that he doesn't want to try; just wants things his way. Keeps saying it was all about me the last two years. Perhaps there's some truth in that but, the things he did while we were separated has made it very difficult to want to work things out. I'm at the point though that I beliewe we need to give it one final chance. If we can't make it work then we need to end it.

I simply hate the thought of starting over and being on my own alone again. I know that's really where I am now and I know that's no reason to keep this going. It's simply my frame of mind at this point. There are things that I love about him and could be building blocks to a good marriage. We've both made mistakes.

Thanks for the prayers.

Ok, L2S...

I'm going to ask you a serious question and I want an honest answer. This is in NO way, meant to cause anymore hurtfulness.

L2S, tell me, if your daughter was in this very situation, with the exact same circumstances, and she asked you what she should do, what would be your answer?

Again, this is not intended to be hurtful, I am just curious.

You're questions don't hurt me. That's the same one I've asked myself a thousand times as have others.

My answer:


LEAVE

I'm just having a hard time letting go.

I know it's easier said than done, L2S, believe me, I DO know this.

It sounds like your mind knows what to do, but your heart has to catch up.

L2S, you are just as valuable of a person as your daughter or anyone else is, and you deserve the happiness and peace in your life as ANY person does.

Letting go is very difficult, and yes, it hurts. But it's no more hurtful than what you're already going thru. Just different. I guess sometimes, we have to choose our pain, and decide which one is worth the time to go thru, and what the long term effects would be on our future.

I'm still praying...

Jennifer

Back to the top...

I'm back. I'm confused.

I have all but begged my H to allow me to come back home. He was adamant that he did not want that and if I kept pushing his answer would be D.

I went to church Sunday. Found out by snooping and asking question and then him admitting that he went to OWs house Sunday, went to SDs, and went to OW's parent's house. Supposedly someone did some stuff at OWs house that appeared to be malicious like moving flower pots, locking garage door from outside, etc. OW told her mother who asked my H if he did it. (Now, I'm getting all this from my H so who knows that truth or if there is any in any of this). She asked my H if he thought I would do that. Said he said no.

OW has said she would not take his calls. He tried multiple times to call her but she wouldn't answer so he went to her house. She wasn't there. She eventually returned his call and they talked by phone. Then, he went to her parents' house and helped her stepdad do some stuff.

After I found that out on Sunday, it kind of hit me and I suddenly felt less desperate about calling him, text messaging him, being w/him, etc. I've really been praying and church on Sunday was wonderful.

I don't know why I suddenly felt less desperate. Well, suddenly now my H is calling me little pet names again, leaving me VMs, and today, he asked me if I still wanted to see a counselor. I said yes. He asked a few minutes ago if I wanted to come back home.

Now, I'm thinking "wait a minute". Now I'm not so sure that going back w/o some discussion of our problems is a good idea. But, now he thinks I've just been playing games and now I'm backpeddling b/c I said maybe counseling first to see if we can work through what are some major issues.

I made him mad and he immediately starting getting loud and cursing.

So, is God giving me peace and making me think "wait a minute", or was I pushing so hard to get him to let me come back b/c I was afraid there was someone else interested or what??? I'm really confusing myself w/all this. When I read all that everyone posts here and I read Surviving an Affair (finished today)and I think of the power of God I believe that anything is possible.

I guess I don't understand what has happened to make him suddenly say "come home". He doesn't understand what has given me a change of heart (and I don't either).

More than anything I want to do what is best for me and my D. I hear all the statistics about girls w/o fathers and what that does to them emotionally and I think what a horrible thing I've done to her. Should I try to make it work and help to repair the relationship between her and my H or finish it off and put our life together and go on?

I really do believe at a minimum a couple of counseling sessions would be the right way to go. I told him earlier that I didn't deserve the cursing and that I won't listen to that anymore. He finally calmed down.

Wow, L2S. Sounds like God might be trying to reach you, by you suddenly feeling, "Not so desperate". This is a good sign.

Don't go back to his home, just because he suddenly gave you a green light. You know that light will again, turn yellow, then RED. He "feels" for the moment, not for the long haul. He's not finished with his present tense, yet.

Even if you were to go back, he still has his strings attached elsewhere. And you would have to accept the situation, as it is, now. You'll be going in with your eyes wide open.

Whichever way it turns out, counseling would be a good idea. It would be good for your D, too. She's probably just as confused as you are.

The fact that he got mad at you, for expressing your opinion on what might be best, and the "back-pedaling" thing, he is in NO position to be pointing a finger at you, where THAT is concerned, the way he has been going so back and forth with his actions!

Keep going to church, and keep praying about this. God has a plan for you L2S, (and I don't think it involves abuse) you just have to keep your heart and mind open to whatever that plan may be. Which seems like this is beginning to happen. It sounds like the light in you, might be starting to come on! AMEN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

PS...If he can't understand why your "sudden" change of heart, tell him to ask is OW, since she's a "counselor". I'm sure she could spell it out, in her own, special way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Yeah, right!!!!
You've got to tell me how to do the smiley faces. I still can't figure that out.

Anyway, we've been talking this evening. He seems to think that too much has happened for us to put things back together regardless how we feel that we want to. He doesn't trust me, I don't trust him. He doesn't believe me when I say there was no contact outside church w/OM and there were never any phone calls, emails, VM, etc. No contact period.

I on the other hand know that he has talked w/OW for hours at all times of day, night. Been to her house. Has been to her parents' home multiple times. Told me lies or half truths about that whole situation. I know also that he is still talking to 2nd EXW and I read letters from her saying that she hoped we divorced so she could have a second chance.

I believe the best thing would be for us to stay apart but go to counseling and see if it is possible to work through some of our biggest issues like his nastiness and my problem w/lying. That's a big issue and one that I need to work on regardless of marriage outcome. I hate that part of myself. Also have issues related to kids. He needs to start working on retirement and let his kids manage their own lives. Wouldn't let them starve or be homeless but the other stuff should be on them.

Oh well. He should be calling back soon. I think it really hurts most just to think that he wouldn't be in my life anymore and vice versa. Maybe that's just the comfort part and not really thinking through just what I have when he's in my life. I truly do love him but the magic of the relationship is long gone. You know, the part of the relationship that makes you feel loved, protected, special. I want him to be my soft place to land and the place I can run to when no one else can help. But, that's gone (or at least for now.)

Well, L2S, you just do what you know is the right thing. And hold on to that "not so desperate" feeling. Because you do not have to be desperate, to be treated decently! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

PS...When you type your post in the first window, then right below there, it says, "I want to preview my post". Put the checkmark in that box, then click "Continue". It'll show your post at the top of the page. Just scroll to the bottom of the page, and there's a window for editing your post. Right below that window, are the smiley faces. Click on whatever one you want, right where you want it in the post. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> Seee? Easy as that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

I don't want to be desperate. I don't want to make yet another mistake. I don't want to hurt him, me or my D. I want my life back w or w/o him. I really want my own place again and to be able to be "me" again.

I truly do love him. I don't respect him and I don't trust him but I love/care deeply for him. I really would like things to work out but I really want to move toward a resolution one way or the other.

Above all, I very much want whatever we do to be in God's will. I know that we both have to change in order for that to happen. We both have to forgive and to let go of past mistakes.

I told him earlier that counseling has got to be the first step. We cannot discuss/resolve anything. If we could, we wouldn't be where we are now. We cannot talk about anything of any importance without arguing. Actually, he pushes and bullies and curses. I pout and mope around. It's not a great way to live.