Well, L2S, I hope your anwers come soon. It's truly difficult to be in your position. I do remember how that feels.

I still loved my X, when I left. I just didn't love what he was doing. I had to learn how to separate the two. How I felt about him, had nothing to do with his actions, or how we were living.

Eventually, the loss of respect, made it easier for me to leave. I had to learn how to respect myself, in order to move on, and live a pain-free life. I never would of had that opportunity, had I stayed.

As odd as it may sound, we are now friends, because we actually can be. He respects me now. And I respect the fact that he has made some huge changes in his life. That is good for himself and the sake of the kids. But we make way better friends than we did as a married couple.

My feelings for him has greatly faded. I now just care, like I would a friend, but that is it.

Anyway, we all handle our situations the way we see fit. And eventually, you will just know, what you need to do.

Take care...Jennifer

I think the letting go is the hardest. We talked about a lot of stuff last night. I think for both of us the thought of the other not being there, not being accessible is really hard. It's also really, really sad.

In so many ways my H is a really good person. I know, that doesn't negate the stuff he's done. The old saying you always hurt the ones that love you most is probably true. I've never been so hurt in all my life than by some of the stuff he says/does.

He asked last night about me coming back home and when I said maybe we need 1-2 counseling sessions first, I told you he went nuts. Now, he's still saying I'm backpedaling. Says that now that he's asking me to do what I say I've been wanting to do, I suddenly don't want to. Maybe there's some element of truth in that.

I believe that counseling is going to help us be able to talk. Right now we can't really talk about anything that means anything. Our problems are much too big not to be able to talk about/through them.

I'm going out of town for work this weekend and he may be going w/me. I know I will be wondering what he will be doing if he doesn't go. He's still doing a couple of things that if I had done them (or did them now) he would be accusing me of all sorts of stuff. He's in an awful mood right now w/our business. He's really frustrated w/everything and nothing is going right. He is taking a lot of it out on me and that really makes me mad and hurts. His darling son is acting like his normal jerky self and that's making him mad.

I really think God is trying to get his attention. Absolutely nothing is going right. We have more business coming our way than he can manage; that is going great. But, he doesn't have the support to get all done. He's running around like crazy taking care of stuff that the employees should be doing. Everything is building and I think he's about ready to blow. That makes it harder on me 'cause he gets very short and snappy. Starts acting like a jerk quickly.

Oh well. Just going to take one day at a time and see what happens.

I talked to a counselor today; said he's a Christian counselor who believes in marriage. I asked him about some of the books from the Harleys. Don't think he's read them. Said he is hardest on men. That probably won't sit well w/my husband. It didn't last time we went to a counselor who counsels biblically. I asked him if he ever recommended divorce. He said he didn't. I need to ask him more when I make the appt. I guess I want to know that he doesn't recommend that a couple stay together regardless of the circumstances.

I guess I want someone like what I believe I've read here about the Harleys who will say it's time to hang it up if there really doesn't seem to be a way to put the marriage back together.

Oh well, I'm rambling. Thanks.

You're right about the difficulty of letting go. And yes, it is very sad, I'd say pretty equivelent to mourning a death. And in a sense, it is a death. We mourn it, heal, and move on with life. Other sources of happiness, joy and peace come along.

Like I said before, I think counseling is a great idea, no matter which way this situation turns. You'll need it whether you stay or not.

Make sure you find one you're comfortable with. A christian one is a good idea, but there should be an understanding that there are biblical grounds, should you decide to leave and lines that should be drawn where abuse is concerned. The WHOLE picutre has to be drawn out, not just the emotional parts, or the parts that weigh the heaviest on your mind.

Anyway, just let God work, as He has, and you will know your answers.

Good luck, and I hope your trip goes well, this weekend! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jennifer

Oh, and I think you should check out "UnMoved"'s thread. It is very inspirational, and easy to relate to! It's worth a look! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

L2S, how ya'doing, today? Good, I hope... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm doing okay. I'm at work (Sat AM). He didn't come w/me. Had some work to do. May join me later today. I talked w/the counselor again. We have a tentative appt for next week. Need to confirm w/H.

I will look at the thread you mentioned. Will reply soon.

Ok, L2S. We'll look to hear from you, soon. Take Care...Jennifer

Still at work. Hit a lull. H has decided he's not going to come where I am this weekend. He's being pretty nice so far. We'll see how that turns out.

Told him about MC. He's fine w/it. Not sure how he'll react when we get there. Like I said before. He's still doing some out of character things that I find questionable. Things that if I did he would be screaming at me.

I just don't know. I did go back and read the posts by Unmoved. Yeah, does sound familiar.

Sometimes I think I would be better off just by myself. After my dad died (my mom was only mid40s) she never dated, much less remarried. She seemed very content w/her life. Maybe she got lonely; I'm sure she did. But, she never mentioned it. She was always so upbeat and full of life.

I would very much like to share my life w/someone. I want to travel and love and live life. I had always hoped it would be w/my H. Who knows what God has in store.

For me, I found that "lonliness" turned out to be my best friend. At the point I was, it was very welcomed.

It's hard to know what God has in store, but we just have to have faith, and know, that whatever it is, will be something we have never imagined! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there...

There seems to be a new threat, a new twist to my story every day. My SD announced to my H this morning that she is moving several states away w/a man she had been dating/living with (this happened almost immediately) for about 3 months. He is the SS of her aunt (mother's side). So, in typical fashion, my H is doing the "would of, could of, should ofs" right now.

He's very upset. She's upset and not sure what she should do. He's upset b/c he feels in his gut that she will go. He will miss her. She won't be in his life, etc, etc.

I have a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I will be blamed for this too. Somehow, someway I will hear" I guess you're glad now; she's gone". She's 21 and has done what she wanted to do/when she wanted to do it for 4 years now. But, I know that I know that I will get the blame for her decision or at least I'll hear the "bet your glad" sermon.

I feel sorry for him. NOthing is going right. It's not all my fault. A lot of it is his. His kids are making bad decisions and it always seems to turn around on me.

Oh, well. I will see/talk to him later this evening. Will post more later.

Well, L2S, it sounds like you're prepared for whatever reaction comes your way. The fact that you already know this, says alot. You are aware of how things are with your H, and what has not changed.

I'm sorry for this twist in your situation. And I hope you do not get that reaction that you are expecting. It would be nice if you could be leaned on for comfort and support, but it sounds like you're ready for the outcome, either way. Be STRONG!

I'll say a prayer about this, and wait for your update on this!

(((L2S)))

Jennifer

L2S...Are you around? You ok?

Ok, L2S, I'm beginnig to worry, here! Are you out there?

I'm still here. Life incredibly hectic.

Update..
We went to counseling (this was his suggestion) this past Tuesday. Christian MC. Talked to us together and separately. Said he would not pressure us to come back; our decision. If we do he will divide the session in half and talk to us individually and try to work on our many issues: trust, infidelity, kids, etc. Said that we've got a lot of problems to sort through but that God does work miracles but also that we have a free will and it will be us doing the work if we put it back together.

H told me today that he called the OW and told her that he would not be contacting her again. H said OW said that she was starting to develop feelings for him. But, H said that she had been dating others. Said that b/c she had dated others since they started talking he doesn't know if he could handle thinking that they may have touched, kissed, sex, etc.

Maybe you're thinking what I'm thinking. I thought she was just a good friend. So, I don't know what's going on there. I have seen the latest cell phone bill and he has continued to talk to her but was telling me he wasn't. He doesn't know I've seen it but I told him today that I wanted to see it. He said okay. Funny, it was in the mailbox today. He has also continued talking w/his 2nd EXW, the one that wanted us to divorce so she could have another shot at him.

I asked him if he thought he would just prefer to go for D and start over w/OW. That's when he said what I wrote above. He is really frustrated w/everything right now. Me, work, kids, just life in general. I know that the reason everything is bad is in part because he isn't where he needs to be w/God.

Also, he his son is really giving him a hard time. Wants more money, more money, etc. Keeps pushing him to pay him more (he works in our business), make loans to him, sign for stuff for him. It is never ending. And, when that's going on my H is a jerk. Told him today that the stuff going on now is the biggest reason why I don't want SS in the company. Told him that the difference between SS and other employees is that when they act out it makes him mad. When SS acts out, it hurts him b/c he loves him.

He said he's willing to go to counseling again. He still maintains though that he thinks too much might have gone on for us to get past; interpretation is too much for him to get past. I got past the first A, I would have to put behind me the resumption of R w/his 2nd EXW plus this whole other life he's started w/OW and her parents but H's got too much to get past. Really!!!

He is really down and says he just wants to walk away from everyone and everything. Just wants to "go". This is the same way he has done in the past right before he starts the suicide stuff.

So, no resolution for anything. Still hanging on and wondering why. I really, really want my life back. My life and daughter's has been in total turmoil for 2 years. We don't have a home. I'm constantly on the road to get her to school, go to sister's, pick her up from school, help w/work at our house, etc. I'm really drained too.

I really wish my H would just let his kids go. By that I mean quit allowing them to make their responsibilities his. That's the big thing right now. My SS now has 2 kids and one stay-at-home g/f to take care of. He has at least 3 payments plus 2 cellphones and living expenses. So, he just pushes my H and tries to make my H responsible. If my H would just back off, he would be a lot better off.

I've really been praying that God will show me the way. I know you all are probably thinking "how many times does he need to".

L2S...

I'm just happy to see you here, again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I was really becoming concerned if you were ok.

I'm not going to push my opinions on you, I just want you to know that God is with you, and WILL show you the way, if you allow Him to.

I'm sorry that you still in limbo, here. I really do pray for the peace and contentment that you have been missing for so long.

Thankyou for posting with your update! And please, keep us posted.

Jennifer

I'm still out there somewhere.

On my way home last night H called and asked if I had seen what I wanted to see on the cell phone bill. I told him that I saw that he had been talking to OW and 2nd EXW a lot more than what he said. He then said "Do we just need to get a D?" I said why? Just b/c I looked at the cell phone bill? He said no but b/c he didn't think he could make me happy. I asked him if he wanted to make me happy and he said yes.

I told him it was his decision. I can't force him to do anything. Again, everywhere he turns there's conflict and I believe that's God. He has no peace anywhere: work, kids, home, friends.

Anyway, the same stuff continues. I will see what the weekend holds. We've made no plans. I want to see what he plans to do. And, then there's Sunday. My family is really pushing me on church. I don't know what to do. I want to go to my church but don't want to add fuel to the fire. If I don't, I'll go to other church I've been to last couple of Sundays.

Please continue to pray for God's guidance for me. I am probably one of those people that needs God to write it on the wall before I get it.

Have a great day and weekend. Thanks for hanging in there w/me.

Hope you have a great weekend, too! I'll continue to pray about this. And let us know how it is going! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Take Care...Jennifer

My H has given me so much grief over going to my church. You know all the stuff he's done; cursing, threatening to come there and confront guy, lurking in the parking lot, etc.

Well, a few weeks ago he started saying it really didn't matter. Now, today, he said I should go back to church there. I've been going Sunday mornings to another church but can't work out same for Wed night service. Anyway, now he says that I need to prove to myself that I can go but have no contact with OM. I've gone for months on end w/not talking to or seeing OM except across a crowded room. I don't have anything to prove to myself.

So, I don't know how to intrepret this. I want to be in church w/my D. I have asked him about going to church. He says that he is going to be in church but he never goes. Now this.

So, do I say "okay" and just go to church? He made the comment that people would come back and tell him if I talked to OM. But, he can still talk to OW and 2nd EXW as evidenced by last cell phone bill. I don't want to get into the tit for tat kind of thing but he is dictating what I can and can't do while he does what he pleases.

I miss being in church consistently. My D is now giving me grief over missing but that's probably in part b/c my family is doing the same thing. I haven't told them why I'm not going. Don't know if they know why or not. I just am sick of talking about it all and just avoid it if I can.

Anyway, what do I do? Just start going back to my church and see what happens? I know that I do not want him to have any future contact with OW or 2nd EXW and that's what I would say if the situation came up.

Now, I don't know if he's just stringing me along for insurance and money or what.

Advice, please.

Hi, L2S.

I don't understand is comment about you "proving" anything to yourself, when he can't do the same. It's almost like he WANTS you to have contact with the OM, so he can justify his contact with OW and 2ndXW.

I think you should be able to continue the church of your choice, without those ridiculous stipulations hanging over your head.

And if your D is wanting to go, then by all means, encourage that and take her. Because she will reach the stage, where she will not ask anymore, and the meaning of attending won't mean as much to her, as it once did. I think right now, she is viewing church as a positive part of her life, and she needs that.

Again, this is just my take. And I always wish the best for you and your D.

My D is going with my family. I'm making sure of that. I'm just not going which isn't a good thing for many reasons.

Maybe you're right. Maybe he's encouraging me so he has an excuse. I've even asked him to go w/me. He won't. Like I said he keeps saying that he is going to get back in church but he doesn't. He has the opportunity every Sunday but always comes up w/something else that he needs/wants to do.

I truly believe that he is experiencing so many problems b/c he isn't where he needs to be w/God. That's the biggest part of our problem.

He told me his son is planning to leave the company AGAIN. Wants to start a business of his own and has spent about $10K dollars (all on credit) for equipment (lawncare). Has no customers but is continually piling on the debt. My H told me that my SS said he knew that I didn't want him in the company and that's one reason he's leaving. I told my H that at some point maybe he will grow up and stop using me as an excuse. My H said that he told my SS the same thing. Don't know if he did or not. Using me as an excuse has always gotten him mileage before. Always worked to his advantage. You know, if something works, why change.

Well, I'm not really sure about the church thing. I don't want to do anything to make matters worse but I miss being in church and in church w/my family. I just don't know what the game is.