I have been married for 9 years. We have 3 children, 6, 4 and 2. I have neglected my wife for 3 years because of my stupid hobby. I am a programmer, and I program after work until I go to bed. I thought everything was fine, except for the occasional requests from WS to hold her or spend time with her. I thought she was being needy and I was so selfish that I did not take the time to meet her needs.

It was 1/19/2006 when she informed me that she had sex with another man. The man is her customer and calls and text messages her every day still. I am going to try to implement Plan A, but she says that she still wants to be friends with him / have him as her customer. She cuts hair.

I truly want to meet all of her emotional needs, but she is telling me that she doesn't want me to be different, she thinks it is not genuinely me, if I change to meet her needs.

I want to change, but I can't stand the pain of letting her 'work it out' in her mind. I love my family so much, and I just want to be back to how things were, except I don't want to neglect her anymore.

I feel hopeless, and I just want to know if it's worth all this pain to try and work it all out. I do feel that it's worth it for my children. I don't want them to suffer.

I will try to post a timeline of events later.

N, welcome to MB. NC needs to be in place which means no "friendship" and she cannot keep him as a client. You changing in part of plan A. You identify the issues that are your part of the problems in the M such as you mentioned above and you go about changing those issues. Get the book Surviving An Affair and read it. You may also want to get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. That would be a good read for your WW.

Guess what?

You don't need anyone's permission to become a better more attentive husband. Just do it.

I know I don't need her permission. Hopefully tonight we can talk some more. I will let you guys know what progress, if any, I make.

Hi Neglector,
All the b/s have been in your shoes at one time or another.

First of all, take a big breath and relax.

It will take a time for all this to sink in and for reality to finally become clear.

Your case is not hopeless.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B which is on the MB website.

There you will find very useful information about what to expect and what to do to change things.

Don't beat yourself up too much. While b/s do contribute to the unhappiness that preceded the affair, you are by no means, responsible for your wife making that selfish decision to rut like a Pig, (as Melody says)and break your heart and marriage vows.

This was your w/s choice, not yours.

You will find that most ws follow the same adulter's script.

They think their love is unique and unusual, when in fact, it is very ordinary, and misleading.

You have a tool to recover your marriage if you choose. You have found MB website and the advice of countless former b/s and w/s that have gone on to either recover their marriage or found peace in moving on without their spouse.

Keep on posting,

K.D.'s Heartbreak

Last night was tough. WW says she does not love me and that she is in love with OM. She is cutting his hair today and has had lunch with him on Monday and Tuesday. I can't stand the fact that she is still betraying me. She said that she wants me to leave and that she wants custody of the kids. We live next door to her parents so she feels that it's the right thing to do, to let me go.

I tried to hold her and understand the pain she is going through. She was very cold to me. She won't say I love you, she won't hug me, she won't even let me try to talk with her.

I am hopeless at the moment. She says that she knows the this man can't meet all of the needs that I provide, yet she almost walked out the door to him last night. I backed off so she would stay and I had to sleep in my DS' room. I snuck back into bed around 5:30 AM and held her and told her how much I want this to work.

She says I am being obsessive and she needs space. I am afraid that if I back off, she will try to go back to him because I can't meet her EN.

I no longer will be the neglector.

I am not too knowledgeable about MB but I do know the following:
You do not leave the house. If this ends in divorce and you have left the house the chances are 90% that your WW will have primary custody and keep the house.
Expose the affair. Have you talked to her parents? Is the OM married? If so tell his wife.
Do this NOW. Don’t give any warning.

Don't be desperate.
Don't take the blame.
Don't let a wayward spouse kick you out of your own house (edit) - OR YOUR OWN BED.

If you still want her in your life, then think of her as someone you want to date. Most women don't go for men who glom onto them. They go for men who charm them and then walk away.

GC

Don't leave the the house. I did, then had to make a real stand to get back in two weeks later in a huge showstopper of an arguement.

My WW used almost exactly the same words as you have put in. Also used "The children will be happy if I'm happy". And other WW lines that I'm seeing all over MB. There is nothing unique or 'soul mate'ish about their love. But they won't hear that. Familiarise yourself with Fog speak and prepare to be blasted by some of the most hateful things you're ever likely to hear from someone who used to proclaim their love for you. I got used to thinking to myself "She's not my wife...She's not my wife' as a mantra when FWW was re-writing our history.

This is an horrific time and experience. The consistent message has to be expose without warning and bust the affair and Plan A, as long as you can. Take a look at yourself. Do what you need to do to improve yourself. Protect your children at all costs. Don't be a doormat.

If it's any consolation, my FWW and myself are now in a much happier place, six months on. It's still day by day but it's a day by day I now enjoy. Our old marriage is dead. Killed by my neglect and her subsequent EA. Our new marriage is much better. But it was a nightmare ride. And there is still a long way to go.

The folks here at MB helped me loads, listen to them.

I also found keeping a journal very useful. WW has never seen it but I look at it sometimes.

I wish you well. Take care of yourself and any kids.

OM is not married and 24
BS (me) is 27
WW is 27
DS is 6 (turning 7 in July)
DS is 4 (turning 5 in August)
DD is 1 (turning 2 in march)

I think I have the support of her Mother, she wants us to stay together for the kids, and she knows I love WW with all of my heart and soul.

After I posted, WW called me. She wrote a NC letter to OM, but won't let me read it. She says I don't need to see what she told him.

She did tell me "you know I love you" while I was on the phone. I explained to her that if she is feeling intense withdrawal symptoms from OM to call me so we can talk about it. She said she would not cut his hair and would make an effort to not contact him again. Deleted his number from her cell phone as well.

I feel hope, but I know that she may vacillate towards OM. I need to stay strong, and I told her that my love for her would get us both through this.

I have hope.

Good! One of the points of Plan A is to work on YOU, to get you to be the better / safer choice than the OP.

Buy a nice blank notebook. Start writing in it. Write in it each day, Your feelings, if you spoke to your W, what you spoke about. What you are doing to try and improve things. The responce of the W.

Entry #1.

Today if January 25th 2006.

Today is the day that I have decided to reinvent myself to be best possible man, husband, and father that I can be.

I will do this for myself, my wife, and my children. I will NOT fail.


If you keep this up you will start to see patterns of what seems to work and what doesn't. It can also be used to protect yourself if the W starts to make up stories about you.



FOG BABBLE! This is typical WW speak. They say this to justify the unjustifyable. Give this statement all the consideration it is due: NONE.

You have already discovered what the WW words are worth. Virturaly nothing! All WS's lie and some do this with such venom that you can barely recognize them. Watch her actions, not her words, to see if she really does anything to end the affair.



Don't leave. It will make it much more difficult to reconsile / Plan A her.

It would also give her the abilty to have the OM "over" and help enable the affair! Don't give in! If you do so she will attempt to legitimize this to her folks.

It would also be a disasterous move for you legally. If she pulls the big "D" on you she will use your "abandonment" of the family home as a reason to grant her primary custody.



FOG BABBLE! This is a very typical WW action. They do this to justify the unjustifyable (to themselves). WW knows what she is doing isn't right.



This is complete, unadulterated FOG BABBLE! All WS's say this. This is very typical of all WS's. It's straight from the WS's handbook.



Don't give up hope. This is far from over. You have come to a place where a lot of help / advise is available!

The first point of order is to KILL the affair. Go after the affair with everything you've got. As long as the affair is active it will not matter what you do to win her back! It will not work until the affair is over!

Affairs thrive in secrecy. EXPOSE the affair to EVERYONE you can. EXPOSURE is your best weapon for breaking up an affair. When you expose, expose to everyone at once. This will give you the maximum effect of the exposure. DO NOT expose to this group, then that group. This will give the WW time to spin / minimize the effect of the exposure. DO NOT give any indication that you are about to expose. The WW / OM will use this time to "spin" you as an obcessive / abusive / lying H.

Your WW will not be mad if you do this. She will be FURIOUS! Be prepared for that! She will likely spew venom at you that didn't even suspect she possessed. It doesn't matter. Your marriage can survive you WW anger. It CAN NOT survive an ongoing affair!

Keep Posting and let us know how things are going. We can help you through this.

Stay Strong!

Too late, I already told her I would expose it if she doesn't end it herself. Should I give her time to kill it on her own? She is honest with me and I trust her to tell me if she has contact with him. So far, she has told me everything.

former-neglector, your story and feelings are a mirror of mine.

However, I think you need to see the NC letter and follow the advice mentioned about exposure. My W's first promise of NC (w/o letter) proved to be a lie. NC letter went out on 1/23 and I read it before it was sent.

Hang in there brother.

The fact that she won't let you see this letter is problem. I doubt she is really breaking it off, but I may be wrong. She is probably instead just hiding her actions more effectively.

Don't threaten exposure again, you just do it. When you threaten it, you become manipulative and they feel blackmailed.

I too am a software engineer. This means you should have no trouble setting up some of the monitoring techniques to see if she's contacting him. If she uses a computer, install a keylogger on it. If she uses email accounts, see if you can get into them (the keylogger with give you the passwords). Also, if she uses a cell phone, most providers have a website where you can view call history. Find out his number and see how often she is calling him.

I hate to sound negative, but the odds are that she is not ending the affair, but instead taking it further underground. Setup these monitoring points and see what happens. If you find that they are still in contact, expose. Dont threaten exposure, just do it. Tell her parents, your parents, maybe even her boss.

Affairs are fantasies that thrive on secrecy. When you expose the affair, the fantasy comes to an abrupt halt. She'll be flaming pissed at you, but that too will pass.

Good luck.

This is not negotiable. In your place I would say "Show me the letter or pack your bags." You're a grownup, and you can say what you do and do not need.

See, she wants to say nice things to him. Maybe she wrote things like, "I'll live the rest of my days wishing I'd known you first." She still wants to have a romantic life that does not involve just you. She's erected a wall that keeps you out, and for your M to survive, that wall needs to be knocked down.

GC

I just had an epiphany about how you may try to handle this:

My idea:

If she won't show you the letter then you tell her you are going to go write your own No Contact letter to OM yourself.

You will not let her read your letter and he certainly will not be sharing it with her if he knows what's good for him.

Then walk away and begin to write a letter or commit to working on it later. Write what you want to say...fold it up put it in an envelope with a stamp and give WW one last chance to show you that letter. Then indicate you are driving to a post office box and depositing it...she has about 10 minutes to change her mind and call you on your cell. etc.

You can alter this of course as email may be more effective. WW knows she can preempt any snail mail you send by calling OM after you mail it and warning him...but email...not so easy.

Also, if you have not exposed you could consider filling out 10 envelopes with the names of OM, OM's family, WW's family, the church and some mutual friends.

She will likley either show you that letter or agree to send a proper one together. Her choice...you don't care how it gets done just that it gets done.

You must be careful not to do this in anger, spite or vindictiveness. It's merely a matter of fairness...she gets a secret No Contact letter than so do you.

Mr. Wondering

Well the greatest effect will have been neutralized, but it still remains a potent weapon.

Since WW already knows that you could expose give her the benefit of the doubt and let her try.

More importantly, be preparred to follow through. If you find evidence of continued contact you will have to expose. If you do not, WW will realize that she can do what she wants without consequence. Once she knows this she will have no reason to break off the affair as there will be no consequences. You do NOT want that to happen.

To quote Mulan: Remember that your pain means nothing to a WS.

It is an important quote that you will need to remember.



[color:"red"] RED FLAG WARNING!!! [/color] I vehemitly disagree. In order for YOU to get over this she will need to be very open in what she does. She will need to answer some very painful questions from you about the A. This "hiding" of the letter will do NOTHING to rebuild the trust that she has abused. I personnly doubt that she has written it or if she has: has any intenion of sending it. For it to be a "real" no contact letter she should give it to you for approval and mailing. I suspect that this is just "lip service" to get you to back down for awhile.



All of these are good signs. But remember to watch her actions to make sure that they follow up the words.



I'm glad that you're feeling more hopefull. We call the vacillating "fence sitting". Be prepared for a lot of that.

You will find that you have good day were everything is progressing well. You will have days when nothing is going well and you feel like giving up. We call this the "roller coaster". Sit down, Strap in, and Hang On!

We'll help you get through this.

Stay Strong!

My WW's first two NC attempts failed. But eventually things seem to have taken a turn for the better. It can happen for you too, but it may take quite awhile. Hang in there, remember she's worth it, don't give up.

A page above you said 'back to the way things were, ...'. IMHO that's wrong. I think you should close the chapter on the old M, and work to build a new much better M with your wife. Make that clear to your WW. The old one wasn't a M. It didn't work for each of you, so it wasn't a M. But you can convince her that you ARE capable of building a terrific new marriage.

Words won't do it, you can only do that with action. Take concrete steps to show her what you want the new better M to be like.

I took your advice, and my WW has been much more receptive today when I called and text messaged her. She actually apologized for the things she told me last night and she expressed that she knew that she hurt me.

I'm taking it one day at a time and avoiding all LB's even though she has been LB'ing. With the books and this site, I really believe we can work this out.

Still hopeful!