i have read your posts and its like dejavu, my wife cheated and left with someone from my kids sports organization, not work. this happened in 9/03 and she refused to break it off so i finally moved out 2/04. she made some overtures at returning in 2/05 but by this time, i felt too much hurt and pain had happened and i would not go back. in reading your story and from a betrayed spouse (man) perspective i thought i would offer what worked for me. i did not know about thsi web site when i was going through my darkest day, and the "therapist" (i use that politley) we went to was a hack but i was too destroyed to stand up for myself.

there are two things i needed to decide, one was to save my marriage and the other was to come out of this situation as "unhurt" financially as i could. i was married 15 yrs and have two kids. my wife at the time was not working and i am a cop so you can imagine i had some serious finacial issues she could have come after with my retirement and child support. she filed for divorce, i would not! also i "killed" her with kindness throughout the entire ordeal, even when it was hard and i had envy and jealousy isues (i still deal with these from time to time) but it lessns everyday.

i know in reading the posts here, everyone advises against dating. i started going out immediatley, bought new clothes, hit the gym hard, bought a chopper and made myself as attaractive as i could. once you get to the point when you no longer "NEED" that person everything changes. being "needy" is VERY unatractive. i am not saying FALL in love or sleep around, im saying just DATE. its amazing how it will build your self esteem. without sounding cliche, the world is full of beatiful women who will APPRECIATE, LOVE YOU and RESPECT you without fighting for someone who is not worth your time.

take care of yourself, take care of your children and time will heal your hurt and devistation over the betrayal and pain caused by the affair.

the sadest people i know and read about are the ones who continually beat themselves up and ask WHY...sometimes there is no answer that makes sense.

as for myself, im almost (3) years into recovery, i have a woman in my life that adores me, my relationship with my kids is the best its ever been, (that includes dealing with a teenage daughter! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />) i look at my ex-wife, who married her affair partner and realize....i got the best deal!

as for your atty, DO EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER TO KEEP THIS OUT OF COURT!!! you do not want a judge dictating child support of custody. if she is agreeable to paralegal or whatever, DO IT, you will thank yourself in the future.

i re-discovered God, which i had forgotten about for years, it has been a great journey, i have found that LOVE and HATE are very close emotions, i do not hate my ex, i am at the point that i really just DONT CARE. the greatest revenge is living well and being happy!

i would recommend getting some books on self esteem. getting into the gym (MAKE TIME), planninmg a trip with your kids, maybe during spring break and learn to enjoy life!

i do not wish a divorce on anyone, i even now wonder "what if", but she is the one that will ive with regret, as it is, she is miserable ( i hear things from my kids) she put on alot of weight, looks haggard and is VERY selfish!!

her new husband is not the "better" man, quite the contrary once you put people like that into perspective!

i wish you alot of luck and not sure if you will find this helpful except to say...LIFE DOES GO ON!!

oh yeah...the part about being "jealous" when you ent out with a female, my ex did the same, however she never BROKE off the affair, even when she made overtures..."im sorry, i made such a mistake" etc...i got to where i would except nothing less than 100% commitment from her...i never got it!!

i like the analagy i heard...your wife put you in the garage like an old classic car, she dosent want to drive anymore...forgotten about until someone starts showing alittle atttention or gets in and takes you for a test drive...all of a sudden your getting her attention again!

she may not want you but she dosent want anyone else to have you either...just keep working on your self esteem!

MrLocked-

Only have a sec to post........BROKEN RECORD....gotta start doing the BROKEN RECORD "You know, none of this would be happening if you'd just send the NC letter to OM" (Or something like that)

You think she's ape-poop now.......wait until you go to plan B.....she'll lose her fricken mind.

Put the divorce on the back burner if you can. This woman does not want to divorce you.......

Actually now that she's being so jealous may be the perfect time to go into Plan B. It's not going to be a very long plan B, I can tell you that much.......she's going to flip out about it, and OM isn't going to take it for very long.

Yeah....she's flipping out on you, and spending a lot of time with you....but she's still keeping him on a string, probably telling him things like...."Oh I had to go and talk to BH...he's depressed" or "Yeah BH MADE me spend some time with the family...he's holding custody of the kids over my head".

You haven't been served have you??? I'm telling you She DOES NOT want to divorce you.

God Bless,

-Caren

Believer, no im not getting involved with another woman. I go out with a mixed group. Guys and gals....

Thanks KBSC! Yes after consulting with my attorney I would like to avoid all the court crap. It could devistate my business among other things.

Caren, no I have not been served. Its been two weeks now. I know it was filed but I have not been served. Strange. (watch today I will be).

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Todays latest happenings..

She wants to work on the marriage and make things right... but ONLY if i sever all ties to her family and people she knows (mainly her sister and her sisters kids which i watch from time to time, and from anyone she is associated with). Once I do that and do that in FRONT of her, then she is ready to work on things....

I find this somewhat amusing. She is the one having the affair, yet she still feels im the one that has to prove myself to her and she gets to bark out all these commands. Crazy...

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hey bro...i will only make an observation based on my own experience...it seems to me from what you wrote that her rollercoaster life is outa control...just from reading your messages brings back old emotions....it seems the power has swung in your direction when you started getting on with your life...NOW SHE WANTS IT BACK!! be careful....so much is happening that you may feel like giving her everything she wants in order to "get your life back"...YOU WILL NEVER GET YOUR LIFE BACK...(the way it was) i read a book that was most helpful..."wild at heart" by John Eldridge...you can get it at barnes and noble..etc...very helpful in recapturing your "heart and self esteem"...

you said that its amusing about her wanting control or rule...she is scared right now because like i said...she may not want you but she dosent want anyone else to have you either...

everyone's affair is different but human nature is very predictable...at this point....

TAKE CARE AND PROTECT YOURSELF PHYSICALLY...TAKE CARE AND PROTECT YOUR KIDS...TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF FINANCIALLY...lastly...worry about her...

let her actions speak louder than words...you know her better tahn anyone...if she is truely repentant and sorry...you will know it...GO WITH LOGIC AND REALITY...NOT WITH FEELINGS...you will be able to figure out what is most logical for you because feeling change but reality is the big boss...

dont settle for anything less than 100% commitment...considering what WE have been through...nothing will ever hurt this much again...you will be amazed that once you stop being "needy" how good life really is....

before you jump back into this relationship...sleep on it...literally...take a lonnnngggggg nap, maybe a trip or something and make your moves like a business decison...not with emotions!

good luck my friend!

you wrote this...

"The last few years I have been in severe depression, to the point I just did not care about myself and it showed. I am diabetic with high blood pressure and I was not taking care of either issue. I used my work to hide from her and the world. I am self employed.

I never received any financial support from my wife (I paid for everything and was killing myself earning the money to do it), she would not clean, fix meals, show affection and rarely did we have sex. I got to the point it started making me bitter and angry. She knew how I felt, I told her and she would act as if I never said a word. I would get the ‘that’s not true’ and that’s all I could get out of her. I was the only one who ever tried to hug, cuddle, kiss. I just felt totally used and taken for granted. I was always there, I did not run around, drink, do drugs, abuse. I worked to support my family."

im sorry if i sound repetative but.....NEVER LET ANOTHER PERSON DICTATE YOUR SELF WORTH!!!

it already sounds like you came out the better person!!

i read this somewhere..."we humans have a habit of standing next to a barrell full of beatiful ripe apples, but we dont notice it because we would rather cry over the rotten one we picked up"

MrLU,

Nice to see you again. Funny how you can see the selfish demand now, when before, you might have considered it a trade off?

I'm sadly not amused. I would not tell her no, though...I would ask for a written agreement stating exactly this so I could sign off on it.

Then I would keep it for court. She isn't putting the best interest of her children first. You know this. I'm feeling devious.

See what happens when you don't keep me in line?

LA

LA...Yeah, i can see alot of things differently now. Thank you.

Yes KBSC, I feel i am and will come out of this the better person. I have learned alot from this experience and it has made me realize alot about myself and things I need to be working on. I feel much better about myself now. It sucks that it took this to get me to take notice and try to change...

Caren, yes she is "still keeping him on a string" and a bit more. Yesterday she was sleeping with me and telling me she 'loved' me (first time in months she said this) and tonight he is spending the night at her home. No suprise at all.

So yes, plan-b in the next day or so. Im feeling better about things but the lying is driving me nuts. Ya know..

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"It sucks that it took this to get me to take notice and try to change..."

Brings to mind the saying, "It takes what it takes."

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And why were you sleeping with her?

LA

LA.. Um.. I do not know.... it happened, a few times.. dumb I guess.

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No dumb. Own it. Too quick for STDs test, though, right?

You're worth a test. Or two.

Just caring about you. No judgment. Hey, I did what you did and didn't even know he was sleeping with the saint.

LA

Caren,

I was served today with divorce papers. This is going to ruin me financially. Im already living on bare minimums and the funding I thought I could get, not what i was hoping for. Wont cut it.

Im so ready to just run away from this all... I know... my old coping habits... really i feel so cornered now with the BS being thrown my way...


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I'm sorry Mr. Locked.

In some states there is a clause or something about SF after the papers are signed. Could you claim that?

No idea if Ohio has that clause.

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You know. I wonder. This may be nasty.. But should I let OM know of how she has been chasing me, SF, etc...? I mean how dumb can you be, she cheated on me to be with him, to think she wont do it to hime too, which she did. May stir something up. Just occured to me. Kinda in a pissy mood so why im thinking this kind of stuff.

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hey bro...SCREAM...YELL...VENT...ETC...to yourself....or this website...when you are around her....get the mindset that it is GAME ON!!! game face!!! be nice, i know how hard it will be...been there...but right now you have to protect yourself...cancel every joint account, open new savings/checking acct at different banks...contact your local legal aid society for assistance if you cant afford an atty...

TAKE a trip with your kids....remember...HANDLE this like a bussiness transaction...just becuz you got served dosnt mean anything...read up on your local court rules on dragging this out...get continuances until you getyour finances in order...(you can do all this on your own "pro-per" ) DO NOT GIVE HER A DIME!!! you are not obligated by law until your divorce decree is signed!!!

you need to switch gears and go into the mindset of protecting yourself...if you cant sleep, go to your dr and get some sleeping meds until you get over the initial shock...they will help you think straight...stay with this forum..you have alot of support here...

all of the people here have walked in your shoes in one way or the other!!

heres a kicker....next time you talk to her on the phone...keep it "small talk...happy talk" NOTHING deep or emotional...i used this line on my ex...(try it if you want)

"i agree, we are too different and i realize we cant be married anymore, i think divorce is a great idea, lets just make sure our kids get through this ok, i will help you move all your stuff out this weekend"

i used a variation of this...never fought her...always agree with anything she says...(even when it kills you!!) a person will find it hard to be angry at or fight with someone not fighting back...you will be amazed at how the power will shift again...ITS HARD TO HURT SOMEONE WHO IS BEING NICE!!! its like judo...go with your opponents power..when you resist or disagree..there is a clash of will...when you agree..be nice...you use her power against her...SHE wants to ruin you...she wants to have you get pissed off and mad so she can use this against you...show you are unfit...etc....

you cant do this for a day or two...it HAS to be long term...acting like this..blew my ex away!!! totally out of charactor etc...if you can...communicate only by email...keep it nice and polite...(FREAKS EM OUT!! ;-)

in the end i got what i wanted out of divorce..EVERYTHING!!! it just took putting my pride aside and being nice to her!! i would scream..yell...get drunk..lose sleep...everything..but NOT around her...she gave me what i wanted more out of guilt i believe than trying to screw me if i was acting like a jealous A**...

just remember...being NEEDY or CLINGY is not the way a man is supposed to act...KEEP working on your self esteem...keep going out with friends...get on with your life...FORGET about money right now...just take steps to protect yourself and your KIDS!!

let your hurt and pain turn to anger...but be smart about it...just like a business deal gone bad....

lastly...being in financial straps is actually a very good thing when going through a divorce....almost a blessing in disgiuse...when the fog clears...you will see you are not as bad off as you think...

(side note) i see you live in ohio...i grew up in batavia...outside cinnci!!! i now live in california tho!!

** go BUCKEYES!!

take care!!

oh yeah...regarding your last msg...FORGETABOUT!! do you really CARE at this point!!

its better for you if she runs off with him...let them gat married ASAP....then sit back and watch the fireworks!!!

JUST BE NICE AND AGREEABLE!!!

MrLocked-

I too had the inclination to tell the OW that my WH was still having sex with me.......he won't believe it, he'll think you're just jealous and trying to drive a wedge between them.

He// I was going to dial her number on the cell phone DURING sex with him.....so she could just hear it...LMAO (I didn't do it)

I understand the desire to do this, but don't.

I know she filed on you......but I'm telling you, she doesn't want a divorce. You need to make your last ditch, big Plan A exit and then go to Plan B.

She'll be rethinking this divorce thing in the VERY near future....trust me.

(My husband had a lawyer on retainer for a LONG time....but never actually filed on me......and he has since taken his lawyer OFF retainer).

God Bless,

-Caren

kbsc-

You are acting like his divorce is a forgone conclusion....it's NOT.

If you don't want to get divorced, you don't talk like you want to get divorced.

He has made it clear to her that he wishes to work on the family, not get divorced.

YES, he has to protect himself, but he also has to make one BIG last Plan A effort, then go to plan B.

The only reason that she filed is OM is facilitating it financially. She is all over the board with what she wants, if she thinks he's going out with another woman, she goes ballistic....these are not the actions of a woman who wants a divorce....she's simply eyeball deep in the fog.

I just wanted to let you AND MrLocked know, that MANY a WS has filed on their BS, and they have still recovered.

God Bless,

-Caren