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Yesterday I told my WW that I just didn't see any point of continuing the sham of R while she still refused NC. She said that my taking away all her cash so she could not by phone cards was helping her. I told her that was not the point. She was weak. It was not my responsibility to prevent contact - it was her responsibility to stop contact and I should not have to be doing those things. She says she has not called in a week. Big deal. We spent hours repeating the same dialog of the past few months. I was not angry - I simply said it was time to make a decision and get on with our lives. She has been withdrawn all week and I told her I am just tired of being the only one making any effort. I give up.

This went on for several hours. Eventually I told her that, if she really meant it, we would go together to buy a phone card, call the OM and give him a short NC talk. She refused. Didn't see the benefit. Eventually she gave in, we did go and call and she told him she was sorry but that she wanted to work on the marriage for the kids. I am not sure what all he said but I had told her before not to speak of love or missing him, etc.

Now this is not to say that she won't call him back today and tell him that she made that call under duress but I don't think she will. She may be starting to see that she can't burn her candle at both ends. I think I am starting to make it clear to her that party time is over and she will have to face the consequences.

In part of our talk, I reminded her what lessons her lifestyle would be teaching our young daughters. I also told her that in a few years I would make sure they both knew everything Mom had done.

Later she wanted to get intimate in bed but I refused. I think maybe no physical contact for an undetermined period may be good for me and it might be good for her too.

As an update, she does have a private session with the MC for next week and an appt. with the psychiatrist in two weeks and she seems eager to go to the latter.

Okay - not exactly Plan A but the phone calls gotta go. If she cannot stop contact, I am ready to see her go. I think she may be starting to finally grasp that.

So go ahead and beat me up guys but I wanted to update you.

Last edited by traicionado; 02/21/06 05:34 PM.
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He did not like me calling his family and friends and asked if it would continue.
If you continue, it's harassment.
Exposure is simply letting everyone know about the affair.
What they choose to do with this info (if anything) is up to them.

You do not & should not continue calling all these people.


Prayers & God Bless!
Chris
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I think everything you did was fine. EXCEPT refusing her in bed. Why did she want to be intimate? As an FWW myself that would have been my way of saying, I want to rebuild some of our closeness.

My H said (on d-day) if I ever made contact (on purpose) again in any way, shape or form I would be out the door. And he meant it.

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Oh yes, and what Chris said.

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I’m not going to beat you. But...
Could your reaction be the anger that was missing?
I actually think the NC phone call was necessary.

And let the OM be. You have so far shown great rational thought. If you think about OM then right now you want to distance him fro your family. You might actually be enticing him to “fight” you.

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Quote
I think everything you did was fine. EXCEPT refusing her in bed. Why did she want to be intimate? As an FWW myself that would have been my way of saying, I want to rebuild some of our closeness.

Yep, I'm with Jen here. What were yoy thinking.

Provided there is no STD issue, go for it. Take the crumbs for the moment. Rebuild some intimacy. What do you hope to achieve by pushing her away?


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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No hate, but I don't understand what you could possibly have to gain by refusing your W intimacy. Sex is NOT just sex to a woman, particularly with her H, and this kind of rejection could be devastating. I understand your tough stance, but you sound as though you want to punish her. "Good for me and good for her" sounds like justification to me, not common sense.


"No power in the 'verse can stop me."
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On the intimacy issue, two things:

1) When I told her earlier in the day that I felt like she was doing nothing to help R, she said that it was all about sex for me. That has never been true. I told her the only requirement I had ever had was no phone calls. Anyway, the sex topic had come up earlier so I was sensitive to it.

2) I was totally exhausted yesterday and was sound asleep when she came on to me and I just could not wake up. I don't know why I was so tired. I couldn't move. Maybe stress.

On the OM, I will not be harrassing him or his family. Not my intention.

Last edited by traicionado; 02/22/06 03:46 AM.
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It does sound like it was time for a new approach. What you did is sensible to me. I also agree that you should not have refused to be intimate with her. Remember you need to meet all her needs you can. Just because you insisted on NC does not preclude staying on track with Plan A. Your wife is conflicted in many ways. I have to believe that she will eventually compare what she did to the values she was raised with and to her love for her daughters and work on the M. You need to be her Rock of Gibraltar for the next several months. My guess is repressed anger bubbled up today. Back away from the roller coaster.

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trac-

I don't think you did the wrong thing, except for the SF, and if it was bad timing, then okay, just don't refuse her again. I agree that sex is not just sex for a woman.

As for the OM and his family. I'm glad he is scared it will continue (not to say you should continue...but there's nothing wrong with him being unsure of that fact).

Good Luck and God Bless,

-Caren


Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.

BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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OK, I've thought some more about the SF thing. Did you thank her for making the NC call?

Do you know what would have really knocked her socks off. If, when she came on to you, you said "I'm exhausted right now but wait till the morning." Then you'd have held her and thanked her for making the NC call and told her how hard you knew it was for her to do and that you appreciated she did it.

And that's straight from a FWWs mouth.

Could you do that? My H did and more, much more.

I also think you shouldn't harass the OM but heck, if he sweats a bit, so what.


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I think you did darn good, traicionado! BRAVO!

The only downside was refusing sex, as the others said. But hey, even guys can get "headaches!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Sorry for the delay. It is morning here so it is too late to say I am tired and wait til tomorrow. However, a few minutes ago I did make up for last night and her EN was soundly met and, afterward, I did thank her for making that call and told her it meant a lot to me (and that was before I read your post).

Repeat - I have never intended to harrass and have no intention of breaking any law. My plans are far more complex than that. Basically I believe that the OM was a predator and that, for his part anyway, it was not a simple A. There is evidence to support that but it is useless to talk to WW about it. He is a saint in her eyes.

Last edited by traicionado; 02/22/06 03:48 AM.
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Trac,

Good Job on the EN fulfillment and thanking her for the call (I'll admit, I would forget to do this when WH gave me info about the *A*) So WAY 2 GO!!!!!!!!!

God Bless,

-Caren


Always Look For Grace Given, Even in the midst of Grace Denied.

BS-Me 39
WH-37
Together 15 years
Married 12 years
7 kids total, His: SD20, SS18, Twin SS's 16.
Mine: DD22, DD15
Ours: DD12
Affair began Fall 04, Separated Fall 04,2 Failed Plan B attempts, False recovery of sorts Spring 05.......Still pluggin' away.
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I'm so happy you "meet her needs"! I'm a FWW, and the F part is relatively new (5 months). The SF thing with my husband was soooo important to me when we were trying to reconnect!! Still is... helps in MANY ways <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />!

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Thank you so much to the FWW's who have responded. Your insights are hugely helpful to me because I have a lot of doubt at times.

Thanks to the rest of you too. It is great to not be in this alone. And to those of you who are more familiar with my story, just keep kicking me in the rear.

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LOL, I was going to say "one" FWW but I see Newstart here as well.

My "F" is almost 2 and a half years old and I'm very proud of it.

Good for you. You did good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Oh good. Some of our wonderful women are helping.

I think you are doing just fine.

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It sounds like your WW is starting to see the light at the end of the fog. I don't think that you did anything wrong. I still am nowhere near done with the OW. But I need to wait to give her what she deserves. Isn't revenge a plate better served cold (or something like that)?

Althougt, if I hadn't known the OW, I probably wouldn't be worring about her any longer. But since she was my best friend, she deserves "something extra."

There is one thing that happened to me and to other people in this site. After your WW is out of the fog, realizes what a fool she was and is commited to restoring the marriage, you might have a period of time when you could be feeling like ending the marriage. Just so you are ready if that happens to you.


"Voici mon secret. Il est très simple : on ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux." Saint Exupery
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I was reading a post yesterday by someone where it sounded like they were in recovery and the BS totally lost it for some trigger and went down that road.

To be honest, it had never occurred to me. I generally have not been looking that far ahead. I have one very long range view (i.e. family lives happily ever after) and I have two or three very short term targets (two weeks to two months). When I read that post, it scared me a bit.

I have seen my thoughts and feelings changing and evolving. Sometimes that has worried me. I asked myself early on what would happen if she changed her mind and decided she wanted the A and I did not. I couldn't resolve it so left it alone and haven't thought much about it since. Later I got to forgiveness and left it alone entirely. I guess I'll just jump off that bridge too when I come to it and get right back here for more metacarpal rearrangement from all of you of my gluteal region.

BTW, yesterday was a really great day and our weekend is starting off great too. Thanks again to everyone.

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