LovingAnyway...

Thank you so much for being a confidant to me. I feel you are a gift from God as close to understanding what i am going through and you are atrue Angel...

I will need to write a Plan A letter? Without the exposure of the affair right?

Will you assist me? I am having a mind squeeze day and week...

LovingAnyway..
is it against the rules to offer my email for correspondence??

Oh, let yourself just be, AH...

if it sounds like you self-bashing...that's good to know. We attempt to write with clarity, and then emotions, desires and expectations jump up and obscure.

Re-reading is solid. So are you.

See, you hear me asking you to be strong when I am asking you to be weak. I can't control that!

Being weak isn't easy all the time...nothing is. Sometimes is needed...not all the time.

Redirection is giving you self-control now, but it doesn't get to the far back stuff. Would you do yourself a huge favor (you're worth it) and find AskMe in the devotionals section...ask him for his prayers and to please post to your thread.

Excellent...I'm reading you line by line and responding. Look at you! More fulfilling to post here than the payoff you used to get from your addiction. This is telling...do you hear yourself? You like the reality you've chosen.

The payoff in the addiction...not the surface one, but all the ones layer by layer down to the essential ones. They're surprising.

Our brains don't know the difference between fantasy and reality, right? Well...you can get affection, regard, attention, conversation, SF, FS...you name any of the ENs...through fantasy. Not healthy but serving, right?

People can feel like they are committed to family because they think about them all the time...but aren't present for more than an hour a day for the in person ones. Finding out their family feels abandoned comes as a shock.

Our brains don't know the difference.

If you're busy meeting your ENs in fantasy...where does that leave your spouse? Think about it. Much like an A...needs being accidentally met elsewhere. When you woke up, you began wanting those needs met by wife in present time. Up jumps a lot of feelings of rejection, fear, abandonment, anger...yucky stuff. Can you see how the longer you last in Plan A, the more you realize about yourself, not to destroy flaws but to understand them? You weren't sinning against God...but your wife and yourself.

I might be bashed for that. I know you know what I intend.

Self amends and amends to wife. Draw comfort, forgiveness, acceptance, attention, affection...lots of that from God....though he has strength, too. I know. Sometimes, he has your weakness and holds it for you. Sometimes he has strength that he withholds. Accepting Jesus is a constant thing...Accepting God (the turning it all over to him without holding something you're in charge of behind your back) is the key. Talk about scary and requiring massive strength...

In your corner.

LA

You can offer...your choice. I'll let you know in advance that in my code, I do not allow myself email contact with men. Even with honorable intentions and great souls. I don't violate my code because of me. Not you.

Also...another poster wrote the first Plan A (not B) letter in the last two weeks. What a great concept. Has nothing to do with exposure but personal recovery. For no other purpose but to carefully craft for yourself and your wife what has crystalized in your mind over the last few months. I wouldn't recommend it to anyone when they began Plan A...too much self discovery necessary. What you wrote reminded me very much of what I would have written back then...uhm, in NOVEL form.

Heehee.

Hey wait..I DID. No kidding. It was only two weeks past dday and he'd moved out. I remember it. Oh, my. Yes, self-bashing comes to mind...mea culpas galore. However...I felt stronger after writing it and sending it. Didn't depend a whit on reply or reaction. Oh, there was hope...but such release. How do you feel after writing yours?

Could be these aren't meant to send but to save...for ourselves. God's way of shoring us up when we feel overwhelmed. You know what else I did? I sent seven emails...each stating things pertaining to different areas of our marriage...owning my part...what I chose without excuse but my perspective, and what I've learned about my choosing differently.

They were ignored.

Still.

Doesn't matter...I got it!

Anyway...our urge to write these letters are to be heard, understood...and also, our effort to get a reaction. Save our marriage. That's human. Funny how I let go that part after a year of waiting for a response...specific response.

Whoa.

Thanks for aiding that realization for me, AH.

LA

AH -


Well, it actually falls into two categories.

First, I put some boundaries in place with respect to her second trip, when (at the time I was worried that it would be more of an if) she returned. One of those was NC.

I did not put (or even think of) any consequences of what I would do if she didn't comply. She didn't, though she did make a continual effort. So our counselor started pushing me to put consequences in place, and I started working on some. Then, about a week later, MP asked me why I didn't have consequences in place (it had come up in her IC that day). I told her that she was right, I hadn't, but I was working on that now.

I did put consequences in place (told her what I would do), but it was another 2 weeks before I was willing to do it, and when I was, she beat me to the punch (so to speak) by complying with my boundaries (that was 2 nights ago).

To me it's been a bit counter-intuitive, but the reality is that by not having consequences in place, what was I telling her?

That I didn't respect myself enough to stand up for myself, for one. Now, how is anybody going to respect someone who so obviously, despite what they say, doesn't respect themselves?

It's not about punishing a person. It's not about forcing them to make a choice. It's not about giving them an ultimatum. It's all about recognizing that they are a person of free will, and they will do as they please, but you, as another person of free will, can choose what you will do in response to their choices.

It needs to be done in a loving and non-threatening way. No demands, no pleading, no bargaining (depending on the circumstances. There are certainly times when negotations are called for).

To give you a concrete example, in my case the issue was NC and being able to rebuild my trust in her by her being open and transparent. For that, I wanted access to her laptop and online accounts. I told her if she couldn't meet my boundaries, I would pull the plug on our internet connection and cancel/suspend her cell phone. The reason for that was I would not continue to fund her ability to carry on an affair, even it was only emotional at this point.

See what I'm driving at? I wasn't directly trying to stop the affair and end contact...that had to be her choice. I was simply telling her I would not, as our counselor put it, continue to enable her. She could certainly continue contact if she wanted - go to the library, get a prepaid cell phone, hop onto one of our neighbor's wireless networks (it's amazing how many people don't bother to enable WEP <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />), etc. I can't control that.

The second category (or more properly, probably an example). After the affair was initially revealed to me (at least part of it), she asked me if I wanted her to stop talking to OM. I muttered "I don't know."

(brief break while I wait for MB vets to groan and break out there 2x4s...)

Now, at that time, which I think was shortly after D-Day, I was still reeling from what was going on. I was also operating under the naive assumption that it our friendship (I was friends with the OM before she was) could be salvaged. After all, I didn't want to be a bad guy and tell my wife who she could and couldn't talk to.

Boy...was I wrong. That statement hurt my wife, because she interperted it as me not caring if she had an affair, and that I didn't love her enough to put my foot down.

It's important to point out that even if I had put my foot down, that doesn't mean she would have stopped talking to him. I don't know, and there's really no point in asking that question because it's in the past. The thing to realize (that I realize now...I just found out her interpertation 2 nights ago) is that by not taking that strong stand then, I sent the totally wrong message to her. I may not have been able to influence her to stop contact, but she would have known that I did care about her, and that I did not want her having an affair.

It is very hard (at least for me) to be strong like that. I am getting better at it, but it's a process, like so many things. Sometimes what we fear will drive our spouse away will actually draw them closer to us - they will see us as a strong man and husband, willing to make the tough choices. Not to get into gender stereo types here, but woman look for that security, knowing that their spouse, the man they chose to love, will be there for them. It speaks to them on a level deeper than mere words ever can.

As for your wife being a tyrant, that's entirely up to you. She can try to be a tyrant, she can try to manipulate you, etc - but she can only succeed if you let her. Again, I think you know that.

As LA has constantly pointed out, you're doing quite well and learning a lot. Keep it up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks LA. I no longer have anything to hide. In our first MC session, my wife spent about 30 minutes one-on-one with our counselor, and she brought up my voyeurism. She told me she had. In my first IC with him (the day she left for her 2nd trip), I brought it up as well, and he was really surprised at how open I was. I never have figured out why...we were there to save our marriage, so why in the world would I hold anything back? Seems dumb to me.

If my experiences can help even one person out there to stop the cycle, or better yet not even get into it, I will gladly share them. I haven't told everyone that we know all the details, and I may never, but if there's an opportunity to help someone in need I will do so in a heartbeat.

I'm not familiar with your story, except for what you've posted of it on this thread. Do you have a thread for your story? I'm wondering if I can pick up some useful insights from it.

AH -


I don't know if there's a solid rule against it (Private Messages are disabled on this forum due to the large number of affairs that start on the internet), but most people here are very sensitive to inter-gender relationships, for obvious reasons.

However, many posters will offer their e-mail addresses to help out other same-sex posters with issues.

I am reluctant to post my personal e-mail address. However, as I mentioned previously, if you want to talk to me off the boards, you can e-mail me at birdcouple@hotmail.com, and I can reply with my personal address. The hotmail account is a joint account for MP and I that I set up so people could reach us if they wanted to, without having to post our personal e-mail addresses.

Don't feel obligated to use it if you don't want to. It's simply there for the taking if you need it, no expiration date. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I agree with what LA said about the letter. I too have been working on a letter (since yesterday). In some ways, for MP and I right now, I think written communication is the best way for us to go, since we seem to keep mis-hearing each other.

For me, I want to share my feelings with her, since most of our discussions have focused on what I did (or didn't do), and my sincere regret and remorse for the pain I caused her. I'm still a little reluctant to share my feelings, becuase at this point I don't think they'll have any effect. Actually, MP herself told me last night that they probably wouldn't have any effect. I did tell her that hearing that hurt, a lot. And it did. But I also figured that was the case.

Of course, on the way to work today I was thinking about that some more. In some ways, I don't think it matters if it has an effect. Why do I say that? Because that shouldn't be the motivation for sharing my feelings. How she reacts to my feelings is her choice. Sharing them is my choice. I don't want to share them (or shouldn't want to share them) to make her feel bad or guilty - that falls under the category of manipulation, in my eyes.

However, one of the things she wants from me is emotional honesty, without having to dig for it. So from that perspective, she is offering me an avenue to express myself. I can share the hurt and pain her actions have caused me, without expecting a reaction. In fact, I might go as far as to argue that sharing them exepcting a reaction, or a certain reaction, would again fall under the category of trying to manipulate her. And that's hardly a way to show my wife that I respect her as a person.

The advantage in writing it down is you have time to think and reflect on it, rewrite as necessary, and have something on paper that can be referred back to. I have looked at the few notes MP has given me over the last 3 months multiple times, to see if I'm doing what I should be doing to meet the needs she has.

The one thing I want to caution you on, and I think LA did as well, is to make it respectful, no LBs, and no beating yourself up. If you want to vent, or rip yourself apart, do it in a journal. Simply state the facts. For example, if she doesn't want your touch, you could say "I feel like your punishing me for my past actions by rejecting my touch." That, however, would be a DJ. You don't know if she's doing that; it's simply how you interpret it. Now, saying "I am very hurt when you don't accept my touch." is a much better way to state it. (I am no expert at this, and I may have gotten it wrong, but I hope you get my drift).

FinallyLearning-T2M made a good observation for me a while back when it came to this stuff. When you share your feelings, if you can replace the word "feel" with "think", then it's a thought, not a feeling.

Example (from me)...I told MP that I felt she did not care about me. That's the same as saying that I think she does not care about me. However, if I said "I don't feel cared about.", that's different. Whether she does or doesn't care about me (within this context) is irrelevant. The point is to state your feelings, not pass judgement on your spouse or tell them what they're thinking. And yes, this is hard to differentiate (at least for me).

LA -


You lost me on that one. Can you clarify what you meant, by letting go of what part?

Meant to say this in my previous post. What I'm about to say will probably get me thumped good, but what the heck. I've been getting thumped a lot lately, and after a while you stop feeling them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think that the situation that LA was in, and the situation that AH and myself are currently in, falls somewhat outside the scope of the "normal" MB situations.

Yes, an affair is an affair, and they all have things in common. However, I do believe that in case like this (which is, essentially, swinging and/or open marriages) there's a whole different can of worms that needs to be addressed. In some ways, it's worse than porn, because it promotes infedility. Actually, it celebrates infedility and makes infedility a goal.

Affairs start because ENs are not being met. I accept that as a truism. Nothing justifies an affair. Another truism.

But honestly, what can one expect when one spends years asking your spouse to have sex with other people, either in front of you or to come back with a story to tell you? If the spouse doesn't leave you (as would be their right, IMHO), can you really expect them to keep feelings of intimacy for you? Can you really expect them to think that you love them no matter what? Can you really expect them to understand how you could be hurt if they actually have an affair? After all, isn't that what you've been begging them to do all along?

Sure...the affair is ok as long as you know about it and approve of the person they're with?

Huh?!? The logic there is seriously flawed. You can't open the barn door and then get upset because the prize horse bolted the barn when you wanted the cows to go out instead.

Blatant stupidity. Incredible arrogance. Thumbing your nose at God. And now you want to know why your life is in a shambles? If you can't figure it out now, you never will.

Err...AH...that was not directed at you. I kind of just went off on myself. Sorry about that. I'm going to leave it as I wrote it, because it's how I feel about me.

My point stands....MB principles are great, and they apply in this situation as well. But this situation is, I believe, somewhat unique and different from the "typical" affairs discussed here. Because once you start down the road of recovery, not only do you have to address the ENs that weren't being met, but you have all this damage caused by the sexual fantasy, regardless of whether or not it was ever actually played out.

The WS is damaged. And so is the BS.

Intimacy has been destroyed. The WS is left wondering why the BS is upset, and why the BS says they love the WS, and if the WS can ever feel love for the BS again.

The BS is left knowing that they have destroyed the most precious gift God gave them - their spouse. They have sacrificed their intimacy on the altar of sexual fantasy, and in the process they have wired their brain to need this stimulation to perform, and have reduced their spouse to little more than a sex object for their own personal pleasure, all the while claiming that they love their spouse and it's all okie-dokey as long as they come back.

After all, it's all innocent fun. No one will get hurt, right? B*LLS**T! Everyone gets hurt...the WS, the BS, family, friends, even the OM, and kids.

And for those of who are Christians....we did this knowing it was WRONG the whole time!

Ok...I'm going to stop now because way too much of my personal anger and pain is coming through. Sorry if I ruffled any feathers. Again, AH this is not directed personally against you.

BB -

"I'm still a little reluctant to share my feelings, becuase at this point I don't think they'll have any effect." I read your posts here and copied this right off. I see you're wrestling this around, really contemplating your choice of action. May I throw in my two cents?

When you act from your code, you cannot be manipulative. If you believe fully in Openness and Honesty, and it is something you value, then you must state your feelings and thoughts to honor your code. Sounds like you have really gotten very O&H with yourself...so to put balance in your life, you must do this also. Then it doesn't matter whether or not she is affected by your truth right now. It's yours. You won't hurt if you switch your belief...from her being responsible for your feelings to you having your feelings and speaking about them. Same with your thoughts.

Fighting for your wife...great point. O&H is the toughest part of showing her how much you value the marriage, yourself and her. Period. Regardless of her actions. We have to do this right now so that we can get to the Harley paradigm later.

She asked you to do this. Not for her, but the marriage. Maybe that will help.

As to my uninformed Plan A letter (pre-MB), all that I wrote to my WH at that time had only the one response. Why come back? Only more pain and suffering. Period. See, my expectation was for him to reply or say to me, what he thought of my realizations, new ownership and big ephiphanies. Didn't happen. Not the way I forsaw. Here we are a year and half later, in love honorably, for really the first time in our 19 years...so he did reply with his choices and actions. They mattered. I let go my expectation of a verbal or written response. After one year of holding that expectation and waiting, I let it go. Took me another three months to realize I had a physical answer...I choose my results.

And as for our circumstances that all three of us share...well, those were core matters in each of us, and we brought them into the marriage. I don't judge if it is common or not, definitely contributing, but SA is hidden and secretive. Just because we don't see it a lot on MB might not mean it isn't there. I can't tell.

I don't see it as any different than those who grew up not knowing what a good marriage looked like; that love is a verb; or fearing marriage as much I did do to both of those.

Same stuff under a lot of different manifestations, IMO.

Could be wrong.

"Blatant stupidity. Incredible arrogance. Thumbing your nose at God. And now you want to know why your life is in a shambles? If you can't figure it out now, you never will."

A little self-forgiveness is in order for you and AH. Actually, a lot. You acted from what you knew then, and know more now, so you can do much better. I wasn't stupid...I was ignorant. I wasn't arrogant, I was insecure. I didn't thumb my nose at God...he sanctified marriage and I followed my H. My life became unmanageable because it always was...lots of rejection, neediness, bad choices and a constant hum of pain as an underscore.

That's why I look at our M's mutual implosion as a gift. t wasn't until my H had his A, and I got it, finally, the full brunt of what I had been doing...well, what a blessing. I probably would have gotten it later...after the divorce, maybe remarrying and recreating it all over again...or not. My gratitude wells because I don't have to go into that future. I hope you won't, either. You and AH get it, too. You're equally blessed. I'm just farther out from it. That's how I know...

You can do this.

LA

Well guys.... Here I am a shattered soul at this point in my day...

I haven't had time to post since yesterday. It all camr=e to a head Friday morning when I asked her what we were going to do about the lawyer situations and she told me she felt using one was the best option.

I was dumbstruck!! I wasnt asking for her to say that.. I was wanting her to say she wasnt going to see one and I wasnt either.

Well then I asked, after a short Q&A of why we hadnt been able to discuss this until it got to this, What was she going to do with the 6K... She lost it and said I was following her and all this junk... I calmly told her there was NO following involved. She told me that money was to pay some other people at work...

I asked her again the same question and reminded her that she had given me a different answer earlier.. meaning the fact she said there was no other money... Well she said I was pushing and for me to just get my things and leave... "There! was that what you expected??" Well not really but I told her I wasnt leaving without my son.

This was real early and he was asleep.. At that time she ran to his rooma nd got him up and started to dress him to take him away from me.

Not a pretty site..

He went to the bathroom and she in turn called 911... Drastic measure considering I was very calm and had no intention of starting anything violent... While she was on the phone I unplugged it and she went balistic.. I still have the scratch marks.

I then went downstairs to get the other phone and she followed and again started to grab me...

This is the absolute truth people... There was no aggression from me at all.

She finally realized the phone on the wall was good and she called 911.

She immediately went into hysterics and said I was trying to take her son away.... They couldn't do anything for her cause we haven't filed divorce papers and I have as much right as she does.

They did come out and we had calmed down... I wouldn't let her leave with him until they got there then she took him to daycare... I agreed also to let her mother come get him and take him to Alabama for a week. This was a very hard thing for me to do.

I then went o a lawyer and started the process of getting custody... She too was at her lawyer across the street... Wild!

As I said we had calmed down and were civil now.

My lawyer has expressed her want to put her in her place... She says I am not being objective and that she was trying to set me up on the 911 call.... I agree!

Now it seems she wants to use this sexual addiction in the custody issues.

I want 50/50 joint custody and have him everyother week. She doesnt agree to the every other week thing unless I complete the SA courses.

I definitely don't want the SA mentioned in the divorce papers! I want equal everything with her when it comes to our Son...

I have been the caregiver for 8 months solid! She was prior to that true... But it is a very close bond we have together now!

I am also the more stable as far as income goes... She isn't looking to get ANY for a cuple of months...
I have even offered to get a place that we can roommate with each other until she can get on her feet.

If she doesnt get up quickly I know she is going to have to move home to Alabama...

I will fight for our son to stay here in Ga.

I need some loving guys!!

Help

Did you show the scratch marks to officers?

Guess you shouldn't have unplugged the phone...act of aggression. You may be holding your calm demeanor but that action was yours alone.

Do not get in the way of her consequences, please.

How many times did you say your thoughts and feelings?

"I feel terrified of losing my son and my marriage."

"I feel lost and confused."

"I think you are punishing me for trying to save our marriage."

"I want our son to have both of us."

"You want to use the same lawyer? For what? I do marriage, not divorce."

AH...big cahones time...your son is a higher priority than divorce papers including your IP/SA. Your son is worth your truth in print. Your son belongs with the committed, growing, caring father you are. Do not carry your prior manipulative perspective into new events.

You are truthful and bear your the consequences of your choices. You didn't leave (good job); you have no proof of an A...but you need to get some. Hire a PI, though finances are strangling...do it. Get it done.

Know that the court will not allow your wife to take your son out of state once you've filed.

Pray to God for knowledge of his will. His will, not yours.

Do not offer to help her find a place, afford a place, etc. Her choices and the consequences are hers. You do not want divorce...you do marriage.

Your son should not go to Alabama, darlin'. With your consent. Grandma or no. Nonononono.

LA

He is already in Alabama ... I can go get him cause papers haven't been filed yet. They will on Monday.

Do you mean I should let the language be in there? Give her control again over the situation?

I feel she will misuse the statements...

She wants it to say that it will revert to another agreement that I want when I am "cured"...

I think we both know how hard that is going to be to change... once it is in place.

I'm going to bring you back to reality stuff, and it is loving, not bashing. Might feel bashing. It is important.

When in crisis, we revert to older versions of ourselves. We just do. That's why I harped on practicing the Listen/Repeat, Act don't React...I statements, etc. Practicing them gives you more choices when in crisis, because that's when you feel you have no choices. Not true.

Here are the checks to realign your actions with your beliefs:

"I wouldn't let her leave with him until they got there then she took him to daycare..." Repeat after me, you had no control over her leaving with your son. That's reality. She has her choices and you have yours. She chose to not leave with him until they got there. Your power is to ask, and she complied. Know her choice in the matter and where your control ends.

You already got the act of agression in unplugging the phone.

"This was a very hard thing for me to do." What was your reasoning? How does it make sense or help you retain custody?

"If she doesnt get up quickly I know she is going to have to move home to Alabama..." Going to have to leaves no choice...she has more than that. She is paying for a divorce...her choice. She can stay and work on her marriage, get a second job...borrow from her folks to stay here or friends...she has many choices. They are hers.

Split up your finances totally. Now. Do not pay for her lawyer. She can wait and work and save for it.

Your reality feels drastically changed but it isn't. You and she are living in the same house, with your son, as you were on Thursday. She is your wife and you are her husband.

You are feeling massive rejection, panic to it, and helplessness. Your feelings. Just are. Believing that this is it, marriage is over, everything lost is contributing to the panic, rejection, anger, and a lot of resentment to her not meeting your expectations (that she wouldn't talk about it until now).

Breathe. Do not act against the marriage, even if you feel like acting against your wife. Breathe some more.

Drink a lot of water. Walk with your son. Play with him.

Spring is on the verge. Even in Georgia, the sun rises and sets spectacularly.

Look to these things for today. Do not jump ahead or behind.

Stay present.

Practice stating each feeling you have out loud. Not for her benefit or a reaction, but yours.

Hold to your code. Spend time writing down your standards, what matters most to you NOT to do to others. Rewrite the list again as what you will not allow you to do to yourself.

Create a boundaries list...what you won't allow others to do to you...you have no control over their choices. You must have the progressive steps predefined for each infringement and then choose to put those into place.

Focus on now...nothing is different right now. Pray to know, to be comforted and supported when you feel weak. Practice what you've learned.

Breathe.

You're not alone.

LA

"Give her control again over the situation?"

She has control over herself. How low she's willing to go...anger is fueling her; remember, she's as terrified, lost, confused, raging, sorrowing, resenting as you are.

Do not negotiate away anything for your son at the expense of yourself.

She is exposing your humanity. You were attempting to expose her infidelity. Big difference.

Did you miss the part of my post to BB that said I was as culpable in the SA as my H because I chose to comply?

Give her the respect that is hers...she participated in your fantasies, did not say it was a boundary to not cross and if it was, did not enforce it. Not for her, her son or you. She is a full partner in your SA. Just a fact.

She is desperately seeking leverage against you because of her own guilt and shame. Prepare yourself to own what she does just like you do.

You can do this.

Your perspective is in the way of your truth. That hurts.

Go get your son. Tell him you missed him too much.

You choose your actions to her actions. Contemplate. Find your priority (your north star) and stick to it. This may be a consequence to your SA; own it. May not. May be that you both feel the cleaving of a marriage and reconcile. You don't know.

On the drive, love yourself with words of attention, acceptance, no judgment and absolute respect. You are in control of you, all that you ever had control over, and accept that God will guide you, even when it looks like an awful place. You don't trust your wife anymore. Don't let that distrust spill over into God's territory. He doesn't love imperfectly, will not betray or punish you. That's what I believe.

Breathe more. Hug yourself often. Run your hand through your hair, lovingly hold your own hand (okay, not while driving). Represent to yourself God's love and your own. You're worth it.

Find your gratitude and list out all that you are grateful for.

That's being good to yourself. You've relied on your wife for all this for so long...give it to yourself.

LA

Drink a lot of water. Walk with your son. Play with him.

When?? He is in Alabama and we arent living in the same house... She won't come home and is in a hotel... She tells me she will probably go to Alabama soon for a few days..

I don't trust her.

I know you don't trust her. You don't have to.

Go get your son today.

She chooses not to come home. You need to seperate your finances today...get to the bank and establish your own account she can't touch. Her choice to spend it in a hotel, see? Not yours. She could be home.

Ask whoever you need to for money for a PI. It is imperative you get the truth for yourself. She's not telling you any truth.

Are you driving yet?

LA

Then what do I do...

I am so upset LA...

I'm here.

I hear you.

Your emotions are upset.

Describe them.

Bringing your son home helps his emotions...being yanked out of bed...daycare...the sudden drive...knowing his parents are in pain...bringing him home into your arms will help your upset.

That's the action to focus on.

He needs you. He will always need and love you, unconditionally, even when he says he hates you. You're his Dad. He can't help it. Thank God, literally, for also making this a dynamic of our human lives.

LA