Hi everybody, this post is also duplicated in the "Just Found Out" forum too, so my apologies if you've read this before.

I'm a long time lurker here. My story is very similar to many peoples' here. My wife cheated and became a completely different person. Trivial things from years earlier now became reasons to divorce me. I think many of you know the rest of the story. The D will be final soon. It's been horrible, but many windows have been opened while this door was shutting. I'm coming out of this for the better (hence the screen name) and, as such, I'm not here about a problem in my M. Hopefully, some of you can help me with this delima.

This past weekend, I was on a business trip and found out from a co-worker that 2 other co-workers of ours' have been having a SA for the past few years. The woman in this trist has been a friend of mine for 10 years and I have confided in her about my marital problems many times. She has been married for about 3 and a half years to another good friend of mine. The man in the trist is unmarried but has been dating the same woman for 4 years. He and his girlfriend have lived together for the past year and a half and just got engaged over New Years.

The co-worker who told me about this told me under the utmost confidence. I consider this co-worker to be a friend too and I don't want to break her trust. We have a very small office and if I confronted either person in this trist, they would know exactly where I found out. The problem is, having gone through what I've been through, I know the horrible pain and A can cause. I'm feeling, right now, that I can't, in good concience, continue being friends with a woman who is doing this to her husband; especially when I'm friends with that husband. I feel like I should tell her husband, but I know I shouldn't. Aparently, this A has not caused her to start treating her H bad or caused a 180 in her personality. Plus, if I confronted either of them, I would be betraying the trust of the friend who told me about it. Anybody have any advice on what I might do? I'm not sure how I'll look at them when I go into work tommorow.

In retrospect, I'm now seeing some signs that this was going on. The 2 of them would take long "lunches" together, even though they really don't get along that well as friends. The woman in the trist, and I, were, just recently, checking out www.poordivorcedguy.com where they have a page where people who've had affairs can "absolve themselves" by donating money to someone whose spouse cheated on them. The going rate for absolution of an EA was lower than for a SA and she thought that was ridiculous. She was arguing that SA were not all that bad and that EA's were way worse. I disagreed, again, having gone through a PA in my M, but now it kind of makes sense why she was arguing that point. Also, she would often tell me to "get over it" when I would express anger at the OM in my wife's A (while still being sympathetic and supportive toward me about everything else). It all kind of makes sense now.

This situation familiar to anyone out there? What did you do? Thanks for any advice (and all the help I've gotten from reading these boards over the past year)!

Seems you have conflicting loyalty to your "friends".


How and why do you "know you shouldn't"? Is he a friend or isn't he? What would you want him to do if the roles were reversed?


Although I haven't visited that site, I offer that there is no amount of money that can absolve anyone of an affair - unless it also includes a healthy dose of humble pie and genuine remorse. A fool and his money are soon parted.

Well, blow me away!

I peeked and that site isn't so bad after all. It even links to MB and my Quick Start Guidelines. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Now, let me ask you this question - is that YOUR website and are you being honest with us about your story? i.e., are you just advertising your internet begging scheme?

WAT

Simple questions:

Are you a man of principle and integrity? If so then......
All it takes for evil to exist is for good men to do nothing.

I guess "I know I shouldn't" is kind of a cop-out. The delima I am wrestling with is that I know that I would want to know if I were in his shoes, but I could loose other friends and create a very negative work atmosphere for myself and others if I do tell him. I know what's right from the moral standpoint, I don't know if it's right from a practical standpoint. I know that sounds lame too. It's all part of my working this out, I guess. I hope I'm able to come to the correct decision on this.
I agree. I wouldn't want my STBX or the OM to be walking around with a clean concience just because they gave 5 bucks to someone. I think that site is kind of tounge-in-cheek, though.

Friendly 2x4

Man-up, send an anon. letter to the injured parties and regain some integrity. Your silence makes you an accessory after the fact. This has been allowed to continue because those who have knowledge don't have the moral fortitude or simple backbone to do something about it.

It's like an old woman being mugged with a crowd of people looking on but "not getting involved" because it's not their problem.

This IS your problem now because you have direct knowledge.

I think it's awesome that you've come here to post about this. You obviously have some feelings about it. I couldn't sleep at night if I were in the same situation and did nothing. That's just me though. I tend to see the value in helping to expose injustice, esp. when innocent spouses and children are involved.

I can't make you do it but I hope you think long and hard about what is happening to the lives and marriages (present AND future) of these people.

God bless - thanks for posting.

Nope, not mine, although we did find it because this woman (the one having the affair) has been calling me "The Poor Divorced Guy". On a slow day last week at work, I tried out www.thepoordivorcedguy.com and www.poordivorcedguy.com and found that site.

I can assure you that the story with my co-workers is true. I know what the right thing to do is, but I am trying to find out if anyone else has been in a similar situation so I can see what their outcomes were. Maybe I'm just looking for some convincing. This is a hard one.

Flukeboy,

Your Kitty Genovese analogy is a bullseye for this scenario.

That's not a bad idea. The timing, if I sent it right now, would be suspect, though, and the friend who confided in me would know I'm responsible. As far as we know, the SA stopped a few months ago, so waiting a little bit to send a letter might not cause any futher harm. Wow, that sounds lame too. I'm having trouble battling my integrity on this.

I had trouble sleeping last night. I woke up early, thinking about it. I'm just so disapointed in these two people.

I'm not familiar with "Kitty Genovese", what's that all about?

Thanks

Kitty Genovese was a woman murdered in the 1960's in New York. Her case was infamous because it was later learned that almost 40 neighbors heard her pleading for help...pleading for her life .....and no one lifted a finger to help her.

And how did you find out your W was cheating? Did you catch her? Did she confess from guilt? Or was someone kind enough to tell you before you drove yourself crazy wondering why you couldn't seem to do anything to make her happy?

You know what you gotta do,,,,,,,,,,,,

Actually my wife confessed out of guilt the first time I confronted her about why she was acting differently. This was only about three weeks after she even met the OM. The thing is, our M was never the same after that. It seem she decided as soon as she and the OM had their first kiss that our M was over. My co-worker/friend and her H, however, don't seem to be having any M problems (other than her sleeping around, of course). I don't think she is having the A (or "had"; I think it's been a few months since anything happened w/her and OM) because she is unhappy with her H. I think she's just really is into sex. Don't think me neive for saying that, remember, I had a wife who had an A that had nothing to do with wanting sex. I just have known this woman for a long time and know that she has an appetite more typical of your average male (she enjoys porn, had many partners in her pre-marriage days, goes to strip clubs). The point I'm making, I guess, that's at the center of my delima, more so than betraying my other co-worker's trust, now that I think about it, is that, if I tell her H what I know, I could be breaking up a M that might not break up if I keep my mouth shut. The key word there is "might". I don't know what would happen, but in this odd case, their M might survive and thrive if this never gets discovered.

Still, I know that if she's been doing this most of her M, she's likely to do it again and eventualy her H will get hurt. Who knows, maybe they have an "open relationship" and he wouldn't be hurt. Somehow I doubt that, though. I'm very confused by all this. I just want to make sure that if I did tell her H or confront her, I wouldn't do it just out of the anger I have over what happened to me. Iwant to make sure I do the right thing.

Hi NewMan615:

My story is very similar to your story. I would hope that if you are a man of integrity that you will do the right thing and let your friend know what is happening.

Isn't it funny how different men and women are? This WW thinks that a EA is worse than a Physical Affair and a lot of women would agree with her. But to most men a PA is far worse than a EA. An EA would bother me but I now know my Wife had EA before and it was not near as big a deal to me. Now the PA was a different story!!

Why don't we let her H decide if it is a big deal or not? If an SA is not as bad she should not mind if her "H" finds out. What if this other guy gives her a disease and she passes it on to her H? What if she gets pregnant by the OM and her H ends up paying his whole life for a child he did not father?

I could go on but you know it is wrong. Please don't wait your friend does not deserve such treatment. Just like you he can maybe fix his marriage or find another woman that he can trust with his life and his heart. Good luck and please do the right thing!!

Send a letter or whatever you need and help your friend.

why in gods name would anyone "battle their own integrity"??

your battling you lack of integrity in my opinion......you wish you had more and feel bad for doing nothing when you know what someone WITH integrity would do....

I would go back to the friend who informed you, and say something like this....

"You have burdened me with information. I have thought about it from every single angle, and feel that I MUST inform her husband of her behaviour. This is why....(right to know, disease, etc.).

I know you told me this in confidence, but I feel it was unfair of you to ask me that, considering the gravity of keeping this information secret. I do hope you will understand what I must do"....

And maybe your informant will agree with you after you tell her your dilema. Maybe the two of you can work together on finding the best way (anonymous if necessary) of passing along the information.

This keeps your integrity intact. There are times when a "secret" is wrong to keep. Molesters tell their victims to keep it secret. A more extreme example of when a secret should not be kept, but it does get the point across.

People will be hurt, whether you tell or not. But TRUTH should win.

Very Good post Janet. That's exactly what he should do!!

God Bless,

-Caren

Janet,

Your reply has been the most helpful so far. That may be the way to go. While if I choose to do nothing I may be deserving of some of the browbeatings I'm getting here, I haven't made that decision yet. I only just found out on Saturday after all. Yours is what I was looking for. A helpful sugestion that takes into account all aspects of this situation. Thank you.

The short answer is that of course you disclose what you've found out to the injured parties. If you saw a robbery being committed in the bank down the street, you'd be dialing 9-1-1 as quick as your fingers could move.

This is no different. The love and physical closeness that should be guaranteed to the other spouses is being stolen. That you haven't seen the signs of the theft yet is not material.

Additionally, that woman who only cheats on her husband for the sex? Her husband deserves to know so he can be tested for STDs. Who knows where this woman's sex partners have been before they had sex with her? Don't even think about "safe sex." There isn't any such thing.

Both of the other spouses deserve the respect of having the chance to correct the problems in their lives. MB members will be glad to help them do just that, but nothing good can happen until the betrayal has become known.

One final point. You’re certain this one woman is a friend of yours. Her calling you “poor divorced guy” tells me she may be toying with the idea of having you as the next man in her bed. Then you get to worry about STDs. The other interpretation of her calling you that is, of course, that she has no respect for you and she’s mocking you. After all, she cheats on her husband. She has no respect for him. What makes you think she has any for you?

Like Fluke said, man-up and let the betrayed spouses know there are serious difficulties in their marriages and their lives. If you want to do it anonymously, and can do it effectively that way, go for it. I wouldn’t let that stop me, though. You can find another job and if you’re worried about friends…hey, you don’t need friends who think it’s okay to cheat on their spouses or to enable infidelity by keeping quiet.

newman...

I don't think you took a browbeating...but you sure will be hard pressed when asking this collective if it believes the innocent have the right to know....

what is always scary are the infidels that use the office platform to enact their affairs....

they try to use office politics and office niceties and really coherce coworkers in keeping quiet and enabling...

it's disgusting....

you are considering NOT telling because it may make things uncomfortable at work...

well the truth is now that you KNOW..things will be uncomfortable at work from this moment on...
but they should be uncomfortable because of the RIGHT reasons...

It is unfair of your friend to burdon you with immoral activity and expect you to condone it....
it is infact somewhat insulting....

the undermining of marriages is a rampant disease in this country...

we have knee jerked ourselves out of fear of being accused of judging so far back in to a corner that many people would be most honest to reply NOT ABLE TO ATTEND on the many wedding invitations they get...

why attend a wedding if one doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage.....

marriages are a community and societal statement ALL about fidelity...it is exactly what it represents...and we should not deny or change it's definition to keep things smoochie smoochie at the office....

ARKie

>I know what's right from the moral standpoint

Then you know what you have to do. You are either a moral person or you're not. There are no shades of grey when it comes to morals.