Post deleted by LLG

Why answer first the questions you pose, when you cannot get to any real evaluations at all?

RC...you are full of resentment. Think of it like a shade of red covering your vision. You look hard at your WH, but only see through red...you can't tell if he's wearing a blue shirt or a black one...(cares or doesn't care). You can't tell the color of his eyes (which made you melt years ago); you can't see the softness of his skin (he looks like a martian through your resentment); or find him different from the background...no depth perception, all red.

I asked you to do a resentment timeline...see where your payoff was, your own, in creating the resentments you do. For you. For your benefit, so that you see all the colors, details, light, dark and otherwise.

O&H can't fail...R talks can't fail...unless you are having them to get a specific result. The talks themselves are wonderful steps in communication, reconnecting and practicing honesty. If you want to get to NC, recommitment, the pain over now and have a thriving marriage tomorrow...then you will "fail" because it can't happen. Part is you. Part is him.

I am not telling you that you are defective, awful or bad. You are not. You are human. You are struggling with emotions that rise higher and higher...I believe, because you are not tracing them back, getting all their information, and finding out why they are screaming. Could be, you've reacted all your life to them and now that you're not, they want the habit back.

I dunno. You can know.

If you only see his love in obedience...not in his presence, words or touch, then you won't feel his love unless he is giving you what you want when you want it.

My fear for you is that you love your control fantasy more than yourself or your WH. And by believing it is all his part, that you will leave, replace him, and in two years, have piled up new resentments, you will believe you are with a clone of your WH. Still hurting, struggling, manipulating and desperately seeking what you already have within yourself.

You are good enough, smart enough, strong enough, loving enough and fully aware enough...you are enough. Period.

There is no reason to throw your power away and choose to live in resentment, requirements--living reactively. You can do this, RC, for YOUR SELF.

God is with you. He doesn't leave. He doesn't obey you and you can't control him. He loves you without end. Why?

Why?

You can't be safe no matter how much you control...you cannot protect yourself from God.

Heck, now I'm being reactive. See? Human. Flesh and blood. My heart just ached for you, RC. I remember. I know this very well. Same thoughts, fixations and feeling lost. You are way ahead of where I was...REBT, Boundaries, SAA, HNHN...all of them. If anyone can do this, I know you can.

LA

Post deleted by LLG

I love that..."the post went bloop." I feel anguish when that happens to me...and now, losing what you wrote, well, I miss it!

How are you today?

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Sounds like a breakthrough to cherish, RC. I read about your IC starting soon, too.

No snow...lots of wind, though. Spent a lot of time with DH.

Write down your details...seems like if I don't, I hide them from myself after a breakthrough.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Wow. Realizing the problem is half the battle. You can learn how to take care of yourself. I think that will help you. It is good to have other people in your life, but you need to remain true to yourself. Make yourself a promise that you will take care of YOU.

((((RC))))

Those hugs are for the trigger of OW answering the phone. I remember. It as awful. To talk to my WH, I had to go through her. I'm so sorry. Does your WH have a cell? Might be a good investment...only call that number...the one on his body.

Now that I've read more of your post, I'm rejoicing for this trigger for you. Wow. You went like seven levels deep, didn't you?

Fantastic, RC. Sincerely, reverently, I say, fantastic!

Let's look at those beliefs:

1. I never get what I want.
2. people always take advantage of me and always will.
3. I don't mean much.
4. I don't want people to really look at me for me because I don't have much to offer.

That honesty you crave...we're going to employ it here. First, I want to honestly tell you, soul to soul, you are not, have never been, or will you ever be defective. Truly God made all of us the same...wonderfully made, complete and whole as we are, before a word was needed or an action taken. We are. Do you choose to believe this?

Get in the place inside yourself that knows this...like a homecoming back to your true self, not the one you invented to be approved of, accepted, loved for...who had to be controlled to get all these things...

Which goes to your first belief...

In all honesty, is it true that you never get what you want?

Your second belief:

If people don't know the real you, only the controlled false self you show, can they really take advantage of you? Or is that the false self they disrespect, knowing, because they have that in themselves, that what you've chosen to show can be taken advantage of?

I know these beliefs, RC. I had/have them in me. Slow going replacing them thoroughly. I do understand.

When you are in your authentic self, who is the one most taking advantage of you? You? Because you had to throw it aside because it wasn't approved, accepted, loved, as is?

Third belief:

You don't mean much because you're defective. Now, how true is this in your adult knowledge? Do you believe others mean much? Defective or not? Do others have the significance you crave? Why do they? Because you see them that way?

Fourth belief:

Not much to offer...don't look too closely to the small woman behind the curtain, hmm? Do you look at others as not having much to offer? Before they could speak or act, they were equally as whole and complete as you were. Stuff got in the way, different avenues, same town. You are meaningful and significant...as seen and loved by God as all of us are. As you are. Completely. Entirely.

No offering required.

Your presence is enough, RC. You are a human being, not a human doing.

You know what matters most? You are present in your marriage. Without a single action, you stayed. You looked fierce pain in the eye and you stayed. Continuing to stay present and not seek refuge in the controlf fantasy is tough, but you're doing it. Each time you yank yourself back to the present, you stay present. This matters. Your part in the marriage contains this magnificent gift..your presence.

None of my words will cure you. All this I'm saying is already in you...you know it, have felt it, like a burden lifting, again and again. You know this is true. Scarier than what you believed before.

Approve of yourself...pride going before a fall to the side...approve and embrace your self. The real one. The one that has many unlikeable and amazing parts. All of them. They are yours. Entirely. Without defect. For your purpose.

Accept this is you--and that your first betrayal was really on the inside. You left you behind. Hold that cherished, tiny self and know that no one was at fault. You did what you did and you don't have to do that again. Ever.

Choose you.

Continue to choose you...turn that craving for forgiveness into forgiveness to yourself. You knew how to survive that way, now you are choosing to thrive in a new way.

We bring all of ourselves into the present, each moment. What appears to be all about the present is a lot of emotional reactions from the past, hidden and active. You are not alone, RC. Thank you so much for sharing you, marvelously made you, with us. Please don't delete or deprive another thirsty person from your story.

You are needed and necessary. I think you're beginning to know that is exactly what you are, without being a mother, wife, daughter, sister, or anyone, but RC. Gloriously you.

LA

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Post deleted by LLG

You are making HUGE strides. I can really relate to your story. Make yourself a promise today that you are going to start taking care of that little girl inside, that you will nurture her.

Tell yourself that you will still be a wonderful friend, wife, and mother, but that you are also going to protect yourself. Without that self-care, you can't help anyone else.

Post deleted by LLG

Hiya back, RC,

Great to see you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

First, to your wonderful post, honoring how difficult it is for you to leave it there, and what a gift it really is...this is how you build trust in yourself for yourself.

"are the parts of me that want to retreat into the unreal, the control fantasy, so on."

Your awareness is great. Please don't judge yourself harshly for parts of you wanting the retreat into fantasy. Proves you're human and you've been retreating into fantasy a long time. Welcome to the rest of us!

Look at your payoff, RC...when parts of you get to retreat into the controlf fantasy, the payoff is in the feelings you feel. Remember, your brain can make no distinction between reality and fantasy. It believes both. It knows no time. Fantasy give us feelings, which then give us the urge to stay in the fantasy. Find out which ones they are in you and what they represent. Just denying yourself the control fantasy isn't good enough. Works at first, helps to send the signal to your brain that the routine you've been in is about to change, but the brain will try hard to change you back to the routine. No malicious intent, just loves routine more than change.

I can relate.

Back to never getting what you want...I wasn't challenging you, but the belief. Clear statements of new beliefs have to be made; "Sometimes I get what I want, and sometimes I don't" This would be the adult, reasonable belief to replace the old one. The old one is more powerful, determines more of your emotions because you've believed it longer, stronger. Made by a child that lives in you. Has power. I wasn't saying don't have a pity party--that got you to hidden truths, essential ones, in you. Truths? Yeah...they are truths to you...though not true to you the adult.

When you repeat those truths to yourself in anger, what feeling are you most likely to get as a result? That's your payoff. That's what you have to realize is governing your perspective--the payoff.

You are doing a fantastic job of listening to and feeling yourself. Very admirable and conscious, I think.

On enlightened one...and then you laugh. Cracks me up. Do you always talk to us enlightened ones that way? LOL Heck, it is the been there, done that...felt that amazement. God passes on messages to us through others. You to me, me to you...by us sharing our experiences. He's been at you for a long time, attempting to be heard...also knowing you will get there when you get there. His signal in the night doesn't falter. Once you hear it, you hear him again.

The better you know and love yourself, the more you will be intimate with God, to his great joy and delight. Good things snowball, too, ya know.

I know I haven't heard of REBT until you said it, so I'm only going with a thought here--"with good and bad tendancies, attibutes, gifts, strengths, weaknesses." Judging remains, then? Determining which tendencies are bad or good? Does that mean intent? If your philosophy allows you to judge yourself instead of know yourself...then that will be what you do to others, too. Balance. Judging their intent instead of knowing it. I can see where this would be a slip in the gears.

Depressed...anger turned inward? Rejection? What is depressed to you...shame for letting yourself down when you committed to be different? What do all those contain? Judgment.

"LA, I am choosing to choose me. This sounds a little strange. but I am." No strange about it. Celebrate it. No blushing. You are choosing to know you, know your choices, feel your wholeness and others' as well. Hey, I don't think it gets much better than that. Strange? Not in my opinion.

We learn when we learn, RC. Now is a good time Before wasn't. Later wasn't. Happens that way.

Don't judge how long, what depth or when knowledge comes. Rejoice it does. You are the one getting it.

You're more than welcome, RC, for anything. Al-Anon more than once, even. Couple of times. You choosing you. You rock. Worth choosing.

I like quote boxes...you've been fantastic with paragraphs. It is a LASIK for me this year, I think. And H. Mines from reading too much.

Heehee.

I posted to your other thread about not understanding your I in marriage question.

Look forward, as always, to seeing your posts. Thank you for them. And believer, too. Thank you.

LA

Post deleted by LLG

You can laugh with me all you want, RC (oops, LLG). I have believed from the beginning that your intentions are not to offend, anger or degrade. I was laughing with you. I'm just like you, on the road.

I liked RC, you know...because I grew up with RC Cola. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I understand a rebirth name, though. So, you didn't answer my question about the I in Marriage. It's the fifth letter.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Good morning and welcome to Spring. (Finally arrived in Colorado, so I'm rejoicing.)

LA

Post deleted by LLG

Always wishing you well with prayers and thoughts, LLG.

You have done this twice now; exposed to OWH and now a loved one about infidelity in their own marriage? Both times you feared their choices, consequences...I can hear it in you saying they are highly upset and are saying they want a divorce. Giving them a copy of SAA (with a post-it with MB web address in it) would be the best way...respects their choices and leaves you there for support. Let go, LLG...each to their own journey.

You did not cause, cannot control or cure others. Not with great intentions, awful ones or perfect ones. Your influence is what you have and you've told them they can survive and you know how. That's all that's needed.

I did the same thing at work awhile back. Flooded a fellow in the BH role with information, books, MB website, etc. I didn't respect him enough to ask me what he needed...threw it all at him at once. The Fixer in me is still strong. Good to know, hate to act on it.

Just sharing...did I mention that the stop fearing and start living is terrific?

LA

Post deleted by LLG

We know the pain of where they have to walk...no wonder we hurt for them...and that seems reasonable then, to act on their behalf...when it isn't.

We hand out the tools in life--just don't tell them how to hammer, what to hammer and what their outcome will be, right?

I wanted to thank you for the Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend...I remembered you when I was out Monday night and picked up Boundaries in Marriage...just started it. Awesome. A gotta have. Recaps Boundaries, so I think this would also be great for you, too. I love this line...there are three realities: Freedom, Responsibility and Love.

Whoa.

You're gonna love it, too, I bet...lots of scripture quoted. I love when a self-help book quotes scripture.

Lol!

Anyway, was just thinking of you and had to stop by and tell you. Holds to my standards/boundaries thing.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA