Post deleted by LLG

I'm going to see my oldest son tonight...after nearly a year without his face within reach. Does it get any better? My middle son was just in my office on his lunch break...two hugs and kisses today...does it get any better?

My H and I walked around a lake last night at sunset...holding hands...very romantic, except for the hovering bugs...looked like I was waving at everyone...then we had dinner out. Does it get any better?

And Jwoman helped me with what I say to myself...which I shared with DH...and also, believer's grief timeline...we're going to work on that this weekend...

and did I mention I'm seeing my 22-year-old son tonight?

LOL

AND...you posted to me.

DOES IT GET ANY BETTER?

LA

Apparently it does...wow...guess what?

I'm gonna be a grandmother. First time typing that. Whoa. DH said, "I'm not going to be a grandpa. You can be a grandmother but I'm not going to be a grandpa."

LOL

December...wow.

I wanted to share that with you first.

Wow.

So, maybe I might not be so focused right now, hmm?

Oh, LLG...if you were here I would hug you!

LA

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Post deleted by LLG

I'm here...hit me with it...I also emailed you.

Great to see you again. Did you make an appt with SH?

LA

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I'm here...nearly missed you, though. Was going off to take a nap...too down...so I'm here. I'll wait.

LA

While I wait, I had this thought...

"While I find that it would be very helpful my H is very conservastive and I know he wouldn't agree to spending that kind of money. So held off on contacting him."

Where's your choice here? Are you not able yet to say, "After finding out the cost, I chose not to"?

LA

Okay, nap is back on...see you in awhile.

LA

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Post deleted by LLG

Nope...emotionally down. I posted it on Kg3's thread and she has't responded.

tiny lol.

Okay, so I hear you saying you didn't want to be the problem. That's what you kept hearing me say, over and over again...that you were. Changing you meant you were the problem.

You're reconsidering that now.

And here I was saying where's your power? Not problem.

I like you fine the way you are...your self isn't a problem. I wanted to see if you wanted to change some of your beliefs.

As for what I asked...leaving the I out can be important. Sounded like you were saying you couldn't because of your H, though. Probably just me.

LA

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Post deleted by LLG

Thank you, LLG...I'm trying to figure out my own feelings...rejection comes from within...though it can actually be from others...I'm not good at seeing what is real and what is perceived yet in regards to my FOO.

"As if my bahavior isn't taken into account or doesn't have any bearing on them." Do you find annoying things in H? Do you stop loving him, run away from him, because he has some behavior (and I'm not talking about the BIG one) at times? Love stays, LLG. Really does. Others leave mostly do to their own choices...yes, you still have power...you can AO at friends and they can choose to not remain in your life. I have friends, though, throughout my abusive years, who remained...AOs, DJs and all...just got off the phone with one of them...people choose. It isn't them withstanding you; or you driving them away...it is living. Missing. Connecting and disconnecting. People like tides. Your very essence is what is connected to--not your actions, all the time--when you do tally up best and worst, measure it and assess whether this person is worth your presence...then yes, I guess you could say you can drive others away...but would you consider that would be very difficult if the others didn't judge, assess, take your behavior as anything but your own?

Fear gives you all sorts of permissions...to get rid of thoughts of your loved ones, to DJ, AO, SD, lie...to protect you...lead you to be contained without harm...which is impossible as humans because our purpose is to connect...yet there is something, as you can see, that fear can teach you--to be self-contained, know your boundaries, not live from fear but know what it is attempting to show you and act, anyway.

Feeling superior is a protective device from fear...comes from your belief everyone is not equal...causes measurements to be taken, progress to be charted, and judgment to rule your life. Same for those, like me, where inferior reigned...I was already less than others, so I had to measure and compare to insure I remained less than others.

Lots of work, don't you think? All that time...reminds me of talking with DH last night...he related how conscious of time he was as a teenager--what he could be doing, when, how...and watching time. He finally stopped wearing a watch to stop himself from spending so much time thinking about time. He felt free of it...both from a compulsion. We were married about five years when he began wearing a watch...the same time on time came back, but not to the same degree...and he's worn one since. He loves watches...he's a tactile person...and yet, he's thinking of not wearing one, again, to break that time flying by feeling...that constant dose of not good enough, productive enough trap he's falling back into...he removes the tool for it, to free himself.

And he's like you with the superior thing...which is the same as the inferior thing...because equal can't be grasped for him. He's working on it, also.

I can see you following your thoughts and finding your reasons behind your desire to control...and they are valid, LLG. I believe you know this...and your expectation that once you know, you don't think that way, feel that way anymore is instanteous. To replace a belief you have to demonstrate to your self that you believe the new one and want to change the old one. Takes a little time and some repetition.

Would you also consider that this pattern of putting what is yours onto others, and taking what isn't yours as your own, is self-betrayal? That some, maybe half, of the pain and anguish you have felt from your H's choices was that you were feeling that betrayal fresh, over and over again, when the feeling was coming from betraying your self?

When we give our stuff to others, we are saying, "Self isn't worth it"; same for when we take what isn't ours as our own.

That's a harsh, tough and untrue message. We truly can't give away and take what isn't ours...not in God's design. Yet, we can live that way from ignorance, self-loathing, and earning love from others to love what was ours all along. To do this, we must lie to ourselves, live in wishful thinking, judge and blame. Tough way to live.

And yes, the only way out for me to stop being false to myself so others would like me was to stop judging whether others liked me or not. Keep the focus on you. Judgment at bay. From yourself and others. Increase acceptance of others, emphasizing equality, and stop focusing on earning like or love.

You are fine, LLG. As you are. You can't see it yet...but you're clearing out a lot of stuff in your way...so know you will.

Thanks for being here for me and for you.

LA

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FOO - Family Of Origin

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And yes, you really got that I am surprised at not knowing how to break the enmeshment with my folks when I have done so with my H and children. Same rules apply?

Why not?

Why aren't they working?

Okay...the rejection arises from the beginning of the year, actually Christmas...would have been the first Christmas home in 23 years...but I was uninvited...my sis and family went. Then my father has his first heart attack in 20 years first of January...I'm told to be ready to come out, which I am, because my mother had always vowed if he had another one, she wasn't going to wear herself out taking care of him (he gets mean). Okay. Comes about not so bad...no surgeries, a couple of stints and they manage him on meds...so I wasn't called to go.

As of last Thursday night, when he got his pacemaker, my mother told me to be ready...I said of course, anytime, that I'd been ready from the first of the year. She said she'd let me know when her surgery was so I could come out...hadn't talked to the doc to get it scheduled...

Sat morning, that's when my sis calls and says she's in Houston.

So, I'm being saved for later. Can you see how the later doesn't come? And I am trying desperately to see where there is no rejection in this...she was called on instead. She has a son graduating this month...so they called her to come out for now, so that she could return in time for graduation. Okay. Okay. I'm breathing...being saved for later.

I don't want to go at all LLG. I'm terrified...the closest to getting something that doesn't sear in my heart is my dear H saying, what if my mother fears? Knows that she criticizes me to pieces, takes me apart, and is protecting me that way, saving me?

I'm breathing...I did say directly to my sis, why you? And later, my mom called with her info on saving me for later...

I did the same about Christmas...wrote Dad an email saying how I felt rejected and hearing they had no intention of rejecting me...just didn't want a gathering for Christmas. It was planned all last year, LLG...up until October...then I was uninvited...

So...where do I put that. I do believe I am now conditioned to this--expecting it where it might not be at all...and I want nothing more than to disown them...like the ten years they did me.

My child is alive and kicking, huh? She is fierce within me...wow. My choice is to go or not go, anyway. Problem is, my mom put a nix to that 25 years ago when I surprised her for her bday...she said to never show up uninvited again.

I still have choice...I hold to my boundaries by speaking of them...I do little more than that, though. I am terrified, LLG. I am afraid of disowning them...as a final boundary enforcement...they are nearing the end of their lives. I have been over and over this and have no qualms in doing this...only fear of doing it to protect myself instead of learning the lesson. Can't find the lesson. I know what isn't rejection with my H and my children...I don't know with my folks and sister. I was rejected from birth...adopted out, to them...so why wouldn't I feel acceptance, instead? I saw my mother and sister for the first time in 20 years three years ago. Might have something to do with it, huh?

Small smirk. Would like to lol...just can't.

I do understand one of us being there alone...to spread out the help...we can only get a few days off at a time, tag-teaming, I do understand. Just my turn doesn't seem to come. We went through this two years ago, also, with my mother's other hospital stay and return. Sis went then, also. She said, "Next time, your turn."

Same for in January..."We'll play it by ear."

And yes, I have some mindreading going on...because they have never disowned my sister; they have seen her every Christmas, and a couple times a year for all those lost years to me...and her husbands (different ones) and son...her son knows his grandparents...and luckily, because my Dad went to a family reunion on his side and we attended, he met my children; came to two graduations; my sons know him a little bit. They met my mom once when they were 5 and 3...and never for my youngest. So, yes, I am jealousy and not...my sons have said many times that they have a hard enough time not blasting grandpa, let alone grandma, and don't want anything to do with them, anyway.

Wishful child, I am. I got other grandparents for my kids, collecting them, the volunteers, who wanted them, were honored to be their grandparents...why can't that be enough for me? I really see me wanting what I want and ignoring reality.

What can I own here, LLG? My jealousy, cumulative pain...for choosing to keep my oldest son and give them up? Was that betrayal too deep to forgive? Is it for me to see me as a wayward child...that they were hurt too deeply, ashamed too much, so they withheld because I made them?

Or the second time...for not sending Christmas cards...or the third for talking to my sister's latest ex...which I did own...it was wrong. I allowed myself to be angry I wasn't told of something so big in her life...divorce...and wanted to connect in any way...and I did it the wrong way.

See how I don't know their boundaries? I don't know which punishment will result from what...why I didn't have boundaries myself...the lines move, jump up and over me...and some are clear, but I don't trust those, either...they are snakes to me.

And I don't know if I want to be respectful to them anymore...where my honest curls up like a cigarette ash inside me in regards to them. I am withholding, crouched and small around them...

Yes, my own expectations of how I want my FOO to be gets in my way, repeatedly. I get it cleared out...accept them for how and who they are, separate, equal...unless I have to be around them...then that falls apart. LOL I don't think I'm really getting my FOO beliefs replaced. I want them to be the same ones as with others...only they are marked "Mom" "Dad" "Sister" and apparently, that's powerful.

You know...we are all thrown together; my sis is adopted, I'm adopted, my mother is my stepmother and Dad is the last relic of what started the family at all...I believe I should be able to see us as all equal easier...almost a family by choice, by God's intervention...not a drop of blood between any of us.

Appreciate all your help...towards anywhere...but here.

Thank you, LLG

LA

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Wow, LLG...I said I appreciate your help...I laid it all out...and I meant, I don't want to be where I am...anywhere BUT here...not here with you.

Yes. I want your help. Yes. I need your help. FOO or anything. All one unit...me.

Wow...I am obtuse and cryptic, huh?

LA