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Yesterday H hire movers to come over and take all their(his and his mom's) furniture from here to their appartment.

I had a pretty bad day, even though I tried not to show. I took the kids out for the afternoon with a girlfriend of mine. Her kids and mine played together for a while then we came over to my house as I appologized for them having to sit on the kitchen chairs since I had no couch or anything much to offer them.

The kids didn't care, they headed to my kid room, and played on their computer.
She tried to help me change my door locks, but it didn't fit, so we put the old ones back.

Anyway, After she left I got the kids ready for bed.

Went to sleep at about 2:30am, and at 9:15 I'm woke up MIL knocking on my bedroom door. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Still half asleep(thinking it might be the kids_ even though they slept in my room) I say "come in" she says "it's me Sue" then I start to wake up and realize ... what the heck is she doing in my house...

I tell her to come in and she opens the door, says hi to the, NOW AWAKE, kids and tells me "I need to talk to you..."

Right away I think "Oh crap, what happened? what did Mark do now??"

I jump out of bed, tell the kids to stay in the room and go downstairs to find MIL all upset and she starts saying that "M went out last night and all he said to me was 'I'll be gone for the evening...' and it's now almost 9:30 and he's not home yet, and I'm afraid is laying dead in a gatter somewhere...I don't know what to do."

Of course i freak out. I start heading upstairs to get my phone book and see if i sould call somebody as she continues to say how she's afraid he might be dead somewhere, for all she knows... I snap and tell her "stop it! I don't want to hear that right now... i just burried a friend on Wednesday, i don't wanna have to think that i might have to burry my husband the next week as well... no to mention having to tell my kids that their father is dead, so just stop saying that right now, you don't know what happened!"
Her "Yeah, but he never stay out this late and not say anything"

Me "did you call the police?

Her "No, they won't do anything tilkl the person has been missing at least 24 hours"

Me "but they could tell if there was an accident or something"

Her "true. But I just waited till 9 oclock and came here...I was up since 6 this morning waiting to come over cause idon't know what to do."

I went into my room and his aunt happened to call me before I had a chance to phone the police.

She wanted to know how I was doing. So after telling her what just happened, and how he's been lately and how i didn't know if I should worry or be mad.

she asked why mad, and I told her about the dating site, and how he was going out every weekend and what not.

She told em to check on the website and see if they had a get together in our area, cause maybe he'd gone tothat.

I look and sure enough they went to a comedy club, as he post this question... and i quote him "Hey, looks like I am going to be bringing a guest.....

Is this going to be a problem? What do I do about the second ticket?"

My heart stoped to hear that.... this was hs first night with all his stuff... and he's already going on a date???

He had his cellphone shut off all night and day, cause I had called him the night before to askhim to bring OS precription meds over, since he needed it. And i couldn't get a hold of him... it was the first time the kids were going to spend the night with just me here, and nobody also, not even our furniture...the house was different to them and they wanted to sleep in my room, cause they were upset... and H never even called to ask if they were ok or to say goodnight to them.

He finally called me at about 11 am or so and told me he'd gone to the comedy club. I asked if he brought a date, and spent the night with her, he said that yes, he went with a date, and that he had spent the night with someone...

I thought I wouldn't care, but that hurt something awfull. I never thougth I'd feel so betraded. Like someone just stuck a knife throught my heart.

I DJ a lot, and asked how he could move on so fast as to sleep with someone he had just met and not understand why it bothered me.:'(

Anyway.... there's a lot more to the story, but I'm exausted from dealing with it all day.

He's aunt came over and helped me get a few things orginzed since they left a mess here after taking their stuff out.

One of my bosses called me to say that her husband was comming over with a set of couch and chair that they had for me.

I seem to find caring and kindness in everyone but my Ex who seems to hate me.

I'm so angry right now. The whole idea was to make this as amicable as possible for the kids...but he can't see why him going around screwing someone also days after leaving me, is hurtfull and anything but amicable.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
I don't mean he can't go out... but to tell me he would not move into another relationship right away... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

The kids went over to the appartment the other night and saw him talking to someone they said that looks just like me...
I told him not to expose the kids to his crap, cause i wont have it.

He is not single... HE'S A SINGLE DAD... that's 2 completely different things.

He cannot affort making himself unavailable and unreachable... what if there was an emergency with the kids?? Not to mention, OS's precription...he needs it. I couldn't get a hold of him at all cause he had his phone shut off.

You really blew it, hun. Remember: 70x7 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by Pam_blue1; 02/08/06 12:56 AM.

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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Unfortunately, this was inevitable.

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Just when you think it's over, and you can move on...


Over? Move on? I don't understand. You are a long, long ways from moving on. Nothing has changed other than the fact that your WH now lives across the street instead of in the basement. What is your plan?


ba109
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Pam, I hope you are talking to a counselor through all of this. I understand you wouldn't have alot of time, but you need someone to help you process all of this.
Things happen for a reason, and your friend's recent death reminds you of how important you are in your children's lives.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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First thing I'm going to do is change my locks.


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No, Newly. I can't afford to see a counselor right now.

I'm fighting a really bad cold right now that I fear is turning into Pneumonia, but I'm not sure.

My goal today is to find myself a Dr. close to where I live, and get checked up. As well as getting my locks changed.

After that I have a lot of cleaning up and organizing to do around here.

I had to keep the kids from school today, since OS has pink eye and both the kids have the same cold I do.


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Our area has a local women's crisis center which offers free counseling and can put women in touch with needed services such has help with food, apts., domestic violence etc. I know you live in CN, but the social services might have something similar. I also know that you believe you can't afford the time - but your situation has changed so drastically that you need help to process it all. And they may have someone the boys can talk to also. check it out.
Change the locks.
I can't believe he took the sofa, wouldn't he leave that for the kids?


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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He is not single... HE'S A SINGLE DAD...

No, actually he's a married dad.


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He actually called this morning and said he could drop me and the kids off at our family Dr. so I could get checked out as well. Considering I don't have a Dr. in the area, and was concerned this was pneumonia, I accepted.

The kids and I got prescriptions for Antibiotics, but it's not pneumonia, and that's a relief for me.
I mentioned to the Dr. about our situation, and how I was wondering if the stress was responsible for any of this.

He said that OS pink eye was probably not caused by it, however, because it has affected his optical nerve system, causing him to blink unvoluntarily, that the blinking itself could be caused by all the stress and sudden change we'regoing through. But he'll be fine.

He talked to both the boys, and asked them how they were feeling. He also asked if i was seeing a couselor, and gave me a few numbers I can call for appointments for me and for the kids, as well as crisis number I can call if I'm having a bad day and I feel the need to talk to someone in the middle of the night.

He is a wonderfull Dr. and has been very helpfull... was very supportive of me joining the weight wathchers, and told me both him and his wife were members, and gave me some good tips and websites to look at for recipies.

Told me it was a good idea to renew my membership at WW, even if it was just to have some extra support around. That it would do me some good to have at least 5 minutes a day to myself and for me not to feel bad for spending money on WW, cause if it helps me be healthier, in the end it is also helping the kids, cause they need me.

I don't know when i'll see him again, or if. He was helping me with the weight loss. I'm supposed to see him at least once a month. But that's ok. I'll figure out how to get there by bus.

H gave me his copies of the keys today. MIL when I said a couple of weeks ago I neede to talk to H about getting the keys backwhen he left, she asked "are you going to let ME keep keys to the house?" I said "why do you need keys to my house?" her "because sometimes I might come over to babysit the kids for you, so I should probably have keys" I said "even if you had to come over, i'd be here with them to let you in"

The conversation died there, and yesterday I wished I had been able to change those locks. So, I'm gonna chenge those locks and she can keep the old keys as souvenir.

As for the thing with the sofa... when his mom moved in with u, we had twice the furniture and only one house, so we rented a bigger place, and in the process our stuff was donated to the Salvation Army, and we kept her stuff... then she started replacing her old things with new ones...but they're still hers.
Now, she offered to leave the one sofa till I got mine. But my sofa and chair was coming in the very next morning, and the movers wouldn't come back for that the next day, so I told her it was ok, I could wait till the morning.

The house is starting to look ok again. We ahve a nice sofa and chair set, I also got a kitchen table and chairs coming in tomorrow.
It's a beautifull day out and the whole house is lit up with the sunlight. I feel ok today. It will take time getting used to being the only adult in charge here, but i'll get there. Life will be good again.


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You're right, Ba... he is still married.

But he doesn't see it that way, and won't act like it. And quite frankly, I'm tired.

I refuse to focus anymore on him. I've decided to force myself to stop thinking about anything bad that happened up till yesterday... i want to be able to look forward and focus on my kids future and mine.

Mark can think and do whatever he wants form this point on. I will not allow myself to be influenced or hurt by his actions anymore...it will take time, but i'll figure out a way to stop caring.

His mom called this morning cause her cell showed I tried to call her (about OS pink eye thing), I told her it was ok, I had resolved the issued already.

She went on talking about how things were last night between her and H, since she doesn't think he was happy with her for comming to me about him been gone, etc... said they never spoke a word to each other. i just interropted her and said, maybe it was better this way. She agreed and said she doesn't want to argue with him. i said she doesn't have to worry about it, since he works evenings mon/tues/wed and she'd only see him again Thursday, and that even then, it would be good if she tried not to argue with him, because that's when he gets the kids and i don't want them seeing the two of them argueing and what not. the kids have enought to deal with. She agreed. and I just told her to have a good shift. Indicating i wanted to go. She said ok, take care.
I don't know how to make her understand that I don't need or want to know of their business. I do't even want to answer the phone anymore these days. I might just get an answering machine on my next paycheck.

I feel emotionally, menthally and physically drained. But, like I said, it is a nice day, and that cheers me up some.


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Pam,
No Contact!!! That means you need to find your own way to appointments ect. I am not saying this to mean. I have been where you are now and I am just trying to help you. You can't be hurt by someone who you don't talk to. I know all of this sucks. I know you feel as if your whole world has been blown to pieces. You will feel this way for awhile but it will get better.

I'm glad you got different furniture. I can't believe they moved out the furniture so the kids had none. Talk about selfish!!Oh well that is one less thing for you to say was his. Just think it is the first items that are just yours <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I am thinking aobut you and if you need anything please e-mail me
jillie_bean_36@hotmail.com


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Pam - Hang in there. Well, I stopped posting several months ago, because he didn't seem to realize that mom needed her own life. I see that has still not happened.

See if you can get into some kind of women's support group. Churches or women's centers usually have them. You need to be with people who care.

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"Pam,No Contact!!!" "You can't be hurt by someone who you don't talk to."
You're right.

"...you need to find your own way to appointments ect."
Right again.

[b"]I am not saying this to mean."[/b] "I am just trying to help you." I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thankyou. I really appreciate it.

"I know all of this sucks." Yep. Big time.

"you feel as if your whole world has been blown to pieces..." Yep
"... it will get better." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

"I'm glad you got different furniture." me too.
"I can't believe they moved out the furniture so the kids had none."
Well, It was all her stuff anyway, and she did offer toleave a few things for me... but the how would they get it to their place when my stuff came in yesterday? Plus, it's one less reason for his mom to keep comming around if I don't have much of her stuff over here.

Not to mention what you said: "Just think it is the first items that are just yours" It feels nice to have these things that belong to just me and my kids now.

No resentment about the furniture thing, really. I want to get my own stuff... besides, she ended up leaving her washer and dryer here since they're too big for an apartment... so at least I don't have to worry about how to get the laundry to the laundromat and back.

Thank you Jillibean. I gotta sit down and get my thoughts organized... I need to start adapting to what's in front of me now. To how life is going to be from now on.


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Thank you Believer,

I'll definetly do some research for that right away. I need to get so much stuff done.

He finally yesterday got me the letter i asked him weeks ago, that I need in order to apply for income assistence. They need a letter from him saying that we are separated and how much he is giving me for child support, so they can cauculate how much to suplement my income with.

His priorities are different, or he'd have that letter done weeks ago, specially when my Landlord had his done, as well as my 2 part time jobs. I should have had his before any of the other ones. But, whatever. I have it now.

Well, goodnight guys. I'm gonna go downstairs and get something also done before going to bed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />


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About 2 weeks before H and MIL moved out, he took me to at least 9 different stores, so i could find either a set of 4 kitchen chairs or a sofa i could buy. They're mostly in the few hundreds so I couldn't afford. Eventually we came home empty handed. I was very upset and frustrated that I couldn't even afford a sofa from a Thrift Store.

So last week(a few days before they moved out), I got a girlfriend to take me shopping for kitchen chairs again...

Now, because most chair i found I'd have to buy the whole set (including the table) and the only chairs that were sold on their own cost about 50 bucks each, I decided to pick up a small table/4 chairs set for $200 that this store had. But because I didn't have $200 available, I bought it on a rent-to-own basis.

My pyments will be $50 a month for 15 months(it sucks), but i can buy it off within 3 months without any penalty and it will cost me $230 minus whatever i have already paid towards it. And since March is a 3 pay period, i figured i can do that.

Well, I din't have all the paper they needed then in order to fill out all the forms, so they were going to deliver the table today and i was supposed to provide the remaining papers they needed so they could put on my file.

I found a bank statement that I was going to give them as proof of residency, since it's a joint account for H and I (my child tax benefit gets deposited there).

I noteced we hadn't opened that stament yet, and it was fom last month, so as I opened andstarted to read it, i noticed that H had the bank depoist nearly 2 thousand dollars in the account from his RRSP on the 5 of January(he told me on the 4th he'd e leaving me).

Last time he had to take money out of the RRSP was to get YS teeth done, and it took the bank about 2 days to process it, then they called him the day before the money was deposited to let him know it was going to be there the next day.

So, here I'm thinking: he went to the bakn, and requested the money, they call him a couple of days later (the 4th) and let him know the money will be in the next morning... he takes me for a drive at about 11:30pm (the 4th) and tells me he is done trying and wants to move out. i ask him when, he says "as soon as possible...the end of the month."

HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THIS MONEY. At this point I'm furious.
I call himup and aske what was he thinking...taking money out of there and not even giving me some to help me out.

He says he doesn't have to. i told him that I'm entitled to some of that money. He says that's a matter of opinion.

We had bought a computer for the kids for Christmas and we are supposed to pay 500bucks each towards it( $100/mo each), or H will have to pay high interests if we don't have it payd up in 4 months... so I give him 100 dolars last month and he takes it, when he didn't need it, really. Could have just played "good guy" and told me to keep it cause he knew I really needed it and he'd cover my share for that month... but he took it.
And last week the Dental office called and said that there was a check in both our names there that the insurance sent for YS dental work. I asked H, so, since the check is in both our names, are you going to give me half of that...he say "no." So he kept that too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The goverment sent me a check in my name alone last month, to help with the cost of gas( before the phone call fom Dentits office), cause gas price had gotten so high... I said to him "do you want half of this check??? even thoug it's in my name, you're entitled to half of it" he says "no, you keep it" me "are you sure?" he says "yeah..you can use it for the table you wanted to buy" I ended up having to spend it on bills anyways... but nevertheless i at least offered to split it. I guess he figure since he got to keep the 2 thousand, that i could keep the 250.

I said: " how can you take 2 thou. plus your paycheck for the month, wich brings you to over 4 thousand dollars, and not even try to help me out when you're the one wanting to leave???

H: hey, i had to clear the bills before i left so you didn't have to worry about them. plus I needed a new bed, since you're keep the nice queensize bed we have. and my bed cost 400 bucks. the bills were over 350 bucks, and i had first month rent and damage deposit to worry about.

me: it's not my fault you and your mom let your share of the bills get 2 or 3 months behind...i kept my share up to date.

H:yeah, your share is a tenth of the bills!

me: that's because i make a tenth of what each of you made, so it evens out, and if i could keep mine paid up, there's no excuse for the 2 of you not to do the same.

H: whatever.

ME: besides you already have a matress, you didn't have to buy an expensive bed. As for the damage deposit and rent, that's your problem, you decided to leave, I never kicked you out... bottom line is, I'm entitled to some of that money and you never even told me you took it out... how can you be so selfish and uncaring after all these years??

H: well... there is no money, it's all gone, so..."

Me: so you had no right to take that new girlfriend of yours to a comedy club, spend all the money you spent of herm, then take her to some hotel and spend more money on that and room service and whatever the #ell you spent more money on for her...cause that money was supposed to come to me.
You know I was buying a table and chair on re-to-own because I can't even afford that... you had all that monehy when you drove me around lookg for funiture and saw my frusttration for not finding anything i could affor... you could at least had offer to buy me a small sofa and the table/chairs...since you could do it... how could you just sit there and not say nothing???
I'm the mother of your kids... I shouldn't have to put the 200 bucks you give me towards rent...that should be for the things the kids need. You give me 3 weeks notice that you are leaving me, and yet you had it all planned out...you knew way ahead of time you could do it. What else are you hidding from me?

H: nothing. It's your faulr, really... I told you to look for a smaller cheaper place... but you chose to stay here and said you could make it.

ME: What I told you was that I wanted to keep things as close tonormal for the kids as possible, and that having tomove, possibly to a place where the kids might have to change schools was not an option... they had enough change to deal with, and I'd stay here for at least a couple of months, even though I new it would be expensive, and give the kids a chance to get used to you been gone, before i make them get used to a new home, and new friends and say goodbey to the old ones, etc.

At this point he rolls his eyes at me and say "yeah, whatever..."

Said he wasn't going to argue anymore, and that, if I want to change any of this, that I can take the "for the sake of the children" corse and we can get a mediator, cause he's gonna give me the 200 bi-weekly like "we" agreed on. I was never happy with that amount...i left it alone cause hbe said since he gets the kids almost halt the time, that this is all the law requires him to pay me.

I told him that it really hurts me, when he knows how I grew up in a 3rd world Country and had to go without so many times, that he'd do this, specially when h knew I was stuggling to replace the things we had, and meanwhile he had that money and was able to just wacth my stryglle and do nothing... not care at all... I cannot believe he was that cold.

he said it's my fault.

I told him he left me with basicly nothing.. he said that was not true. That they offered toleave me the stuff and I refused... I reminded him that all thestuff belonged to his mom, and she offered to leave some of it( not all) and it was only for a month, since she was going to need it when she moved out of his place, and then I'd be in the same boat.

He said he left me the washer and dryer... and said: "my mom is still making payments for the washer and dryer that we're leaving for you!

I said " you mean YOUR MOM is leaving me the washer and dryer...like you said, SHE is the one making the payments, not you. you left me nothing.

This conversation strated on the phone. And ended later when he dropped the kids off and came in to pick up the cds he had left in the basement.

He came upstairs later on and asked wich furniture did I still need. I told him. I was a bit more calm down. the kids were playin up in the bedroom. YS came downstairs just before H was going to leave. H said goodbye to him, me and shouted goodbye to OS who was still playing upstairs and left.

I'm afraid to go to bed today, because it seems that every time I wake up there's something new and bad happening around me.

I know there should be no contact at all, but it's dificult when I discover something like that... I can't just pretend I still don't know nothing about it.

When does it start to get better? Cause I have a feeling he is hiding a whole lot more from me, and I'm afraid to find out what it is. All that ACTING around me, and here... to go as far as asking Starfish to help us???? I can't get past the anger...

----------------------


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I now despise your STBX, and I am so sorry that he has turned out to be such a lame-a$$.

I'm praying for you and the children, Pam.


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Well Slap your true colors are showing now, all this talk about wanting to make it work for so long just bullSh*t huh? I guess your proud proud of your actions and your turned out just all the rest of us WS's trying to fool everyone, didn't know that you had it in you, not only are you punishing Pam, but to do it way where it affects your kids is down right disgusting. I'm ashamed to even think that I was someone who felt sarry for your sitch, you had us all fooled. I'm so sorry that this is the out come of your marriage but since he is flying the colors of the angry ws stbxh, don't expect anything from him Pam, he will not admit it but his has abandon (sp?) his kids for free sex from loose women hope you like your empty life style Slap.

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When does it start to get better?


That's up to you. Are you going to continue to vent about how he terrible he is treating you or are you going to create a plan to take control of your life and it's direction.

Without an attorney, WH will bleed you dry. Don't say that you can't afford one. You can't afford NOT to have one. Stop spending money on tables and chairs and computers, etc. Get your priorities straight. You have children to house and feed.

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i told him that I'm entitled to some of that money. He says that's a matter of opinion.

Your opinion means squat to WH. He is in the drivers seat and he is going to take you for a ride unless you aggressively take charge of your life.


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Pam, I hope you are not still under the illusion that he's going to pay child support or give a crap about the living conditions of his children. He's an adolescent in a grown man's body.

Please check your email in about 20 minutes - I'm sending you some information for legal resources in Canada. You are definitely going to need them!!!


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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I hope that everyone can remember that there are 2 sides to every story. Including this one. Not everything that STBX has told you is true. Some of it may be true from a certain perspective, and other important details have been conveniently either left out, or glossed over. There is also a lot of huge speculation on her part.

I'm frankly a little disappointed to see her participation in MB jump so dramatically now that there is no more marriage to build. 3,4,5 years ago when some hope was there to be had, she was awfully quiet. Now that things have gotten really bad, she's here to let you all know what a horrible person I am. That's her perogative, I suppose.

The conditions of our separation were discussed many times over the past couple years because it was never very far away. She says now that she wasn't happy with them. But this is the first that I've heard about that.

Where we live, there is a great family mediation system. All that is required is for both parents to take a no-cost 2 evening introduction to the system. I took day 1 in the summer of last year and then didn't go back when we started talking to Star*fish. If she has concerns that she is getting less from me than she feels entitled to, then we can negotiate that out.

I just hope that you folks, well-meaning as you may be, don't push her into a divorce fight that she never wanted. Mediation is a reasonable alternative where we can negotiate with a professional, without things having to get expensive and ugly.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
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Quote
Pam, I hope you are not still under the illusion that he's going to pay child support

Well the first payment that she's already received wasn't an illusion.


On this day I see clearly.
Everything has come to light.
A bitter place and a broken dream,
and we'll leave it all behind.
On this day its so real to me
Everything has come to life
Another chance to chase a dream
Another chance to feel
Chance to feel alive
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