Yesterday H hire movers to come over and take all their(his and his mom's) furniture from here to their appartment.

I had a pretty bad day, even though I tried not to show. I took the kids out for the afternoon with a girlfriend of mine. Her kids and mine played together for a while then we came over to my house as I appologized for them having to sit on the kitchen chairs since I had no couch or anything much to offer them.

The kids didn't care, they headed to my kid room, and played on their computer.
She tried to help me change my door locks, but it didn't fit, so we put the old ones back.

Anyway, After she left I got the kids ready for bed.

Went to sleep at about 2:30am, and at 9:15 I'm woke up MIL knocking on my bedroom door. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Still half asleep(thinking it might be the kids_ even though they slept in my room) I say "come in" she says "it's me Sue" then I start to wake up and realize ... what the heck is she doing in my house...

I tell her to come in and she opens the door, says hi to the, NOW AWAKE, kids and tells me "I need to talk to you..."

Right away I think "Oh crap, what happened? what did Mark do now??"

I jump out of bed, tell the kids to stay in the room and go downstairs to find MIL all upset and she starts saying that "M went out last night and all he said to me was 'I'll be gone for the evening...' and it's now almost 9:30 and he's not home yet, and I'm afraid is laying dead in a gatter somewhere...I don't know what to do."

Of course i freak out. I start heading upstairs to get my phone book and see if i sould call somebody as she continues to say how she's afraid he might be dead somewhere, for all she knows... I snap and tell her "stop it! I don't want to hear that right now... i just burried a friend on Wednesday, i don't wanna have to think that i might have to burry my husband the next week as well... no to mention having to tell my kids that their father is dead, so just stop saying that right now, you don't know what happened!"
Her "Yeah, but he never stay out this late and not say anything"

Me "did you call the police?

Her "No, they won't do anything tilkl the person has been missing at least 24 hours"

Me "but they could tell if there was an accident or something"

Her "true. But I just waited till 9 oclock and came here...I was up since 6 this morning waiting to come over cause idon't know what to do."

I went into my room and his aunt happened to call me before I had a chance to phone the police.

She wanted to know how I was doing. So after telling her what just happened, and how he's been lately and how i didn't know if I should worry or be mad.

she asked why mad, and I told her about the dating site, and how he was going out every weekend and what not.

She told em to check on the website and see if they had a get together in our area, cause maybe he'd gone tothat.

I look and sure enough they went to a comedy club, as he post this question... and i quote him "Hey, looks like I am going to be bringing a guest.....

Is this going to be a problem? What do I do about the second ticket?"

My heart stoped to hear that.... this was hs first night with all his stuff... and he's already going on a date???

He had his cellphone shut off all night and day, cause I had called him the night before to askhim to bring OS precription meds over, since he needed it. And i couldn't get a hold of him... it was the first time the kids were going to spend the night with just me here, and nobody also, not even our furniture...the house was different to them and they wanted to sleep in my room, cause they were upset... and H never even called to ask if they were ok or to say goodnight to them.

He finally called me at about 11 am or so and told me he'd gone to the comedy club. I asked if he brought a date, and spent the night with her, he said that yes, he went with a date, and that he had spent the night with someone...

I thought I wouldn't care, but that hurt something awfull. I never thougth I'd feel so betraded. Like someone just stuck a knife throught my heart.

I DJ a lot, and asked how he could move on so fast as to sleep with someone he had just met and not understand why it bothered me.:'(

Anyway.... there's a lot more to the story, but I'm exausted from dealing with it all day.

He's aunt came over and helped me get a few things orginzed since they left a mess here after taking their stuff out.

One of my bosses called me to say that her husband was comming over with a set of couch and chair that they had for me.

I seem to find caring and kindness in everyone but my Ex who seems to hate me.

I'm so angry right now. The whole idea was to make this as amicable as possible for the kids...but he can't see why him going around screwing someone also days after leaving me, is hurtfull and anything but amicable.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
I don't mean he can't go out... but to tell me he would not move into another relationship right away... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

The kids went over to the appartment the other night and saw him talking to someone they said that looks just like me...
I told him not to expose the kids to his crap, cause i wont have it.

He is not single... HE'S A SINGLE DAD... that's 2 completely different things.

He cannot affort making himself unavailable and unreachable... what if there was an emergency with the kids?? Not to mention, OS's precription...he needs it. I couldn't get a hold of him at all cause he had his phone shut off.

You really blew it, hun. Remember: 70x7 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Unfortunately, this was inevitable.



Over? Move on? I don't understand. You are a long, long ways from moving on. Nothing has changed other than the fact that your WH now lives across the street instead of in the basement. What is your plan?

Pam, I hope you are talking to a counselor through all of this. I understand you wouldn't have alot of time, but you need someone to help you process all of this.
Things happen for a reason, and your friend's recent death reminds you of how important you are in your children's lives.

First thing I'm going to do is change my locks.

No, Newly. I can't afford to see a counselor right now.

I'm fighting a really bad cold right now that I fear is turning into Pneumonia, but I'm not sure.

My goal today is to find myself a Dr. close to where I live, and get checked up. As well as getting my locks changed.

After that I have a lot of cleaning up and organizing to do around here.

I had to keep the kids from school today, since OS has pink eye and both the kids have the same cold I do.

Our area has a local women's crisis center which offers free counseling and can put women in touch with needed services such has help with food, apts., domestic violence etc. I know you live in CN, but the social services might have something similar. I also know that you believe you can't afford the time - but your situation has changed so drastically that you need help to process it all. And they may have someone the boys can talk to also. check it out.
Change the locks.
I can't believe he took the sofa, wouldn't he leave that for the kids?

No, actually he's a married dad.

He actually called this morning and said he could drop me and the kids off at our family Dr. so I could get checked out as well. Considering I don't have a Dr. in the area, and was concerned this was pneumonia, I accepted.

The kids and I got prescriptions for Antibiotics, but it's not pneumonia, and that's a relief for me.
I mentioned to the Dr. about our situation, and how I was wondering if the stress was responsible for any of this.

He said that OS pink eye was probably not caused by it, however, because it has affected his optical nerve system, causing him to blink unvoluntarily, that the blinking itself could be caused by all the stress and sudden change we'regoing through. But he'll be fine.

He talked to both the boys, and asked them how they were feeling. He also asked if i was seeing a couselor, and gave me a few numbers I can call for appointments for me and for the kids, as well as crisis number I can call if I'm having a bad day and I feel the need to talk to someone in the middle of the night.

He is a wonderfull Dr. and has been very helpfull... was very supportive of me joining the weight wathchers, and told me both him and his wife were members, and gave me some good tips and websites to look at for recipies.

Told me it was a good idea to renew my membership at WW, even if it was just to have some extra support around. That it would do me some good to have at least 5 minutes a day to myself and for me not to feel bad for spending money on WW, cause if it helps me be healthier, in the end it is also helping the kids, cause they need me.

I don't know when i'll see him again, or if. He was helping me with the weight loss. I'm supposed to see him at least once a month. But that's ok. I'll figure out how to get there by bus.

H gave me his copies of the keys today. MIL when I said a couple of weeks ago I neede to talk to H about getting the keys backwhen he left, she asked "are you going to let ME keep keys to the house?" I said "why do you need keys to my house?" her "because sometimes I might come over to babysit the kids for you, so I should probably have keys" I said "even if you had to come over, i'd be here with them to let you in"

The conversation died there, and yesterday I wished I had been able to change those locks. So, I'm gonna chenge those locks and she can keep the old keys as souvenir.

As for the thing with the sofa... when his mom moved in with u, we had twice the furniture and only one house, so we rented a bigger place, and in the process our stuff was donated to the Salvation Army, and we kept her stuff... then she started replacing her old things with new ones...but they're still hers.
Now, she offered to leave the one sofa till I got mine. But my sofa and chair was coming in the very next morning, and the movers wouldn't come back for that the next day, so I told her it was ok, I could wait till the morning.

The house is starting to look ok again. We ahve a nice sofa and chair set, I also got a kitchen table and chairs coming in tomorrow.
It's a beautifull day out and the whole house is lit up with the sunlight. I feel ok today. It will take time getting used to being the only adult in charge here, but i'll get there. Life will be good again.

You're right, Ba... he is still married.

But he doesn't see it that way, and won't act like it. And quite frankly, I'm tired.

I refuse to focus anymore on him. I've decided to force myself to stop thinking about anything bad that happened up till yesterday... i want to be able to look forward and focus on my kids future and mine.

Mark can think and do whatever he wants form this point on. I will not allow myself to be influenced or hurt by his actions anymore...it will take time, but i'll figure out a way to stop caring.

His mom called this morning cause her cell showed I tried to call her (about OS pink eye thing), I told her it was ok, I had resolved the issued already.

She went on talking about how things were last night between her and H, since she doesn't think he was happy with her for comming to me about him been gone, etc... said they never spoke a word to each other. i just interropted her and said, maybe it was better this way. She agreed and said she doesn't want to argue with him. i said she doesn't have to worry about it, since he works evenings mon/tues/wed and she'd only see him again Thursday, and that even then, it would be good if she tried not to argue with him, because that's when he gets the kids and i don't want them seeing the two of them argueing and what not. the kids have enought to deal with. She agreed. and I just told her to have a good shift. Indicating i wanted to go. She said ok, take care.
I don't know how to make her understand that I don't need or want to know of their business. I do't even want to answer the phone anymore these days. I might just get an answering machine on my next paycheck.

I feel emotionally, menthally and physically drained. But, like I said, it is a nice day, and that cheers me up some.

Pam,
No Contact!!! That means you need to find your own way to appointments ect. I am not saying this to mean. I have been where you are now and I am just trying to help you. You can't be hurt by someone who you don't talk to. I know all of this sucks. I know you feel as if your whole world has been blown to pieces. You will feel this way for awhile but it will get better.

I'm glad you got different furniture. I can't believe they moved out the furniture so the kids had none. Talk about selfish!!Oh well that is one less thing for you to say was his. Just think it is the first items that are just yours <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I am thinking aobut you and if you need anything please e-mail me
jillie_bean_36@hotmail.com

Pam - Hang in there. Well, I stopped posting several months ago, because he didn't seem to realize that mom needed her own life. I see that has still not happened.

See if you can get into some kind of women's support group. Churches or women's centers usually have them. You need to be with people who care.

"Pam,No Contact!!!" "You can't be hurt by someone who you don't talk to."
You're right.

"...you need to find your own way to appointments ect."
Right again.

[b"]I am not saying this to mean."[/b] "I am just trying to help you." I know. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thankyou. I really appreciate it.

"I know all of this sucks." Yep. Big time.

"you feel as if your whole world has been blown to pieces..." Yep
"... it will get better." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

"I'm glad you got different furniture." me too.
"I can't believe they moved out the furniture so the kids had none."
Well, It was all her stuff anyway, and she did offer toleave a few things for me... but the how would they get it to their place when my stuff came in yesterday? Plus, it's one less reason for his mom to keep comming around if I don't have much of her stuff over here.

Not to mention what you said: "Just think it is the first items that are just yours" It feels nice to have these things that belong to just me and my kids now.

No resentment about the furniture thing, really. I want to get my own stuff... besides, she ended up leaving her washer and dryer here since they're too big for an apartment... so at least I don't have to worry about how to get the laundry to the laundromat and back.

Thank you Jillibean. I gotta sit down and get my thoughts organized... I need to start adapting to what's in front of me now. To how life is going to be from now on.

Thank you Believer,

I'll definetly do some research for that right away. I need to get so much stuff done.

He finally yesterday got me the letter i asked him weeks ago, that I need in order to apply for income assistence. They need a letter from him saying that we are separated and how much he is giving me for child support, so they can cauculate how much to suplement my income with.

His priorities are different, or he'd have that letter done weeks ago, specially when my Landlord had his done, as well as my 2 part time jobs. I should have had his before any of the other ones. But, whatever. I have it now.

Well, goodnight guys. I'm gonna go downstairs and get something also done before going to bed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

About 2 weeks before H and MIL moved out, he took me to at least 9 different stores, so i could find either a set of 4 kitchen chairs or a sofa i could buy. They're mostly in the few hundreds so I couldn't afford. Eventually we came home empty handed. I was very upset and frustrated that I couldn't even afford a sofa from a Thrift Store.

So last week(a few days before they moved out), I got a girlfriend to take me shopping for kitchen chairs again...

Now, because most chair i found I'd have to buy the whole set (including the table) and the only chairs that were sold on their own cost about 50 bucks each, I decided to pick up a small table/4 chairs set for $200 that this store had. But because I didn't have $200 available, I bought it on a rent-to-own basis.

My pyments will be $50 a month for 15 months(it sucks), but i can buy it off within 3 months without any penalty and it will cost me $230 minus whatever i have already paid towards it. And since March is a 3 pay period, i figured i can do that.

Well, I din't have all the paper they needed then in order to fill out all the forms, so they were going to deliver the table today and i was supposed to provide the remaining papers they needed so they could put on my file.

I found a bank statement that I was going to give them as proof of residency, since it's a joint account for H and I (my child tax benefit gets deposited there).

I noteced we hadn't opened that stament yet, and it was fom last month, so as I opened andstarted to read it, i noticed that H had the bank depoist nearly 2 thousand dollars in the account from his RRSP on the 5 of January(he told me on the 4th he'd e leaving me).

Last time he had to take money out of the RRSP was to get YS teeth done, and it took the bank about 2 days to process it, then they called him the day before the money was deposited to let him know it was going to be there the next day.

So, here I'm thinking: he went to the bakn, and requested the money, they call him a couple of days later (the 4th) and let him know the money will be in the next morning... he takes me for a drive at about 11:30pm (the 4th) and tells me he is done trying and wants to move out. i ask him when, he says "as soon as possible...the end of the month."

HE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THIS MONEY. At this point I'm furious.
I call himup and aske what was he thinking...taking money out of there and not even giving me some to help me out.

He says he doesn't have to. i told him that I'm entitled to some of that money. He says that's a matter of opinion.

We had bought a computer for the kids for Christmas and we are supposed to pay 500bucks each towards it( $100/mo each), or H will have to pay high interests if we don't have it payd up in 4 months... so I give him 100 dolars last month and he takes it, when he didn't need it, really. Could have just played "good guy" and told me to keep it cause he knew I really needed it and he'd cover my share for that month... but he took it.
And last week the Dental office called and said that there was a check in both our names there that the insurance sent for YS dental work. I asked H, so, since the check is in both our names, are you going to give me half of that...he say "no." So he kept that too... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

The goverment sent me a check in my name alone last month, to help with the cost of gas( before the phone call fom Dentits office), cause gas price had gotten so high... I said to him "do you want half of this check??? even thoug it's in my name, you're entitled to half of it" he says "no, you keep it" me "are you sure?" he says "yeah..you can use it for the table you wanted to buy" I ended up having to spend it on bills anyways... but nevertheless i at least offered to split it. I guess he figure since he got to keep the 2 thousand, that i could keep the 250.

I said: " how can you take 2 thou. plus your paycheck for the month, wich brings you to over 4 thousand dollars, and not even try to help me out when you're the one wanting to leave???

H: hey, i had to clear the bills before i left so you didn't have to worry about them. plus I needed a new bed, since you're keep the nice queensize bed we have. and my bed cost 400 bucks. the bills were over 350 bucks, and i had first month rent and damage deposit to worry about.

me: it's not my fault you and your mom let your share of the bills get 2 or 3 months behind...i kept my share up to date.

H:yeah, your share is a tenth of the bills!

me: that's because i make a tenth of what each of you made, so it evens out, and if i could keep mine paid up, there's no excuse for the 2 of you not to do the same.

H: whatever.

ME: besides you already have a matress, you didn't have to buy an expensive bed. As for the damage deposit and rent, that's your problem, you decided to leave, I never kicked you out... bottom line is, I'm entitled to some of that money and you never even told me you took it out... how can you be so selfish and uncaring after all these years??

H: well... there is no money, it's all gone, so..."

Me: so you had no right to take that new girlfriend of yours to a comedy club, spend all the money you spent of herm, then take her to some hotel and spend more money on that and room service and whatever the #ell you spent more money on for her...cause that money was supposed to come to me.
You know I was buying a table and chair on re-to-own because I can't even afford that... you had all that monehy when you drove me around lookg for funiture and saw my frusttration for not finding anything i could affor... you could at least had offer to buy me a small sofa and the table/chairs...since you could do it... how could you just sit there and not say nothing???
I'm the mother of your kids... I shouldn't have to put the 200 bucks you give me towards rent...that should be for the things the kids need. You give me 3 weeks notice that you are leaving me, and yet you had it all planned out...you knew way ahead of time you could do it. What else are you hidding from me?

H: nothing. It's your faulr, really... I told you to look for a smaller cheaper place... but you chose to stay here and said you could make it.

ME: What I told you was that I wanted to keep things as close tonormal for the kids as possible, and that having tomove, possibly to a place where the kids might have to change schools was not an option... they had enough change to deal with, and I'd stay here for at least a couple of months, even though I new it would be expensive, and give the kids a chance to get used to you been gone, before i make them get used to a new home, and new friends and say goodbey to the old ones, etc.

At this point he rolls his eyes at me and say "yeah, whatever..."

Said he wasn't going to argue anymore, and that, if I want to change any of this, that I can take the "for the sake of the children" corse and we can get a mediator, cause he's gonna give me the 200 bi-weekly like "we" agreed on. I was never happy with that amount...i left it alone cause hbe said since he gets the kids almost halt the time, that this is all the law requires him to pay me.

I told him that it really hurts me, when he knows how I grew up in a 3rd world Country and had to go without so many times, that he'd do this, specially when h knew I was stuggling to replace the things we had, and meanwhile he had that money and was able to just wacth my stryglle and do nothing... not care at all... I cannot believe he was that cold.

he said it's my fault.

I told him he left me with basicly nothing.. he said that was not true. That they offered toleave me the stuff and I refused... I reminded him that all thestuff belonged to his mom, and she offered to leave some of it( not all) and it was only for a month, since she was going to need it when she moved out of his place, and then I'd be in the same boat.

He said he left me the washer and dryer... and said: "my mom is still making payments for the washer and dryer that we're leaving for you!

I said " you mean YOUR MOM is leaving me the washer and dryer...like you said, SHE is the one making the payments, not you. you left me nothing.

This conversation strated on the phone. And ended later when he dropped the kids off and came in to pick up the cds he had left in the basement.

He came upstairs later on and asked wich furniture did I still need. I told him. I was a bit more calm down. the kids were playin up in the bedroom. YS came downstairs just before H was going to leave. H said goodbye to him, me and shouted goodbye to OS who was still playing upstairs and left.

I'm afraid to go to bed today, because it seems that every time I wake up there's something new and bad happening around me.

I know there should be no contact at all, but it's dificult when I discover something like that... I can't just pretend I still don't know nothing about it.

When does it start to get better? Cause I have a feeling he is hiding a whole lot more from me, and I'm afraid to find out what it is. All that ACTING around me, and here... to go as far as asking Starfish to help us???? I can't get past the anger...

----------------------

I now despise your STBX, and I am so sorry that he has turned out to be such a lame-a$$.

I'm praying for you and the children, Pam.

Well Slap your true colors are showing now, all this talk about wanting to make it work for so long just bullSh*t huh? I guess your proud proud of your actions and your turned out just all the rest of us WS's trying to fool everyone, didn't know that you had it in you, not only are you punishing Pam, but to do it way where it affects your kids is down right disgusting. I'm ashamed to even think that I was someone who felt sarry for your sitch, you had us all fooled. I'm so sorry that this is the out come of your marriage but since he is flying the colors of the angry ws stbxh, don't expect anything from him Pam, he will not admit it but his has abandon (sp?) his kids for free sex from loose women hope you like your empty life style Slap.

That's up to you. Are you going to continue to vent about how he terrible he is treating you or are you going to create a plan to take control of your life and it's direction.

Without an attorney, WH will bleed you dry. Don't say that you can't afford one. You can't afford NOT to have one. Stop spending money on tables and chairs and computers, etc. Get your priorities straight. You have children to house and feed.


Your opinion means squat to WH. He is in the drivers seat and he is going to take you for a ride unless you aggressively take charge of your life.

Pam, I hope you are not still under the illusion that he's going to pay child support or give a crap about the living conditions of his children. He's an adolescent in a grown man's body.

Please check your email in about 20 minutes - I'm sending you some information for legal resources in Canada. You are definitely going to need them!!!

I hope that everyone can remember that there are 2 sides to every story. Including this one. Not everything that STBX has told you is true. Some of it may be true from a certain perspective, and other important details have been conveniently either left out, or glossed over. There is also a lot of huge speculation on her part.

I'm frankly a little disappointed to see her participation in MB jump so dramatically now that there is no more marriage to build. 3,4,5 years ago when some hope was there to be had, she was awfully quiet. Now that things have gotten really bad, she's here to let you all know what a horrible person I am. That's her perogative, I suppose.

The conditions of our separation were discussed many times over the past couple years because it was never very far away. She says now that she wasn't happy with them. But this is the first that I've heard about that.

Where we live, there is a great family mediation system. All that is required is for both parents to take a no-cost 2 evening introduction to the system. I took day 1 in the summer of last year and then didn't go back when we started talking to Star*fish. If she has concerns that she is getting less from me than she feels entitled to, then we can negotiate that out.

I just hope that you folks, well-meaning as you may be, don't push her into a divorce fight that she never wanted. Mediation is a reasonable alternative where we can negotiate with a professional, without things having to get expensive and ugly.

Well the first payment that she's already received wasn't an illusion.

The way the taxation system works here, and with the various income sources she'll have now that I'm gone, she will only have to work enough to earn 526 a month to surpass my take home pay.

With the way our debts are divided, equal money means that she comes out way ahead.

Make sure you have your facts straight before passing judgement.

Pam,

I don't know about there but around here CS is based on a percentage of your income and the number of children involved. There may also be spousal support required to be payed out for a period of time when once spouse makes considerably less than the other.

To agree to anything less would be foolish IMO, no disrespect intended. Slap may have you convinced that he is offering you a good deal when he may well be taking complete advantage of your ignorance and lack of control over the situation.

Don't let threats or warnings of expensive and ugly court proceedings stop you from taking control of your life. You cannot put a price on yours and your childrens lives. They are priceless.

As it stands now, you are only going to get from WH what he feels, in his opinion, is fair and he has made it clear that your opinion doesn't matter.

Yes, it does. The chart would say that I should pay 475 a month which works out to 5700 per year. Currently, I am paying 5200 per year. The charts also allow that the amount s don't automatically apply when the payer has the children in excess of 40% of the time, which I do.

In other words, although I am paying less than the chart says, I am probably paying more than a court would make me pay.


Like I said, when all is taken into consideration, she brings about as much as I do. When her hours improve at work, she will make more.


Well, to spend money on lawyers would be foolish before exploring the option of the cost-free mediation services.


I'm perfectly willing to go to a mediator and have him or her decide if our arrangement is fair or not.

I have an issue with letting the courts mandate things such as custody and support issues. I would rather that we retain control over our kids' situations.

A court may say that they are with her full time or with me full time. Neither of us wants that. We can agree on most things. It's only the issue of money that has been a problem recently.

Pam could win a lottery or earn a million dollars a year and you would still be required to pay CS. The amount of money she earns or takes in does not relieve you of CS unless you have 50/50 shared custody and parental responsibilities.

She may also be entitled to other benefits of the marriage. Personal property, savings, pensions, etc. What about health and life insurance? What about day care? What about uninsured expenses such as braces for the kids? Who gets the car? How much is it worth?

Pam, don't let WH take you down this path. It's HIS path. Carve your own path.

Edited to add: Pam, some of the income sources you may be entitled to are due to the situation that you are now in. This 'additional' income or financial assistance in no way reduces the amount of support WH is required to pay. For instance, if you receive government assistance to help pay for rent or heat. It sounds like WH is trying to get you to believe that that type of income should reduce what he pays you. Don't fall for it.

Which we do. Or at least as close as is practical. I think the breakdown works out to 55/45 in her favor. Of course, that doesn't count times that I will be taking the kids to their activities on days that are "hers"

There isn't much


nope


My new pension plan started the week we broke up.


As of right now, she is still covered under my plan


We don't presently use it, but if the need arose we would work it out equitably


again, we'd have to cross that bridge when we came to it. My insurance would cover braces, but any uninsurable costs would have to be shared.


I have it. I owe more for it than it is worth, no equity there at all.


No, what should reduce the CS is the fact that we have them about 50/50.

The point that I am making by showing how our incomes will be roughly equal is to demonstrate that it's not as STBX would portray, that I am rolling in money, while she is starving.

Practical to whom?



Convenient, huh! You timed that just right. What about the RRSR Pam was discussing in her thread earlier?

What appears to be equitable to one (appears) to be with the consideration of how much government help mom can get. Ummmm.... Consider this, the Canadian Government didn't take her to Canada, or Marry her, or Get her pregnant. Ummmm... How then did they become responsible to support her? It seems the question of support might be of more importance if everyone stopped expecting a hand out from the government.

What is portrayed and by whom has always been determined by who's doing the portraying... ba has some good suggestions. Pam needs to make her own plan and stop relying on what has already proven to be unreliable.

Both of us.


I had nothing to do with the timing of when they started the pension.


Well, I'm not talking about social assistance here. I'm talking about money that all parents receive. Money that we were already getting. It will be recalculated now because of the different situation.


We agreed to an amount of money and to having the kids on certain days. It is early yet, but I have lived up to that agreement 100%

That's not unreliable.

I think you've mistaken compliance to agreement, Slap. Just because she agreed to your 'rules' does NOT mean
. It means that her option wasn't up for negotiation. I doubt seriously your divying up time/money was in any way a balance for her desire to make the marriage work.

But... It really isn't my concern.

Despite what people think, the desire to make the marriage work was always mine.

Nothing I ever asked from her was ever done. It was always "too hard". Driver's License, High School, Citizenship and getting her weight under control. All too hard. After 12 years, I give up.

The only option she was offering was the status quo. I just couldn't deal with that anymore.

I think your actions after giving up is telling Slaps, yes Pam didn't do all those things that she should have done, some to make her life in another country easier, but and it's a big but the way you left and your actions as of now speaks loudly to all. Sorry not taking sides because the driving and the school thing Pam should have done for the kids, and you, but to leave the house with barely furnishing is shameful, Slaps you know this

I only took 2 pieces of furniture, my dresser, and a kitchen table and chairs. Everything else belonged to my Mom. She offered some of it to STBX, but she refused. The table and chairs I didn't want because they are too big for the apartment. I asked her to keep them and use them temporarily while she saved up rather than going into debt to buy a new one.

Instead they sit in storage and STBX is spending money that she doesn't have.

She wouldn't have it.

What I am sorry for is sleeping with my date last weekend. It was not a mature thing to do and I regret doing it.

It's no excuse, but I think I overreacted to lonliness. Not just from the past few days, but from the last several years that I have felt completely alone despite living with W.

So I admit that I haven't handled everything very well since I left. However, I'm not the villian that I am portrayed to be, either.

You do have the power to do right from this moment on Slaps, and no that does not mean going back but just please put your kids first, before any stranger and I mean that for the both you and Pam.

Your kids did not ask to be born into a disfuctional (SP?) marriage, and to learn lessons on how not to fix relatioships, and no that is not dig, but the reasons why we are all on this site, we learn what we see from our parents, let them see how you both can co-parent them, please both take the high road when dealing with each other.

I wouldn't put strangers ahead of my kids. I haven't yet, and I wouldn't.


We sheltered our kids from our disagreements which may or may not have been a disservice to them because they were caught off guard when they learned that we were splitting up.

My kids are absolutely a huge priority to me, despite what anyone thinks or says.

I am absolutely interested in taking the high road when it comes to the boys. To her credit, as angry as she is with me right now, I do not believe that she has been running me down to the boys. I wouldn't do that to her either.

We've also been cooperating when it comes to scheduling. Last Friday (my day) I didn't realize that they had no school. I had work, so she took them for the day. Yesterday (her day), they were sick and had to stay home, but she had things to do. I took them for the day, bought them medicine, and had them hang out with me so she was free to do her stuff.

It's not all as bad as some think. Not everything is going poorly.

That's it? What about joining a dating site to begin with. What about even going on a date with someone other than your W? Did you happen to tell your date mates that you are married with children?

Do you have any intention of righting these wrongs or are you going to continue to play bachelorwannabe? If you want to date, get a divorce.

It was one person, and I told her that I am separated, but still married, yes.


Well, now you're getting into the ethics of whether it's ok to date while separated. I would have no issue if STBX dates now.

There is a 1 yr wait before you can start divorce proceedings. And while the criticism for dating so soon may seem valid, I would not want to wait a whole year+ before I could feel free to date.

So the quick answer to your question is yes, I still intend to date.

Well, now you're getting into the ethics of whether it's ok to date while separated. I would have no issue if STBX dates now.

There is a 1 yr wait before you can start divorce proceedings. And while the criticism for dating so soon may seem valid, I would not want to wait a whole year+ before I could feel free to date.

So the quick answer to your question is yes, I still intend to date


Sorry Slap but you should take that yr to work on yourself so the next relationship you enter into will be healthy, your reactions and interactions with Pam was not, and to go into another with out that work is just going to set you or your potential partner for a whirl of hurt.

Plus you might say yeah she can date now, but yo might not like it when it comes to pass.


Plus I don't get it why you want out of a marriage so bad but, want to go dating, really doesn't make sense to me.

Look my relationship right now is so toxic, that when I'm able to get on my feet and leave, it will be a long time before I even look at another man..... I need to find out who I'm coming out of a dysfunctional relationship, how to interact with the oppossite sex, it's almost like coming out of a coma and having to relearn everything over again, you are going to have the same neg. reactions with your new partner that you have with Pam.

You should wait for you will have the same probs with different partner.

Then all the more reason for Pam to get herself an attorney. Is it safe to assume that you are not sterile? The last thing you and Pam need thrown into the mix is an OC.

Slap - you aren't presenting BOTH sides either. I would expect that Pam's version is skewed to her POV - but you try to represent your version as the only true version. We're not that stupid

Furthermore, you represent that you've been working on your marriage - the only one working on your marriage. As I see it, you've presented a case of selfish demands and love busters to your wife from YOUR POV. You constantly recite her failings as a wife...

Just forget it. I don't think any sensible person would believe a man who had kept his secret email away from his wife for the duration of his marriage to her really dealt with her openly or honestly or gave the marriage a fighting chance - ESPECIALLY when he broke his word on getting rid of his mother from the family dwelling many many times - as many times as Pam promised to lose weight...

Pam will probably find it easy to drop at least 50 pounds once you stop controlling her and allowing your mother free access to Pam's home!!!

Whew! You really tick me off with your illusions of Marriage Builder Granduer!

Yes, I agree that there is some validity to what you are saying. I should qualify that I may date or I may not date. I'm not opposed to dating, but I'm rethinking seeking out someone to date for precisely that reason.

Slap, What did you offer her? Did you ever ask her how you were doing as a husband?
Cherished

Once upon a time, I offered a lot and we did have talks about how I was doing as a husband.

I don't see much point in doing an autopsy on what went wrong. Anyone who's been here long enough already has their own opinion on that subject.

SN-

Cherished was being sincere in her question. I'm sure she is trying to get a husband's perspective, beings she is going thru a very painful experience, and searching for answers from ALL angles. So...please...be nice! Not everyone here is attempting to attack you.

Sorry, didn't mean to sound defensive.

This is probably not the thread to be talking about what I tried and didn't try in terms of working on my marriage though.

Ok. Well maybe the EN board would be a better place in terms of expressing this. Just a thought, not a snap. Hope all works out for the two of you. Take care...

Jennifer

Slap,

You complained about her excessively despite your numerous shortcomings (YOUR weight, your underemployment, your hiding in the basement).

You started dating while throughly married.

You took and hid $2000 of family money (why not give her $1000 to start her new life, too? not happening, eh?).

You left right when she lost some weight and got a job (course you had already started dating).

You did not protect her from the knowledge that you were getting laid.

You didnt take all her furniture, 'mom' did. Very nice, same effect. Jeeeze.

Did you really have to kick her on the way out the front door? You could have told your mother anything regarding staying out all night to keep her from worrying and informing Pam. You didnt.

Your wife is in the middle of getting dumped. Your actions seem especially cruel.

Cruel.

Way to go. Forget the marriage, you cant even get the break up right. What DID you learn here? Unbelievable.

"Slap, You complained about her excessively despite your numerous shortcomings (YOUR weight, your underemployment, your hiding in the basement).

You started dating while throughly married.

You took and hid $2000 of family money (why not give her $1000 to start her new life, too? not happening, eh?).

You left right when she lost some weight and got a job (course you had already started dating).

You did not protect her from the knowledge that you were getting laid.

You didnt take all her furniture, 'mom' did. Very nice, same effect. Jeeeze.

Did you really have to kick her on the way out the front door? You could have told your mother anything regarding staying out all night to keep her from worrying and informing Pam. You didnt.

Your wife is in the middle of getting dumped. Your actions seem especially cruel.

Cruel.

Way to go. Forget the marriage, you cant even get the break up right. What DID you learn here? Unbelievable. "

Drucilla, Thankyou <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

*sigh*

I can't ethically comment on anything except what's on this thread, but I wanted you both to know that I am finally reconnected, online and you are still free to call. Email me and I'll send you my new number.

I still stand by my assessment that Slap was/is a very abusive emotionally husband to Pam. He will not even let Pam have a message on this board without taking control of it.

Pam maybe you should have had both him and his mom move further away than across the street. Try and ignore them and rebuild your life.

When it comes down to the nitty gritty, the mole dissappears. I was waiting for the money money reply but I see it's not going to happen, PAMtrueBLUE1 take care of your self and take care of your babies, because I think it's going to be this way for a while.

Pam Blue wrote:

"M went out last night and all he said to me was 'I'll be gone for the evening...' and it's now almost 9:30 and he's not home yet, and I'm afraid is laying dead in a gatter somewhere...I don't know what to do."

[color:"red"]So Slappy, where were you? [/color]

I agree with Drucilla. What did you learn here, Slappy???

Was all your years of written fodder on ENs a means to an end. The end being sleeping with other women while still married hoping you will be absolved because you "tried".

What happened to "end one relationship before you begin another"? What are you modeling for your children? Moreover, you fully know the BS pain you may be causing Pam by virtue of being an MB member. Does that even matter to you?

Jo

Yes, I spent 5 years here and wrote over six thousand posts just so I could sleep with a date shortly after moving out. It was all my master plan. I had it all figured out in 2001. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

You just keep deflecting and avoiding answering questions, Slappy.

What did you learn here after 4+ years? And how are you applying it in your current situation?

Is having an affair while MARRIED what you learned from Harley's principals?

Jo

Just the stupid ones.


I think I learned quite a bit, actually.


Well, as I said before I see a big difference between what I did and having an "affair". We are separated. We no longer live together.

Harley's principles are quite right. In our case, the unmet needs and lovebusters on both of our parts led to withdrawl and eventually separation.

I know everyone here thinks that I verbally abused her about her weight and made selfish demands about that and the few other things i wanted from her. This is simply not the case. If you ask the few MB people who have gotten to know me away from this site, I am not the monster that I am often portrayed as.

You can say what you want from a thousand miles away about how well you think I tried at this, but in my opinion, I tried much more at this than most of you think.

When we were in coaching, W would pay lip service to the coach and then ridicule what she was supposed to be doing to my face. This was the last straw to me.

Then it just got to the point that I lost all interest in participating.

I didn't go to coaching with the intent of bailing out. Robin was volunteering her time, and frankly, I respect her too much to waste that time. She had precious little of it to go around.

So feel free to judge away, I don't really care what any of you think. I know what I put into my marriage.

Slap wrote:

"Well, as I said before I see a big difference between what I did and having an "affair". We are separated. We no longer live together."

I see, so its NOT an affair even though you are STILL MARRIED. Interesting statement, but not surprising coming from someone involved in an affair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Jo

Incredible. Self-validation is an amazing thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Ohhhhh yeah. Slap's un-affair is so different than the hundreds (if not thousands) of WS's who have posted over on GQII.

You can only guess he has read there and has seen the carniage and the characteristics/excuses & justifications one uses when in an affair. Yet ... he wrote that anyway and expects we would consume it. Amazing.

Jo

"I don't think any sensible person would believe a man who had kept his [color:"red"]secret email [/color] away from his wife [color:"blue"]for the duration of his marriage [/color] to her really dealt with her openly or honestly or gave the marriage a fighting chance"

You know, the above should have been a BIG RED flag. Why in the world would a spouse need SECRET EMAIL throughout the marriage??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
Jo

Pam - rather than permit your husband any further allowance on YOUR thread, I no longer want to address your husband's selfish and adolescent behavior.

However, I am worried about you - He has a habit of shutting you up - even now that he no longer lives there. I hope you are doing better this week. Please touch base with us, if not here, on the other board, where it's a bit safer from dominance and justification.

" Pam - rather than permit your husband any further allowance on YOUR thread, I no longer want to address your husband's selfish and adolescent behavior.

However, I am worried about you - He has a habit of shutting you up - even now that he no longer lives there. I hope you are doing better this week. Please touch base with us, if not here, on the other board, where it's a bit safer from dominance and justification. "

Hey KaylaAndy. Thank you.

This is been really hard on the kids, specially this weekend, cause they're supposed tobe with dad Thursday through Sunday. I'd pick them up monday after school.
However, wednesday night, 7yo cried in bed saying he didn't want to spend 4 days straight at the appartment. I want to stay here with you.

I told him htat the apartament was his house too,and that they could find fun things to do with dad. He just cried, then he asked me "why did this have to happen?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

me "mom and dad have problems that they could not fix"
YS "why not?"

Me "sometimes it's too hard and you can't fix it"

YS "like what?"

ME "sometimes couples fall out of love, hun."

YS "you mean you don't love dad anymore?"

ME "not necessarily..."

YS "you mean dad doesn't love you??"

ME "something like that..."

he bursts out in tears. i told him it's ok. that everything is going to be fine... that people can't always help the way they feel, but that no matter what, mom and dad would always love him...that it's impossible to fall out of love with your kids. That he must know and feel our love for him and his brother, whenever we hug them or play with them...in our tone of voice, or when we just tell them we love them...

He said he knew we love them both and always will... and kept on crying as he hugged me and wouldn't let go. I cried a bit with him, then I told him thing will really be ok again.
I ended up having to get him on the phone with dad, so dad could reasure him, as well, since he was so upset.

Thursday night, WS called so I could talk to the boys...they were both very upset. YS hiccuped from crying so much... I told him to take a deep breath, and calm down, cause I could not understand a word he said. Finally between hiccups he tells me he wants to come home...he doesn't want to be there and he misses me. i try and calm him down. then i talk to OS who's also in tears and wants to come home.

Last time they slept there, was before MIL moved her stuff in, so the kids got tosleep in their own bedroom...but till the end of the moth, MIL is gonna be in their bedroom, and they have to bunk with dad...and so they're feeling overwelmed.

the kids also said they missed been tucked in by me, and they missed their beds... so YS asked me to come over and tuck him in... I really didn't want to go into the appartament...i had no desire to see what it looked like inside... but the things you'll do for your kids...

I went over there, they still upset. I told WS I was taking them home.... they needed to sleep in their bed... the room was too crowded, and they're obviosly overwelmed with everything... and that we needed to talk about this arrangment and change it.

They spent the night here, and WS picked them up in the morning to take them to school.

After school they're supposed to spend the day with dad and we're gonna go for supper together, to discuss a new arrangment.
Well, at 2:30 his aunt calls me to tell me his uncle had passed away. I got a hod of H and told him, so he could let his mom know (it was her brother that had passed away). I offered to stay home from work, and watch the kids, since H was gonna have to take his mom to see his aunt, and the uncle's body was still at his place, and i didn't want the kids to see that. H said he didn't want to put me out... but I stayed with the kids anyways... I could not have focused on work when this was going on.

We had an early supper where we told the kids that for the time beeng, the're going to spend thursday and friday with dad, still...but at bed time, they come to the house...at least till the end of this moth, to get them used to been at the app. and that after that, grandma will have moved out, so they can have their room back at the apptm. and it would feel a bit more like home if they had their own room, etc.
Weekends with dad, will be the same, till the end of the month...

After that, we'll see how they're adjusting to it, and they'll eventually spend the evenings there.

I hate this whole thing... I hate making my kids having to adjust to something they don't want. Weather H likes it or not, the kids do not like the idea of having two homes, and having to sleep away from here... and althou this is the way things will be from now on...i making things worse for them. but Idon't know how to make it easier on them...I wish I knew, and if anyone has any sggestions, tell me, cause I hate putting them through this.

when i brought them home Thursday night, OS cried all the way home... then ran to his bed, and when i ched on him, he was still crying 20 minutes later...and kept asking me "whydid this have to happen...i didn't ask for this...i don't like it. I does it have tobe this way?"

I just, again, hugged him and cried with him, and told him, I was sorry we could not make it work, and i was sorry they were having such a hard time, and that I wish I could make it better... but i can't. I can just promise them that it will get better.

I told him i didn't like it either, and that it was hard on all of us, and thatI had my share of tears too, so for him no to think for on momment that this wasnot bothering me... that I felt his pain and i'm sorry I can't take it away.
He just cried and cried... wouldn't sleep till after midnight. This is really hard. I cna't dal with my emotions, cause there's too much going on.

My aunt died December 22, 2005... Jan 04 H informs me he's leavng me. Jan 25th my friend gets hit at a crosswalk and dies the next day. Jan 31 H moves out, Feb 01 was my friends funeral, on Feb. 04 they moved their stuff out of the house, and i'm spending my first day alone with the kids( never even had my own room till I was 19...never mind a whole house). Feb 05 MIL scares me to death cause h spent the night out ...turns out he was just getting laid... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />
Feb 08 i find the bank statment and find out about the 2thous... Feb 10(yesterday) H's uncle dies... What next?? is there anything good for 2006??? Does anyone have a remote control that can forward through time???<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" /> I'm so freaking tired of everything... I cannot stand this anymore...

Now, to top it off, i told H yesterday to bring the kids over a bit later today, since it was saturday, and he should do something with them, and only bring them at bedtime... he comes over at 9, and drops them off... I got mad at him, cause I knew he was droping them off so he could go out again...he said if i didn't want them yet, he'd take them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I told him it wasn't a matter of wanting the kids, it was the fact that he was droping them off to go to his get together witht eh people from that dating site, and was taking his freaking date again...i'm not stupid, i know him too well not to know what hi's up to.

He rools his eyes. I would have insisted he takes the kids out... but the kids were excited to be home, so i had to leave it alone. I love my kids. I just don't want to be taken advantaged of either... So here I am, 1:20am, typing away on my computer, while my lucky WS is out spending money he told me he deosn't have, on a fun night with a date and a bunch of strangers from a dating site...
I have no choice but to kick myself for it... I'm an idiot.

Goodnight all.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Pam,


Be careful not to use the kids as pawns.

Attempting to 'force' the kids on each other is using them.

Also, avoid phrases like: 'want the kids'

They need to feel wanted more now then ever...by BOTH of their parents.

Slap,

Moving to a club house across the street does not make you 'separated' any more than sleeping in the basement did.

I know ba, thats why I had them stay with me... they never heard the conversation. They're upstairs by that time. Of course they're wanted and loved. I'd rather have them here any time...just didn't like WS droping them off earlier cause he wanted to go have fun... it was his night with them after all. there must be a better way to handle this.

Well, back to taking care of the kids. YS kept me up all night( some kind of stomach flu.)

Pam,
Just keep your head up. It will get better I promise it will. Look for a lawyer asap. You need to be protected now. They can help you work out a fair child support settlement plus maybe get you your share of that 2000.00 dollars back. You also need a more structured child visitation agreement.

Just words from the unwise <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jill

Pam, I recommend that you find some counseling for the boys. They need to know they are not the only children facing this. They need a safe, neutral person to talk to. And I recommend some counseling for you - after all you have not only your own changes and fears and stresses to deal with - but you also have the boys' issues to handle.

Pam, did you get my e-mail?

Hello Pam Blue,

Just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. Please find a lawyer to help you with this horrible situation as soon as you can. Perhaps you can apply for legal aid assistance. I'm Canadian and I'm familiar with our federal support programs. I'm sure you know this, but the "family allowance" you get (the cheque in your name only) does NOT need to be shared with Slap. It's for your children and to be used with your discretion. I read where you offered to give him half of it. Please, he IS NOT entitled to it.

Until you get back on your feet, maybe you can apply for social assistance? And the other posters are correct, his CS cannot be lowered just because you have other income coming in.

Also, he got a pention plan while he is still legally married to you. Doesn't that make it community property?

You are right on not wanting to move your children to a new school to get more affordable housing. They have had enough change. Don't allow him to pressure you into this. It's not fair to them.

Too bad you didn't live in AB where they have mailed out $400 cheques to every adult in the province!

Slap, just in case you see this. From one Canuck to another, I want to kick you a** for spending the night with another woman so soon after this breakup with your wife. You are still MARRIED. Gross. . . .

I've said enough.

RG

Hi guys

I try and keep my head up, but somedays is very hard.
H's uncle's funeral is today... and his dad called on Sunday to say that his aunt passed away( her funeral is on Saturday) and that H's grandma is in the Hospital again, and it looks bad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Just feels like we're sorrounded by all these bad things happening all at once. Sodays it's just too much. I didn't know his aunt very well, but I remember she came to our wedding. His grandma, in the other hand, i love her...she's a sweetheart, and I'd hate to see her go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> We're supposed to go over there in June for a family reunion and celebrate her 80th b-day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

As for the 2000, it's all gone. The same day the money was there, he took out 500(and deposited on his personal checkings account, I'm sure) and wrote himself another check for 500, and put into his personal checkings again... the rest of it, he just spent on whatever he needed to get prepared for the move.

I'm too exausted right now (physically/ mentally/ spiritually). I still have days when it seems like its all just a stupid dream. But whatever... one day at a time. I have no choice but to live it one stupid-little-slow day at a time. I'll get there.

Also, I keep in touch with the school counselor for the kids. She knows how upset they were last week about spending 4 days at the appartament, and whatnot. She has kept in touch with the kids, and has been helpfull. The kids have no problem talking to her.
I haven't found somebody for myself yet... too much going on, but I will.
I wont be going ot the funeral today. I don't feel like I belong there and will not be confortable been sorrounded by his family right now. I'd feel like everyone'd be staring at me and feeling sorry for me or whatever, and i don't want that. I'll be home babysitting H's little cousing who asked if he can come over and play with my boys cause he doesn't want to go to the funeral. The kids are excited to spend the afternoon with their little cousin, cause they don't see him much.

it's nice and sunny out, even thou its cold (-29 but really -39 with the wind chill). That's ok, the sunlight helps and it cheers me up a little bit. I'm gonna go downstair get some things done, and enjoy the day with my kids since the next coule of days they're with dad and will only come home to sleep on their beds.

Kayla, you've got e-mail.

Hi RG. Thank you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't know the first thing about legal aid. Or what the first step should be or who to call first. Plus I'm afraid that getting lawyers involved will only make things worse for the kids. I'll look it up online and see what informations I can get. I also want to look into "for the sake of the children" and see if that'd be a better choice, to get a mediator.
As for the family allowence, i get that. I don't share it... part of it is going to help me with rent as well. H hasn't asked or wnat a share of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> what I had offered him before was part of a one-time-only checke that the government had sent to all families receiving child tax benefit, to help them with the cost of gas for last year cause the gas prices ha gone so high and they were trying to buy people's support for the elections that was comming up. That was an dfferent check that I got, on top of child tax check... that's why i offered.

I'm hoping to aplly for something called CRISP and SAFER, wich works almost the same way as income assitence, only they don't give you as much money, but the good side is that I get to keep every cent i make at work. there's no deduction and whatnot... wich there would be if i went o assistence, cause they'd deduct every cent from what H gives me, plus from my income, allowing me only to keep the first 100 dolars and 25% of every 100 bucks after that.

I'm still waiting for a letter from one of my employers to arrive in the mail before i canapply for anythig right now. They need all the income info.

I cannot apply for income assitance if i'm on CRISP AND SAFER, and vice-versa.

"Also, he got a pention plan while he is still legally married to you. Doesn't that make it community property?"

I don't know how that works. I can ask around and see...but since the money is gone, there's nothing more i can do.

"You are right on not wanting to move your children to a new school to get more affordable housing. They have had enough change. "

Thankyou. I plan on staying where I am, for a while if i can. The kids are taking this pretty hard. Enough changes for now.

"Don't allow him to pressure you into this. It's not fair to them. "

I'm sure he still thinks i should, vause it'd be a lot easier income wise, but he hasn't said anything also about it. Mind you, though, I'm not letting anyone talk me out of what my instincts tell me. and right now They tell me that staying put is the best for the kids... if that feeling changes eventually, then i'll deal with it. Right now, this is home for the kids, as well as myself.

"Too bad you didn't live in AB where they have mailed out $400 cheques to every adult in the province! "
yeah, here it was 250. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> well, still better than a kick in the face. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

" Slap, just in case you see this. I want to kick you a** for spending the night with another woman so soon after this breakup with your wife."

You and me both. that's ok... what goes around comes around... he'll get his.

No, the child tax benefit is hers alone. The money that she offered to split that I declined was that one time energy rebate cheque that came from the feds in January.


Who's pressuring her?


I've lived in Alberta before, the 400 wouldn't have been worth it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


I think I already admitted that i shouldn't have done that. If I had that day to live over again, I'd do it differently.

Are you going to start living today differently by not being in those situations?

"I think I already admitted that i shouldn't have done that. "
Thank you, I feel better now... all the pain is gone.

" If I had that day to live over again... "
But you don't... all it's left now is for you to deal with the consequences... and you will. Like i said, what goes around, comes around... I don't care if it takes a month, a year, 2, 3, 4, 10 years... I don't care...you'll get yours.

" ... I'd do it differently." Sure you would. You say that now cause you claim toregret it...but had you had the same opportunity... you'd have done the same thing. Think about it.

Anyways, whatever... Forget it. I don't wanna think about any of this crap today. I wanna be in a good mood.

So I'm gonna go now and listen to music and dance around the house, and have a fun day with my kids. I'ts my only day off this week (thank God...i need to keep my mind busy). So I'm going to enjoy it to the fullest, if I can help it.

Sounds like he's got $1000 somewhere. It's amazing how they can justify steeling $ from the family. Just amazing. I never get over this, he's got his mom's furniture and all the cash? What kind of math is that?

Hang in there. Looks like a rough year ahead of you, but it'll pass, too. Be smart, get the $ nailed down as soon you can. Even if you cant get your share of that $2000, you can get it assessed towards you in the divorce. It was family money, subject to division in the divorce settlement just as any other asset. I'm guessing this was some sort of 401k/workers fund? Be sure your lawyer has this secured so that it's not wiped out by the time the D comes around.

Hang in there - Dru

This may well be what WH is counting on. WH is going to divorce you. He has made that very clear. The 12 month clock is ticking. Do not sit back and do nothing while life is dealt to you by WH.

A very large portion of that money WAS spent on family things, save $400 that I used to purchase a bed for myself.

I don't see that as particularly unfair, since she wanted to keep our bed which cost about 5 times as much.

Pam,
Getting legal help will not hurt the kids it will help in the long run. You need everything to be as fair as it possibly can. Not only for the kids but you too.

Jill

"I don't see that as particularly unfair, since she wanted to keep our bed which cost about 5 times as much."

The bed is as big as your whole bedroom at the appartment. You'd have to remove your bedroom door in order to get in and out of there if you had the bed... besides, I had to put my foot down and keep something. I told you, if you wanted to leave , it was your choice, I was keeping the bed... you chose to leave... you made your decision now live with it, after all, the rest of us have to.

I'm pretty sure your mom paid for the bed too.

I told you I was entitled to some of that money...if you paid some of the bills , fine, they were your bills to pay and catch up before you left. But the fact that you hid that money tells me there's more to the story... you did not have 1500 bucks worth of bills in this house for you to catch up... give me a brake.

Face it... you're full of it. Blame me all you want... you're not inocente, not for a long shot.
Like you said, there are 2 sides to every story told... well, my side says that anything also you say are just excuses to try and convince yourself as well as anyone also that you've done nothign wrong and it's all my fault. Bulls#it.

whatever... we can talk about it later and set up an appointment to see a mediator. I will look into that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

"A very large portion of that money WAS spent on family things, save $400 that I used to purchase a bed for myself."

hm... brand new double bed... $400.00,

first month's rent $540.00,

damage deposit $270.00,

Rumers Comedy Club with a new date after 13 years $30 to $40.00

plus the cost of food and drinks ($80.00? $140.00??),

Hotel room so you could get laid on the first date with the first date you cheated on your wife with after 13 years $100.00 to $150.00,

Room service or ordering pizza after having passionate sex with the slut you just met and had first date with $40.00 to $100.00...

having delibarately no told your mom you're gonna be gone all night so she'd show up at your BS's BEDROOm door without calling first, at 9 am to get her worried and think you're dead somewhere, only to find out you're just getting lucky, and this way give your final blow to her heart, cause she's so f**ing dificult to live with, does not look like a supermodel, does not have her citizenship (and God forbid you remain married to someonoe who can do anything on a permanent resident visa, but vote or go to the States for holidays wich we could just plan ahead and get her a visitors pass fot the vacation time), does not have a drivers license( even if neither of you can afford a second car or a second insurance), did not have a better paying job (nevermind she works 2 part time jobs and have to put up with your pain in the neck attittude and your mom's who lived in the house for the past 7 years), who the only 2 things she's ever insisted on was that you get your mom her own place so you could both work out your marital problems, as well as asked you to show a bit more affection (how dare she?), and deserves for you to cheat and punish her for everything bad and wrong that everyone ever did to you in your freaking life... P R I C E L E S S . <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I am not trying to say that it's all your fault. Certainly not, but this isn't all MY fault either.

Who's fault it is is a juvenile argument anyway. What matters is what happens from here.

Slap,

Very few of your *recent* (not historical) actions have been compassionate given the present circumstances...including posting on this thread. I know you are not a mean person, or a monster....but reading and posting on this thread.....no matter what other people think of you, or what decide is accurate or not....is crummy idea. First of all....at the very least.....Pam deserves a place where she can come and vent without your interference. She needs this place more than you do....and you know it. You have far more avenues for support....including me. Please....let her have this little peaceful corner of this great big MB world...okay? Aside from that....it undermines her ability to get support if she's sparring with you instead and can create a dynamic where the two of you "bait" each other....and neither heals. It continues the conflict which was a large part of why the two of you are no longer together....you have seen this happen before on this board and it always gets ugly....and sometimes....both people even end up banned. Conflict is the last thing those little boys need....so if you can't do it for Pam, or for you....please....the kids don't need the fallout. It might be hard to refrain from defending yourself when you hear ugly accusations.....but I hope that if you're resolved to divorcing, that you'll resolve yourself also to allowing your wife to seek help and start your own thread elsewhere if you need support too. If you want her out of your life....this is a good place to demonstrate that you'll give her the space to move forward without you. It's hard not to inject your defense when you feel you're being vilified....but someone who is secure in their own selfworth....can easily do it. Now, you're not going to like what I have to say next....but you seem to be in a bit of fog about ethics, honesty and finances. As an ethical person....and knowing that Pam is not as "savvy" as you are about laws and such because of being an expatriate....this is the advice I would give any woman whose husband was making the kinds of decisions that you are currently.

Pam,

If Slap were divorcing me (instead of you) and it was a calm, honest and respectful process...I would love to go to mediation instead of court and make the easiest transitions for the kids I possible could. However, if I found he was already dating, spending money on other women, raiding the marital assets without my knowledge, doing creative math....I would probably be way more skeptical about him being fair, or without representation of my own. I would seek independent information about whether mediation, collaborative family law (another option in Canada) or a traditional divorce was the best option for me. Even if you decide on mediation....the information that I'm seeing about Canadian divorce law says that an attorney is the right person to prepare you for that process and help you understand what things you need to take with you to mediation.....even if you don't use him/her during the actual divorce. So, take some deep breaths, stop raging....get smart....I would like you to also refrain using the board as a way to send zingers out. Use it for support and strength in making the independent decisions that you must make now.

Y'all know I care about you both. Surely things are hurtful and crazy enough without going out this way???? Please gather your strength both of you....and do the right thing for those babies. Be smart. Be kind. Be ethical. Be fair. Be honest. Be compassionate.

Star, you have mail.

For several weeks a local Christian counseling service in my area had a radio ad where one of the counselors said something like this:

"If you think staying married to a person who frustrates and irritates you is difficult, divorcing a person who frustrates and irritates you will be even worse."

I think this thread proves that counselor is right.

Too bad there's no board where children of divorcing parents can vent. I bet these two little boys would have a lot to say. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Em

Actually, EyeseeEm, the kids have a counselor.
If you've read a page or 2 back, you'll see my post about that.

The school couselor has been great, and checks up on them both quit often. Another thing is that, the kids know we're splitting up, but they never as much as seen us argue. We did most of our talking, back when trying to work on things, during "drives"... we'd put the kids to bed, let his mom know we're going for a little drive, and that's usually when we'd do our talk. Or we'd go to a restaurant and talk there.

His mom has lived with us for about 7 years, and even she was shocked when we told her we might split up (back in June). She was angry because she found out we had problems for as long as she was living with us, and said that if she knew about our problems at all, that she would never have suggested for us to move to our current city, cause she was hoping the 3 of us would buy a house together and now that plan was canceled... at least now I know where her prioryties were.

Anyway... we don't fight and argue in front of our kids... we're not rude to each other or talk bad about each other to the kids... they only know what they need to know, and that's more than enough on their little plates right now.

I'm sure witht time they'll figure out more stuff and find out as well... but for now, they have enough todeal with.
They know that at any time we can talk about anything, and that if they preffer to talk to the counselor, it is ok too.
I've been encouraring them both not to hold anything in... if they are mad at us, that's ok too... They're very sure of our love for them, and are unhappy about having to sleep in 2 different homes, but they are able to find some of the positive things about this situation, and can get excited about that, too.

Anyhow, end of my first half of split shift... back to work.

River Girl wrote:
"Slap, just in case you see this. From one Canuck to another, I want to kick you a** for spending the night with another woman so soon after this breakup with your wife. You are still MARRIED. Gross. . . ."

And Slap responded:
[color:"blue"]"I think I already admitted that i shouldn't have done that. If I had that day to live over again, I'd do it differently."[/color]

Differently? As in make sure your mom didn't go over to Pam's and spill the beans, I'm sure. Good lord.